Moria's Revenge
Authors: Kookaburra & Llinos

Chapter 38 – Finished
Author: Llinos
Beta: Marigold

"Best make a large space." Gimli shooed Boromir and Aragorn a little further back in the circle as Legolas and Haldir set down two large trays brimming with food and drink. "There is plenty for all and extra for the hobbits." The dwarf's joke was a little thin, but both Merry and Pippin managed a faint smile.

Although they had all eaten not so very long before, Aragorn had decided a little impromptu picnic might offer some respite from the intensity of poor Pippin's recounting and perhaps appeal to the hobbits. In the past, food had never failed to lighten their mood and while he did not expect that now, sustenance for Merry and Pippin was probably a good idea in any case.

"Are you hungry Pip?" Legolas selected a prettily iced small cake, "this little dainty looks like yours."

"No, I don't want to eat that, Legolas," Pippin looked at the smooth pink icing with the delicate sugared flower on the top, "It seems too pretty to spoil."

Aragorn looked at him thoughtfully and then took the fancy little cake from Legolas and held it up, turning it this way and that. "It is pretty Pippin, and delicate, just like you. Is that why you don't want to eat it?"

"I'm not sure," Pippin frowned as he considered this. "It's as though I would be damaging something that is perfect and unbroken and I don't want to do that."

"Because that is what was done to you." Merry concluded. "But my Pip you are still perfect and you will be whole again. You're not like a cake, one little bite and nothing can put you back together, you're more enduring than that – and more precious."

"Then how about a little bread and cheese," suggested Gimli, "or some fruit?"

"I – I… no thank you, I'm not really hungry." Pippin rocked to and fro very slightly and, in an automatic reaction, put his hand over his mouth.

"Pippin," Aragorn gently took the small hand in his, lifting it away from the hobbit's mouth to brush his lips gently across the childlike fingertips. "Why don't you want to eat? You've barely eaten anything except for the pie just now, when you didn't remember anything. Are you not hungry? Or is it something else? Can you tell us?"

"I'm scared of it…" Pippin whispered, looking fearfully round. "It just makes me feel bad to try and eat, even when I'm really hungry and… and…"

"What my love?" Merry put his arm round Pippin and squeezed him gently, "it was something they did, wasn't it?"

Pippin nodded miserably as the memories came flooding back. "I don't know if I can talk about it yet… or ever."

"Take your time little one," Boromir suggested. "There's no hurry. We'll wait until you are ready."

"Is there anything you want, Pippin dear?" Legolas asked solicitously. "Another glass of wine, some tea? Anything at all?"

"I – I think, most of all," Pippin paused looking up at the expectant faces. It was a little overwhelming for the hobbit that all these big people cared so much about him and his well-being. "I'd like bath."

"Pip, you are perfectly clean." Aragorn told him. "Deilen and Melystra washed you this morning, are you sure you want another bath?"

"Unless…" Merry whispered in the hobbit's ear so that no one else could hear. It had been a long time since Merry had asked such a question – not since Pip was about 5 years old and then it was a false alarm. But since he had been ill Pippin had only recently gained complete control over such things again, which was hardly surprising, given how ill he had been.

"No, I didn't Merry." Pippin went a little red, "Not this time. I just want a bath, I feel dirty. Look my hands are all messy and… and I think my face is very dirty…"

"Pippin," Aragorn interrupted him. "You are as clean as a new pin, I promise you. You only feel dirty because of what happened and now that you are talking about it, your brain is reacting by telling you to wash it all away."

"I don't understand." Pippin said mournfully, "How does my brain tell me things I don't know?"

Even Aragorn was a little thrown by this question. "Errm, it's a kind of subconscious message. Subconscious means that you think it without realising why you thought it. But there is usually an underlying reason and in your case, Pippin…" Aragorn studied the worried little face and realised that the hobbit really was not following any of this. "You're really not dirty, but if it makes you feel better, would you like perhaps just a bowl of water to wash your hands and face?"

Pippin nodded morosely "That might help, but I think I'd rather have a bath." He scrubbed at his arms unconsciously as if they itched, "I think I feel very dirty again – really."

"I know you feel that way Pip," Merry added his voice now, "but truly, Aragorn is right, you don't need to bathe again my love, you are as sweet as a daisy."

