Chapter 2

How could she say such a thing? She couldn't possibly understand what he was going through. She couldn't understand what it was like to be him, to be so worthless and useless. There were times he wished people could really understand him, that he could take solace in people's false sympathy. "Misato, you were an expert in that," Shinji muttered to himself as he walked. Yet he was glad that he couldn't be understood and that he was fundamentally alone, as Kaworu once put it. The thought of someone else seeing into his pathetic mind scared him. He was glad he didn't believe in God. An omnipotent being who could pry into his mind wasn't something that comforted him.

When they finally got back to her place, she offered him some tea to help him relax. She also said something about wanting to show him something. Shinji felt pitiful about the fact that he had appeared so wretched in public. He hated the fact that Maya had seen him like that, but perhaps he did it on purpose. Perhaps he showed himself off at his lowest in the hopes that he would get sympathy; why then did he feel so disgusted when he finally got it?

He didn't notice what Maya was wearing until he sat down and watched her make him tea. It seemed as though Maya just threw on any old thing and left in a rush. Perhaps that's why she was out this late. She couldn't sleep, just like him. It must have been purely by mistake. Pretty, modest Maya. Yes, a mistake, but still... still the pink shirt she was wearing was almost see-through. Yes, she must have thrown on the lightest shirt possible because it was so hot. The same heat that stopped him from sleeping.

Shinji was getting frustrated. What was the point of staring at something he could never have? He was only 14, while she was 24. The way he could see what bra she was wearing reminded him he was only a boy and she was a fully-matured woman. Shinji looked down to the floor to avoid staring. He felt so inadequate at times like this.

Maya looked at Shinji in a concerned manner. She found Shinji's silence a cause for worry. She wasn't normally a talkative one herself, yet there was a strange intensity to Shinji's silence that she found disturbing. Shinji was somehow passive at the same time, however. She handed him his tea. When he refused to take it, she just placed it on the table with a sigh.

"I got something for you, but first, I suppose I should tell you something."

Shinji didn't reply, refusing to open his eyes. Maya blinked. Perhaps he wasn't interested? Well, that didn't matter, she had to tell someone. She kept those feelings bottled up far too long. "Shinji? I lost someone I loved, too. She was my closest friend."

Shinji finally opened his eyes. Did he hear her say She? "Huh?" He soon shut them again. "Just put a shirt on please, quickly," Shinji whined. Maya blinked again. She looked down at what she was wearing. She blushed like mad when she realized how revealing her shirt was. She hoped no one noticed her while she was out walking. She went off to the bedroom and quickly put on another shirt on top of the one she was wearing.

'Does she really think I care? I don't care about others. I'm selfish. I am a selfish, self-obsessed little boy,' Shinji thought to himself. Maya came back and sat down near Shinji. She thought that most boys would be happy to see a woman's body, so she found Shinji's reaction strange. 'Perhaps they were even closer than I thought they were,' she thought to herself.

Maya sighed, pausing for a second. She found what she was about to say very difficult to come out with. "Um... I loved someone. I never got the chance to tell her." Shinji's ears almost perked hearing that. He felt interested now, even he couldn't be indifferent to that. "I miss her. I wish I told her how I felt. I loved Ritsuko Akagi." It seemed like she was about to break down crying. She didn't though. She held it in.

Shinji thought that perhaps it was for the best that Maya had never revealed her feelings for Ritsuko. Ritsuko, who was obsessed with his father. Shinji wouldn't tell Maya about that side of her love-he would spare her. He also had to fight the urge of filing the thought of Maya and Ritsuko together as a masturbatory fantasy for later. "What does this have to do with me?" Shinji asked.

Maya smiled a sad, faint smile at Shinji as they finally made eye contact. "You lost someone you cared about, too, didn't you?" Shinji closed his eyes and clenched his fist. "Did Misato tell you?" Shinji growled. Maya shook her head slowly. "No, but I heard your reaction when you found out he was an Angel. It wouldn't take a genius to figure it out. I was also told by Kaworu, in a way," she replied. Shinji jumped up onto his feet suddenly. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"Kaworu left you something." Maya got up and went into the bedroom again. When she came back, she was holding a shoebox with a note stuck on top of it. Shinji snatched the note from Maya, almost tearing it in two in the process. He wanted to see what Kaworu left him so badly. Shinji read the note:

'To Maya. Please give this note to Shinji. You are the only person I can trust to pass this on to him. I feel Shinji will need someone as compassionate as you to comfort him. And I don't mind sharing my feelings with you. I ask you not to look inside the box, for Shinji's sake.'

