December 12, 1979

When Anne called me on the phone today and asked how I am, I swear it just slipped out. For the next five minutes she got to hear a very shocked James in the background saying, "You SAID you didn't want to tell anyone yet!" and being offended.

So I've told someone. Anne reminded me that she's already named our kids, but is allowing us to consider other options. And it was a lot easier to tell her than I'd thought.

Remus and Sirius invited all of us over tonight, and James says if I'm telling people now, we can't not tell the boys. Okay. We can tell the boys.

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December 13, 1979

I don't know what to do with them. Their reactions were priceless. Sirius actually asked James "What did you do to the poor girl?!" I think that was the last thing he had expected me to say. Remus was normal, I guess, and happy for us, but Peter doesn't seem to have the slightest clue of what to do or say to me now. Didn't he just get over that?

It's getting easier to tell people, and I think it's sinking in deeper the more I say it. James' mum said it was bad luck to tell people this early, but I can't help it. His parents know, Dad knows (and he was happy about it and didn't threaten James at all), I told Jane earlier... I'm getting used to it, and I think everyone else being so happy about it is rubbing off on me.

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December 14, 1979

Maybe I should have put off telling people until a doctor confirmed it, but it's confirmed now. Everything seems to be in order, and I'll have to have regular checkups, but it's OFFICIAL now.

...later...

Petunia says I'm doing this on purpose because she's pregnant. Yes, James and I planned this massive life change around HER. Please. Anyway, I was already pregnant when she announced it so HA.

I'd briefly entertained idyllic thought of cousins who liked each other and could play together. I've since come to my senses.

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December 17, 1979

We told the Order at last night's meeting. I think everyone realizes what could happen (see last week's list) but overall they seemed happy for us. Even Dumbledore. I imagine it has to be a little odd, seeing us as students two years ago and now we're going to be parents.

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December 18, 1979

Sirius presented me with a list of baby names, insisting that I have to have a girl because the names are better. Since I have nothing better to do (obviously), here is what he gave me, and I'm adding in his notes:

GIRLS:

Rita
Sally

Michelle (Sirius: Possibilities! And bad French!)

Yoko (Sirius: Devil. Do this and I disown you both.)

Prudence

Julia (Sirius: Another very nice name.)

Lizzy

Pam (Sirius: Pam Potter? Please don't.)

Eleanor

Maggie Mae

Anna

Sadie

Lucy (Lily: I got into a fight with a Lucy once. No.)

Molly

Penny Lane (Sirius: Penny as the first name, Lane as the middle. You can call her Lanie.) (Lily: NO.)

BOYS:

Jude

Maxwell (Sirius: No, he had PROBLEMS.) (Lily: Agreed.)

Desmond

Bill

Doctor Robert (Sirius: Doctor as the first name, Robert as the middle.) (Lily: Sod off.)

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December 20, 1979

Remus told me that he almost had to forcibly stop Sirius from buying Christmas presents for our fetus.

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December 21, 1979

Too many people are suggesting baby names, considering I'm not due until July. Anne is seriously pushing for Bob or Matilda. I don't know what's wrong with her. My dad wants one of us girls to name our baby after Mum. I hate the flower name thing. Petunia can do that.

Actually, Matilda's kind of grown on me.

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December 23, 1979

It's kind of amazing. Even The Boss can't bring me down. I haven't told anyone at work yet.

I've started trying to decide if I want a boy or a girl, things like that. It changes daily. Yesterday I wanted a girl because I know how to handle them. Today I want a boy because it'd be a challenge. Plus, I think James will do better with a boy. He'll be a terrific father either way, though. He's already trying to figure out what model his/her first broom will be.

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December 25, 1979

We had Christmas at Dad's house, which is very different without Mum. They were always her traditions anyway. It hurts sometimes, knowing she's gone. I think holidays will do that.

It was a good Christmas, though. We know next year everything will be all about Baby's First Christmas, and that should be interesting...

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December 26, 1979

What's wrong with Matilda? It's actually a very pretty name. The boys are all giving me a hard time with it. Even Remus looked at me and asked "What are you THINKING?" I LIKE Matilda, but something tells me I'm not getting it.

Well, some of the names Sirius suggested actually are pretty...

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December 27, 1979

When James starts talking about baby stuff, I swear there are times I want to shove one of these books at him and say "HERE, this is what's going to happen to my body, what do you think of THAT?"

