Disclaimer: We do not own the song "One" from the musical A Chorus Line. Nor do we own any of the Death Eaters, the concept of the Death Eaters, or even the words Death Eaters. Go figure.
Chapter Seven: One
Slowly, Lucius Malfoy shuffled forward to the looming stone throne that sat in the center of the grave yard where the Riddles had been buried. "Sir?" He began tentatively. When his master turned to face him, Lucius continued, somewhat heartened, "Sir, we know that you've been feeling a little down as of late… So we thought… Well… We've prepared a little presentation for you… Shall we go ahead then?" Lucius took the Dark Lord's silence as an affirmative, and turned back to the surrounding Death Eaters. "Hit it, boys!" He exclaimed, then rushed out of view off of the stage that now sat in a space where a large stone memorial had once stood. Immediately, out of nowhere, a spotlight appeared in one corner. In the back, The Dark Mark appeared, glittering in all of its gold-sequined splendor. As a vamp instantly recognizable as "One", from the musical "A Chorus Line" began to play, Lucius strutted onto the stage, legs extended despite the fact that his sparkly gold trousers could blind the average human, with the brim of his matching top hat pulled over his face. As he counted down the introduction under his breath, Lucius Malfoy began to sing, softly at first.
"One nefarious creation,
Every little hex he throws.
One sinister vocation,
Every spell that he knows."
Crabbe and Goyle, looking more than a little uncomfortable in their gold tailcoats and holding their top hats at arms length as though they might explode at any moment, joined Lucius on the stage, although their steps were less graceful and more as though they were marching in the army. Still, when they reached center stage with smiles dutifully plastered onto their faces, they joined Lucius with loud, out of key groaning notes.
"One plot you know that the good guys are sure to rue;
You know you'll never get kindness from You Know Who.
One laugh that's high and scary
And you just break down and cry.
You know that the man won't die
Today
Hey."
Soon the entire remaining group of Death Eaters leaped onto the stage, all bedecked in the gold glitter, and joined in as the chorus, kicking out their legs in a Rockette style line, arms around one another, and the sheer force and enthusiasm of the singing was staggering.
"Oooh! Sigh! You had better beware!
Do…I…really have to declare?
He's the One?
He storms into a house
And you know-"
Here, as the only female Death Eater remaining alive, Bellatrix Lestrange took her solo role in a golden leotard and tights that looked as though they were probably made of gold-painted titanium.
"He is,
Wicked and vile, highly malign
He'll send a shiver straight up your spine."
Everyone joined in for the continuation, their smiles growing and becoming genuine as they began to enjoy their complex choreography, many flinging their hats upwards and then catching them, extending their arms as they twirled, and adding various extra charming actions.
"He storms into a house
And you know from that
Sinister strut, relentless combat,
He is where it's at.
Kill-ing,
Can't, help,
The hatred his presence is instill-ling.
Crazy and demonic is our
Scorchingly torturing, toyingly destroying
He storms into a room
And you know you must
Obey his word, follow his reign
He's a guy who can cause infinite pain.
This is watcha you call
Ev-il.
Oh, do your kicks!
Can't pull your tricks
On him.
Fawn him.
I'm a son of a gun,
He is one of kind…"
Immediately, there was a mad shuffle as the panicked Death Eaters erupted into trying to get to their places for the simultaneous sections. People tripped over one another, hit one another, and cursed one another. By the time the two groups arrived at their opposite ends of the stage, blood littered the floor, many sported bruises that clashed horribly with their costumes, and a few had various body parts frozen or tentacles sprouting out of their foreheads. On one side, the boys began to repeat the previous sections, while Bellatrix Lestrange and those of the Death Eaters who with much reluctance (and not until they had undergone a great deal of torture) admitted that they can in fact sing as tenors, or in the case of Macnair, a soprano. It perhaps explained some of his vehemence as an exterminator for the ministry; he must have been teased a great deal as a child. Immediately, the two sections began, complete with a great deal of confusion. Many immediately lost their section, and either began singing the wrong words, the wrong tune, stopped all together and twirled around a little, or even just hummed absently under their breath to God alone knows what. The males, or those who sang as males, belted out, "One nefarious creation,
Every little hex he throws.
One sinister vocation,
Every spell that he knows.
One plot you know that the good guys are sure to rue;
You know you'll never get kindness from You Know Who.
One laugh that's high and scary
And you just break down and cry.
You know that the man won't die
Today
Hey.
Oooh! Sigh! You had better beware!
Do…I…really have to declare?
He's the One?"
While the girls, others, and Macnair competed with a repeat of, "He storms into a house
And you know from that
Sinister strut, relentless combat,
He is where it's at.
Kill-ing,
Can't, help,
The hatred his presence is instill-ling.
Crazy and demonic is our
Scorchingly torturing, toyingly destroying
He storms into a room
And you know you must
Obey his word, follow his reign
He's a guy who can cause infinite pain.
This is watcha you call
Ev-il.
Oh, do your kicks!
Can't pull your tricks
On him.
Fawn him.
I'm a son of a gun,
He is one of kind…"
To the great relief of those who had been lost, since they had had terror drilled into them at the prospect of what was certain to happen to them should they make a mistake (No one had said anything specifically, but it was rumoured to involve manticores), for the grand final, they all joined back together, complete with a sloppy but vehement dance routine to rival anything they had done so far.
"One nefarious creation,
Every little hex he throws.
One sinister vocation,
Every spell that he knows.
One plot you know that the good guys are sure to rue;
You know you'll never get kindness from You Know Who.
One laugh that's high and scary
And you just break down and cry.
You know that the man won't die
Today
Hey.
Oooh! Sigh! You had better beware!
Do…I…really have to declare?
He's the…
He's the…
He's the…
One!"
With this final note, Crabbe and Goyle hurled Lucius Malfoy up into the air with rather more force than they had originally intended, perhaps partially as they were bitter because the whole scheme had been the blonde's idea (Many questioned just how stubbornly he insisted that the costumes be exactly as they had in the actual stage production). Soon Lucius was nothing but a bright gold speck in the distance. It wasn't until all of the Death Eaters stepped forward and simultaneously swept their hats out in an elaborate bow that he came crashing back down to Earth with a large thump. As he groaned and got to his feet, he turned anxiously to meet Voldemort's eyes, seeing whether or not he approved of their rather courageous stunt.
Lucius needn't have worried. From Voldemort's throne, the hot pink and orange striped newt simply blinked at them.