Ch 6 Assumptions
Lennie set his alarm clock to go off about a half hour earlier than usually, he wanted to make sure he had enough time in the morning for what he had in mind. He made love to Anita and then fell asleep holding her. Anita had a hard time falling asleep, though she couldn't say exactly why. She decided she'd just enjoy being close to Lennie and surely sleep would claim her soon enough.
Anita was startled awake by the alarm. "What? Oh what time is it, honey?"
"Six," Lennie answered as he began kissing Anita's face and stroking her arms.
"Why are we getting up so early?" she asked around a sleepy yawn.
"So I can start my day like this," Lennie said as he began more aggressively kissing and fondling Anita.
Anita couldn't believe it, for the first time since she'd been with Lennie, he was behaving just like a Guy! All she could think of was an old Uncle Bonsai song, 'Boys Want Sex in the Morning'. She loved how he loved her but why now, first thing in the morning, before she was even fully awake! Before long his expert manipulations of all her most sensitive areas had her almost forgetting her objections to being awakened so early. In fact, she might have said nothing, except that, as they lay entwined in each other's arms enjoying the 'afterglow', Lennie said, "Yeah, that's the way I want to start every day".
Anita gave a little laugh, "No, I don't think so," she said.
"What, why not?" Lennie asked sounding surprised and a bit disappointed.
She smiled indulgently at him. "Well, I think its one of those Mars Venus things. I'm just not keen on making love while I'm half asleep," she answered gently.
"Oh," Lennie said sounding very dejected. "Sorry," he added, sounding as though he were becoming angry. He started to get out of bed.
"Oh, Lennie come here," she said pulling him back down in bed and into her arms.
"I love you, and I love how you make love to me. I'm just a little cranky this morning because I didn't get much sleep last night, and then I had no idea what you had in mind for this morning. You know, I kind of would have liked to be clued in as to your plans," she explained.
Suddenly, Lennie realized he'd been a bit presumptuous. Just because he wanted to get up a little early in order to have time to make love to her in the morning didn't mean she wanted the same thing. He should of considered what she wanted too.
"I'm sorry, " Lennie said and this time she knew he meant it.
"Hey, who am I to complain? I'm lucky enough to have a man who wants me so much, he's willing to sacrifice sleep to make love to me!" she joked.
"And anything else too," he added and they both smiled.
"Well, we better get our day started. You take your shower and I'll make breakfast," Anita suggested.
"No, I'll make breakfast. You take your shower. It'll take you longer to get ready this morning," Lennie countered.
"What makes you say that?" she challenged.
"A) It always takes women longer to get ready because of their hair and makeup and B) you're not used to getting ready here, so its going to take you longer to find things and do things than normal," Lennie countered.
"OK, you're probably right." Anita conceded, remembering that it had taken her quite awhile to go through her morning routines yesterday.
Anita was surprised to find that Lennie actually could make a fairly decent breakfast, not that he tried anything too elaborate - coffee, juice, scrambled eggs and toast. She made a mental note to buy some, as Lennie called them, "fake eggs" at the grocery, if eggs were going to be a breakfast staple.
Somehow despite getting up early they found themselves procrastinating and then running around to try and get out the door to get to work on time.
Lennie gave Anita a lift to the subway station. As he gave her a kiss he said, "See you this evening, baby".
"I expect to see you a lot sooner than that," she said with surprise.
"Well, you won't. You'll see Detective Briscoe at work and I'll see Lieutenant Van Buren," he answered with a smile.
"Oh, yes your right about that," she said and kissed him again.
A horn honked and a driver yelled, "Hey this isn't a kiss-n-drop zone you know!"
"See you tonight, honey," she said as she headed for the subway entrance.
Lennie drove the convertible to the police garage and turned it in, saying he'd pick up his car when he was done in the property room. He turned in his flash roll discovering he'd messed up and included some of his winnings, which he had to pocket because the property clerk was adamant about having the correct count. Once he was done there he got his reliable old sedan out of the garage and drove to One Hogan Place to talk to Jack McCoy.
Jack acted like he was annoyed at Lennie for even bothering to question that he should keep the money. But Lennie was truly concerned about it, so Jack made a few phone calls and then promised Lennie he'd keep the money until he had some form of legal document that showed that it was OK for Lennie to keep it.
