Moria's Revenge
Chapter 40 - Changed

Authors: Kookaburra & Llinos
Beta: Marigold

"Pippin? Pip? Can you talk to me?" Merry looked down at his little cousin lying sprawled on the big bed. The hobbit kicked his legs a little and rolled his head from side to side as if he were looking for something. Merry held out his hand to Pippin and a flailing little fist caught hold of his finger and, holding it tightly, drew it to his mouth.

"Pip? You don't want to suck on my finger." Merry gently tried to pull his digit away from his cousin, but the little one held on tightly, reminding Merry of when Pip was a baby and would clutch his finger tenaciously.

Merry looked up at Aragorn, "He is really back at his beginnings, I didn't think he would be as a newborn, but that's what he is. How long do you think it will be before he knows me again, Strider?" The hobbit tickled Pippin under the arm, a trick Merry remembered from before, making his cousin squeal with laughter.

"I don't know Merry," Aragorn placed a comforting hand on the slumped shoulder. "The Lady Galadriel said he would learn fast. But for now we must care for him as if he were an infant."

"It's just so undignified." Merry sat next to Pip on the bed and lifted him up by the shoulders. He tried to balance him upright in a sitting position but he fell back into Merry's arms and his head lolled against the older one's chest. "But I have to take care of him, poor my Pip." Merry planted a kiss on the shorn curls. Pip's shortened hair added to the babyishness of his look, reminding Merry even more of helpless infant Pippin, except that this 'baby' was still grown-up Pippin's size and still bore the injuries and physical hurts of the mature hobbit.

"Well you could start now," Aragorn suggested. "I expect he needs feeding and the more you say and sing to him the sooner he will learn to talk."

"Come on then, Pip!" Merry bolstered Pippin up with some pillows then clambered off the bed to patter across the room and fetch a bowl, which he filled with porridge from the larger porringer that had been left for him. He climbed a chair to help himself back up onto the bed with his burden, then, setting the bowl down, aimed a spoonful of porridge at Pippin's mouth.

Just as the spoon reached Pippin, he closed his mouth firmly and Merry managed to tip most of the porridge down his cousin's face. Fortunately it was not hot and did not bother Pippin, who merely licked at the mess round his face. Merry sighed and put the spoon back in the bowl and turned to pick up a flannel to wipe up the spillage. But now Pippin had tasted the food, he wanted some more and made a grab for the bowl and spoon.

His flailing fist landed squarely in the bowl and splashed porridge all over the bed and, oblivious of the mess, he rammed his knuckles into his mouth and sucked happily, dipping in for another refill before Merry could stop him.

"Pip! You're making a mess! Stop trying to eat with your hands!" Merry pulled the bowl away and simultaneously tried to mop up the spillage both off Pippin and the bed.

Pippin, angry that the food had vanished and irritable at the fussing of the cloth, started to wail loudly, his cries hitching with passion at being thwarted in his attempts to get what he wanted.

Deilen and Aragorn took pity on Merry and the elf quickly and efficiently cleaned the wailing hobbit so the ranger could lift him up and cuddle him closely, rocking him to and fro on his shoulder until the angry bawling subsided.

Merry slid down from the bed and stood brushing himself off with a cloth, cleaning off the splashes of porridge. "I can't do this Strider," his voice quavered. "I'm not cut out to be a nursemaid. I don't know Pip any more and he doesn't know me."

"So you're giving up with him?" Aragorn patted the howling hobbit on the back and jiggled him up and down a little. "I thought you were made of sterner stuff Meriadoc!"

"No," Merry sniffed, "I'm sorry, of course I'm not giving up. It's just a bit of porridge, I shouldn't get so upset."

"But it is not just the mess, is it?" Aragorn put the now quiet Pip in Deilen's lap and the healer deftly wrapped Pippin round with a wide cloth, trapping his arms inside and, holding him with one arm, fed him the porridge quickly and without spills. "You're as distressed as if Pip had died." The ranger took Merry's hands in his as he knelt down to look steadfastly into the hobbit's eyes, lifting his chin with a finger so that Merry would meet his gaze. "You're grieving Merry, I understand that, but do you?"