"And Pippin," Aragorn continued, "I think you need to stop trying to scrub your body clean, you've hurt yourself doing that already and it isn't necessary – please, trust me, you are not dirty."

Nevertheless, Legolas brought the sad little hobbit a bowl of warm water and some fragrant soap with a flannel. He gently bathed Pippin's hands and face himself, not allowing the vicious scrubbing that Pip would apply and then dried him with soft towels. "There all clean now, Pippin," the elf smiled as he rolled the too big sleeves back down. "But I'll bring a fresh bowl in case you want to rinse your hands and face again."

"Now then," Aragorn said as gently as possible, "can you carry on little one? I know there is much more that you have not told us, or even admitted to yourself. You need to remember it all Pippin or the memories will come back to haunt you when you are not expecting them, so you have to deal with it now."

"I know it's hard Pip," Merry took his hand whether Pip wanted it or not, his cousin was going to stay close. "But Strider is right – you have to know whether you can live with the memories because they won't just go away."

"I- I…" Pippin stammered at the memory of all that had taken place in the Master's chambers. "I'm not sure you would understand, Merry, and there's something else."

"What my love?" Merry asked stroking Pippin's short curls. "Whatever it is I won't mind."

"I-it's just that what happened was so dreadful and I felt so filthy after," Merry could feel Pippin trembling now, "it would be like dragging you there as well. Oh Merry, it was horrible enough for me – I don't want you to suffer what I did and I know you would, just by knowing what happened."

Merry was stunned into silence for a moment by this declaration. What could be so terrible that Pip couldn't share it even with him – especially after all the dreadful things he had already told them. Merry shuddered with horror as he realised that it must have been so horrendous to make his little cousin feel this way.

But it had to be done. "Pip please." Merry held Pippin's face in his hands now and gazed into the green eyes. The bruising was starting to fade, although the mental bruises were obviously much deeper and hurt far more. "I know you don't want to hurt me, but I don't want to lose you and that's what might happen if I can't help you to get over this. Please, you have to share it with me – and with the others and perhaps in the sharing, the pain will be halved too. If we – if I – live it with you, I can take some of the burden off your poor heart, if it is so terrible then it is too much for you to bear alone."

"All right Merry," Pippin's voice had sunk to a whisper again. "I'll try my best, but there are big parts missing I think. Some things I made myself not know were happening."

"That's understandable Pippin." Boromir told him. "It is sometimes an automatic reaction for the brain to black out when things get too much."

"Just tell what you do remember." Haldir suggested. "If your mind has left things out then you will probably never recall what happened and that is as it should be."

"Haldir is right," Aragorn added. "All you have to deal with is what you do remember." The ranger thought for a moment, "You had told us about the Master and his wargs and seeing Icicle for the first time."

"And what he did to me." Pippin added studying his socks so that he did not have to look in anyone's face to see their horror.

"Yes, we know." Aragorn lifted Pippin's face up and gave him a kindly smile, "remember little one, it wasn't your fault."

"When I came to my senses again," Pippin moved to put his arms around Icicle's thick furry neck. "I thought someone else was attacking me, but it was Umum."

"Why did you think you were being attacked Pip?" Boromir reached forward to pat the docile warg. "Was she hurting you?"

"She never did." Pippin squeezed the neck lovingly, "She was licking me, holding me down with her great big paw and licking my back where I'd been hurt. She growled at me a little, if I moved, but she never tried to hurt me – only make me better. But she was just one warg and she belonged to Master, so what more could she do?"

"Nothing, Peregrin." Haldir agreed. "We know now that she was inspired by the Valar to protect you." His elven voice fell to a hushed and reverend tone, "Elbereth Herself looked upon you in your hour of need and took a small pity upon you. But She does not show Her hand lightly. You were blessed indeed that She moved the warg to help you."

"Indeed," Legolas confirmed, "in all the years through which I have lived, never before have I encountered the hand of Elbereth." He moved to place his hand gently on the hobbit's head, "your need was great beyond measure Pippin, but so was your deliverance."

"What does that mean?" Pippin's eyes grew large with wonder at the words. "Are you saying that Elbereth sent Umum to help me?"

"In a way, yes," Haldir explained with a patient smile. "Elbereth saw your plight and, although She did not intervene directly, She breathed upon the warg and inspired her to bring you succour."