Lennie finally headed to the 2-7 arriving a little after 9AM. Unknown to him, details about the undercover operations had begun leaking out in the early AM hours. Agencies in Europe began using the information the NYPD had on Schmidt to match up to evidence they had in unsolved crimes. The profile that was emerging was terrifying; at this point, the serological evidence that had been forwarded to INTERPOL had tied Schmidt to half a dozen unsolved rape/murders of black women where they'd had evidence but no suspect to match it up to. Now that INTERPOL had a clue as to Schmidt's profession they were able to see a pattern of a professional murder for hire occurring immediately after a rape murder. It was obvious that there were going to be multiple requests to extradite Schmidt out of the US.
By the time Lennie entered the squad room of the 2-7, Anita had already dealt with a lot of congratulations for her part in the operation, when Lennie walked in several people in the squad room applauded and most made their way towards him to shake hands. When he got to his desk he saw messages from reporters for the Post and the Times. Lennie did not look forward to any notoriety, so he called the NYPD's PR department and let them know they could handle it all for him, he had 'no comment'.
He sat down and wrote up his report for the undercover operation. Shortly after he finished, a courier arrived from One Police Plaza to deliver something to the chief of the detective squad, that is, to Lt. Anita Van Buren. Lennie suspected the courier had brought his OIS report and the recommendation for the dispensation of the charges leveled against him by Michaels. He hailed the courier and gave him his report for Michaels, then sat down and waited for his summons to the chief's office. He didn't have to wait long.
"Detective Briscoe would you come into my office for a moment," Anita said as she stood in her office's doorway.
Lennie slowly heaved himself up from his desk. "Yes, ma'am," he replied and walked to her office.
"Close the door," she told him.
"I'm putting you on two weeks desk duty. You'll do all the squad's backed up paperwork-make sure everyone in the squad knows that and knows why you're doing the paperwork for the squad," she ordered.
"What?" Lennie started to protest.
"You have a problem with this assignment Detective?" Anita said in a sharp voice of warning that sounded nothing like the sweet purr of his lover.
"No ma'am," Lennie replied knowing he needed to behave himself.
"You will also avail yourself of all appropriate IT courses during these next two weeks," she added.
Lennie's eyebrows climbed his forehead but he didn't say anything at first, and then he finally decided he couldn't be totally straight through their encounter or people would think it strange too, so he asked, "Do you suppose they have a 'computers for dummies' class?"
"Let's hope so," Anita said with a grin.
"Dismissed, detective," she added as she tried to wipe the grin off her face.
Lennie went out and started gathering files from the rest of the squad members and explaining why he was doing it. His explanation broke down into a retelling of the undercover operation. When his colleagues tried to protest a hero being punished especially by being turned into the equivalent of the squad room's PAA, he deflected that saying Ed Green was the hero. He also admitted that he'd screwed up by acting without thinking through the possible consequences of his actions. He didn't add that he'd have done it even if he had thought it through, as that wouldn't set an appropriate example.
Ana Cordova offered to look through all the IT training courses and choose the ones that would make the most sense for Lennie. Initially he groaned but then thanked her. She managed to come up with a schedule that had him in computer classes every other day for about half a day and would actually, if he paid close attention, get him up to speed on most things he should know to be considered computer literate.
After lunch Emil Skoda called to set up a time to do the post shooting Psych evaluation. He couldn't fit Lennie in right away, but as Lennie was a veteran cop and on desk duty for a while he wasn't too concerned. The earliest appointment he had was for first thing Thursday morning. Lennie was glad Skoda would be doing the eval so he didn't have to hide anything. Not that he planned to bear his soul to Skoda, just wasn't his style.
The rest of the day dragged as Lennie slogged through one pile of paperwork after another. When Anita was asked to come up with a bit of creative disciplinary action, she sure did a good job. A slight smile quirked his lips as he thought about going home and complaining to his lover about his bitch of a boss.
As 5 o'clock approached Lennie felt sort of awkward about going home. Anita had ridden the subway in and he had driven. Some how it didn't feel very chivalrous to make his lady take the subway but how else could they keep people from realizing they were going home together. Finally he decided to go talk to her about it.
