Passenger Revision Book 2, Chapter 2: Tuna Treat and Bunny Blunder, a ranma fanfic

"Tuna Treat"

Ingredients:

Four eggs, yolks and whites in separate bowls

One 6&1/2 or 7 ozcan tuna IN OIL, DO NOT DRAIN

1/4 cup grated cheese (cheddar is best)

10 oz. frozen peas or 2 cups canned

1 10&1/2 oz can condensed Cream of Mushroom Soup (undiluted)

Start heating oven to 400 degrees Farenheit. Cook frozen peas (do not use any salt).

Get a 1&1/2 quart casserole. Put in milk, soup, peas, and finally the tuna WITH THE OIL. Using a fork, mix together, make sure to break up the tuna. Put in oven for 12 min.

Beat whites until they stand in peaks when you raise the beater, beat yolks until lemon-colored. If you need exercise for your arms, use a whisk, put the rounded end in the eggs, and roll the handle like you would clay you were making into a strip.

Fold the cheese into the yolks carefully, then fold that into the whites.

Remove the other when it has baked 12 minutes, and gently pour the egg mixture on the top so it covers the whole thing.

Bake 20 minutes more. Careful when taking it out of the oven, that IS a soufflé on the top. Serves 4.

Kasumi consulted the handwritten recipie again, double-checking to make sure she was using twice the amount in the recipie.

Suiren had offered to show her, but her injuries had acted up, and this really didn't need supervision to do. Although she didn't understand the instructions for beating the eggs by hand.

This would be an interesting recipie. Also impossible to eat with chopsticks.

The look on Genma's face would be priceless.

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Passenger

Chapter 10: Tuna Treat and Bunny Blunder.

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction by Starblade

Dedicated to Life, the Universe, Everything, and the number 42.

Warning: Aw, heck. I'm not gonna write this anymore. You KNOW it's not plagiarism already.

Disclaimer: AND you already know they aren't mine. But I have to put this here. It's required by law. Dammit. Bloody waste of time.

Key:

= English

" " = Japanese

[ ] = Jusenkyou Cursed Signs

{ } = Chinese

= Mental conversation between Ranma and Suiren

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Nabiki wondered what Kasumi was up to. Something was very wrong here. Ever since Ranma had gotten here, things had been going strangely. At least, moreso than usual. And this was the strangest thing yet.

There were forks and spoons on the table instead of chopsticks.

And Kasumi was reading a book. Dinner was in five minutes, and Kasumi was reading a book instead of cooking. Kasumi always stayed in the kitchen the entire time- there was so much she did for dinners, it had always taken until the last minute.

Nabiki sat calmly at the table, apparently rereading a manga, her face expressionless. She did not, however, turn the page. Her thumbnail was digging a crescent-shaped hole in the back cover.

Inside, she was freaking out and gibbering madly.

Suiren woke up when she heard Kasumi shout out "Dinnertime!" She sat up, blinking awake, clutching a pillow to herself as she let out an extra-large yawn. Being injured like this was playing havoc with her mindset- she NEVER needed naps. Heck, she'd skipped sleep a lot from simply not being sleepy. And here she was with three naps in the last seven days- she'd just doubled her lifetime total. She clutched at the pillow again with her right hand, rubbing at her eyes with her left one.

When the pillow began to struggle, she looked at it and almost jumped. Then she remembered. Green rabbit, bandanna....

Hm. Wonder if we have any lettuce lying around.

Suiren, what's with this rabbit? Did you paint it green or something? Ranma asked, sounding equally half-awake. He rarely got the opportunity to sleep this much, and he was getting everything he could out of it.

Of course not. It was like that when I got here. She inspected the rabbit a moment. No nametag or anything either. Wonder how it got to the second floor, though. Better take it downstairs, let it out.

"Come on, green rabbit-san. We get you back outside where you belong."

Stiffly, Suiren got up from the bed, rabbit tucked into the sling, good hand on the crutch. She walked to the door, opened it and stepped out into the hall, just in time to see Akane head down the stairs. She didn't call out to the bigger girl, instead making her way patiently down the hall. Being forced to go slow was doing wonders for her patience, something she'd never really had too much of for most things.