"Yes, I think so." Merry went over to where Pippin was guzzling down porridge as fast as Deilen could spoon it and stroked his cousin's face gently. Pippin looked up at him with interest and smiled, but it was not a smile of recognition. It was a smile of a baby to a face, any face, unknowing and with no memories. But that was the point though, Merry thought sadly.

"He chose for the best Strider and I won't love him any less." Merry looked back at the ranger. "I cannot judge his decision. No matter how hard I try, it is impossible for me to imagine what it was he went through nor if I could have lived with those memories. I just… I just…" Merry could not say what was in his heart, it still hurt too much.

"You just hoped that he loved you enough to chose you and not the release from the memory." Aragorn came and put his hand on Merry's shoulder. "Don't doubt that he loved you, Merry or that he will again. I think he also chose what he did to release you from the burden of his memories too. There was one last thing that he could not bring himself to tell you, he did not want you to suffer his hurt." Aragorn held Merry's hand now and placed his other hand on Pippin's head as if to reunite them. "You see Merry, it was because he loved you so much that he chose what he did, to spare you, not to escape you."

"Oh Strider," Merry felt the tears coursing down his cheek but made no move to dry them. "I would have endured it, he should have let me, he should have known."

"I know, I know." Aragorn pulled Merry into a hug and let him sob. Deilen shook his head sadly at the ranger who drew his lips to a thin line and sighed deeply.

***********************************************************************************************************

Over the next few days Pippin learnt to say "dog-dog" when Icicle came near and "num-um" when it was time to eat and "bye-byes" for sleep time. Deilen he called "Da-da", much to the elf's embarrassment and Melystra he called, "Mamma", which the lady laughed at sweetly and would kiss the hobbit on the nose as if he were her child.

But the most important thing Pippin learned to say was "Mer-mer". It delighted his cousin immensely. He spent nearly every waking hour with Pippin and quite a few non-waking hours too and lavished more love and care on the helpless little creature than anyone else.

The only thing they ever fought over was the spoon! Merry tried to feed Pippin, but the "baby" hobbit wanted to hold the spoon himself. This would not have mattered so much but Pippin would not content himself with transferring food from bowl to mouth, he would also bang the spoon down in the food, splashing it about and miss his mouth, spilling the contents of the spoon all over his clean clothes or try to put the spoon in Merry's mouth instead as if he thought his cousin needed feeding more than he did. Deprived of the spoon he would plunge his hands into the food or wail with a temper tantrum.

Merry's solution was to have two spoons. One he would use to feed Pip with and the other Pip would hold and wave about, hit Merry with and put in his mouth occasionally. If he tried to dip it into the food, Merry would quickly put a little from his spoon onto Pip's spoon.

Eventually they moved on to spoon sharing and they would both hold the same spoon and Merry would be allowed to put a spoonful in Pippin's mouth as long as they could then put a spoonful in Merry's mouth.

All of this was dreadfully poignant for Merry as it was exactly how his dear little cousin had behaved when he really was a baby the first time around.

After a week of spoon wrestling Pippin had become competent enough with the cutlery to feed himself. "Melystra look!" Merry pointed with unaccustomed delight at his little cousin, sat in a chair on a cushion at a table and fairly neatly eating cut up pieces of cheese with a fork although sometimes he used his fingers.

"That's excellent Merry," Melystra returned the smile, "he is making much faster progress than I thought he would. Why don't you try teaching him some more words? Did you ever sing him nursery songs when he was little?"

"Oh yes!" Merry frowned as he ran through the catalogue of various songs and rhymes he had sung to or with Pippin over the years. "Um a baby one though?"

"Yes," Melystra explained, "Nursery songs and lullabies have simple vocabulary and they teach children to speak, so it should work as well for Pippin, especially if it is one from before that he liked."

"There was one in particular." Merry hummed a little trying to remember the exact tune. "Cousin Bilbo wrote it for us, it was about Pip and me because we were always together – Pippin used to love it."