"Uhm, Anita what did you want to do about our going home?" he asked hesitantly.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, I don't know it just doesn't seem fair that I drive home and you take the subway," Lennie observed.
"Yeah well, it wouldn't be too bright for you to give me a lift to the apartment, now would it?" she answered.
"No, I guess not. Hey, what about this, let's go see how Ed's doing, I can certainly offer you a lift to the hospital without raising any suspicions," Lennie suggested.
"OK, " she smiled. "Let's go see Ed".
They visited with Ed until his Dad and sister came by. Ed was very grateful to Lennie for talking to his Dad; it had helped the father and son patch things up quite a bit. They still had some work to do to get their relationship to where they both wanted and needed it to be, but at least they'd started rebuilding and that was what was important.
They did a little shopping and then went home. They spent a quiet evening cooking dinner and then dancing, well holding each other and swaying back and forth, to some of Lennie's fabulous music selection. They again turned in fairly early and this time it was Anita who made sure the alarm would go off early but not for the same reason as Lennie had.
When the alarm sounded Anita forced herself to get up and try to find her jogging clothes and sneakers, wishing she'd thought to set them out the night before.
Lennie propped himself up on his elbow and yawned. "What are you doing?" he asked sleepily.
"I'm gonna go for a run," she replied. "Did you realize your apartment was so close to a park with a cinder running track?" she asked.
"Uh, yes I did and no your not, at least not at this hour of the morning," he said with as much authority as he could muster before 6AM.
"Excuse me," she said sounding a bit affronted.
"A woman running alone at dawn, you think that's smart?" Lennie asked.
"Lennie I need the exercise. When else am I gonna get it?" she argued.
"Alright, hang on, I'll go with you," he said as he levered himself out of bed and began trying to remember where his sweats were and trying to picture whether or not he had a pair of shoes he could run in comfortably.
He dressed as quickly as he could and then found his keys, stuffing his driver's license into his left sneaker.
"What are you doing?" Anita asked.
"What's it look like I'm doing? I'm sticking my ID in my shoe," he said. "Don't you do that when you go for a run?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she answered.
"Geesh, some cop you are. Willing to run alone at dawn with no ID on you. Do you ever listen to any safety advice?" he asked as he shook his head at her. "OK, you ready?" he asked as he finished tying his shoe.
"Just a second I want to get a bottle of water," she said as she went to the frig and grabbed two bottles of water and handed him one. He gave her a look.
"Oh yeah and I bet you jog without water, probably don't warm up, stretch or cool down either," she said, trying to get even with him.
"Who said I jog?" he replied with a grin.
After jogging a couple of miles with Anita, Lennie was grateful that he was a good 8 inches taller than her as it meant that with his longer legs he could take fewer strides, effectively jogging slower, and still keep up with her. He knew he was out of shape, but he couldn't believe how bad it was. He just hoped they didn't really need him to have his ID on him; it wouldn't do much for their attempts at having a discrete relationship if he had a heart attack while they were out jogging.
The walked back to the apartment and Anita insisted he do some stretches just as she had insisted he stretch before jogging,
"How often do you do this?" he asked, relieved to find he'd already caught his breath, maybe he wasn't as out as shape as he'd thought.
"At least three times a week, unless I go to an aerobics class instead," she answered.
"I don't think I'd feel comfortable at one of your aerobics classes but I'd be willing to jog with you every other morning," he offered, thinking it would be a pleasant way for him to get back in shape. He was a little shocked to find that that was now something he really wanted to do.
"Your on," she said with a smile, happy to think she was able to get him to do some exercise with her.
Lennie was scheduled for some computer training over at One Police Plaza, so he decided he'd take the subway with Anita, as they wouldn't be getting off at the same stop, nobody would notice.
Anita found the morning a bit distracting because when she looked out at her squad room she saw Ed and Lennie's empty desks, yet she knew they weren't out investigating a homicide. She had known for years that Lennie was her best investigator and that twice within a very short time he had turned his partner into one of her best as well. She really hoped she didn't come up with a tough case in the next couple of weeks or she might have to take to the field herself. No, she needed to trust some of her other investigators and let them step up and take up the slack.