She took the crutch under her arm, and, leaning heavily on the banister with the arm in the cast, made her way down the stairs, step-thump step-thump. She was glad she'd never had much of a sense of pain, so she was able to ignore the twinges from her mostly-healed leg. Ranma was, as ever, stoic about the pain, not deigning to give it notice.

Once down the stairs, she turned and headed towards the family/dining room, and put the rabbit down just out of sight, opening the sliding door slightly.

"Out you go, rabbit-san." She smiled at the animal. It was almost human, the way it sat there staring at her. Poor thing looked confused.

Without waiting to see if the bunny had left, she turned and headed into the family room, arm back in the sling. It wouldn't be good to worry Souun.

Ryouga, however, hopped over to the door to the family room, and sat just so, peeking into the room.

Genma sat at the table, confused, and looked for the chopsticks. You couldn't eat anything without chopsticks. It just wasn't right. Maybe Kasumi would bring them out with the food.

Kasumi stepped out of the kitchen with a tray holding two casseroles and six small bowls of applesauce.

Then again, maybe not.

There were no chopsticks, anywhere.

Kasumi set the tray down in the middle of the table, and put a large serving spoon next to each casserole. Each person got a bowl of chilled applesauce and a serving of what seemed to be some sort of tuna-and-peas casserole with a soufflé on top.

Genma, thinking quickly, pulled his pair of spare chopsticks from his bandanna to use while eating. He eyed his sometime-daughter, trying to determine how much food he could steal from her while she was adjusting to the different eating utensils.

Everyone but Genma bowed slightly over the food and said "Ittadakimasu."

Then the eating began.

If rabbits were able to chuckle, Ryouga would have laughed his flop-eared little head off.

The look on Genma's face when his daughter basically decimated one whole casserole-full of food before he could even finish one serving was priceless. His eyes bugged out to the point where they had practically left their sockets, and his glasses fell off. His jaw was sitting on the floor as his arms flailed about with the chopsticks, trying to get a purchase on something, anything in the food while figuring out how in the hell Ranma was doing that.

It just couldn't be done. All he'd succeded in doing to his food was to reduce it to a basically tasteless paste. The soufflé

Genma was going to go to bed hungry that night.

The meal basically finished, Suiren remained in place on her cushion, tail slowly lashing behind her. She had her applesauce spoon upside-down in her mouth, and was sucking on it, finding the taste of the silver metallic-tangy-good. She didn't tell anyone that, though. People always thought she was strange, either for liking the taste of metal, or for being able to taste metal.

Ryouga was eyeing the tail warily from where he was hidden in the hallway, peeking past the door just enough to see into the family room. He hadn't noticed that the girl had a tail, not even when she'd been carrying him around. The hair had preoccupied him, mostly. If it was hair.

Souun, looking ready to cry (again) at the fact that there was no more of the good food, turned to his eldest daughter. She hadn't come up with any surprises in years. He wondered what this meant.

"Kasumi, dear, you've never made that before, wherever did you find the recipe?"

"I got it from an American friend of mine. Which reminds me, there's an important announcement to make tonight." Kasumi eyed Suiren, who returned a "who, me?" look. The others eyed Kasumi, watching her nod at Suiren, and tracing her gaze to the smaller girl.

Everyone else but Genma noticed Kasumi looking at Suiren, and subjected her to a unified stare. Genma had already been looking at his child anyways, wondering when Ranma'd had the time to pick up eating skills for American table instruments. He couldn't be beaten by his son at eating! He just couldn't!

Kasumi waved her hands at Suiren in a "go on" gesture. They'd discussed this earlier, and they knew that the fathers probably weren't going to like it. Suiren tried the 'puppy dog eyes', and the firm, if amused smile in return sealed it. She should have known Kasumi wouldn't fall for that, she mused.

Suiren sighed. "Is pretty straightforward." She began, looking down at the table to avoid the stares. "You all know I am Ranma. That body I am in now is result of the Jusenkyou curse. You also know that I know different things when like this, than I know when am male."