Shinji opened the box and inside was a note. There was also a collection of SDAT tapes.

'Dear Shinji,

If you get this note, it most likely means the human instrumentally project failed, or it didn't quite work out the way Seele planned. The Dead Sea scrolls are vague and can be interpreted in many different ways. Even one such as I cannot fully understand them. Hopefully my sacrifice wasn't in vain. In this box are tapes for you to listen, too. All the major works of Beethoven are in here.

I used to wonder what pain Beethoven went through. He was the perfect symbol of every man's isolation. Deaf, bitter, alone. Scared that the world passed him by. There was a time when his music was out of fashion. Italian comedic operas were the latest fad, yet, paradoxically, that's what made him strong. Perhaps it was the desire to communicate his feelings-a desire that drives all of mankind-that pushed him to such greatness. Or, perhaps, with his music he did what words couldn't do for him. There is such hope and strength in his music-the same hope that runs through my mind when I think of you. As I write this, we haven't even met yet, but I already love you. I have been watching you for a while now.

Do not give up hope. Even if you fail in the struggle that is life. At least it's something-to feel hope, even if it's brief. Perhaps life is only lived for those brief moments of joy. Words fail me right now. I think that my feelings for you can only be expressed through music. My friendship for you transcends death.

PS: Be strong. I have faith in you. You will survive my death. Mankind has a future, thanks to you. Even if mankind squanders it, nothing can erase the gift you gave to it.

PSS: I think you're cute.'

Shinji started sobbing quietly, yet there was a hint of sweetness to his melancholy. Perhaps he could finally put it all behind him. Maya placed a hand on his shoulder. Shinji went to pull away. "Perhaps you should spend the night? I mean, we are both lonely," Maya offered.

Shinji just nodded, wiping the tears away. "I'll take the sofa, right?"

"Actually, I was offering you the bed," Maya replied. She then blushed, realizing what that sounded like.

Shinji also blushed like mad in reply. "No thanks, the sofa will be fine."

Meanwhile, somewhere quite far away, or perhaps closer than Shinji realized, a voice boomed: "This wasn't what was promised," it roared. "This is just chaos. You promised unity, yet what we get is the rabble disunited," a Russian voice complained bitterly. "People no longer work to our schedule. The fabric of the very society we tried to save is collapsing," a voice with a European accent pointed out. "Oh, false prophet. How you have betrayed us," another voice accused.

Seele no longer bothered with their illusions. This wasn't a dark room with holographic monoliths circling round a table. Keel Lorenz, head of SEELE, was sitting in a small white room, listening to the complaints of his fellow SEELE conspirators. He sat there to hear them out one at a time over a secure computer connection, but order was now lacking among the members of SEELE. They all seemed to be shouting and ranting at the same time. Keel could no longer make sense of them; he could only catch a vague threat from time to time. Finally, he had had enough.

"Silence." The elder man stood up. The room fell silent. He adjusted the red visor that enabled him to see. Keel had clearly had enough. "You talk about the chaos of the rabble, when you're no better yourselves. We are mankind's shepherds. If we are to sooth the savage beast of the ignorant masses, we need to remain calm." He paused, giving his audience time to reflect on his words-time to reflect on his authoritative manner.

"Yes, we have failed," he continued. "Perhaps we misunderstood the Dead Sea scrolls. Perhaps God has betrayed us. Perhaps, like a rotten jealous father he stopped his own children from achieving greatness that equaled his own. That shouldn't stop us from shaping the world into our liking. We put our misplaced faith into old religious texts; instead, we shall simply put our faith into the religion of science."

The Russian voice replied cynically, "That is all very well and good, third impact may have failed, but something still happened; something that has affected the whole of mankind. There is mass religious hysteria around the world. Nations are threatening to splinter into smaller religious states that will be uncontrollable. I would rather see the Earth burn in the fires of a nuclear holocaust than see my nation slip out of my grip."

Keel smirked evilly. "I feel the same way, but don't be so rash. Instead of fighting against this wave of religious fervor, we shall simply use it, for our own ends."

"How can we? You said to put our faith in science."

Keel's grin widened. "Don't you realize that thanks to our science we have the perfect tools to distract and control the masses?"

The collective sigh of realization could be heard from all members of SEELE. "How can you ever forgive us for our lack of faith?" the Russian voice asked.

"Don't worry, you're forgiven. We are a brotherhood with the same goals. Try to remain calm in future," Keel replied, but secretly he thought to himself: "You have all shown yourselves to be unreliable. My forgiveness only extends to a quick and painless death."