"That sounds perfect," Melystra wiped Pippin hands and face and lifted him down from the table. He had not yet mastered walking, possibly because it was difficult for him in any case due to his injuries. She sat him gently down on the floor, propped up with some cushions. Merry sat opposite and held Pippin's hands in his, clapping them together the way he had when Bilbo had taught him the nursery rhyme. Pippin had been able to sing the whole song before, but he had started when he was very little with joining in with the last words on some of the lines when they were easy or he just liked the sound.

Merry began to sing their special song that Bilbo had written just for them and he grew more and more excited as Pip was singing along just as he had when he was a baby:-

"Little Pip and Merry
Have hippity hobbity feet,
Little fat, round tummies,
And never enough to eat.
Their ears are sharp and pointy,
On their heads they've curly hair,
Turned up noses, turned down toeses
And they come as a pair!

Little Pip and Merry
Went to catch a fish,
But all they had to put it in
Was a big pie dish.
They lifted up the pie crust
and laid the fish upon it,
But with a shout, the fish jumped out,
With a piecrust bonnet!

Little Pip and Merry
Went to the summer fair,
But all they had to ride upon
Was a pony mare.
They saddled up the pony
With the Thain's best shirt
She gave a prance and began to dance,
In her pretty pony skirt!

Little Pip and Merry
Went to buy a bun
But when they counted out their pence
All they had was none.
They smiled nicely at the baker
And said "Good Morning," twice
He said "Good Day, now go away,"
Which was very good advice.

Little Pip and Merry
Tried to sing this song,
But when they jumbled up the words,
The song came out all wrong.
The sounds all tasted funny,
And the rhymes all smelled of cheese,
They couldn't recall, the tune at all,
And then it made them sneeze!

Atishoo! Atishoo! Ah-Tish-Shooo!

The last pretend sneeze made Pippin fall over backward, laughing with utter glee. Merry leapt after him, heedless of his injuries in his moment of joy. "Pip! My love, Pip you remembered! How did you remember? I thought you would forget everything!"

"Oh my Mer!" Pippin squealed in answer. "How could I forget you Silly-Billy?" Pippin giggled delightedly at the name-calling, "Merry Berry!" and then "Very hairy Merry!" He added for good measure.

***********************************************************************************************************

"Merry, Merry!" Aragorn hissed the name, trying not to wake Pippin who was sleeping comfortably, curled up beside Frodo.

Merry woke with a start, clawing at the bedcover in panic – his dream of Pippin as a baby dissipating too slowly and the tension and fatigue making him nervous and jumpy. "What is it Aragorn?"

"Could I speak with you for a moment please?" Aragorn saw that Frodo and Sam looked very weary. Both appeared to have been shedding tears, although Merry seemed beyond weeping now, as if he had no more grief to spend – a great physical weight almost seemed to hang about his shoulders as he hugged Frodo, patted Sam on the shoulder, kissed the sleeping Pippin and climbed slowly down from the big bed.

"I'm sorry to disturb you," Aragorn gently took Merry's wrist across the palm of his big hand and ran his fingers over the no longer taut bandage. "But I think perhaps this needs rebinding Merry, you've moved around quite a bit and loosened the wrapping."

"Oh," Merry was surprised; he had suspected Aragorn wanted to talk to him about Pip. "It's not so painful now, I'm sure it will be all right."

"Come along, no arguing," Aragorn led him by his good wrist to the room where Silael kept the bandages and other healing paraphernalia. "Besides, I do want to talk to you – on your own."

Merry climbed into the too tall chair and obediently held out his wrist so that Aragorn could unwrap the bandage. In spite of the fact that he had claimed it was all right, the ranger could not help but notice the hobbit silently flinching several times as he rebound the sprain. The man felt somewhat guilty at this, since he did not really think the bandage was that loose, but he wanted to get Merry quietly on his own.

"What did you want to talk about?" Merry had grown curious as Aragorn tended his wrist in silence. "Is it about Pip?"

"Not exactly." Aragorn tied off the bandage and drew up a chair to sit next to Merry. "It's about you and the Quest." Merry lifted his head and looked up at the ranger expectantly but said nothing. "That is, about what may have to happen next in order to fulfil the Quest and the role you may have to play in that."

