Call it embarrassing, maybe. I've never really considered it an essential life skill before, but right now my lack of ability with the electric can- opener is the only thing standing in the way between me and a slow, starvation-filled death. Apparently wherever Ryan went to buy Thai food is located across state lines. And he doesn't have any food that isn't kept in cans. Didn't he get the memo back in nineteen seventy? The cold war that never was is over.
I'm kidding myself if I think he went anywhere else but Kendall's though. That was pretty much a given as soon as I saw him crying over her phone messages. Who knew that Ryan Lavery was such a sensitive guy? But only when it comes to Kendall. I don't think I'll ever see the day where he's bawling over me. The only guy I've ever seen cry over me was Leo, when I called our wedding off. And David, but later I had realized that his tears were not so much for me as they had been for himself, for what he had lost. For what we had all lost. Just thinking about that time in my life makes me ache. Leo was the only thing I ever wanted, ever needed, to make me happy. So of course he was taken away. Just like Fusion.

I don't have a persecution complex, really I don't. I hate people who pull the woe-is-me shtick as much as the next person. But I can't help but feel as though my life is a joke that everyone is in on but me. I mean, I have everything, everything but something that would make it all worthwhile.

And great. I guess I'm pulling a Ryan because I start to feel those hot wet tears drip down my face, almost scalding me. I want to stop but I can't stop and I think that's the worst part of all this. The fact that I've turned into something utterly helpless sickens me to no end.

Out of frustration I throw the can of soup in my hand across the room, and watch in horror as it crashes through a window. This shocks me into silence as I stare at the jagged hole. I'm frightened that Ryan will be angry, even though I know I'm being irrational. It's a fucking window. He's not going to give a damn, and this realization renews my sobs for some reason, which become so loud that I barely hear the knock on the door.

I frantically wipe at my eyes, knowing that it is hopeless as I'm simply smudging my makeup and further reddening my eyes. I don't like people seeing me cry, even though Ryan's already seen it once tonight. And why the hell does he need me to open the door? How much food did he get?

But it isn't Ryan.

David stares at me before pushing past me into the room. I open my mouth but close it again, knowing that when David needs to get something off his chest it's better to just let him. That's one of the things I appreciate about him. Well, normally. When it's directed at someone else.

"Nice of you to let me know you were back." He says this icily, and my face flushes. He sits down on the couch and, after hesitating momentarily, I join him. David is someone I feel comfortable with. We hadn't always gotten along obviously, especially during the early parts of my relationship with Leo. Not that I had been a fan of his, either. But we had both come around, particularly after Leo had married Laura. I guess that's when he realized I was better than the alternative. I'm not really sure how it happened, but our relationship slowly evolved into that of two confidants. We could never shock each other, although I'm sure we tried.

"David, I-"

"But then, you didn't see fit to tell me you were getting married, so I can't say I'm surprised." I'll never forget how solid he was after Leo died. Those late nights where he had let me cling to him, crying because of the unfairness of it all. Holding me when I needed to be held. And sometimes, when the pain got to be too much, giving me something to ease it with. Those were the times I'd look forward to the most, when I could be light and happy and we could talk about Leo and how much we loved him and all the crazy stuff we did together. But he was always careful about the dosages, making sure I never took too much. And he never let me know what it was, in case I tried to get it somewhere else. David knew me better than most, because I would have. Anna tolerated these late night visits at the beginning, but after the third week I bypassed the problem by having David come over to my apartment. I was very selfish during that time period, even for me. I hadn't cared that people were talking, hadn't cared that David had a wife and a family of his own. I only cared about me, my grief and my pain. David's was irrelevant.

"I didn't tell anyone, David. It was just-it was easier that way." Because that way I could live in blissful denial that I loved Ryan and he loved me and that what we were doing was absolutely right for both of us.

"I'm sure. Because that way no one would have the chance to talk any sense into you. No chance to stop you from committing this atrocity." He held my gaze, and I hated the fact that he knew that I knew he was right. I smiled, but it was a cold one and I realized that I want to hurt him somehow. I don't know why.

"It's so easy for you, isn't it? Judging me." He sighed, and I saw his face soften slightly.

"I'm not judging you. I just know what you're doing isn't right." I start to spew vitriol, most of it aimed at Kendall. He tells me to shut up. "You think I give a fuck about Kendall? Or Ryan? They're worthless pieces of crap that deserve each other. They've already got you involved with their sick games. This isn't what you need right now." I try to summon the energy to deny what he's saying, but I'm unable to. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm also goddamn angry that he's commenting on this, however accurate his assessments may be.

"So David, what exactly is it that I need...right now?" He says nothing and casts his eyes downwards, and my mouth curls slightly. "You know, you have some nerve coming here, telling me what to do. You're hardly in any position to give advice on anything." His eyes narrow and I realize I've started something I don't think I want to finish.

"I guess you're not above cheap-shotting. I don't know why that should surprise me." He grasps my chin, peering into my eyes. "You're not onto the drugs again, are you?" I jerk my head away and stand up.

"I think this has gone far enough. Get the fuck out of here." He laughs loudly and doesn't move. This infuriates me. "That's just like you to bring that up, too. I suppose you had nothing to do with it, right? No involvement whatsoever, Doctor." He continues to sit there, grinning. "You know, I don't think Ryan would take too kindly to your being here. Should I call him?" I pick up the phone threateningly. I can't believe it's actually come to this. "Or maybe the police?" I can't seem to stop the flow of shit that's currently spilling from my mouth.

"Don't waste your time. Ryan already knows I'm here. In fact, he's the one who asked me to stop by." I whirl around, dropping the phone behind me. "Besides, I think he's probably otherwise engaged at the moment, don't you?"

I feel like I can't breathe. I turn my back on David, trying to get a hold of myself. Come on, I tell myself. You knew he was there already. This isn't news to you. But it isn't working. I fall to my knees as a wave of dizziness overcomes me, smacking my head on the countertop in the process. I hear David curse, but it's far away and I can't see. There are spiders crawling across my eyes, and they're blinding me.

David's grabbing my arm, I think, but I don't say anything. He says my name over and over again, and I feel him pressing something against my forehead. My vision finally clears, and I see his face, not grinning, not laughing, but something else is there. Disgust. And pity. I begin to sob again, hating him, hating myself, and knowing that this time, I might not be able to stop.