Severed Ties

Chapter 19

A Little Somethin to Talk About

She found him in Willow and Tara's room, clad in only his jeans and boots, staring out the window at the fading light in the sky. She marveled at the changes in him. True, it had been well over two years since she had last seen him, even longer since she'd glanced the smooth skin that lie underneath his clothing, but Faith had no doubts that the muscles she traced with her eyes had been gained only through years of training.

"Nice view," she said, and stopped just to the side of him. Xander cast a weary glance towards her before returning to the slowly setting sun. Faith studied his profile, noting how his once roundish face was now that of a chiseled warrior, complete with a tailored beard and minute scars that stood out in the faint glow of the pre-dusk sun.

Faith leaned the right side of her body against the wall and folded her arms across her chest. Countless thoughts tumbled through her mind, begging to be heard but she remained mute. Instead, she took comfort in the other man's company; it gave her a calm she had not had in some time. In truth, the last time she had felt this relaxed had been the precious few seconds she and Xander had spent gazing into each other's eyes after their desires had been quenched. Although her attitude had been cavalier as she escorted him out, inside Faith was anything but. Her mind had screamed at her; one side desperately wanting to cling to the potential for something special that the twinkle in his brown eyes had hinted at while the other--the other was terrified of that, remembering Faith's less than impressive experiences with love and loyalty. The latter had won out but there hadn't been a day since that had passed without her wondering what it was she might have lost.

"You know," Xander said, startling Faith from her thoughts, "Anya always bugged me about going out to the beach and watching the sun set. Every time she asked me I promised her that we would someday. And I meant it. But with us both working so much and the new big bad showing up at our doorsteps every week, we never got the chance to do that. And now we never will."

Faith opened her mouth to reply but what could she say to that? She was sorry? Everything was gonna be okay? No, none of those condolences, no matter how heartfelt they were, would fly. Of course, it really didn't help that she didn't believe in her own reassuring words. Everything sure as hell was not going to be okay--in fact, she had the feeling that things were about to pull off the ultimate suck job.

"The way I see it," Xander said, and Faith turned her inward focus back to the young man beside her, "a sunrise is like the birth, showing itself to the world everyday like it's the first time. But what is a sunrise without a sunset? It's…it's like having a life that has no ending, no promise of rest." Xander lowered his head and studied the chipped wood of the windowsill. "I guess that night at the Bronze was Anya's sunset. Maybe she was making up for never seeing one. Doesn't matter now, though. She's gone for good. Just like me."

Faith frowned and rested her forearms on the sill next to Xander. She stared at him until his reluctant gaze fell upon her. Pain and anger radiated from his brown eyes and it was something that she was intimately familiar with. How many times had she averted her own gaze from the reflection that stared back at her in order to steer clear of the monster that resided under her flesh? Oh, she knew Xander wasn't that bad by half, still, it was all there and as much as she wanted to hug him and whisper her affections, Faith knew that it would come off sounding false. So she opted for the patented Faith-directness. "No offense, X, but you sound awful fuckin' Mr. Defeatist, you know? You act like you have shit to live for, that Anya was your only reason for living. Look, I'm not sayin' it's easy, what you're goin through--fuck I know it's harder than anything you've ever been through--but this attitude of yours sure as hell ain't the same Xander that tried to reach me, not the same one that was always at B's side…"

"And look where it got me," he interrupted, "your hands around my fuckin' throat, trying to kill me and one dead fiancée, not lookin' very good on the scorecard, would you say?"

Faith wanted to deny his words but she couldn't. Also, she couldn't hold back the hurt that ripped through her at the unpleasant reminder of what she had almost done to him in that motel room. She lowered her head, hoping to hide behind her curly mane before Xander picked up her distress. Evidently it wasn't quick enough because she felt his warm palm graze her shoulder.

The brunette slayer looked up into compassionate eyes, and she was surprised at how quickly his concern had driven away the tumultuous emotions that his behind his eyes moments before.

"Look, Faith, I'm…I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help me and all but…"

"You don't think I understand." It wasn't a question and when Xander ducked his head, he confirmed what she already knew.