Unified nod, and Kasumi and Suiren exchanged glances before nodding themselves.

"What I have not said, is I am girl when I am like this." She waved her hands at the stupefied faces before they could say they already figured it out. "I mean in mind too."

The response was a unified blink. Genma proceeded to slowly fall over, and Souun started to cry, stopped, started to gibber, stopped, and then started getting a thoughtful look, and continued. Nabiki let her head fall sideways, resting her ear on her shoulder, and Akane screwed her face up, squinting with one eye.

Before anyone could recover, she continued. "Because of this, I want be treated as girl when am like this, and I want to be called 'Suiren'. Also to stop people finding out curse when not want them to."

Genma jumped up, towering over the tiny girl. Surprisingly, she didn't seem the least bit intimidated by the larger man.

"Nonsense, Ranma! You're a man! A MANLY man! You will stop this foolishness this instant! It's bad enough that you dress like this-" He gestured to the amputee pajamas the girl was wearing, which were tight enough to show the bra lines. (Not, that is to say, that Suiren needed a bra just yet. But she did love to irritate the old man, for some reason she had yet to fathom herself. "But to claim that you ARE a girl when you're like-"

WHAMMO

Souun and Nabiki traced the handle of the wooden mallet, and facefaulted to see Kasumi at the other end of it from the massive wooden head that had driven Genma into the floor. Akane just stared at Kasumi.

"That's MY trick!"

'Ranma? Where?!' Thought Ryouga the off-color rabbit, looking frantically about the room until Genma started shouting at the little girl who, but for the tail and quills, could easily have been a relative of his. Especially with those fangs. He stared hard. Ranma? Really? Little red bunny eyes squinted.

True, he supposed, the girl bore some superficial resemblance to his greatest adversary, but she couldn't possibly be confused for him. For one thing, Ranma had been taller than that. Nevermind the quills and the tail and the red eyes and the fangs and the red eyes and the...

The words 'Juusenkyou Curse' floated through his head right then, though he had no idea why.

Kasumi blinked, surprised, then released the handle of the hammer with the Tendou family crest on its handle, permitting it to disappear back to subspace. She'd never used her grandmother's mallet before, but the situation just seemed to call it into her hand. It had felt... almost right, but there was something missing... ah, well. Later.

"Ara, I hope Ojisan is alright. I just wanted him to quiet down so Suiren could explain."

Akane and Suiren sweated, and Souun and Nabiki sat up, Souun looking thoughtful still, and Nabiki suspicious. In her eyes, there was something seriously wrong here.

Akane turned to yell at Suiren. "You've got to be kidding me! You just want to go into girls' bathrooms and locker rooms! Pervert!"

Nabiki turned to grill Suiren. "When did you know this? How much is it worth to you to keep your curse secret? Why bother, when the whole school knows?"

Genma pulled himself out of the floor, and turned to bellow at Suiren. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, GET US KILLED?! YOU FOOL, YOU'RE A GUY DAMMIT! WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME SO?!!? YOUR POOR FATHER HAS GONE TO SUCH TROUBLE, AND THIS IS THE THANKS HE GETS?!?!?!"

All this simultaneously, while Kasumi wondered where Akane was getting her ideas, why Suiren and Ranma WOULD want to bother keeping the curse secret, when the whole school knew, and what that "trying to get us killed" comment meant.

Souun thought a moment longer, then cut everyone off with the most massive demon-head yet, in a very pretty paisley mauve that Kasumi took a moment to just adore.

"QUIET!!!!" Shouted Demon-Head-Souun.

And it was. Genma, Nabiki, and Akane had all been blown over by the volume of Souun's yell amplified by ki waves, and decided that maybe it was time to give him a chance to respond. Kasumi, of course, was untouched, and Suiren had ducked behind the table when she'd seen Souun's head start to grow. Expanding, color-shifting heads were never a good sign. At least she was getting an instinct for some of these things.

Ryouga remained in place, some scared, some confused, and very interested. The scared was because of the mallet. And from his perspective, he'd only seen a mallet descend on Genma, then everyone staring at Akane. Obviously she had hit Genma with the mallet.