"What Haldir is saying," Gimli rolled his eyes a little, why could these elves not put things simply for the young hobbit. "He's saying, Elbereth made Icicle protect you, because She did not want you to die, because you are obviously very precious to Her."

Pippin shook his head in wonder and disbelief. None of it made sense. "Why would Elbereth want to save me? I'm just a little hobbit – a halfling – of no importance at all. I don't understand."

"You are of great worth." Haldir smiled now, "Not just to the Valar, but to all who know and love you, Pippin. Even I, who have known you so briefly, have come to love you dearly."

"So if I tell you what happened later will that still be true? Will all of you still love me?" Pippin trembled as the memory washed over him.

"Of course, Pip." Merry kissed his cousin's brow, "Nothing will ever change that."

Pippin took a deep breath and, shaking his head to refuse the plate of fresh fruit that Gimli offered him, carried on. "Master came then and laughed at Umum licking me – he said I was a hurt pup or something like that – he thought it was funny."

"Pippin, my love," Aragorn took his hand. "I know what that brute told you to say, but you do not have to call him Master now. In fact I think you shouldn't. He is not your master and he never was. You are your own master." The ranger lifted up Pippin's chin, "tell me, what did he look like? Was he pretty?"

"No!" Pippin gasped and then realised that Strider was probably teasing him. It had been so long since Pippin had been teased that he didn't realise at first. "No Strider," he said firmly, "he was very ugly; he looked like an ugly pig, except pigs are better looking."

"Then you shall call him 'Pigface', when you speak of him in future." Aragorn smiled at the tiny look of satisfaction that Pippin seemed to gain from this. It might seem like a small thing, a name, but the ranger knew that psychologically it was important for the little one to gain some semblance of the upper hand over these monsters. "What happened then Pip? What did Pigface do next?"

"He fed Icicle and the other warg." Pippin sniffed as he remembered how hungry he had been then. "They left some of their food, although I think it was Umum that left some and Mas- I mean Pigface said I could have it."

"It is most rare that a warg would leave food uneaten, especially as there were two of them." Gimli pointed out. "We know now that by then she knew she must care for you, and had left the food especially for you."

"Oh do you think so?" Pippin squeezed Icicle again and kissed her white fur. "Did she love me even then?"

"I'm certain of it Pip," Merry added, ""Do you remember feeding the outside dogs at the farm? There would always be competition if there was more than one dog, would there not? And every scrap was always finished."

"Yes, except when there was a mamma dog," Pippin added thoughtfully, "she would always carry some back to her pups."

"And that's what Icicle was trying to do for you." Boromir said. "Dogs and wolves, any kind of animal will fight for it's meat, but a mother will always put her young first – Icicle saw you as her pup."

"But it made no difference," Pippin sighed, "Mast… I mean Pigface wouldn't let me eat it."

"I thought you said he told you that you could?" Aragorn wondered if he'd misheard or if Pippin had got confused in the telling. "Did he change his mind?"

"I don't know," Pippin kept his face snuggled into Icicle's coat. "He made me crawl to the bowl to get it, but when I tried to, he burned me with a hot poker… it was red hot, I could see it and he kept putting it on my skin if I tried to eat, so then I went away from the bowl, but then he kept whipping me and saying I had to eat from the warg's bowl… I didn't understand." Pippin let out a little sob now at the memory, "It was terrible pain and I couldn't do it right to make it stop. Why did he do that? I wanted to eat, and he said I was ungrateful if I didn't, but then he burned me if I tried."

"So that was when you got those terrible burns," Merry's mouth had fallen open in horror as Pip related the torture. "Poor little Pip – I'd like to ram that poker down Pigface's throat and if I found him I would!"

"I know Merry," Aragorn patted the angry halfling's shoulder. "But that does explain why Pip is scared to eat. The brute was conditioning you Pip. Do you see? It was quite deliberate. I don't know why, because I think he planned to kill you anyway, but perhaps he did that to all his victims, so that if they are rescued they will still shy away from food and refuse to eat – just as you did."

"That is true," Boromir agreed. "I have seen rescued prisoners on whom such conditioning had been carried out and it is frighteningly effective, more than you would believe possible."

"But there was more." Pippin looked up from his quiet sobbing in Icicle's coat. "Afterwards he put that thing in my mouth – the hurting thing, so I couldn't close my mouth at all."

"That no doubt reinforced your fear of eating, Pippin." Aragorn told him softly, "It is hardly surprising you don't want to put things in your mouth after that treatment."

