Part 1 Revelations
As Detective Lennie Briscoe poured himself a cup of coffee, he watched the process server stop his bathroom-bound partner, Ed Green, to ask where Anita Van Buren could be found. It wasn't terribly unusual for process servers to visit the precinct but something made him keep a close eye on him, maybe it was the fact that the process server had used her first name and not her rank. He remained in front of the coffee pot watching the interaction between the stranger and Anita. He saw her thank the man and then give the legal papers a very quick glance as though she knew what they were with out reading them thoroughly. She then heaved a deep sigh and held the offending document in her left hand and placed the fingers of her right hand on her forehead and her right thumb on the right side of her face. She looked sad and troubled.
Lennie wondered what bad, but anticipated news the legal papers contained. Maybe her lawsuit against the NYPD was coming back to haunt her again. He couldn't stand to see her look upset, so he thought maybe it would be a good idea to take her a cup of coffee. The interruption would give her a chance to talk if she wanted to. He made up the coffee the way he knew she liked it and sauntered over to her office, knocking as he entered.
As Lennie handed his attractive lady boss the cup of coffee, he said, "Here, you look like you could use this".
"Yeah, thanks," she said as she took the cup from his hand.
"So what brand of nasty did the process server bring you?" he asked.
"Preliminary papers for my divorce," Anita said softly, still looking at the papers.
Lennie didn't know what to say as he was experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions. He was simultaneously shocked and saddened for her and yet there was also a part of him that was thrilled to hear the news. Lennie had been attracted to Anita Van Buren from the moment he'd first seen her, but that was purely physical. Time had taught him to appreciate all of her, especially her mind and spirit, but he'd always kept his distance as best he could because she was "happily married", not to mention being his boss. Now it seemed there was one less roadblock between them and one that could be removed fairly easily if they so desired. Lennie shook himself a bit as the last thought went through his mind - No! The last thing any woman needed was to get romantically involved with him; he always ended up disappointing and hurting the women he cared about.
"Wow," he finally managed, "I always thought you were one of the rare breed, a happily married cop".
"Yeah, well I guess I'm a better than average actress," she said with a pained smile.
"Lennie I really appreciate your coming in to see about me, but I don't think I want to get into this here at work," she said and inwardly cursed that she was pushing Lennie away.
She'd been fascinated by the lanky, sleepy eyed detective from day one. He'd always been partnered with pretty boys, who never gave her heart one moments trouble, but Lennie could get her heart going to beat the band just by grinning that big toothy smile of his or rolling up his sleeves to reveal his muscular forearms. She wondered what he thought of her. There'd been a couple of times in her office and once on a stake out when he seemed to be flirting with her, but she wasn't sure. She knew his track record with women was pretty bad and, at least now that he was sober, he seemed to give married woman a wide berth. She wondered if her divorce would change his behavior towards her any, then realized she shouldn't be thinking these things at all because she was his supervisor.
"Sure, I understand," he started to leave and then as he touched the doorknob, he turned and added, "If you need to talk, let me know. They tell me I'm a pretty good listener".
She got up and went to the door, "Thanks Lennie".
The rest of the shift crawled by as Lennie and Anita both pondered the other and the relationship they'd like to explore but thought they probably never would.
After an afternoon of getting next to nothing done, because she was either thinking about the divorce papers or about Detective Lennie Briscoe, Anita decided to 'take the bull' by the horns so to speak and ask him to go out to dinner with her to talk about her divorce. So just before the shift was over she asked him to come in to her office.
"Did you really mean what you said about being available if I wanted to talk?" she asked a bit hesitantly.
"Definitely!" he replied almost enthusiastically.
"Well how about after work? Maybe we could find someplace to get an early supper?" she suggested.
"I know the perfect place, Tony's. It's this Italian place a few blocks from my apartment. Food's great and since we'll be getting there early we can get a booth in the back, that'll be a bit more private," he suggested.
"Ok, Tony's it is. I'll get my jacket and purse," she added.