She was relieved when the afternoon came and Lennie was back, though watching him plow through paperwork was almost painful. She could tell he was really chafing at the work but trying not to let it show. He was even trying not to take it out on the rest of the detectives, though in the middle of the afternoon he did give one of the junior detectives a lecture about how to keep accurate notes so that a report could be written up without Lennie having to interview him to figure out what the guy had done.
When work was over they stopped to see Ed again, getting the good news that Ed would be released in the morning and would be staying with his sister for a while. He would be back to work in about a week and a half, though he'd be on desk duty probably for several months. After their visit they headed home and made dinner. Just after they'd finished, the phone rang. Lennie dried his hands, he'd been helping Anita do the dishes, and picked it up. He had a pleasant conversation with Stefan for a minute or so, and then Stefan said he wanted to speak to his Mom. Lennie handed Anita the phone and eavesdropped on her side of the conversation.
"Hi Stefan, what's up?" Anita asked.
"Oh, I better call her back before she gets worried about me," Anita said.
"Well, I'm certainly not gonna lie to her," she said.
"Yeah, well your probably right about that. Anything new with you?" She asked.
"I love you too. Bye" Anita said with a laugh.
"What was that about?" Lennie asked after she hung up.
"My Mom called," she answered.
"Oh," was all Lennie said.
"Yes, and when are you gonna tell your Mom about us?" Anita asked.
"When I have to," he replied.
"What, are you ashamed of me or something?" Anita asked.
"No, but as much as I love my Mom, God bless her, she is a gossip. She'll tell my sister-in-law Barbara and Barbara will tell my nephew Ken. You know, the one who works in the SVU?" Lennie explained.
"And?" Anita prompted.
"And Ken inherited his grandmother's gossiping gene," Lennie responded.
It was Anita's turn to say "Oh".
Anita spent quite a while on the phone with her mother and then her sister, explaining about the divorce and about her living with Lennie. He felt a little insecure listening to Anita's side of the conversations. He tried to distract himself by reading a magazine. Anita never offered to have him talk to her mother or sister and he didn't think that was a good sign. As soon as she hung up the phone he wanted a report.
"So what do they think?" Lennie asked.
"Well, you have to understand both my Mom and my sister are very conservative. The concepts of divorce and living with someone are pretty foreign to them," she began.
"Oh great, they hate me," Lennie said jumping to conclusions and sounding defeated.
"No, they don't. Once they meet you, they'll adore you and for now they are reserving judgment. Both of them said that as long as I was happy that was what was important," Anita told him.
She walked over to him and grabbed two handfuls of the front of his shirt, "And I am definitely happy with you," she purred and then kissed him.
He took one of her hands in his and began leading her to the bedroom. "Let's see if I can make you a little happier," he said with a smirk.
Lennie and Anita both were beginning to feel like things were settling down for them, though they both realized it was still very early in their relationship and they really weren't doing their normal jobs yet. When Lennie got back to fieldwork maybe then they could say that things were back to a new normal.
Wednesday had passed without much excitement and Lennie was growing bored with the stacks of paper in front of him. So when his phone rang at four o'clock Lennie grabbed it before it could ring twice. "Briscoe," he answered.
"Hey, get over here and pick up your money," McCoy said jauntily.
"Really? I really get to keep it?" Lennie said, still not believing his good fortune.
"Yeah, I told you that days ago. Just pay the taxes on it. So, when can you come over and get it?" Jack asked.
"In about an hour, after my shift's over," Lennie answered.
"Oh, come on, are you telling me you can't duck out early? Claim you have a witness interview to do or something," Jack said.
"Can't do that. I'm on desk duty this week and next," Lennie said.
"Wow, what are you being punished for," Jack asked.
Lennie explained what happened after the surveillance cameras turned off. Jack laughed, saying he was surprised he hadn't heard about it from someone. He then told him it would be no problem for Lennie to come over later as he'd be working late anyway thanks to all the fallout from Lennie's undercover work. Schmidt had rolled on the Russian who had hired him and there was a domino effect going on.
Lennie was about to leave to pick up the money from Jack when he realized that Anita wouldn't have a way into the apartment because it had never dawned on him to give her the apartment key, so he went to her office taking his apartment key off of his key ring as he walked in.
"What are you doing?" Anita asked very concerned.
"I've got to go pick up my winnings over at One Hogan Place and I realized you wouldn't be able to get into the apartment without the key. I should have given you a spare, just didn't think," Lennie said.