"You know, Xander," she said, her voice calm despite the fire burning within at the motives behind his placation, "I never figured you for a presumptuous bastard, but here you go, provin' me wrong."

"Faith I…"

She sliced her hand through the air, cutting off his words. She ran shaky fingers through her hair and inhaled the welcome scent of spring air before facing him. "You think I don't feel? You think I'm just some heartless bitch whose credo is want, take, have?" She shrugged. "Okay, so that used to be my motto and, even now, I may use it from time to time. But that's not who I am, it never was.

"The girl you saw three years ago was nothing more than a façade, a mask I pulled over myself to…to forget. I figured that if I was this bad ass bitch no one'd fuck with me, you know? Wouldn't have to worry about getting fucked over. And it almost worked, too, until I met you guys.

"Before I came to Sunny D, the only person that showed even the slightest interest in giving a shit about my well-being was Lara, my Watcher. Hell, not even my mother gave a damn, not if she let her--" Faith closed her eyes tightly, wishing away the memories that still plagued her even now. She jumped when rough fingertips tilted her chin up.

"Faith, what is it?"

She smiled at the concern Xander was showing, grateful that she had matured enough not to go on the defensive-binge at such tenderness. It was a weird feeling to say the least.

"Nothing, it's just--I just…forget it. Bad memories is all." Xander nodded and Faith exhaled her relief. But she wasn't quite done, not yet.

"The point is, Xan, is that you guys--B especially--were the first people I really cared about outside of Lara. It was so cool, that first night at the Bronze, to have people actually listening to you like you mattered. I coulda talked to you guys forever; didn't even have to be about anything important, just felt good to be listened to. And B, let me tell ya." Faith shook her head as her thoughts traveled back to that time. "It's funny, you know, I knew she was jealous of me, thought I was stealin' her thunder and all that, but I was the one jealous of her. You know why?"

Xander shook his head.

"Because, man, she had it all. She had that tough girl side that kicked ass on patrol but at the same time, she wasn't afraid to let people in, at least from what I saw. You guys saw her insecurities and her doubts and you didn't think less of her for that. Me? I was too afraid to do that. Even when you and B continued to reach out to me, as many times as I was tempted to just let go, I didn't. And then there was that time between me and you…" Faith trailed off and shot Xander a shy smile.

"Yeah, that time," Xander said and returned the smile, his cheeks tinged slightly red.

"When we were done, the few seconds afterwards, when I looked into you eyes, I just wanted to…"

"Just wanted to what, Faith?"

Unwanted tears burned in her throat and the Slayer fought them back with all her strength. She knew that they wouldn't remain dormant long, not with the memories surfacing or Xander's concerned gaze. She could always excuse herself, or change the subject--but that would be running and Faith had done enough running to last a hundred lifetimes. She wasn't going to start again.

"I wanted to lose myself, Xander, lose myself in you. In your warped sense of humor and studly bod. I wanted to hold your hand and take walks with you. Not only that, but I wanted to hang with you guys. I wanted me and B to sit up in her room and gossip, to have Joyce come in and offer us that hot chocolate she used to make. I wanted to go to school, even have the lil miss Wicca tutor me, if it meant spending time with you all. And I wanted to ask Giles to be my Watcher, so I could stay here. I…" The lump in Faith's throat was too much and the slayer bit her lip, forcing it back down. And it wasn't until Xander brushed his knuckles across her cheek that she realized that she was crying.

"Why…why didn't you?" he asked, his voice a whisper that echoed through the silence of the room.

Faith's laugh was harsh and bitter but immediately lost its bite as she spoke. "Why do you think? I was scared shitless. What if you guys didn't like the real me, what if she was someone you hated? Or worse, what if you did and something happened to you like it did with Lara? I…I couldn't take the chance…"

It was only by dumb luck that Faith realized that she and Xander were now only inches apart. He must have shuffled closer during her admission and, was it just her, or did some sly fuck turn the temp up about a thousand degrees?