"No, there…" The rest of Pippin's sentence was lost as he muttered the words into Icicle's thick coat.

"What did you say, young hobbit?" Gimli looked at Merry and shrugged. Pippin had started to talk quite openly, albeit with much sorrow and weeping, but perhaps it had all been too much after all as he now seemed ready to withdraw into his frightened shell again.

"Pip?" Merry gently laid his hand on Pippin's back, he was hiding his face in Icicle's fur now and hiccupping sobs that would not abate. "Do you want to stop now? Is it too difficult to continue?"

Aragorn looked at Boromir and then he closed his eyes in silent acknowledgement of the problem. They both knew there was more to Pippin not wanting to put anything in his mouth than the psychological torture with whip and brand. "Pippin," Aragorn put his arms around the shaking shoulders and gently lifted the distraught hobbit upright again. "There was something more – is that what you were saying?"

Pippin nodded but did not look up to meet the ranger's gaze. Merry looked from one to the other, not sure what they were talking about.

"Someone, that pigfaced orc I presume, forced you to take him in your mouth again, like they had done in the rocks?" Aragorn put his head on one side and waited patiently for the answer.

Pippin shook his head, "Not him – it was three others… they came and… and… I don't know, I can't really remember… it was too horrible… horrible! They… they hurt me so much… all three of them… doing things… at once to me! I- I can't let myself remember it!"

"Pippin, I understand that," Aragorn still had hold of the trembling hobbit by the shoulders, "but one day, you might remember it all of a sudden and then perhaps it will be so hard to bear that it has an even worse affect on you."

Pippin shook his head then looked around at his friends' anxious faces. "I don't want to tell. I do remember it, Strider, but I can't talk about it – not now – not ever!"

"All right, I understand Pip." Aragorn released the trembling shoulders gently and patted Pippin on the arm, before resuming his place in their circle. "You don't have to talk about it if it's too difficult."

Pippin looked at his feet again for a long while, then, almost absent-mindedly, pulled one of the socks off to reveal his shaven foot. "The big one with three fingers – he started…" Pippin muttered quietly to his wriggling toes. "With my. . ." Pippin pointed a finger at his pretty rosebud mouth. "Then another used fingers, behind. . . you know…"

Nobody spoke, Merry squeezed his hand, just to say he was there.

"But the three fingered one got cross and turned me round. He wanted to… well do it properly." Pippin had started to rock slightly now and Merry put his hand on his shoulder to steady him. "So the other one he. . . he did it in my mouth instead and it hurt so much… he held me by the hair and the other one was pulling me back and forth by my waist, they lifted me off my feet and I thought it would never stop. But then when the three fingered one finished, the other one came and did it too and it hurt even more – it was so dreadful…"

"Poor Pippin, it's understandable that you don't want to put things in your mouth." Boromir interrupted discreetly, "But that feeling will wear off, I promise. You are very young to have had such a thing done to you, especially when you were so alone and frightened. You withstood it remarkably well and you will want to eat again in time – really you will."

"No, every time I have to put anything in my mouth, I think of it." Pippin let go of Icicle now and hugged his arms around himself. "But I was hungry and it was hard not to and… and… oh I don't know – I don't understand any of it. I just know I want it to stop – all these terrible memories of it and… and all of it!"

"But Pippin, surely you've told the worst now," Aragorn asked him softly, "I know they hurt you more – your arms especially, but I think you managed to tell us all the really bad things now – the things that you felt shamed by."

"No," Pippin peeped up at the ranger from over his knees that he had drawn up and clutched to his chest. "There's worse and I really can't tell you what it was – I can't tell me even."

"You don't have to say any more Pippin, if it hurts too much." Merry whispered. "Strider said it was all right."

"But Merry, it's in my head now and I don't think I can bear it." Pippin buried his face in Icicle again, wrapping his little arms around her great neck. "I can't stand to think about it and now I can't stop. Oh Merry! What are we going to do?"

"Well if you tell me, Pip my love," Merry tried to loosen Pippin's stranglehold on the patient warg, "I'll be there with you if you think of it again and if I share it, it won't be so bad."