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December 28, 1979

Given the trouble I had with Matilda, I should have known what would happen when I suggested boys' names. Two of my favorite names ever have been Edmund and Jeremiah. James looked at me like I had grown a second head. It's not like he has suggestions. These are all perfectly good names! There's nothing wrong with them. James says any boy named Jeremiah is going to spend his life getting croaked at. I think that just because HE would have done that doesn't mean anyone else will.

We've decided to find a new place to live when our lease is up. Maybe a house. James' parents have offered the down payment. I know we've been reluctant to leave here, but it's our choice now. No one's forcing us.

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December 29, 1979

The next person who blames anything on my hormones is getting hit, I swear.

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December 30, 1979

It's our first anniversary. I can't believe it's already been a year. I remember everyone telling me that the first year is the hardest, which it was, but not for the reasons they meant. I think James and I actually have it pretty good.

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December 31, 1979

We went out for our anniversary, which was very nice, and tonight we've having Anne and the boys over. Anne just broke up with the post-Eric boyfriend, so I'm not going to let her spend New Year's alone.

James has threatened to leave me if I actually name the baby Jeremiah. I don't think he's serious, but he REALLY hates the name.

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January 1, 1980

Sirius can be very cute sometimes. Like when he starts wondering if anyone should be drinking around me because alcohol has fumes.

Then there are times he's not so cute, such as when he brought up the Doctor Robert suggestion. Anne chimed in with Bob, and they compromised on Doctor Bob. It's a shame Sirius has a boyfriend because I think all that time I'd been setting him up with the wrong girls.

Overall, it was a good night. Peter and Anne both slept over, and as soon as James wakes up, we're going to breakfast.

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January 2, 1980

James has started calling the baby "Jerry." I may have to kill him.

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January 3, 1980

Dad had a heart attack. I couldn't get in touch with him last night, so I panicked and went over there. He died at the hospital.

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January 4, 1980

I'm tired of people I love dying. I was prepared for Mum, but I wasn't. This wasn't supposed to happen.

I was able to complain about the wedding because I knew it was ultimately a good thing, and now I'm trying to plan a funeral. I can't say anything right anymore.

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January 8, 1980

The funeral was today. I almost think I'm getting numb to it. I was a mess at Mum's funeral but not at Dad's. I was closer to Dad, though. Am I getting used to people dying on me? Once you see someone die, do you lose something? Whatever part that makes it hurt?

I doubt Petunia will ever answer my calls after today, since there's no connection anymore. She doesn't need to see me now. That just... In about eight months I managed to lose the entire family I grew up with.

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January 11, 1980

Gideon and Fabian took on five Death Eaters and lost. I don't know what happened, all I know is that they both died. I don't know how, exactly, who the Death Eaters were, or what the Prewetts were doing.

I'm not numb after all. It hasn't hit me yet but I can tell that it's going to. James is really upset, but he's known Gideon for years. I keep telling myself that at least their families weren't involved, that the children are all right.

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January 16, 1980

In the last eight days I have been to three funerals. There was Mum in May, Marlene in July, Dorcas in September, and January has been Dad, Gideon and Fabian. AND JANUARY ISN'T OVER.

James' dad said some words at the wake, which was held for both of them together, as did Moody and Dumbledore. I think just about everyone there was part of the Order, except for a few family members who thought we were all being unnecessarily cryptic.

I don't know. The brothers were actually closer to my parents' ages than mine. Mum and Dad were both really fairly young. It wasn't expected. Mum was sick, and there was nothing anyone could do, and we knew it was going to happen. Dad should have lived for at least another 20 years. My baby should be able to know his/her grandfather. But as sudden as it was, it was because of natural causes. I can handle that, I think. Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I should have seen him giving up. Maybe there was something I could have done. But ultimately I think I tried as hard as I could, and when it came down to it, I just couldn't help. Maybe I've been placing more importance on violence than anything else. For some reason I can't blame myself for Dad's death, though I am starting to feel that hurt, like when I picked up the telephone to call him this morning.

And I can't say I blame myself for the Prewetts or Marlene or Dorcas. Maybe I can. I know I thought about it when Marlene died- did I contribute to this? And I can't honestly answer that. I work for a Death Eater. What does that make me? Did I contribute to the deaths of any of my friends? Marlene's family?

