Tatsumi had woken to the emptiness beside him, feeling slightly
cheated out of a nice morning wake-up snuggle. With a resigned sigh he
had dressed and followed the smell of coffee into his kitchen where he
found his wayward lover. Watari hadn't heard him and the way he was clutching
his coffee…
Something was wrong.
"'Taka?"
Watari turned, a bright, false smile plastered onto his face. Alarm bells shrilled inside the older shinigami.
Something was very wrong!
"Good morning, Seii."
The golden eyes, normally so warm and loving, were filled with despair that Watari was unable to hide. His face was pale, his slender frame shaking.
"Yutaka…" Tatsumi murmured and came closer.
The blond seemed to almost physically move away from him.
"What happened?" the Shadow Master asked, straight-forward.
"Nothing!"
He tilted his head, blue eyes digging into golden ones, and Watari suddenly looked away. Tatsumi closed the distance and reached for his lover, touching him gently.
"What's wrong, 'Taka? What happened?"
There was a long moment of silence, then, "What am I for you?"
Tatsumi froze. "What?"
Those expressive eyes desperately held his. "What am I for you? A toy? A way to pass the time? A warm body for the cold, lonely nights? Tell me, Tatsumi!"
Tatsumi stared at his partner, thunderstruck. Where the hell was that coming from?
"What do you see in me?" Watari whispered, eyes swimming. "Why do you stay with me? I'm nothing. I'm not your equal and never will be."
The hands were shaking so badly, coffee spilled over the rim of the cup. Tatsumi quickly steadied the hands and removed the cup, placing it securely onto the table.
"Come," he murmured and guided the distraught man over to the chairs.
He made Watari sit down and pulled a chair out opposite.
"Where did all that come from?" he wanted to know, voice calm, quiet.
Watari swallowed, refusing to meet his eyes.
"Yutaka," Tatsumi coaxed softly.
"I'm nothing," he whispered. "I'm no scientist, no doctor, and as a shinigami I rank somewhere on the lowest levels… What am I to you?!"
Tatsumi felt something inside of him clench, felt hot and cold in one, fear and hysteria colliding at the words.
"I've no function," Watari continued, voice trembling. "Just someone to fill in when no one else is around. Cannon fodder. A warm body to be disposed off… Your entertainment for the cold and lonely nights…"
He grabbed the narrow shoulders and shook the younger man, anger dispersing all other feelings. "Watari! Stop that! You're not cannon fodder! You're as important as each and every other shinigami! Enma himself chooses us!"
Watari was trembling more, chalk white, eyes dilated. "He told me…"
"Who?"
"The demon…"
"What?!" Tatsumi's anger turned into rage and the shadows churned. "What did that thing say to you?"
"He knew everything about me…"
The demon had invaded his lover's mind, Tatsumi realized in horror. He had manipulated his thoughts, his emotions, had used what he felt… had used his fears…
His fears…
The Shadow Master forced the golden eyes to look at him.
"Watari… 'Taka…"
Tears spilled over and he froze for a second, unable to comprehend, to deal with the emotions, then simply leaned forward and kissed his lover.
"You're not cannon fodder," he whispered against the pale lips. "You're not someone I just use. You're not a body to warm me. I love you."
"How… how can you? How can you love this? You could have someone to better suit you… Why bother with me?"
Watari's legs gave way and Tatsumi caught the exhausted man. He sank to the floor, Watari cradled in his arms, listening to the dry sobs. He cursed the demon for what it had done to the blond's mind. All his fears and desires, his dreams and hopes, all his private thoughts had been laid open to that monster, and it had used them cruelly. It had manipulated him, had planted the doubt. It had started to destroy the self-assured, cheerful man.
"You're everything to me, 'Taka," he murmured into the mass of blond waves.
"I'm weak…"
"No. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Even I do," he added with a light tone to his voice. "Though I'd deny ever saying it."
It didn't have the desired effect.