As Lennie & Anita left her office they were so wrapped up in a discussion of how to judge a really good Italian restaurant that neither of them noticed Ed Green wave good night. He shrugged and wondered what was up, but let it go figuring he could always ask in the morning if he remembered.
At the restaurant, Angela, the owner's daughter, gave Lennie a look when he asked for one of the booths in the back, and as he realized what the young women thought, he let out a sigh.
"Problem?" Anita asked him.
"No, I just realized that that young lady probably got the wrong idea about our wanting a booth in the back," he said in a way that made it sound like he was apologizing.
"Well, maybe we should take it as a compliment," she suggested.
"Huh?" Lennie replied inarticulately.
"Well most kids her age are sure people our age are rather past it, if you know what I mean?" she said with a saucy smile.
"Yeah, unfortunately, I know exactly what you mean," he replied with a broad smile of his own.
Anita started to study the menu but ended up just taking recommendations from Lennie. They ended up ordering a real traditional multi-coursed Italian meal that Anita decided she didn't even want to think about in terms of calories or grams of carbohydrates. They talked easily through the appetizer and soup about inconsequential things, and then as they dug into the pasta dishes they ordered, they finally got around to talking about her divorce.
"I don't know why getting the papers today upset me, its not like it was a surprise or unwanted or anything," she started, sounding as though she was trying to explain her behavior herself.
"I mean Don and I have been talking about getting a divorce for about six years now, but we decided to wait until the boys we're out of school," she continued as she idly twisted strands of pasta on her fork.
"I thought your youngest, Stefan?" Lennie said the boy's name in a questioning tone and Anita nodded so he continued, "I though Stefan still had a year to go in High School?"
"Yes, but he's the one who pushed us to do this. One day he sort of unloaded on Don and me about being hypocrites and fools. Said he and Ric might not have understood what was going on six years ago when we stopped sleeping together, but over time they realized we were just sticking it out for their sake. And well, despite my warning Don not to, he brought some girlfriend of his home and Stefan was the one to find the 'evidence' so to speak," she looked a bit embarrassed at the last thing she said.
"Does Don having girlfriends upset you?" Lennie asked trying to gauge whether she was carrying a torch for her soon to be ex.
"No, the only thing that bothers me is his being indiscreet and embarrassing the boys. Believe me I've been over Don Van Buren for a long time," she added wanting to make sure she was clear about that point.
Lennie looked down at his dinner plate not sure what to say next. He was dying to ask her if she'd had boyfriends over the past six years, but it was definitely not his business. Before he could make up his mind whether to ask anyway, she volunteered the answer.
"And before you ask, no I haven't had any boyfriends over that same time frame. It's just not quite as easy for me to meet someone I both find interesting and am allowed to be with," there she'd come about as close as she could to telling him why she hadn't jumped his bones a long time ago.
"I guess I hadn't thought about that, I suppose the workplace is the most common place to meet someone, but most of the men you meet at work are under your direct supervision or you're under theirs," Lennie commented.
"Or they are definitely not someone I'd be interested in," she said alluding to the criminals brought in to the precinct. They both laughed a bit and Lennie nodded his head in agreement.
And as long as I was 'happily married', I couldn't expect most men to give me a second glance," she said. She paused for a moment and Lennie wondered if she realized that to his over active imagination the last couple of things she'd said sounded like excuses for his not being her lover for the last six years.
"So anyway like I said, its not like the divorce isn't something I want. I want it very much, but still it hit me hard when I got those papers," Anita said still bewildered by her feelings.
"Well take it from the voice of experience here, I can tell you no matter how sure you think you are that divorce is the right thing, seeing it in black and white is tough. It's like official proof you screwed up. You made promises of forever and then forever came and went. It upset you today and it will upset you again every time there's some legal document you have to sign. Final papers will probably be the worse. Least wise that was a real killer for me both times," Lennie said as he thought back to the endings of his two marriages.
"You don't very often talk about your marriages except to make some cynical but witty remark," she observed.