I think that's what's really getting to me. I have maternal instincts and they're all nagging at me. One of their cousins was noticeably pregnant, and how is that child going to grow up when his family has already been affected like that? What am I bringing my baby into? Is he or she going to have to worry about what family member or friend they're going to lose next? What exactly has to happen to make it all stop?

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January 18, 1980

James and I have to put a lot of thought into "What if?" We're not planning on letting anything happen to us, but with everything going on, things don't always go according to plan.

The godfather issue has been debated, and was actually fairly easy. Petunia would never go for it, and parents are a funny issue with me right now. We seriously considered Remus, because we know at least he/she won't grow up to be a hooligan that way. But the concern is how long the Werewolf Registry would let Remus keep custody of a child. All they'd have to do would be change a law or two and our decision would mean nothing. Besides, Sirius has been invested in this baby from the moment he found out. He would do absolutely anything for James (and probably me) and I can see him being the best protector our son or daughter could have.

Besides, Remus will be around for the hooligan reason.

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January 19, 1980

I would never say that Dumbledore is getting paranoid, but it seems that he's getting a little paranoid. We don't have a great many people in the Order, and we've lost four in six months. They were all attacks. None of the Order members initiated it. We're all being very careful, mostly staying in places we know are safe. It's been suggested that Dorcas was killed at work because Voldemort couldn't get to her home. James and I both work in the Ministry, where no one would dare attack us, and they can't get to us at home. We're safe, but I hate feeling like a shut-in.

Dumbledore once again told me I should feel free to quit my job, and this time I agreed with him. If it was just me I'd put up a fight again and stay, but it's not just me I have to worry about.

We asked Sirius to be the godfather. I think he was more shocked than anything, but he said yes. It feels like a weight's been taken off of me.

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January 21, 1980

I gave notice to The Boss. He made me leave the office immediately, though I had been willing to stay until he found a replacement (someone Dumbledore could put in there, I would hope).

So. I am free.

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January 22, 1980

I am bored. There are things I could do, but the boys have all forbidden me to go out alone. Which is annoying, but there is the baby to worry about. This is going to get old so very fast.

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January 23, 1980

Every once in a while I'll think about what Dad would say about something and it all starts hurting again. I'm sure it's worse because my hormones have gone mad, but I just hate how everything hurts.

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January 24, 1980

Is it really irresponsible to have a child now? How bad a mother does this make me already?

...later...

I spoke with Alice (who told everyone she's pregnant at the last Order meeting). At least I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

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January 25, 1980

James is still calling the baby Jerry. He insists that if it's a girl we can spell it Jerri or Geri. I get it. No Jeremiah.

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January 26, 1980

How many more people am I going to have to lose? I'm starting to think it's bad to even meet someone new, because all they're going to do is die.

Maybe it's hormones, but I don't think so. I think I'm snapping. I'm not surprised. Everything is just too much.

...later...

I want this war over.

I want Voldemort gone.

I want my parents to be alive and healthy, and Petunia to be speaking to me.

I want to know my husband is safe at all times.

I want to be blissfully happy with my husband and my baby and not have to worry about anything.

I want everyone to be alive and well.

I want to be free of guilt about what happened to all of those people.

I want to not feel sad about every little thing.

I want to be able to go places on my own without wondering if someone's after me.

I want to have never seen Voldemort.

I want him to never have existed.

I want to start over from scratch.

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February 1, 1980

I don't know how anything's going anymore. Maybe I'm overly hormonal, or maybe it's just getting to me. I get to be happy about the baby and then worry about every other little thing, like whether his father is coming home alive tonight. I feel like I'm lying to everyone all the time. I can't balance out the bad things with the good and I don't know how that's affecting me. I can see how it's affecting everyone else. I don't know what to do about any of it and someone writing it out is making it both clearer and more frustrating.

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February 8, 1980

No one's heard from Caradoc in two days. He said goodbye while leaving work and disappeared. I know he's dead. We all do, but no one will say it yet.

How far is this all going to go? Who's going to be next? Me? James? Sirius? Alice? Who? He's picking us all off one by one and we can't seem to DO anything about it.

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February 20, 1980

We're already speaking of Caradoc in past tense at meetings.

I don't see the point in writing. I think I need to not think for a while.

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May 1, 1980

There aren't words. I don't want to hear anything about prophecies. I don't want to hear about how my child may or may not be involved in everything we're trying to keep him away from. It has to be wrong.

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May 2, 1980

Am I a horrible person for wanting it to be Alice's that they're talking about?