Title: Lights. Camera. Action!
Author: GW Katrina
Beta: None. Suffergrins.
Notes: This is something that came to me at five o'clock this
morning, after 36 hours of no sleep(I've napped since then), and two
wasp stings. It will most likely not be funny, but it will be weird.
grins Hope you enjoy. waves This is for you few people who
commented about my Frodo Bath pic.
P.S.: I'm not endorsing these products. They just seemed to match up
so well.
Gandalf winced as he saw the chaos that composed the set. "Tell me,
Samwise, why are we doing this again?"
Beside Gandalf, Sam sighed. "Because we need the money, and Mr. Frodo
looked at us."
"Ahh." Gandalf nodded wisely. "I think we should just start pimping
Frodo out. He would.... OW!" Gandalf the Grey, most powerful of the
wizards, looked down as a frying pan connected again with his other
leg. "Sorry," he muttered.
Before the great and powerful wizard could do anything to the small
and cuddly hobbit, a harried looking woman rushed
over. "Areyouguyshereforthecommercials?Good,comeon." Without pausing
for an answer, she herded them over to the set.
"Therestoftoday'sgrouparehere,sowe'llgetstartednow."
Blinking, Gandalf and Sam felt their jaws drop. There stood various
people they had fought so many years ago. "H.... How...?" Sam got out.
Without missing a beat, all of the others said one word at the same
time.
"Frodo."
"Allrightpeople,it'stimetofilm."
Gandalf is at Shire-like place, grinning happily. In his hand are a
can of Pringles. He munched on one absently, then another one,
quickly going through the whole can.
"Hm," he said. "Very much like hobbits. Once you have one, you just
can't stop."
"Good, we got it."
"Gandalf, give us some," came a muffled voice.
Gandalf hiked up his grey robes and handed Bilbo and Balin a new can
of Pringles.
A blurry room, then comes into focus on a giant, flaming eye wearing
purple, sparkly mascara. "When I have a hot date with that wizard I
met via palantir, I want to look my best. Visine helps take that out
that dry, itching sensation, leaving me looking my fiery best."
"Cut."
"Mr. Sauron, can I get you anything?"
"Yah. Have any of this mascara in green?"
In a large, throne-like chair, Saruman sits in his blinding white
robes. "From fighting battles with my former peers to breeding armies
in dark caves, I never have to worry about my robes. Clorox bleach
gets out everything from blood to slime. Nothing makes whites whiter."
"Wonderful. It's good."
"Goody for you. Tell Sauron I'll be ready to go in ten minutes."
A dank, gloomy cave, with something splashing in the darkness. The
slip-slap of large feet, and the light caught large, moonlike
eyes. "My Precious, gone. Taken by nasty hobbits. Given from nasty
hobbits to other nasty hobbits. If had Allstate insurance, they help
us look for nasty hobbits to get Precious back. Will get Precious
back, and gets Allstate. I hates nasty hobbits forever."
"Okay. We'll just call that a wrap."
Gollum just continued to whimper for his Precious.
"Security."
Sam is near a large canyon, holding a small tube in his hand. "Bondo
glue is so strong, that one drop is as powerful as my love for Mr.
Frodo." He blushes lightly.
Faintly, in the background, someone is whimpering.
"Shagging hobbits.... I mean 'Cut'!"
Another dark cave, with a tomb in the middle. By a shattered doorway,
a large cave troll is picking up wood shards. "I love guests, but I
don't want them to see my home as a mess. Orange Clean is the best
I've found for keeping my cave nice, clean, and smell great. But when
they do see my home messed up...."
Cave Troll roars, and the camera drops, catching its holder running
for his life.
Pitch black area. "I love spicy food, but sometimes it gives me the
worst breath." A blast of flame, and the room lights up, showing the
Balrog. "When I'm expecting company, such as an old boyfriend, I use
Listerine. That minty taste lets us get just a little closer."
"Baby, I love you. Perfect."
"Then I can rip his heart out."
"Um.... LUNCH!"
Lurtz is sitting on a chair, looking at himself in the mirror. "When
we are born, we have the softest skin of our lives. Especially those
of us who are born from slime. With Eucerin, I can have that soft
skin again. Always a bonus when you are trying to woo the man of your
dreams, even if he is a pervy hobbit-fancier with two boyfriends."
"Ooohh." Shakes her head. "That works."
"Then we can have a four-way."
Someone falls over. The director giggles, then shoos everyone away.
"All you guys were great. Wonderful to work with you, hope we can do
it again sometime."
As the last of the commercial makers leave, the woman sags. No longer
talking at high speeds, she pops a few Advil. "Goddess, they are all
insane. I don't want to see them ever again."
Her assistant coughed, looking guilty. "That wasn't all of them. The
rest of the bunch will be here tomorrow." He sighed as the woman
began to whimper.
The End