Title: Lights. Camera. Action! II
Author: GW Katrina
Beta: None, suffer some more.
Notes: grins This is for all of you who kept pestering me. There
are one more set after this. All the characters are from the first
book and movie. Once again, I do not endorse any of these products. Yes, I know that Merry's seems off. Deal.
Lights. Camera. Action! II
Dragging herself to the set, the poor director munched on a donut,
hoping the sugar would wake her up. Yesterday had been a nightmare.
Insane, flaming eyeballs, balrogs who wanted to rip out old
boyfriends hearts, and one of her best cameramen had been nabbed by a
orc, who took his screams of fear as a mating call.
Worst part was, more of the same group would be here today.
"They're here."
With a yelp, the director jumped, dumping hot coffee on her
assistant, who looked no happier today than what he had looked last
night. With his own yelp, he took off for the bathroom.
The day start ominously.
"All right, everyone! Let's make this painless on all of us. Do what
I tell you, and I promise I will not kill anyone. At least not on
camera."
The group before her shuffled, then went still.
"Good. Let's go."
Legolas preened, knowing he looked hot as he sat on a large, velvet
lined chair. A thin circlet sat on his head, and he was dressed in
silk.
"When you are a prince of your land, you are use to certain things.
Good food, soft beds, and clean smelling people. You can't have all
of that when you go on a grand quest. Now, when I need to go on a
long journey with mortals who don't understand the word 'bath', I
take along a bottle of Febreeze. A few squirts on their clothing
while they sleep, and I don't have to shout my scouting reports.
Febreeze: what makes questing bearable."
"Cut. Wonderful. NEXT!"
Legolas stopped a nearby human. "Has Elrond gotten here yet?"
The woman nodded. "He says he's waiting for you in your dressing
room, with his commercial product."
She blinked as Legolas seemed to vanish from before her eyes.
Aragorn stood in the middle of a large throne room, looking very
kingly, smiling for the camera.
"As a Ranger and a king, I've discovered a few things are always
going to be useful. Things like duck tape, cute, hairy-footed short
people, and Bic lighters. Bics are always useful. From lighting a
diplomat's cigar, to burning orders to surrender, to setting dark
horsemen of your enemy alight, nothing is more useful and versatile
than a Bic."
"All righty then. Run along."
Aragorn frowned, then snagged a crewwoman. "Can you tell me where
Legolas went?"
The woman(the same one Legolas grabbed earlier) nodded. "He was
meeting Elrond in his dressing room."
Once again, she seemed to be talking to thin air.
In the background, a voice rose. "Stupid human. Ruining a pretty elf
picture."
A pool of water shimmered in the light. As it stilled, the face of
Galadriel appeared.
" I make my living ruling Lorien, and I do it well because I have
strange and mystical powers. However, if you don't sound mystical,
then all the power in the world will not aid you. When I sound hoarse
or congested, I just pop a Halls into my mouth, and I'm spooky as new
in just a few minutes."
"CUT!"
The image of Galardriel flickers, and she becomes Dark Witchy
Elf. "You give me the Ring freely, of your own will?"
The director kicked the dish over, spilling the water
everywhere. "Get me the next one."
A beautiful, peaceful, woods. Suddenly, the peace is shattered by the
sound of an engine. From nearby woods, a 4x4 burst into view. The
rider pulls to a stop in front of the camera. She turns off the
engine and pulls off her helmet.
"Sometimes you have to leave home is such a hurry you don't have time
to borrow a horse. Times like that, it really pays to have a 4x4 from
Honda. They get you where you need to go, even through the roughest
terrain. Even aloof, unavailable elven princesses like myself can't
help but fall in love with a Honda 4x4."
"Camera loves you. Now shoo."
Arwen looked around, not seeing Aragorn anywhere. "Probably off with
that blond hussy and Daddy. Oh, well."
She snagged a crew person. Amazingly, it is the same woman that
Legolas and Aragon grabbed. "Is there a Gap nearby?"
The woman nodded. "Gap of Rohan is right downtown. About twenty
minutes that-away."
"Thanks." Arwen paused, looked the woman up and down, the
grinned. "Want to go with me?"
Seeing as she was acting as nothing more than an information center
for the insane actors, the woman nodded. "Sure." She hopped on the
back, took the spare helmet from the elven princess, and they speed
away.
A steamy bathroom mirror. A large hand wipes away the steam, and
Boromir peers into it, looking in the image of the camera.
