Chapter 3

Shinji lay back on the sofa, still not able to sleep. For the first time ever since third impact, he was thinking about something other than his own personal problems. "I'm self-obsessed," the boy whispered to himself. It was strange how the world carried on like the third impact never happened. It was never mentioned in the media-not that he paid much attention to it recently.

He was so glad that Asuka had come back to life, even though he never asked himself why until now. Why did Asuka come back when Gendo didn't? Everyone who had been murdered by the JSSDF had stayed dead, including Misato. 'That was an adult kiss, let's continue this when we get home'. Shinji tried not to think about those words of hers. Shinji tried not to think about his disappointment at the fact that he never got to continue. It was selfish of him to think that way, but he couldn't help but feel a twinge of excitement at the possibility every time he remembered that kiss. Even though Shinji realized that Misato only did that to snap him out of his depression. She couldn't have been truly interested in a child like him.

Shinji sighed; his thoughts were getting side-tracked. 'Focus'. Shinji hadn't been paying much attention at the time, but he remembered the government announcement that all Evangelions would be destroyed. All technology that led to the Evangelions' creation would be suppressed. It would be illegal to do any more research into biological mechas. Japan would take the lead into banning the use of Eva technology, and would push to make it international law.

Shinji couldn't quite bring himself to believe this. He wasn't an expert in politics but even he realized that Japan wouldn't give up the technology that now made it into a world superpower. America and Europe also had a stake in using the technology. Shinji sighed again-he would've normally go out walking so he could stop thinking, but at least now he was focused on something. It wasn't something he could do anything about, but it was better than thinking about his own problems. Yet Shinji still wanted to take his mind off things.

Shinji reached for his SDAT player. He put in a tape labeled 'Beethoven's 4th Piano Concerto'. The first movement was unlike any other piece of classical music he had heard before. The way the piano introduced the music. The way the piano soloist didn't try to dazzle with his fancy virtuoso playing, instead weaving his music with a meditative quality. This was truly the music of freedom. There was even a bit that sounded somewhat like an ode to joy, which made Shinji think of Kaworu again. It wouldn't be the last time his handsome smiling face flashed through his mind.

It was the second and third movement that Shinji found the most amazing. The orchestra blared in, sounding arrogant, angry, and regal. The piano didn't reply in kind; instead it chose to express itself in soft, gently-soothing tones. It was a duel that the piano would win. Eventually, the soloist soothed the orchestra. It was like a monster who had been tamed with a soft touch. The movement ended with the most beautiful musical poetry.

Suddenly, without warning, the third movement kicked in, the orchestra starting off with a fanfare of hope. Shinji almost jumped in shock. What he just heard was perhaps the most perfect moment in music. His brain was almost buzzing. This was about triumph over despair, the meaning in this music couldn't be clearer. This was the most beautiful Rondo he had ever heard. His music teacher had mostly made him play Bach, which meant he never really had the chance to explore Beethoven before. Shinji stopped the tape as soon as the music finished. "Thank you, Kaworu," he muttered with a smile.

Shinji sat up. "Maya, are you awake?" he called out.

"Yes. I can't seem to sleep," she replied.

Shinji nodded, smiling. He was in a good mood thanks to Beethoven. To think music could make him feel that way. Perhaps if he never found happiness again, it would be worth it just to listen to that piece of music. Shinji then asked Maya, "Can you find out what's going on with the government for me?"

Maya sat up as well, now. "What do you mean?"

Shinji got up to his feet, yawning. "You know how you're a computer expert, right? Can you, like, hack things to find out what's going on?" Shinji asked.

"Urm... Shinji, that is illegal, you know." Maya had no idea what brought this on. Normally, Shinji seemed to deal with life by being passive. Then again, she never really got to know him that well. "Yeah, I know, but I just want to know what's going on. I am sick of being in the dark. How am I supposed to cope with life if I don't even know anything? I want to know what happened to the Evas, to NERV and SEELE. Also, there are many more things I need to know."

Maya smiled, glad that Shinji was showing an interest in something. "You know, I haven't been paying too much attention to the outside world either..." Maya paused to think. "Shinji, do you still go to school?" she asked.

"No," Shinji replied bluntly, not wanting to explain why.

"I won't push you on your reasons, but I tell you what: if you promise to let me teach you all I know about computers, I will grant you your request." The young boy nodded, accepting the offer, "Alright." Maya smiled and appeared to consider something for a moment before asking, "Shinji? Can I ask you a favour now?"

"Sure," Shinji replied without thinking.

"Can you move in with me permanently?"

Shinji blushed slightly. "Well... urm... er..." he stuttered.

"What's wrong? Don't you want to live with someone? I need your company. I need you, Shinji. I am sick of living alone." Maya also felt herself begin to blush as she explained her reasons. She normally wasn't so blunt, but she decided never to keep her feelings bottled up ever again. She had never been so open with anyone before.

Shinji's blush turned even redder. "Maya, no one has ever said that to me before. No one has ever asked me to stay with them simply for my company. Misato just had a use for me; I doubt she would have had me move in with her otherwise." Was it his positive frame of mind that has lead to this? Shinji couldn't believe he had been so depressed only a few hours ago. "Urm... but it isn't that. Don't you have... maybe...?" Shinji stuttered again.

Maya blinked, wondering what was causing Shinji to act so awkwardly. "Come on, Shinji, spit it out," she said, wondering what was on his mind.

"Don't you have... like... I mean, aren't you going to have... Well, the thing is, you might have lady friends come r-round?" he asked, just about managing to finish one of the hardest sentences he ever had to tackle in his life.