"I have to look after Pip." Merry said flatly. At the moment Pippin had filled his whole world, Merry had been severely traumatised by all that had taken place and Aragorn knew this. It did not make what he had to say any easier.

"You may have to leave him for others to take care of…"

"But I…"

"No, Merry," Aragorn lifted up his hand for the hobbit's silence, "hear what I have to say to you." Merry closed his mouth and clenched the fist of his good hand and drew a deep breath. "I know that Pippin has been your consuming concern since he was hurt, and I know you feel very responsible and guilty for what happened. I am not necessarily agreeing that those feelings are correct, but I know that's what you feel." Aragorn paused to let the hobbit absorb this. "But regardless of your feelings of guilt over Pippin, there is still the Quest to be completed and the whole fate of Middle-earth rests upon the outcome of that. It doesn't just affect Pippin, but everyone you know and love and many more besides."

"Yes, Aragorn I see that…" Merry opened his mouth to say more, but Aragorn interrupted him.

"I'm glad that you do," the man smiled a little. He could feel tension rising between them and he did not want this to develop into an argument. "If, and it is by no means certain, but if by any chance Frodo is not recovered enough in a week or so to continue the journey then, it has been decided that you should continue as Ringbearer."

Merry was silent.

***********************************************************************************************************

Pippin stirred in his sleep, uneasy for a reason he could not place. As he shifted back, instead of the warm solid mass of Merry, he encountered empty space. Immediately his eyes opened, and he lifted his head. He had a moment of sheer panic when he realized Merry was gone, but it was replaced by relief when he noticed Frodo and Sam slumbering peacefully on the bed with him. That was all right then – Merry had not left him completely alone. Thus reassured, Pippin crawled the short distance to Frodo's side and burrowed in. Unfortunately, he moved in a bit too enthusiastically, and his wriggling awakened Frodo.

"Mmm?" Frodo murmured sleepily, cracking open one eye and looking at Pippin. "What are you doing, Pip?"

"I'm sorry, Frodo!" Pippin exclaimed, "I didn't mean to wake you, only Merry's gone and…" At Pippin's louder voice, however, Sam lifted his head, blinking owlishly. "…and now I've woken Sam! I'm really very sorry Frodo." Pippin accentuated his repentant words with large, innocent eyes – something he had found very useful in getting himself out of trouble and into good graces, although now it was more by force of habit for he knew Frodo would not scold him since… since everything that had happened.

"No need to fret now, Mr Pippin, I wasn't planning on sleeping anyhow, I must have nodded off." Sam sat up and rubbed his eyes. "How are you feeling, Mr Frodo? Is your shoulder bothering you still?"

"Yes, but not as much as before, Sam don't look so concerned." Frodo replied, then deftly changed the subject. "And how's my little Pip?" he whispered gently.

"I suppose I'm doing well…" Pippin was not sure whether to comment about how his body felt or his thoughts. He had had the usual bad dreams whilst dozing, but had learned to control himself sufficiently upon waking up from them that his companions remained oblivious.

"Of course you are my sweet." Frodo did not believe that for a moment, but humoured his cousin anyway. He was about to hoist himself into a sitting position but was stayed by Sam's hand when the door slowly creaked open and Merry peeked in.

"I see I needn't have worried about waking you three up!" Merry said, but his light tone sounded forced.

"Oh, no - Pippin saw to that!" Frodo smiled, hugging Pippin slightly.

"Frodo, I said I was sorry!" Pippin worried that perhaps his cousin was put out that his sleep had been interrupted.

Merry padded over and hoisted himself up onto the counterpane, only to immediately be bowled over by an overly enthusiastic hug from Pippin.

"Easy, easy there Pip – careful of your stitches." Pippin merely rolled his eyes at Merry's fussing. Smiling sadly, wondering how long those expressions would still be his to cherish, Merry lifted a hand and gently cupped Pippin's face, stroking the cheek with his thumb.

Smiling, Pippin reached up and mirrored Merry's actions, stopping only when he noticed Merry's eyes brimming with tears. "Merry! What's wrong? Are you hurt? Tell me, please!" Pippin pleaded as he grabbed Merry's hands in supplication. Merry breathed heavily for several moments before he answered.

