The Boy Who Lived…Until…
Being Possibly the Wittiest Thing Ever Suggested by Claire
Harry Potter was busying himself, as usual, doing nothing in particular and moaning about it a lot. He would have been enjoying a depressing game of Wizards' chess with Ron, but Ron and Hermione had gone off, due to popular demand, to share intimate moments somewhere secluded on the other side of the lake. He might have been writing to Sirius, but Sirius had been brutally murdered by the omnipotent personage of his world - J. K. Rowling. He might even have been doing his homework, but, Hermione being otherwise engaged, he had no motivation to do any such thing. No, the great Harry Potter was most incredibly bored and made no attempt to hide this from his readers.
Euan Abercrombie, Dennis Creevey and the Weeds, as they were known in the Gryffindor common room, were approaching. They had an annoying tendency to sense whenever a person wasn't doing anything and attempt to talk to them. They particularly enjoyed harassing Harry to join in their society, especially since Harry had been taken off the waiting list for St Mungo's Psychiatric ward. Harry looked around for escape. He found none. He considered swearing but found he could not, being a character in a book aimed at children. He considered running away, but the great J. K. would not let her hero escape so easily. Harry would have to fight his battles on his own, without Ron, Hermione, or even Dumbledore to save him. The boy braced himself for the impact.
"Hey Harry! Want to come join us? We're going to play Gobstones, only with water because Bugsley's allergic to the Stinksap. Come on, it'll be fun!" This enticing invitation came from Dennis, who was wearing his school trousers far too high for comfort. This fashion statement appeared to be reflected throughout his group.
"Uh, sorry, I uh, have, er, stuff to, uh, um, do," Harry replied eloquently. He was never any good at thinking up excuses for getting out of things.
"Wanna elaborate, Scar boy?" threatened a Weed whom Harry had not noticed; this boy was very small and came from behind Euan and Dennis. Harry had never seen him before, but was slightly unnerved by the business end of a wand pointing between his eyes. He decided to answer diplomatically, as he spoke to his friends.
"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WATER GOBSTONES WITH YOU KIDS? IT'S BECAUSE I HATE YOU!! YOU SUCK!! NEVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN!! GET LOST YOU FREAKS!!"
This said, the Weeds ran away and cowered behind chairs. All but the evil one, who you, the privileged reader, may know is Bugsley. He continued to point his wand at Harry, and said, "Densaugeo." Unfortunately the curse was ill-aimed and caused Harry's canine teeth to grow rather than his front two. This made for a rather vampirish look somewhat reminiscent of Artemis Fowl, especially as the boy playing Harry Potter has such strikingly blue eyes rather than the specified green they are supposed to be. One might have hoped that his lower canine teeth had grown suddenly as well, spearing his brain and causing a slow and excruciating death. Unfortunately, this was not the case, and I must ask that you, the dear reader, do not harm yourself yet. There is much more to be read. I do realize that that statement in itself may push you over the edge, but…moving on.
Harry gave the Weed Bugsley a significant and reproachful look, stood up dramatically, slung his bag over his shoulder and cried, "I'll see you around, um, boy I don't know." He then strode out the doorway of the common room, giving the Fat Lady a very nasty look which caused her to return the compliment with a hand signal most often seen on one of the Weasley twins. He stalked to the hospital wing and was most offensive to Madam Pomfrey, who was attempting to restore him to his former beauty. No easy feat, I assure you, seeing as…well.
On his way back to the common room he ran into his two best friends who were giggling, due to popular demand. He yelled something unintelligible at them for no apparent reason, and then ran to the Room of Requirement instead of the common room. He walked past the ballet teacher picture three times, thinking 'I need a bomb. A really big bomb.' The door appeared in the wall and he went in. Inside he found many bombs, all of them set to detonate within the next twenty seconds. He did not notice this for some time. Until the first grenade exploded. Harry, missing his left ear and the lower part of his right leg, saw fit to leave at that point.
As he left, the rest of the bombs blew up, destroying most of the castle, and leaving a deep crater in the ground. Harry, remarkably and unfortunately, survived this explosion against all the odds, and even survived the ensuing fall from the seventh floor to the Ops Booth deep underground in Haven. Indeed, it was remarkable that he fell into that place at any rate, because apart from Foaly's paranoia-inspired security, Haven is generally situated underneath Ireland rather than England. Nevertheless, the inexplicable is not the point of this pointless story. Indeed, in its pointlessness, there essentially is no point…well, moving on…again…
Inside Foaly's booth, Harry found his right leg and ear, as well as Foaly himself. Foaly was devastated to find such a horrifying creature landing in his top-security booth, and was momentarily stunned. He even did not identify Harry as a Mud person for a while; seeing as the boy never really resembled one anyway, this is an excusable mistake. Neither entity did anything for some time, until Commander Root burst in, stared with a purple-y stricken look, then collapsed of probable cardiac arrest. Captain Short also looked in, but ran away soon after, having had enough of Mud boys with black hair and blue (not green) eyes to last her a very long time. Also, she didn't want to be blamed for the recent death of her Commander.
