Chapter 1
Shinji had been having strange dreams recently. Dreams tied into his state of paranoia. He wasn't sure why he felt this way, but he was certain there was someone or something out to get him. Perhaps it was Nerv's secret service that wanted him dead. Or perhaps it was someone who lost a relative while he was battling the Angels. Nerv ex employes certainly had motive to finish him off, they might decide he knew too much, even though he always felt like he knew nothing at all.
Shinji sat up suddenly, and got off his futon. He tried to calm himself down. "I am unimportant. Why would anyone want me dead?" he muttered to himself. If Nerv wanted him dead, He guessed he would have been killed by now. They would certainly have gotten round to it before the organization was disbanded by the UN.
Ever since third impact failed, Shinji's life had become uneventful. He wasn't in contact with anyone whom he had befriended while piloting his Eva unit.
Asuka had been reborn into a more secure and confident person. She was more arrogant than ever, yet her arrogance came from a sense of sureness about herself. That meant, basically, that she had no need for Shinji or anyone else. She left Japan, not wanting anything more to do with Nerv. Last Shinji heard of her was that she had become some sort of a young guru figure.
Shinji sat down on the futon again, just thinking about life. Rei was missing. Gendo was missing, presumed dead. Misato-dead. Kaji-also dead. Kaworu was dead, and Ritsuko was dead. It seemed that everyone who had been killed before the failed third impact didn't come back to life. He wished Asuka had stayed dead, better she didnt come back to life, just so she could reject him.
Only the people who took part in the failed merging of humankind were returned to their former states. Shinji had no idea how it worked. Asuka had been the only exception. Shinji really had only two friends left. He couldn't bear to see Toji, and he didn't want to keep in contact with Kensuke in case he indirectly found out more about Toji.
Perhaps Toji was the one who wanted him dead. "Dont be paraniod," Shinji thought to himself. Shinji had no one, he was all alone. Misato had arranged for the apartment to pass on to him when she died. It had been nice of her to have had the foresight to arrange that. Yet he couldn't help wonder whether she did it because she cared or because she was tying up a loose end that her job required.
Shinji started to sweat, feeling anxious. 'Am I just a loose end?' He thought to himself. He told himself not to think like that. 'I am so unimportant that I think up fantasies where I am important, even if it's only important enough to be killed,' he told himself, trying to think logically.
Yet logic couldn't put his irrational brain at ease. Seele was bound to be still about. Nerv had to be disbanded for the public's sake, as there was no official point in its existence anymore. Seele still had to be about, though. Shinji never really got his head round the politics of the Nerv/Seele situation, yet even he knew that Nerv had too many resources to do away with completely. Whoever controlled the technology behind the Evangelions would have the power to run the world.
Shinji lay down back down on his futon. He knew he wouldn't be able to get sleep; he had too much to think about. Was he paranoid? What would Seele want with him, if anything at all? Perhaps he was lucky enough to be useful to them-then, maybe, they would let him live. Perhaps killing him would draw too much attention to Seele. Shinji had no idea what to think.
Shinji wiped the sweat off his forehead. It must've been really hot. The sweat was making his bed wet and sticky. He frowned, looking up at the ceiling. This place had too many memories. The only reason he stayed was the simple fact that he owned the place. He didn't want to go back to his teacher. He doubted he would be taken back by him anyway. Property values in this place were low-there was simply no demand to move into a city like this. A city associated with death and destruction; half of the city had been leveled. He couldn't sell it and expect to find a place somewhere else, in another city. In fact, he was sure he would have to pay someone to take it.
Ikairi groaned in frustration. He wanted to sleep so badly. Yet the more he wanted to sleep, the more he couldn't. And the more he couldn't sleep, the more he would think, which got him even more worried. And the more worried he got, the more he wanted to sleep. Perhaps being murdered would be a mercy. "Asuka, why did you leave me?" Shinji muttered to himself.
He started touching himself. It was more out of boredom than arousal. Shinji sighed-it was going to be a long night. He had a lot of time to kill. "Got to get out of this city," Shinji groaned. "Asuka... Misato, Kaworu," Shinji moaned out name after name, almost to test what would get him excited. "Rei!" Shinji suddenly stopped and sat up. He felt disgusted that he had thought of Rei, someone who was his reborn mother, yet he couldn't stop thinking about that time in her apartment. That time when he saw her naked, the time he touched her breas...
Shinji got dressed. He decided to go for a walk-anything to avoid thinking too much.