"Pippin, I've just had a talk with Strider, about – about the Quest." Merry was about to continue, when Frodo interrupted.

"I think I can guess what it's about then." he said sharply, "And I'd prefer it if you did not talk about it in my presence. It's bad enough that Strider sees fit to try and keep me out of the matter altogether."

"Frodo," Merry said softly, his eyes lowered, "I swear, I don't want…"

"It doesn't seem to matter what we Hobbits want, does it? Or what I want, for that matter. It seems that everyone has been consulted except me!" Pippin looked back and forth between Merry and Frodo, confused and somewhat frightened as his two favourite people seemed to be fighting.

"I -I just need to let Pippin know that I might not be here…" Now Pippin interrupted him.

"What? Merry, what do you mean you might not be here? Where are you going?"

Frodo answered before Merry. "Aragorn thinks that Merry might be going on a very long journey. Something Merry will tell you all about outside.

"All right, Frodo, you've made your point." Merry did not feel up to arguing with a clearly unreasonable Frodo. "Come, Pip. Let's go out." Merry slid off the bed and helped Pippin to do the same. Pippin followed him mutely out the door, glancing back at Frodo all the while. When they reached the common room, Merry guided Pippin over to a daybed set up next to the wall.

"Merry, what was that about? Why is Frodo mad with us?" Pippin clutched Merry's sleeve, desperate to know if something he had done had caused the debacle. Merry calmly removed Pippin's hand, and instead held both of Pippin's hands between his own.

"Frodo isn't cross with us, Pip, he's more angry with himself." he took a deep breath and went on. "You see, he's still hurt, but he knows the Quest has to go on, even if he can't continue." Pippin seemed to think about that for a moment.

"B-but if Frodo can't go on, what's going to happen to the Ring, Merry? Will someone else have to carry it?" Merry nodded. "Oh…" Pippin bowed his head and looked down. "I can see how that would make Frodo frustrated. He always did hate having to stay behind when he was sick, and he's going to be so lonely when Sam leaves…" Merry cleared his throat.

"Sam's not leaving him, Pippin." Pippin looked up, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"He's not? But then who is it? Gandalf said the Big Folk couldn't do it- it has to be a hobbit. And I can't do it, so that means…" Pippin's head snapped up and he looked into Merry's eyes, silently asking the horrible question. When he saw the confirmation in his cousin's eyes, a look of complete betrayal manifested on Pippin's face. Merry could not meet the accusing eyes, and dropped his head in resignation.

"Pip, I'm sorry, I really am-"

"B-b-but you can't go, Merry! I need you! You said you'd stay! You promised you'd stay!" Pippin jerked back in an attempt at releasing his hands and himself from Merry's clasp. "You promised! You promised…" Pippin tried to pull away in his growing hysteria.

"Pippin, Pippin," Merry tried to keep his voice down, hoping to calm his cousin. "I'm so sorry, I don't want to leave you, I don't want to, shh…" When Pippin finished his struggle, he sagged exhausted against Merry's chest, sobbing incoherently and tearlessly.

"M-merry, if you can't stay, wh-what's going to happen when I forget? What if I never remember you an- and you don't come back?" A darting cold traced down Merry's spine as he thought about that – thought about dying far from home, family and Pippin.

"You will be taken care of, Pip." Merry said, as much to reassure himself of that fact as Pippin. "Promsis!"

***********************************************************************************************************

TBC

***********************************************************************************************************

Author's Notes

Llinos: Personally I blame Kookaburra (partly because it makes a change from blaming Marigold but mainly because it's mostly her fault!) I wrote my bit yonks ago – so no smacking Llinos this trip. But I think Kooks has been up to her 'ocksters in University and other unimportant real life stuff.

I, on the other hand, actually have no life – so am able to claim virtuously prompt updating of story. (VBG!)

Kookaburra: I will admit, I am the sole reason the chapter is late- but I tried to get it done, honest! It's just hard to find time to write hobbitsmut when a roomie is looking over your shoulder every few minutes...

