Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, or the song "You're Vain" by Carly Simon.
Molly Weasley was sitting on a stool in the spotlight of a small stage, a microphone in her hand. She was facing the person next to her; Gilderoy Lockheart was looking rather bewildered as he sat perched on an identical stool. Molly then opened her mouth and began to sing…
You walked into the party
"Party? What party? I like parties!"
Like you were walking onto a yacht
"Umm… What's a yacht? Is it a monster? Because if so, I can deal with one of those…"
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
"Well, yes, I always thought that look was rather chic…"
Your scarf it was apricot
"Come now, that does not suit my complexion at all, apricot is so last season!"
You had one eye in the mirror
"Yes, well, I can hardly to afford to have my hair in disarray…"
As you watched yourself gavotte
"Yes, well, I was always rather good at that…"
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
"Well you can hardly blame them!"
They'd be your partner and
You're so vain
"Excuse me!"
You probably think this song is about you
"Wait a moment; technically it is about me…"
You're so vain
"Yes, we've established that, although I must say I disagree…"
I bet you think this song is about you
"It is!"
Well you had me several years ago
"How would you like an autograph?"
When I was still quite naïve
"If you'd like I can give you lots of them so you can give them to all of your friends…"
Well you said that we made such a pretty pair
"Well, stop singing, I didn't learn joined up writing for nothing!"
And that you would never leave
"I only hope I have enough photographs"
But you gave away the things you loved
*whips out fancy peacock quill* "Well, let's get cracking then, shall we?"
And one of them was me
*starts scribbling*
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
"You know, I'm actually quite good at deciphering dreams…"
Clouds in my coffee and
"I once used them to pinpoint the exact location of a vampire terrorizing a small Transylvanian town."
You're so vain
"Oh no, not this again, I thought that we were past this…"
You probably think this song is about you
"For the last time, it is about me! Or at least, the first part was; now I'm not so sure, you seem to be describing quite an unlikable character…"
You're so vain
"You know, ma'am, this really is uncalled for."
I bet you think this song is about you
"If you continue, I'll be forced to suspend you from my next book signing…"
Don't you, don't you, don't you
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
"Perhaps they represent the grudge you are apparently harboring against me…"
Clouds in my coffee and...
"As I said before, if you really won't let me help, you ought to see someone about that."
You're so vain
"Ma'am, you really are being repetitive."
You probably think this song is about you
"It is becoming clearer by the moment that despite the fact that you are singing to me, this song is not about me."
You're so vain
"There you go again with the personal attacks…"
I bet you think this song is about you
"That's it, no autographs for you madam!"
Don't you, don't you, don't you
Molly Weasley was interrupted by the nurse rushing on to the stage. "Now Gilderoy, I know you're having a lovely time visiting with your special friend, but visiting hours are over. I'm sure she can come back tomorrow!"