"If the elf in you party begins to shout his scouting reports, you
can guess you don't smell too good. It gets worse when you are shot
full of orc arrows, and the rest of the group thinks you are dead.
When you do get back on your feet, it pays to get a bath and some
Speed Stick. When you see your boyfriends for the first time since
your brush with death, you want to smell extra nice. Speed Stick
helps."
"Cu..!"
The director is cut off by a scuffle in the background. Pippin is
charging for Boromir, but was dragging Merry along with him. "Pip,
no. We have to do our scenes first. Then we can jump him!"
The younger hobbit paused. "But, Merry...."
"No, Pip."
"But he's only in a towel."
"No...." Merry took a second look. "Bloodly Hell, my room has a
shower. We can clean up there."
The hobbits ran up, grabbed their lover, and pulled him out of the
room.
"Hope it's a quickie," muttered the director.
It is dark, with only bubbling red-orange lava to light the area.
Suddenly, the camera focused on a human who is overlooking the
natural light. A closer focus, and you see the man fondling a golden
ring.
"Sometimes, things go wrong between you and your love ones. A missed
birthday, a forgotten anniversary, you dump your boyfriend for a world-
destroying ring. Little things. Things you want to say you're sorry
for. When you dump your hot, half-elven boyfriend for a shiny gold
ring and whispers of power, make it easier by sending him a Hallmark.
For when you really care."
"Cut. You can leave."
Isildur jumped when a large eye, circled with flames, and wearing
green sparkly mascara, appeared by his side. "Hey there, good
looking," it purred at him, even though he wasn't sure how it was
doing it. "Looking for a good time? I see you have a pretty, pretty
ring there."
"YOU SLUT!"
The floating eye and Isildur turned to see a man with a long, white
beard, and wearing white robes stomp towards them. "Someone turns up
with the One Ring, and you dump me like a hot potato. How dare you?!
And don't think I don't know about that weekend with Elrond!"
The director shoved all of them off the set. "Jerry Springer is right
down the hall. Go there. Now."
They did, still squabbling, dragging a confused Isildur with them.
Pippin was bouncing around what looked like a very nice kitchen. With
a huge grin on his face, the hobbit seemed to be working a coffee
maker. He turned and looked at the camera.
"People can be particular about what wakes them up. The orcs in the
mines of Moria, for instance, are driven absolutely batty when you
wake them up by dropping an old skeleton clad in armor down a well.
Them come at you with everything they've got, even a cave troll who
hates to have people see his messy home. Orcs aren't that bad,
really. You just have to offer them Folgers. Good to the last drop,
unlike skeletons." He offers an orc a cup of coffee.
"Okay...."
"AHHHH!" Boromir ran onto the set with his sword, and chopped off the
orc's head. The nice, bright kitchen is covered in black orc
blood. "Orcs bad," hissed the heir to the Steward of Gondor.
"MY HUSBAND!!"
"Oops," gulped Boromir, then ran, as the missing cameraman began to
chase him with a large frying pan. "HELP!"
"Oy," sighed the director, dropping her face in her hands. "That's
it. This next one is the last one for today. I can't take much more."
A large pile of fluffy towels. They shift, then Merry rises from
them. He finally can be seen, wearing nothing more than a loosely tied
robe, and the pile of towels themselves. "Downey makes everything
snuggly soft," the hobbit purred in a soft voice.
Before the director can say cut, Merry was pounced by Pippin, and the
pair began to kiss each other in front of the camera. Boromir, who
was still being chased by the enraged cameraman, snagged his half-
pint lovers and raced for the dubious safety of their dressing rooms.
Seeing that all of her stars were either A: shagging/attempting to
shag each other/her crewmembers, or B: arguing relationships in front
of Jerry Springer, the director was glad the day was over.
Her assistant whimpered as he neared her. "Ma'am, I hate to inform
you, but a f..few more from th....this group are coming tomorrow."
He fled before the screams could even leave her mouth. Then the cries
were drowned out by an engine. Arwen pulled up, the crewwoman still
behind her. "Hey, hop on. I have a friend who would like to met you.
She's tired of this group, too. At least the males. We'll go party
somewhere. What do you say?"
The director paused. She could have a headache tomorrow from
stressing about the shoot, or she could have a headache from getting
drunk. "Sure, why the hell not? What's your friend's name?" she
asked, getting on behind her crewwoman.
"Eowyn," Arwen answered, and they sped away.
The End.