At night I dream of fire.
Acrid smoke burns my throat, causing to me to choke. I can't breathe. And I'm hot. So fucking hot. I usually wake up, coughing and sputtering, lunging out of bed and splashing freezing water over my flushed and heated face. And then I lay awake, feeling the flames lick at my feet every time I close my eyes.
I don't go out during the day anymore. The sun hurts too much. I have to wait for night to fall, before I slip out to do whatever needs to be done. I'm not too worried about anyone recognizing me, even though I look pretty much the same, despite the dye job and facial hair. It's just not logical. I mean come on, I died. Case closed. I'm safer now than I ever was when I was alive.
Alexis calls sometimes, checking up on me, unleashing her maternal instincts upon me. Sometimes she puts little Kristina on the phone, and I just sit there, unmoving, as she gurgles and coos. It makes me think of my baby. The one that's going to be raised by Elizabeth and her twisted husband. It doesn't seem real to me. I'm not a father. I can't be.
She sends me money every month. Lots of it. But she can afford to; she's a Cassedine, after all. I think she's trying to make up for the mess that my life had become. Not that it's her fault. It's really no one's fault but my own.
I'm leaving soon. This city is too big, too full. People's lives are compressed, squashed together side by side on run-down streets that smell of fried chicken and garbage. I long for big houses, tree-lined streets and easy familiarity.
I'm a fool.
But I always had been. That was one thing that hadn't changed. Which was why I was planning a relocation, one that had been very carefully thought out.
Pine Valley.
It sounded perfect. Small, secluded, but harboring multi-million dollar enterprises and the people who ran them. So not just some backwater shit hole. But most of all it was a family town, a community town. I could get a nice big house with low property rates, and maybe-
-No.
No women. I didn't need or want them. Sure, I had liked sex. But for me, sex had always been a package deal with love, or the next closest thing. And I didn't feel those kinds of feelings anymore. Not since Emily had grasped them greedily, tramped and shit upon them, and then thrown them back in my face.
But that's the way it had always gone for Zander Smith. I was a pushover, and the girls all knew it. In high school, the guys all thought I was pussy whipped. Not so. I had always just felt so strongly, so powerfully towards my girlfriends that I would have done anything to make them happy. And I was never unfaithful, never even wanted to be. I just wished my significant others had felt the same way.
I'm leaving tonight, packing up my little Alfa Romeo and getting the hell out of dodge. And in sixteen hours, I'll be at my new starting point.
Everything else is just ancient history.
Author's Note- There's some Zander drabble. I know you might not be into GH, but I've been dying to write a Zander chapter for a while. And yes, I'm pretending as though he never came back after faking his death in the fire. Just drive the knife into my Zander-loving heart a little more, Guza! And thanks for the reviews I've gotten so far, I'm glad you guys like it! Suggestions from all are welcome, as I'm kind of floating around idea-free these days. I'm just pissed off about the whole David/Babe/Miranda/Bianca thing going on right now. Totally out of character for my precious David. Free Miranda, you bastard lol!
Next chapter is for either Ryan or David. Maybe even both of them. What can I say? I'm lazy!