Tatsumi framed the pale, drawn face, gazed into the swimming eyes.
"I love you, Watari Yutaka. I fell in love with you, not your powers, not your abilities. I'll continue loving you, whatever happens. I admire your strength, your passion, your ability to cheer people up, to lighten a mood. I envy you your friendships, how you can be everyone's friend. I envy you your warmth and affections and everything I can never have. You are very strong."
He caressed the stunned face.
"Strength is not your fighting power, 'Taka. It's your soul. Yours is a rock in a sea. My rock. I need you so badly. I need you to be my light, my sunshine, my warmth. I need you to love me. I'm scared what happens if you'll ever leave me."
"Seii… I'd never… no!"
Tatsumi smiled tenderly. "I love you. This isn't about standing or rank or whatever else. This about what I feel for you. The person."
Watari raised a shaking hand and touched his chest, pressing his palm against it as if trying to push him away. But he didn't. The hand just rested there.
"I love you," Tatsumi repeated.
And then he had an armful of desperate blond in his embrace, Watari's lips crushing onto his, the kiss hard and needy. He answered it with his own emotions, holding on tight, sinking back with his lover on top of him.
"I love you," he repeated quietly, sincerely.
Watari finally quieted down, his head resting against Tatsumi's chest while the other shinigami stroked over his back, calming him – and himself. If the demon wasn't already did, he would kill it again. That monster! Why?!
The blond made a soft sound and Tatsumi blinked, aware of the shadows churning around them. His emotions were getting out of control.
"Shhhh…" he murmured. "It's okay."
"I'm sorry," Watari murmured.
"There's nothing to be sorry for. You were influenced by that thing."
"Because it exploited my fears. I can still hear its voice, feel it touch my mind…" He shivered. "It saw it all, my every thought, wish and dream."
Tatsumi carded his fingers into the long, blond strands. "I never thought you had issues concerning your status as a shinigami."
Watari sighed. "I didn't know either. But it made such sense. What am I good for?"
"You are in charge of an entire sector."
A snort. "The quietest place on earth."
"You want more action? You could apply for another sector."
Golden eyes looked at him, a frown marring the handsome features. "No."
Tatsumi smiled. "See?"
Watari chuckled and laid his head back down again.
"Did you really think I'd be such a lowlife to use you?" Tatsumi asked after a while of playing with his lover's hair.
A sigh. "The demon's arguments were… sound. Why would a powerful man like you want me?"
"Because… well, let's see… I love you?"
Watari hugged him. "Yeah, maybe," he whispered.
Tatsumi waited as he sensed a 'but' there somewhere. He was good at reading people, their emotions, their eyes, even if he himself tried to hide his from everyone else.
"I didn't dare," Watari murmured after a while. "I just didn't dare to let go and let myself believe it so completely."
"That I love you?"
A nod.
"But I do. I don't use people, 'Taka. You should know that. Before you stormed into my life and turned it upside down, there was no one else."
"Tsuzuki," the blond reminded him quietly.
He sighed. "That was one-sided and foolish on my part. I confess to feeling more for him than just friendship, but it wasn't to be. You on the other hand… you were meant to be with me. I firmly believe that."
Silence, not even broken by a hoot as 003 watched them tense anticipation and expectation.
"I never doubted the passion," Watari murmured.
Yes, the passion. Their first four weeks had been quite… well, passionate.
"You thought it was a phase?" the Shadow Master asked quietly.
A sigh. "I don't know. It happened so fast. I couldn't really give it a lot of thought. I just… reacted."
"You and me both, 'Taka. I never had a lover like you."
Golden eyes glanced at him. "You never had a lover, Tatsumi Seiichiro. Period."
He chuckled. "Yes. But even if I had had… they wouldn't have been like you. What I feel with you… it's very intense. Not just physically, 'Taka, but everywhere."
There was a long silence, then Watari shifted to look at him once more. "Thank you."