This 'Suiren' however... She was obviously a very nice person from what he'd seen, and apparently Ranma, his hated foe... okay, his worthy adversary (really, hated foe just SOUNDED so much better), turned into this kind, gentle, friendly, yet voracious and odd-appearing girl. And she wasn't really Ranma. But his Jusenkyou curse didn't do that to HIM. Maybe Ranma'd fallen in some sort of a special pool or something. The guide had mentioned that there were some... Ryouga's mind slipped back to his encounter with the cursed pools.

He had been wandering about China, looking to pick up Ranma's trail again. He NEEDED that duel. Without it, he'd never know if the Ironcloth technique he'd learned had finally allowed him to surpass Ranma in martial arts skill. He needed to know. Besides, Ranma had to explain why he hadn't shown up. Even if it had been simple cowardice, Ryouga had to hear it from his adversary's lips.

Ryouga'd just found a pool of clean clear water and crouched down to get a drink when..

"Aiyaaah! No go in water, sir! Quickly, head over here! Do not touch water! Do not fall in pool! Do not even JUMP OVER pool! Just walk carefully here, NOW!"

The bandanna'd lost boy stood up, looked around, and spotted the fat man in the Mao uniform who'd yelled at him. He seemed to be wearing a nametag of some sort, which probably meant he was important.

So, Ryouga carefully picked his way out from the area filled with pools (He still couldn't figure out how he'd gotten into the middle of them), looking up every few feet to make sure he hadn't lost his bearings. If he didn't, he might end up falling in the water, or even worse, wandering into the forest nearby. Then he might wind up lost for days before seeing someone else.

As he arrived in front of the Guide, the chubby man was amazed. The boy had not only made it out to the middle of Jusenkyou without slipping and falling into a pool, but had made it all the way back out and STILL wasn't cursed.

"Now, why shouldn't I go in the pools?"

"Sir come to house," the Guide said, indicating his shabby hut. "Self will explain everything."

A half-hour and a typical explanation later, Ryouga stepped out of the hut with the guide.

"Thanks, mister. Geez. Funky pools. I'm glad I didn't fall in one. With my luck, I'd have turned into a little pig or something, been on everyone's menu from here to eternity." He chuckled at that, and the guide did too. "So it's this way to the nearest town?" he asked, pointing in the direction of the Nyuchieju villiage.

"Yes, sir. Have nice trip!"

Humming to himself, Ryouga turned in the direction he'd been pointing as the Guide closed his door, and headed off.

Ten paces later, he heard the Guide shout from behind him "No, sir is wrong way! Is WRONG WAY!!!"

He turned his head, still walking, to see the Guide looking out his window and waving frantically.

Splash

Irony. Noun. An outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected. The incongruity of same.

-syn. Irony, Sarcasm, Satire. Indicate mockery of something or someone. The essential feature of IRONY is the indirect presentation of a contradiction between an action or expression and the context in which it occurs. In the figure of speech, emphasis is placed on the opposition between the literal and intended meaning of a statement; one thing is said and its opposite implied, as in the comment "Beautiful weather, isn't it?" made when it is raining or nasty. Ironic literature exploits, in addition to the rhetorical figure, such devices as character development, situation, and plot to stress the paradoxical nature of reality or the contrast between an ideal and an actual condition, set of circumstances, etc., frequently in such a way as to stress the absurdity present in the contradiction between substance and form... ...Irony differs from sarcasm in greater subtlety and wit. In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely, and contemptuously, for destructive purposes. It may be used in an indirect manner, and have the form of irony, as in "what a fine musician you turned out to be!" or it may be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn't play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal inflection, whereas satire and irony , arising originally as literary and rhetorical forms, are exhibited in the organization or structuring of either language or literary material. Satire usually implies the use of irony or sarcasm for censorious or critical purposes and is often directed at public figures or institutions, conventional behavior, political situations, etc.