Okay – enough revelations, blamings and confessions, onwards to the Q&A:-

Rohi: I SHALL STRANGLE YOU IF YOU DON'T WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER!! Come on, guys, you can't just stop!! It's been like 3 months!
Llinos: I'm so sorry, time just flies when you're having fun! I get caught up with other projects. Also you can always go and read Kooks and my RPG on Lord of the Slashed – Kooks plays Sam and I play Captain Nagash the Orc and Merry. Our good friend Tasha plays Pippin. Then there's Recaptured as well (Shameless Self Promotion)! But the next chapter will be quicker – I hope since I'm highly allergic to being strangled!

Rohi: I will, Promise. Recaptured was too sad for me to read,
Llinos: Actually, Recaptured isn't as sad as this – honest! (fingers crossed behind back, desperately trying to remember which story is the saddest?)

Butterflygurl: thinks about glomping Pippin...decides against as it may aggravate wounds
Llinos: Oh I don't know – glomp away – I'm sure he can stand it after all he's been through.
Kookaburra: You might have to wrestle him away from me, though. :)

Jedi Hobbit Master (AmberLoony15@aol.com): update damn it update!
Llinos: Okay, okay!
Kookaburra: Your wish is our command!

Coriandra: I hope we find out in the next chapter.
Llinos: Um – well, sorry not quite, nothing is decided yet.
Kookaburra: It was supposed to be, but eh- these things just don't cooperate.

Periadoc: Isn't it ironic (and this is probably because you're working with Llinos, which is cool!) that Merry and Pip's innocence saved them from the Witchking, but in this story Pip's innocence wasn't enough...oh sadness!
Llinos: An interesting parallel. I suppose the situations are rather different though – the orcs took Pippin's body, whereas the Witchking only wanted their minds – well the contents of their minds – that is where innocent can work to your advantage!

Assena: It's always Merry who has to carry both their cares on his own shoulders. I don't know why, but it makes me sad.
Llinos: Me too. Poor Merry. Merry has always been my favourite character. Don't mean to be mean to him – but, like Sam, his shoulders are broad and he can take it – just.
Kookaburra: However, you've just given me a plot bunny. Hmmm.;-)

Hel: But I think he doesn't imagine all the consequences that he is like a baby after the procedure and must learn everything again like walking and talking and other things.
Llinos: No he doesn't – but Merry is beginning to.

Jukia Wolfcall: *does a little dance of joy* *ducks from random falling objects*
Llinos: Oh be careful my dear – Kooks and I would hate to see anyone get hurt in this fic!

Baylor: Sam comforting Merry was an especially nice touch.
Llinos: Ah the strong, tenacious types that they both are!

Pipkin Sweetgrass: You might be shocked at how real your story is.
Llinos: No – I'm too world-weary to be shocked by anything anymore – sadly.
Kookaburra: Well, when I started out I tried to make it as realistic as possible *eyes various books on the history of torture lining her shelves*

Noriel: I want to thank you both for this story.
Llinos: Ah – thanks. I go all gooey when people remember both of us :-)!

QTPie: Now I'm not so sure. I'm at a loss.
Llinos: Oh we like to keep you on your toes – and still the amply proportioned lady hasn't sung!

sam (camilliatook@hotmail.com) : Pippin is not allowed to pick forgetting. I won't allow it. Surely Marigold will agree with me, right?
Llinos: Oh no! Don't get Marigold to agree with you! Now I'm scared!

:) : He can live with it! Right?
Llinos: Ah the burning question – can he or can't he! If he can't how will everyone cope and if he can – how will he cope?

Camellia Gamgee-Took: Please say that Pippin will find the courage to tell Merry about the horrid incident!
Llinos: Oh that's asking way too much!

Samwise the Strong: Thanks for the good read.
Llinos: Thank you for the nice review!

Blue Jedi Hobbit: and my Sims call to me...
Llinos: Why what have you been up to? Oh Sims! I thought you said Sins!

Pearl Took: For obvious reasons, I don't trust you two!
Llinos: I can't imagine what you mean! (indignant snort):
Kookaburra: *whistles innocently*