Maya couldn't help but giggle softly. "Perhaps, but aren't you going to invite any boys round?"

Shinji blushed yet again. "NO! I think I like girls mostly. K-Kaworu was just different, ok?" Shinji snapped, at which Maya replied teasingly, "Mostly?" She never realized how easy it was to provoke Shinji. In fact, she couldn't imagine herself trying to tease anyone, never mind succeeding. She was going to have a lot of fun living with Ikari, as well as getting to know him-he seemed like a nice boy.

Shinji lay down on the sofa, searching for another tape to play on his SDAT player. "I'm not talking to you anymore. You're such a tease," Shinji complained.

Shinji had been living with Maya for a few days now. It was certainly a very different experience compared to living with Misato. Shinji couldn't really think of any ulterior motive that Maya might have for wanting to live with him. Maya also seemed more sensitive than Misato ever was-at least she didn't lounge about drunk every other day. When Shinji got depressed, Maya didn't tell him to shape up or grow up, she offered her unconditional support. What felt strange to Shinji was the fact that Maya would seek out his company whenever he tried to hide away, to be alone.

Not walking around the house half-naked was a bonus too. He did sort of miss that, though. He had gotten to know Misato's body quite well-not that he was watching on purpose, it was Misato's fault in the first place.

Shinji devoured the tapes Kaworu had left for him. Concertos, symphonies, chamber music, piano sonatas; the tape collection was almost the complete works of Beethoven. There were even a few recordings by Kaworu himself. Shinji sighed, realizing he had murdered a great talent. 'No, I mustn't think about that,' he thought to himself.

Later Shinji started cooking while Maya was busy finding out what was going on in the world. They were both quite shocked at how much chaos there was. It seemed like all of these events had passed them both by. They had been too busy grieving lost friends.

"Russia is in chaos! The Russian president has been assassinated and they're blaming religious fanatics. This is awful! Let's hope Japan doesn't get caught up in this," Maya called out to Shinji, reading from the headlines that were on the web.

Shinji sighed, nodding. "I think Japan is getting the worst of it though. Hoping for better won't change that," Shinji called back.

If the nation of Japan was hit by the strongest religious fervor, Tokyo 3 was the eye of the storm. Countless cults sprung up all over the city. There could have been as many as 200 small sects all over the city. The only thing uniting them was the hatred they had for the government. It didn't help that the government was broadcasting anti-cult propaganda over the TV and radio. To those who weren't religious this didn't mean much. To the faithful, on the other side, it was the ultimate insult, proof that the government was evil.

Shinji and Maya were both very lucky to live in the government-controlled part of the city. Maya was thankful she found Shinji when she did. It was clear he wouldn't have survived much longer outside of the area. She had quickly grown fond of the boy. He filled a gap in her life that had been empty for a very long time. She silently swore to herself that she would never abandon him, not while she was still alive. She hoped she would be able to protect him.

Shinji finished cooking the egg and noodles. They were using their food supplies sparingly. They didn't know when the government would stop sending supplies to feed the civilian population in Tokyo 3. Shinji was sitting on the last of the money Misato gave to him in case they would ever need anything from the black market. "Come and get it!" Shinji called out as he served the food on two plates.

Maya came in and sat at the table. "You should see some of the websites the cultists have put up. The stuff they put up there would be funny if it wasn't so serious. They really believe in whatever modern myths their leaders make up."

Shinji nodded as he sat down for dinner. They ate in silence. They soon finished their meal, as there wasn't that much to eat.

Had Asuka gone to Germany to do that? No wonder she had left him. She was a well-known Eva pilot. She was bound to be able to impress the impressionable. He sort of wished he could join her cult.

Shinji sighed and got up to start the washing up. Noticing that Shinji was starting to feel down again, Maya felt somewhat worried. All this trouble was starting to press down on her as well. She thought of leaving Tokyo 3, but the outside world didn't seem to be much better.

'I think a civil war is going to happen soon,' Shinji thought to himself. 'Will I be called on again to pilot Eva? I think that perhaps, in some strange way, I want to be a pilot again. I don't think I can stand being a powerless bystander for much longer.'

Maya snuck up behind Shinji and placed a hand on his shoulder. Shinji jumped in shock, pulling away. There was a loud crash! Shinji looked down at the dish he just dropped, smashing it. "S-sorry," he muttered in apology.

"No, it was my fault, I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that," Maya reassured Shinji. She had been trying to get close to Shinji for a while now. Each time he reacted the same way to her overtures. "Shinji, you don't need to be nervous around me."

Shinji felt himself start to blush. "Not nervous around you. Why would I be?" he replied. He went back to washing up, not saying another word. Maya sighed and went off to her room again. She wondered if she was trying to cling to him too hard.

"I want to fuck you," Shinji muttered to himself as she walked away. "I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you," he chanted under his breath. He could never be happy with friendly intimate contact, and the odd snuggle every now and then could never satisfy him anymore.

Shinji finished the washing up. He stopped the chant, feeling disgusted with himself. He swore that Maya would never find out how he felt-about his desires, about the sick fantasies that flashed through his mind. It was times like this when he wished to be alone. He was frustrated; he didn't even dare masturbate with Maya in the same apartment. It had been days since he had pleased himself.

Yet he couldn't go back to living on his own again, no matter what. It looked like he was stuck in-between many conflicting desires. "I am one fucked-up person," Shinji sighed as he reached for his SDAT player. Tonight he was going to listen to the 7th and 8th symphony for the first time. He pushed the table away into the corner and made his futon. This place was too cramped.