"Yeah, well you know what they say. If I didn't laugh I'd cry and we can't have that. It would ruin my tough guy image," Lennie again tossed off a witticism to try to stave off the pain.
"Did you know that divorce was the right thing both times?" Anita asked Lennie earnestly, it wasn't so much that she wanted insight about divorce but that she wanted to know more about this man.
Lennie didn't answer right away. Anita was asking him to open up old and well-buried wounds and he wasn't sure he wanted to unearth them, but he did want to keep talking to her and learning about her. If he were willing to bare his soul to her maybe she'd reciprocate. He just had to be willing to go first.
"In my second marriage it was a lot easier to see that divorce was the right thing. I should never have married Lorna in the first place. Don't know what I thought we had in common. About all we really had was a love for scotch and a decent sex life and even that didn't prevent me from cheating on her ever chance I got," Lennie stopped to take a drink of his trademark club soda and Anita noticed how judgmental he was about himself.
"But my first marriage, that was tougher to let go of, I knew intellectually that a divorce was the right thing for everyone involved, even for the girls really. I mean as bad as things were for them with me out of the house, it was better than living with a Dad who couldn't face their Mom without a couple of drinks," Lennie said reliving the pain.
"What made it get so bad?" Anita asked wondering how any woman could treat a sweet guy like Lennie so badly as to drive him to drink.
"You know what it was?" Lennie asked with a slight smile that seemed to say he was proud he'd finally figured it out. When Anita shook her head he continued.
"Neither of us was the person the other thought they were in love with," he answered. At Anita's puzzled look he expounded a bit further on his theory of the demise of his first marriage.
"I thought she was a woman who could be content to be a cop's wife. Gloria thought, well, she thought I had a lot of potential that I could really make something of myself, become wealthy and powerful. She never understood that even if she was right about my abilities I didn't want that. But she had this vision of what our lives were gonna be one day, so she was always pushing me. Go to college! Bring home more money! When I balked and said I wanted to just be a good cop she said well at least get ahead, get off the beat, take the detective's exam! HA!" he laughed a bit, and then continued.
"That was the one big mistake she made, because when I made detective, I finally found something I was really good at that was legal to take money from people for being good at," Lennie paused for a moment, so Anita decided to lighten the moment a bit and brazenly asked him to clarify a point.
"So are there things you're really good at that aren't legal for you to take money from people for being good at?" she asked with a smile.
"Uh, yeah, but, uh-" Lennie stammered a bit and blushed, realizing what it sounded like he was saying.
"Oh my," Anita grinned at him. "Lennie Briscoe, tough guy, is blushing, I would have never thought I'd live to see the day!" Anita teased him.
"Oh and just for that I ought to tell you in detail what I'm good at," he countered, a shy smile starting to alleviate the redness of his cheeks.
"OK, truce," she said, afraid things might get out of hand.
After fiddling with his meal a bit, Lennie picked up his train of thought
"Gloria thought my being a detective was a stepping stone on the way to something bigger and better. She just couldn't understand that it was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life," he paused again to gather his thoughts. "I tried to make her happy, as much as I could, without giving up what I was. I brought home lots of extra money by shooting stick, until my captain told me to lose the habit quick or I'd get kicked off the force for gambling. That's when I lost her, when she knew my job was more important to me than money, that's when she started cheating on me," he said with his voice getting softer.
"That really hurt you didn't it?" she asked gently.
"Yeah, you know before I met Gloria I was a lot like Mike Logan, never stuck to one girlfriend very long, dated two and three at the same time, a real Casanova. Then I met Gloria and I thought I'd really found true love for the first, last and only time. I thought it would be like some damn fairy tale. So yeah, when the Princess started sleeping around with other frogs, this Prince Charming took it real hard. She destroyed all the dreams, all the illusions. Suddenly I had a real life and it sucked," Lennie said vehemently.
After having kept all the pent up pain in side for so long and finally giving it vent, Lennie found he couldn't shut it off.