The walk wasn't helping him at all. He should've known it was a bad idea. He was thinking more than ever. Thoughts, endless thoughts about the city he had helped destroy. It was a ghost town, hardly anyone was here. There would be no rebirth for this city. "Still born..." Shinji muttered to himself as he walked. He remembered when this city had a crowded nightlife. Now there was hardly anyone about. The few people he did see, he had no idea what they were doing there. What reason would someone have to stay? Perhaps the same reason he had; they where trapped, just like him.
No one went into the centre of the city, there was nothing there at all. Everyone who stayed behind lived in the suburbs. Shinji had never really thought about the death count before, Nerv never made a point of telling him the details. They needed a stable, reliable pilot, not a guilt-ridden useless boy. Shinji felt like crying now, yet he couldn't, for he was in public.
He headed into a park, perhaps he could hide from the city there. He didnt want to return home. "Mustn't run away," he muttered to himself. The meaning of those words were long lost to him, yet he muttered them out of habit every now and then. He sat down on a park bench. If he looked down to the ground, he could avoid looking at the skyline. He could avoid looking at the ruined city.
He looked at his watch. 1:23 PM. He had hours to kill. Perhaps this was the best way to kill it, staring down at the ground... He wished he had brought his SDAT player with him.
"Hey kid. What's wrong?" a passer-by asked. Shinji just ignored him. "Hey, you! Shinji Ikari! Great job with the city, pal!" someone else snarled at him sarcastically. An hour had passed, and still he didn't leave the spot. He closed his eyes, wishing for all of this to just go away. He wished the third impact did happen. 'Only one life form can inherit the future,' Kaworu had told him.
He wished for any other future than this one. He wished to be anyone else but himself. Did Kaworu mean he would've become God? Or did he mean he would be stuck in a dead world alone, vulnerable as any other? "He died for a false hope. He neglected his will to live," Misato had told him on the night he murdered his only true love.
Shinji hated Misato for those words: "False hope. False hope." Shinji muttered to himself as he sat there. She was talking about him. If Kaworu had died for him, and that was a false hope, then Shinji really was the false hope she had been talking about. Yes, he was a false hope, a false future. She had only spoken the truth, yet he hated her for it. He hated her for not caring about him. He was merely a job, a task to her. He hated her for doing what anyone would do. Be indifferent to him.
His was less than that to his Father. He was something to be ignored, an object to be used. He was glad his Father was dead-he didn't have to see this, see Shinji like this.
'Inherit the future'. What future? Perhaps Kaworu hated him. Perhaps Kaworu had given him this future because he wanted to punish him. Kaworu-so wise and philosophical-wise enough to know when to bow out. Wise enough to pass the buck on to him. "Love you," Shinji muttered the words he never dared say to him while Kaworu was alive, meaningless words. He wasnt sure he truely felt them, perhaps he would of fallen in love with anyone who showed him affection that night.
Rei. Where are you? Life wasn't pleased just with giving him a father who loathed him; it had to bring back his mother in the form of an indifferent, cold person, too. Rei was gone, and she didn't care. "I need you," he muttered again to himself. He fooled himself into thinking she was starting to open up to him.
Asuka. Rejection. The memory Shinji didn't want to think about entered his mind again. "Shinji. I am sorry, but you're a loser. I am not saying this to boost my low self-esteem. I am beyond all that nonsense now," She rolled her eyes as she spoke.. "It's just that I am not going to spend the rest of my life here with you. Anyway, you're muttering on about this Kaworu in your sleep all the time. Why do you want me to live with you if you're in love with a dead angel? You know, I am sure there are still bars that cater to your sort, even in this mess of a city. There is a whole world out there waiting for me. Waiting for my wisdom." Asuka paused, then frowned evilly at Shinji. "Shinji, I have discovered the secret of life. Here's a little clue-you're not part of it." Those were the last words Shinji heard from Asuka. Then she left.
Shinji was shaking. His hands were clutching, almost squeezing his own head. Tears were running down his face. He had been sitting there for hours. It was now early in the morning. He wished he could stay there forever. He wasn't worthless, he was only insecure. He wished he could stay somewhere out of sight, at least. He couldn't stop thinking. He was trapped by his own thoughts. Yet he wished he could spare the rest of the world of his pitiable sight. He kept on telling himself that he deserved to be liked. Yet deep down he knew that was a lie.
"Shinji?" a familiar voice called out. Shinji ignored it, just like he did with all the other passers-by. A soft hand was placed on his shoulder. "Shinji? Please answer me. Believe it or not, I do know what you are going through." Shinji blinked, and looked up. It was Maya.