Ryouga had no trouble accepting that that one had been his own fault. He should have kept watching his feet, making sure of where he was going. Had someone knocked him in, or had he perhaps hit a spring without being warned about them first, he might have had a reason to blame someone else, but he'd known and still hadn't watched his step. Sigh. At least people weren't trying to eat him, only to make a pet of him. That way he got fed sometimes. Though the ear-pulling wasn't fun. Nor was fighting off wild animals, though a good kick usually took care of that.

He returned his attention to the scene at hand in the Tendou family/dining room, just in time to hear the thin man in the greenish-brown gi with a moustache and long hair say:

"So, let me get this straight. When you're Ranma, you're Ranma. A guy, masculine, as in likes girls, sports, and might eventually like to be a father, right?"

Suiren was nodding now. "Hai. When am Ranma, am just like Oyaji bring me up to be."

Am not! I'm much better than Oyaji was trying for!

The thin man continued. "But, when you're like this, your a girl, feminine, as in wants to wear a dress or cute clothes, likes boys, and might eventually like to be a mother, right?" Souun was well aware that it entailed more than that on either side, but he wasn't about to spend all evening just defining things.

Suiren nodded again, looking somewhat scared. This, she believed, was, or would be, the major sticking point, as far as everyone else was concerned.

Ryouga checked about, then quietly hopped up behind Suiren and wormed his way under her left hand, which was sitting on the floor. Surprised, the girl looked down, but said nothing, looking back to Souun as she scratched the nape of Ryouga's neck softly. Nobody else noticed the rabbit.

Souun did a much better job of looking serious and thoughtful than Genma did. Where Genma generally seemed constipated when he was trying to look serious, Souun looked almost, dare anyone say it... wise.

"I suppose," he began, "That we'll just have to accept this. After all, as long as you're a man at least part of the time, you can marry one of my daughters, although they will have to accept the other part of you. Besides, when you do marry one of my daughters, you'll probably understand her better from being a girl part of the time. I think this isn't any sort of a big problem as long as we're reasonable about it."

Suiren and Kasumi nodded happily, Kasumi partially because her father was apparently finally beginning to recover his senses. Although he might just be numbed emotionally from shock, but she was willing to hope.

Akane and Nabiki were staring at their father, trying to determine if Pod People maybe really did exist. They had been too young when their mother died to really remember how Souun had been before that.

They were going to be surprised a lot by their father. Something about teaching Suiren, and the assurance that the Tendou Dojo would survive, perhaps not subject to the taxations and heavy laws on inheritance, had reawakened the good father in him. The easiest way to tell from his thoughts, of course, was that he was starting to think Genma's 'great idea' of shoving Ranma and Akane together hard as possible might not be so great after all.

Silently, the minor Kami in Nerima prepared for the return of the man who'd won the 'Best Father in Nerima' award six years running.

Souun turned to his daughters. "Akane, Kasumi, Nabiki, let us go to the dojo. We need to talk."

Numbly, Akane and Nabiki stood and headed for the dojo. Kasumi just smiled encouraginly at Suiren before following her sisters.

Souun Tendou, master of the Musabetsou Kaketou Tendou Ryu, turned to his old friend and training partner, Genma Saotome, master of the Musabetsou Kaketou Saotome Ryu, and unspoken master of the Umi-sen-ken and Yama-sen-ken.

"Saotome-kun, as an experienced father, I find I must give you some advice. Children change. You cannot force them not to. As a matter of fact, if you do, they will merely do it behind your back. It is better to keep everything sane, and in the open."

Genma spluttered. "B-b-but Tendou, surely you can't mean..."

"Saotome, someday you must remind me to tell you of the time I caught Kasumi trying some marijuana." And with that, Souun Tendou headed to the dojo, to converse with his daughters.

Genma just stared at his daughter, who was coddling a green rabbit on her lap, and decided to take a break from reality.

Suiren ignored the THUD Genma made as he passed out on the mats. She was too happy petting the rabbit, that had decided to stay. Maybe she would keep it after all, if Ojisan Tendou wasn't adverse. She'd ask him tomorrow. Without noticing, she began to hum a little.

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Author Notes, 8/10/04: Nothing to see here. Move along, move along.