"Gloria convinced me to give us another try and pretty soon she was pregnant with Julia, so I felt I had to stay, even though I knew it had been wrong to agree to try again. Then there was this nagging suspicion that maybe the baby wasn't mine. Of course it didn't matter, I fell hopelessly in love with Julia just like I did with Cathy," he said and she could see the tears swimming in his eyes at the thought of his daughters.
"Funny thing, I wasn't around that much for Julia. I mean she was just a baby when Gloria and I divorced and so our relationship was built in little snatches, weekends and summer vacations and stuff like that. And yet Julia's always been the one of my daughters who's loving and forgiving. I was there for Cathy until she was seven. I was the one who took care of her while her Mom was out cheating with some guy and yet I swear she went to her grave hating me," Lennie quieted for a minute realizing he'd just poured out a lot more than he had meant to. Anita didn't know what to do, she wanted to ease this special man's pain and yet she couldn't begin to know where to start.
"God, I'm sorry Anita. Here I was suppose to be giving you a sympathetic ear and I've done nothing but pour out my old rehashed troubles to you," Lennie said by way of apology.
"No, no don't apologize. I don't know if I can say this the way I mean it, but I feel privileged that you opened up to me," she told him as she reached out to take his hand in hers. He grasped it and nodded not trusting his voice. Finally she decided she needed to say more, to try to pour some balm on his obviously painful wounds.
"Lennie, I know you've convinced yourself that your daughter Cathy hated you, but I seriously doubt that. I'm sure she was angry with you and blamed you for things. Things that probably weren't all your fault and things she probably couldn't fully understand. But have you considered that a lot of what you experienced from Cathy was projection?" Anita asked.
"Projection, that sounds like psychobabble to me, no offense," Lennie said his voice a bit rough with his emotions.
"Well maybe, but think about it. You said Cathy was there to really see what was happening in your home as the marriage was falling a part. I remember being told that kids that age get a lot of things twisted around. They think they were to blame for the breakup, that somehow if they'd done something different that their parents would stay together," when she saw that Lennie was hanging on her words she pressed on.
"You said we all feel bad when we see the divorce papers because we feel like we failed. Maybe Cathy felt like somehow she failed too and seeing you would just bring it all back up. " Anita felt she was ready to put the last blow in to fracture the false image Lennie had of his relationship with Cathy.
"Lennie, they say anger is fear turned sidewise. So what was Cathy so afraid of?" she asked him.
He answered softly with tears in his eyes and in his voice, "That I'd never come back, that I'd go away and forget her, most of all that I'd stop loving her. When I first moved out of the house, I'd call home each night before her bedtime to talk to her and she'd always ask me to come back and she'd ask 'Daddy don't you love me any more?' Some how I don't think I ever laid that fear to rest for her," he heaved a big sigh, he still felt the aching emptiness her death had left him, but somehow the things Anita said to him were the first words of comfort he'd really heard, really felt.
He looked at Anita, squeezed her hand that he held and then said with a stronger voice, "I still think I'm getting more out of this than you. Hey maybe you ought to give up police work and go into counseling."
Just then their waiter came up to ask if they wanted dessert and coffee. Over Anita's initial protests, Lennie ordered two coffees and a single serving of Tiramisu with two spoons. Without saying anything they silently agreed to leave alone the heavy things they'd been discussing and move back to more neutral topics.
After they had finished the meal and Lennie paid the bill, he walked Anita to her car, placing his right hand in the small of her back to guide her. They both seemed reluctant to part company and Anita leaned against her car door.
"I know we talked about some pretty heavy stuff in there, but I still managed to enjoy myself," she eventually said.
"Yeah," Lennie said suddenly feeling like a teenager hanging on, hoping to get a second date.
"I'd say I'd like to do this again but-" she trailed off.
"Yeah, " Lennie said again and felt even more like an immature idiot.
Finally he gave in, at least part way to his temptations and gathered Anita into his arms in an embrace. As he held her he whispered into her ear, "God, if only you weren't my boss."
He released her and before she could say anything more, he walked quickly off into the night.