Tatsumi blinked, confused. "What for?"
"For being there, Seii. Just for being there."
He kissed him, slow and gentle. "I'll always be there for you."
Something was wrong.
"'Taka?"
Watari turned, a bright, false smile plastered onto his face. Alarm bells shrilled inside the older shinigami.
Something was very wrong!
"Good morning, Seii."
The golden eyes, normally so warm and loving, were filled with despair that Watari was unable to hide. His face was pale, his slender frame shaking.
"Yutaka…" Tatsumi murmured and came closer.
The blond seemed to almost physically move away from him.
"What happened?" the Shadow Master asked, straight-forward.
"Nothing!"
He tilted his head, blue eyes digging into golden ones, and Watari suddenly looked away. Tatsumi closed the distance and reached for his lover, touching him gently.
"What's wrong, 'Taka? What happened?"
There was a long moment of silence, then, "What am I for you?"
Tatsumi froze. "What?"
Those expressive eyes desperately held his. "What am I for you? A toy? A way to pass the time? A warm body for the cold, lonely nights? Tell me, Tatsumi!"
Tatsumi stared at his partner, thunderstruck. Where the hell was that coming from?
"What do you see in me?" Watari whispered, eyes swimming. "Why do you stay with me? I'm nothing. I'm not your equal and never will be."
The hands were shaking so badly, coffee spilled over the rim of the cup. Tatsumi quickly steadied the hands and removed the cup, placing it securely onto the table.
"Come," he murmured and guided the distraught man over to the chairs.
He made Watari sit down and pulled a chair out opposite.
"Where did all that come from?" he wanted to know, voice calm, quiet.
Watari swallowed, refusing to meet his eyes.
"Yutaka," Tatsumi coaxed softly.
"I'm nothing," he whispered. "I'm no scientist, no doctor, and as a shinigami I rank somewhere on the lowest levels… What am I to you?!"
Tatsumi felt something inside of him clench, felt hot and cold in one, fear and hysteria colliding at the words.
"I've no function," Watari continued, voice trembling. "Just someone to fill in when no one else is around. Cannon fodder. A warm body to be disposed off… Your entertainment for the cold and lonely nights…"
He grabbed the narrow shoulders and shook the younger man, anger dispersing all other feelings. "Watari! Stop that! You're not cannon fodder! You're as important as each and every other shinigami! Enma himself chooses us!"
Watari was trembling more, chalk white, eyes dilated. "He told me…"
"Who?"
"The demon…"
"What?!" Tatsumi's anger turned into rage and the shadows churned. "What did that thing say to you?"
"He knew everything about me…"
The demon had invaded his lover's mind, Tatsumi realized in horror. He had manipulated his thoughts, his emotions, had used what he felt… had used his fears…
His fears…
The Shadow Master forced the golden eyes to look at him.
"Watari… 'Taka…"
Tears spilled over and he froze for a second, unable to comprehend, to deal with the emotions, then simply leaned forward and kissed his lover.
"You're not cannon fodder," he whispered against the pale lips. "You're not someone I just use. You're not a body to warm me. I love you."
"How… how can you? How can you love this? You could have someone to better suit you… Why bother with me?"
Watari's legs gave way and Tatsumi caught the exhausted man. He sank to the floor, Watari cradled in his arms, listening to the dry sobs. He cursed the demon for what it had done to the blond's mind. All his fears and desires, his dreams and hopes, all his private thoughts had been laid open to that monster, and it had used them cruelly. It had manipulated him, had planted the doubt. It had started to destroy the self-assured, cheerful man.
"You're everything to me, 'Taka," he murmured into the mass of blond waves.
"I'm weak…"
"No. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Even I do," he added with a light tone to his voice. "Though I'd deny ever saying it."
It didn't have the desired effect.
Tatsumi framed the pale, drawn face, gazed into the swimming eyes.