"Yes it will Merry," Pippin wailed. All he could think of now was what they did to him after they had gratified their sexual urges; they had used him like a privy. The humiliation of that was worse than all the pain and hunger and torture. "You don't know what they did and I don't want you to share it. I don't want you to know, any of you, especially you Merry. What they did to me shouldn't be done to anyone, I don't want you to feel it Merry, I don't want you to have any part of it – ever! If this is what it means, then I choose to have my memories taken away – forever!"

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TBC

Author Notes

Llinos in the Chair: Well Kooks got pretty tied up and abandoned me to write this on my ownsome, but she has promised to do some Frodo & Sam next chapter. I'm off now to write some more Recaptured, so that I can write the next bit of this as well as keeping up with the two Role Playing games I'm in now… then… oh never mind… here's the chat:-

Kertaheru: Hello Kookaburra and LLinos (and Marigold too!)
Llinos: Hi there and welcome!

Kertaheru: in Akkadian (language of Babylon) 'Ummum' means mother. Did you already know that or what?
Llinos: In a way. I know that if you study the evolution of language the first sound a suckling babe makes is something akin to "Mummmum" which is why it is a very common phenomenon for the word Mumma or Mamma or something similar to mean Mother. That was why I chose that sound for Pip to call Umum – it just got shorter as he got better.

Shirebound: showing him that he doesn't have to be locked into shamed thoughts or memories.
Llinos: A very hard thing to do.

Assena: And Poor Merry too, knowing all this happened and he could do nothing.
Llinos: And that can be emotionally even more painful.

QTPie: This chapter had no Frodo or Sam. *is sad*
Llinos: Nor this one - Sorry

QTPie: I agree, once I get into reading the huge loads of Pippin angst I don't want to break for a change in scenes
Llinos: See – Marigold knew that – that's why she wouldn't let us put any F&S in.

QTPie: so I forgive you...this time.
Llinos: Phew – thanks!

QTPie: Will Frodo be in the next chapter?
Llinos: Promsis!

Coriandra: I think he's going to be alright without having his memories wiped out, but I hope we find out for sure soon.
Llinos: Ah well – it's touch and go!

Rohi (former Jessica): I LOVE THIS STORY! IT HAS ME IN TEARS EVERY CHAPTER!!
Llinos: Oh dear – sorry to make you cry – but at least you obviously enjoy crying!

Pearl Took: Keep posting! I will keep reading!
Llinos: It's a deal!

Hel: The scene with Legolas and Gimli asking for forgiveness for their failure in finding him was great.
Llinos: Glad you picked that one out – they're always complaining they don't get enough kudos in this story.

Pipkin Sweetgrass: Well finally! I thought it would be forever before you updated
Llinos: So did we – been off writing other stuff – sorry.
Pipkin Sweetgrass: (cracks whip) Now WRITE, damn you, WRITE! ;)
Llinos: Stop that – or Kooks, Marigold and I will all need counselling!

LilyBaggins: I can forgive you for the Frodolessness *sniff*... one can't have everything... :)
Llinos: Again I hope :-(

LilyBaggins: I did enjoy this chapter, though, mainly because Aragorn *kills* me
Llinos: Oh well – there was lots of Aragorn – perhaps you could just substitute Frodo for Pip for the time being. Frodo next time – promsis (see above).

Jukia: This is the best story i have EVER read on ff. I love you *hugs pippin and Kookaburra*
Llinos: Hey! Don't forget me! If you're going to be that cruel – I'll make you go and read Recaptured just for punishment – you see Kooks I can torture!

Blue Jedi Hobbit 009: Cruelty would be one way to describe it...
Llinos: What reading Recaptured? Opps no sorry – wrong story.

Blue Jedi Hobbit 009: and I've been wondering whether I should thank the orcs
Llinos: Oh yes we should all thank the orcs – actually in Recap – the orcs are quite nice.

HP: How far are you going to take this into the book? I mean, how on earth is Pippin going to cope with being kidnapped by the Uruk-hai?
Llinos: Beats me! Oh and anyway I don't really answer questions – just make silly smart arse comments.

sam (camilliatook@hotmail.com) : Please hurry and update! Don't let Pippin choose forgetting, that would kill Merry. Hurry and update with Recaptured also please.
Llinos: Okay!

sam (camilliatook@hotmail.com): I don't think the excuse that I read half the chapter before school and I was going insane without reading the rest of it would count:)
Llinos: Oh I'd let you off.

More soon: Frodo and Sam next time – Kooks has promised.

Llinos