Well, I guess my life has turned out exactly how everyone expected it to. No job, no direction, but married to one helluva guy. That was always how I had imagined it too, I suppose. Who needed a job when you could travel to exotic places, meet exotic people? Who needed direction when you had access to the best of everything? But I was only trying to fool myself. Fusion had been a job, a direction, but one I hadn't been able to follow. Not because I hadn't enjoyed it, but because I had. So Kendall had taken it all away from me.
So this, I reasoned, was simply returning the favour. She took my company, so I had ripped out her heart. Same thing.
Sometimes I hate Ryan for doing this. He must know, he must suspect- but he never says anything. The fact that I think I've begun to feel things for him that I probably shouldn't is never mentioned. But these days I feel it, pounding beneath the surface of my skin, desperate to be let out, unleashed. And it's crippling me. This "love". Because I don't know if it is love, or if it's simply something else in disguise. Because they aren't the same kind of feelings I had for Leo . . . and that was love, of that I'm absolutely certain. I don't know what Ryan feels. Well, that's not true. Because I know he loves Kendall. The real kind of love, I mean. I see the wistful, longing look in his eyes. And I've seen the pictures he keeps in his underwear drawer. But I also know that he wants me. I've been around men long enough to recognize the signs. Giving me the once-over every time I enter the room, putting his hands on me unnecessarily. And I hate it. I hate the fact that I'm willing to accept it, accept Ryan's second-rate affection. I promised myself, after Leo, that I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I deserved. And despite of what most people think of me, I know that I deserve better than a man desperately trying to replace the woman he rejected.
But, like usual, I talk a good game. I know that as soon as Ryan makes a move, I certainly won't be resisting. I'm only human.
We're flying back to Pine Valley today, returning from our three week "honeymoon". And I'm dreading it, due to the realized fact that I will be even more of a social pariah now then I was before I left. Hard to believe. Inconsequential, I tell myself. I don't need any of those losers. Besides, David and I could always meet up. I know I can count on him not to turn his back on me. We've been through too much together. Plus, he's not exactly Mr. Popularity himself. Especially since Anna left him. For some reason, that cold-hearted witch provided him with a certain degree of social acceptance.
I was never really Anna's biggest fan, I guess. Contrary to popular opinion, I never thought she was good enough for David. And I've never been able to understand how she managed to justify what she did, leaving following Leora's death. Call David a lot of things, but he loved Leora just as much as she did. For the short time that she was alive, he lived for her. To pack up and disappear, leaving nothing behind but accusations and blame, is one of the more heartless things I've ever witnessed.
And, not for the first time, guilt overcomes me. David was-is-my friend. I should have told him. I'm sure by now he must be aware of what has occurred, but he should have heard it from me. But I didn't tell him, because I was afraid. Afraid because he would have tried to talk me out of it. Afraid because he probably would have been successful. And once again I'm confronted by the utter futility of my actions. I married Ryan. Ryan loves Kendall. I don't think I can change that and, more surprisingly, I'm not even sure if I want to. I'm just so tired of all this. And so lonely. How I wish that I could curl up in someone's, anyone's arms, and just . . . cry. Cry because of the pointlessness of all this masquerading and pretending and lying.
Cry because I'm just lying to myself. And I know it.