"Could you now? Take the chance?" Faith shuddered as his warm breath caressed her flesh and she held back a groan at their proximity, wanting nothing more than to lose herself in him, even after all these years. But she couldn't. This wasn't about her, or even the two of them.

It was about Xander.

"I will if you don't give up," she said and was relieved when he stepped back, confusion marring his features.

"Give up?"

"Look, X, I know losing Anya hurt more than anything you've felt, I don't have to experience it to know." She watched his features sink and though she wanted to stop hurting him, it was better for everyone in the long run if she continued. "But it's over and done with…"

"Don't you think I know that?" he growled, anger clouding his tone.

"Do you?" Faith replied. "Or do you think that tormenting that young girl down there will bring her back?"

"I didn't say anything to her," he said, although some of that righteous indignation fell to the floor.

"The cruelest words, Xander, are often spoken in silence." Xander wanted to argue, she saw that clear as day, but he reigned in whatever words that were set to spill forth. He lowered his head and Faith let him be for several minutes. She was surprised when he lifted his head, to see a saddened smile graze his lips.

"When did you get to be all philosophical."

Faith smiled. "Lara used to have me read out of this quote book every day. Some of it got lodged in this sticky taffy brain of mine," she said, and tapped her skull.

"Look, Xan, the point is that the cold shoulder you're giving Baby J down there is just as bad as if you were cursing at her. She never got a chance to know most of us, since most of us were dead by the time she was born." Faith laid her hand on Xander's bicep. "Don't let her only real memory of you be hating her for Anya dying."

"I…I don't hate her, Faith. It's just that…" he sighed. "I know it's stupid and selfish and--god--oh so with the irrational, but I can't help but blame her. I know she doesn't deserve it, I know she's been through hell but I just…"

"Need someone that's still around to blame." She read the shame in his eyes and squeezed his arm supportively. "I get that, I do. But it doesn't always work that way. And something that never works and--yeah, I know it may sound funny coming from me--is holding on to the hate, the disgust, the resentment. It's only gonna eat you alive and we can't be having that. We're gonna need you big time, X. Can you do it?"

The conflict of emotions going through the young man were visible in every twitch of his flesh, every hair on his neck that the spring wind licked at. She saw the acceptance in his eyes yet his jaws hardened in what, she didn't know. But that didn't matter now. All that did was that he was going to try. Or at least that's what she thought he'd decided when their eyes locked.

"I'll try, Faith," he said, "I'll try, I promise."

Faith grinned and smacked him on the arm. "Thatta boy," she said before getting serious. "That's all you can do is try. And don't worry, I have faith in ya." They both grinned at that and Faith patted him on the shoulder before turning towards the door.

"Faith."

"Yeah?"

"I just--I just wanted to say thanks…"

"Five-by-five, X, five-by-five. Besides, it's not like you haven't done the same for me."

"Yeah. And you were right," he said and cast a glance out the window at the sun that had faded below the horizon, "it was a nice view."

Faith turned around and stalked towards him. She fed off his curiosity at her approach and she stopped only inches from him. Giving him a thorough once over, Faith stood on her toes and whispered in his ear. "I wasn't talking about the sunset, Harris." His eyes widened comically and she winked at him before fleeing the scene. It wouldn't do to ruin her image by falling on her face in hysterics, now would it?

She waited by the steps for him to exit the room and though looked at her in surprise, the warm smile that split his features gave Faith all sorts of naughty tinglies. Shaking those delicious rumblings away, Faith jogged down the steps, with Xander in tow. The talk had been something they both had needed, allowing them to close the door on the past and open a new entrance to their future. Of course, that side door she had inadvertently opened made her insides thrum with excitement but she wouldn't get too carried away. Things would develop of their own accord and Faith would be there when they were complete. She was through running.

It was time to stand her ground and fight for what she wanted. Even if she wasn't exactly sure what that was.

A/N: I know I was supposed to have the gang talk about the new developments on the Gabriel front but I wanted to get this out to you, plus, I think Faith and Xander deserved their own chapter. Next chapter should be up by the weekend.