In an incredible chain of events, Harry reacted first to this intellectually challenging situation. He hopped over to Foaly, grabbed his tinfoil hat, and hopped over the fallen Commander out of the doorway, clutching his leg, although abandoning his ear.
'Wow,' he thought to himself, 'what a cool hat!' He put it on at once, simultaneously using his severed leg to clear a path through the busy streets of Haven. Although the LEP had obviously realized that he was rampaging through the city, they didn't care to confront him.
Until, that is, Foaly sent Holly after the boy to retrieve his hat. She hovered in front of him, brandishing her Neutrino, and Harry saw fit to again utilize his negotiation tactics.
"GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY YOU WEIRDO!! DON'T YOU REALISE WHO I AM?! I AM THE GREAT HARRY POTTER!! ALL WILL BOW TO ME!! ALL WILL PAY HOMAGE!! MUHAHAHA!!"
Holly was, for the first time in her life, scared. However, she in turn saw fit to use her negotiation techniques, and punched him in the nose.
"YOU BROKE MY HARRY POTTER TRADEMARK GLASSES!! DO YOU REALISE THESE ARE COPYRIGHTED?! DO YOU REALISE HOW MUCH THESE COST ME?! I HATE EVERYTHING!! I AM A STEREOTYPICAL TEENAGER!! I SUFFER FROM SELF-INFLICTED DEPRESSION AND AN OVERINFLATED EGO!! LET ME THROUGH TO WREAK HAVOC ON YOUR CIVILIZATION!!"
Holly flew away to tell Foaly that any hope of retrieving his hat would be utterly pointless and far too dangerous for what it was worth. She also stopped at her Friendly Local IGA to purchase the centaur a roll of aluminium foil in order that he can make another hat. Considerate elf that she was.
Harry hopped briskly through to one of the chutes without further incident, appearing somewhere in Ireland. He was subsequently arrested by government officials who thought that he was Artemis Fowl, and flown to America to await trial. Luckily for him, although as a terrible sadness to the rest of the world, he was released without complications as he was not there on a charge of terrorism. His identity, of course, had nothing to do with his release.
As Harry hopped through the streets of New York, still clutching his leg and wearing the stolen hat, he received very few strange looks, most things seeming normal in New York. This remained the case until he came across the mobile set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. At this point, events turned unpleasant for him, but improved drastically for the general population of the world.
"Oh my GOD will you LOOK at that!" exclaimed Carson in horror, calling the attention of the other members of the Fab Five. They all turned and gasped in dismay at the spectacle hopping along the street. As one, they ran towards Harry and proceeded to criticize every aspect of his person.
"Darl, while legs are like SO totally in as like, functional parts of the body, they are REALLY out as accessories. Now if you tried this Luis Vuitton bag, that would go SO well with your STYLE…"
"OH my GOD, WHAT were you THINKING when you got that HAT?! I sure hope you didn't pay too much for it, it is so TOTALLY UGLY!"
"Under that hat, let's see…GOD! What have you DONE to your HAIR?! I could give you some product for that, but you'd totally have to like BRUSH it first!"
"You REALLY need to MOISTURIZE! Your lifestyle is really taking its toll on your skin! I can offer you this product, darlin', it has an SPF three hundred rating, and it would do you a WORLD of good…"
"GOD I can't stand it any more. This is SACRELIGE!! Boys, are you with me? LET'S GET HIM!!"
Harry never stood a chance. One self-righteous prig against five gay men, you almost had to feel sorry for him.
Almost.
The late Professor McGonagall once said, on the night the baby Harry was attacked, that that day may one day be known as 'Harry Potter Day'. Indeed, it was, although as the years of Harry's life passed, the celebrations grew smaller and smaller. Little did the magical world know, a far greater holiday would soon be instigated by the end of the Potter line.
"No More Harry Potter Day" is now a commonly recognized holiday in the magical world. It is arguably more acknowledged than Christmas, and always more fun.
Voldemort was almost inconsolable after the Fab Five managed to do what he had never been able to. In all his attempts to redeem himself from the sins of killing innocent wizards by destroying a far greater evil than himself, he was thwarted by fashion-crazed Muggles, which took its toll on his sanity. Voldemort is possibly the only one who mourns on 'No More Harry Potter Day', although he mourns not for the lack of Potter but for his own failings in his life's purpose.