"I love you, Watari Yutaka. I fell in love with you, not your powers, not your abilities. I'll continue loving you, whatever happens. I admire your strength, your passion, your ability to cheer people up, to lighten a mood. I envy you your friendships, how you can be everyone's friend. I envy you your warmth and affections and everything I can never have. You are very strong."
He caressed the stunned face.
"Strength is not your fighting power, 'Taka. It's your soul. Yours is a rock in a sea. My rock. I need you so badly. I need you to be my light, my sunshine, my warmth. I need you to love me. I'm scared what happens if you'll ever leave me."
"Seii… I'd never… no!"
Tatsumi smiled tenderly. "I love you. This isn't about standing or rank or whatever else. This about what I feel for you. The person."
Watari raised a shaking hand and touched his chest, pressing his palm against it as if trying to push him away. But he didn't. The hand just rested there.
"I love you," Tatsumi repeated.
And then he had an armful of desperate blond in his embrace, Watari's lips crushing onto his, the kiss hard and needy. He answered it with his own emotions, holding on tight, sinking back with his lover on top of him.
"I love you," he repeated quietly, sincerely.
Watari finally quieted down, his head resting against Tatsumi's chest while the other shinigami stroked over his back, calming him – and himself. If the demon wasn't already did, he would kill it again. That monster! Why?!
The blond made a soft sound and Tatsumi blinked, aware of the shadows churning around them. His emotions were getting out of control.
"Shhhh…" he murmured. "It's okay."
"I'm sorry," Watari murmured.
"There's nothing to be sorry for. You were influenced by that thing."
"Because it exploited my fears. I can still hear its voice, feel it touch my mind…" He shivered. "It saw it all, my every thought, wish and dream."
Tatsumi carded his fingers into the long, blond strands. "I never thought you had issues concerning your status as a shinigami."
Watari sighed. "I didn't know either. But it made such sense. What am I good for?"
"You are in charge of an entire sector."
A snort. "The quietest place on earth."
"You want more action? You could apply for another sector."
Golden eyes looked at him, a frown marring the handsome features. "No."
Tatsumi smiled. "See?"
Watari chuckled and laid his head back down again.
"Did you really think I'd be such a lowlife to use you?" Tatsumi asked after a while of playing with his lover's hair.
A sigh. "The demon's arguments were… sound. Why would a powerful man like you want me?"
"Because… well, let's see… I love you?"
Watari hugged him. "Yeah, maybe," he whispered.
Tatsumi waited as he sensed a 'but' there somewhere. He was good at reading people, their emotions, their eyes, even if he himself tried to hide his from everyone else.
"I didn't dare," Watari murmured after a while. "I just didn't dare to let go and let myself believe it so completely."
"That I love you?"
A nod.
"But I do. I don't use people, 'Taka. You should know that. Before you stormed into my life and turned it upside down, there was no one else."
"Tsuzuki," the blond reminded him quietly.
He sighed. "That was one-sided and foolish on my part. I confess to feeling more for him than just friendship, but it wasn't to be. You on the other hand… you were meant to be with me. I firmly believe that."
Silence, not even broken by a hoot as 003 watched them tense anticipation and expectation.
"I never doubted the passion," Watari murmured.
Yes, the passion. Their first four weeks had been quite… well, passionate.
"You thought it was a phase?" the Shadow Master asked quietly.
A sigh. "I don't know. It happened so fast. I couldn't really give it a lot of thought. I just… reacted."
"You and me both, 'Taka. I never had a lover like you."
Golden eyes glanced at him. "You never had a lover, Tatsumi Seiichiro. Period."
He chuckled. "Yes. But even if I had had… they wouldn't have been like you. What I feel with you… it's very intense. Not just physically, 'Taka, but everywhere."
There was a long silence, then Watari shifted to look at him once more. "Thank you."
Tatsumi blinked, confused. "What for?"
"For being there, Seii. Just for being there."
He kissed him, slow and gentle. "I'll always be there for you."