"Yeah and not thinking now, either. Are you crazy walking in her and handing me your apartment key?" she asked animatedly.
"Calm down. If you just don't overreact nobody will notice," Lennie said putting the key on her desk.
"I'll be home as soon as I can. Don't forget that we're going over to see Garcia and Miller this evening" he added.
Anita let herself into the apartment and headed to the bedroom. She wanted to get out of her work clothes and into something more comfortable. She figured she could relax for an hour or so before she needed to get dressed again to go over to Garcia and Miller's. As she went to take off her slacks the button popped off. She swore, and then searched for it, finding it on the floor near the closet. She put the slacks and the button on the bed and continued undressing. She then started rummaging through Lennie's dresser looking for something of his that would be comfortable to wear. She settled on a very old NYPD T-shirt and a pair of his boxers.
Anita started looking for a sewing kit so she could fix the button from her pants. She had no idea where Lennie might keep a sewing kit. She knew it wasn't in the medicine cabinet; she'd been in that the first morning she'd spent here when she was looking for toothpaste. If it was in the closet she'd never find it as right now the closet was hopelessly packed with his clothes and some of hers; the floor of his closet was covered with shoes and the upper shelf held several suitcases and some shoeboxes.
She looked around and spotted the nightstand. Maybe she'd find a sewing kit in there. She opened the drawer and the first thing she saw was a box of condoms. The sight of the condoms gave her mixed feelings. At first their mere presence startled her because she had somehow convinced herself that Lennie must have had a vasectomy, otherwise he would have said something about birth control before they made love the first time. Then she rationalized that even if he had had a vasectomy he'd still be smart to have condoms on hand to protect himself from STDs.
The thought of Lennie needing to protect himself from a sexually transmitted disease gave her a twinge of jealousy. She knew Lennie had had a lot of women in and out of his life and that made her insecure. She didn't want to be just another one of Lennie's many women; she wanted to be the only woman in his life. He'd told her and shown her, in so many ways, that he loved her but she was still insecure.
Anita tried to push her insecurities aside and search further for the sewing kit, but as she picked up the condom box to look under it, she saw a package of spermicidal foam applicators. It didn't take a detective to put those clues together. Condoms alone might just be for prevention of STDs but the foam made it pretty clear. Lennie had not had a vasectomy; he depended on condoms and foam to prevent pregnancy. Then why hadn't he said something to her before they made love? The fact that he had birth control supplies on hand told her he wasn't the kind of man who assumed contraception was up to the woman. Had she said or done something that made him think she had taken care of the birth control issue? And now that she knew there was a problem, what should she do? They'd first made love on Friday night; it was now Wednesday, that was too long to expect emergency contraception to be effective. She sat on the edge of the bed lost in thought until she heard the front door open.
"Hi baby, I'm home," Lennie called out as he entered the apartment, throwing the money pouch Jack had given him onto the coffee table.
Anita wasn't sure what to do. Should she say something now? Should she be confrontational about it? No, she wouldn't assume he'd done this on purpose. She didn't realize it had taken her so long to think of what to say or do until she realized Lennie was in the bedroom.
"Baby, didn't you hear me?" Lennie said as he entered the bedroom. He saw that the nightstand drawer was open and Anita held in her hands the box of condoms he kept in there and the spermicidal foam that a past girlfriend had insisted on using in addition to a condom.
Anita finally came out of her reverie. "Lennie why haven't we been using these?" she asked simply with no hint of reproach in her voice.
Lennie was suddenly just as shocked as Anita had been earlier. He had assumed that since she hadn't said anything about contraception before they made love the first time that it was probably not an issue, that she'd either had a tubal ligation after her boys were born or was on the pill.
"I didn't realize we needed to," he said a little bit shakily. "I thought since you didn't say anything the first time we made love that birth control wasn't an issue," he added.
"Oh God, I made the same assumption," she admitted.
"Why would you do that?" Lennie asked slightly confused.
"Well, I figured since you didn't ask that you probably had had a vasectomy," Anita answered.
"I probably should have but could never convince myself to do it," Lennie admitted.
He moved her slacks aside and sat next to her on the bed and took her into his arms.
"How 'exposed' are we?" he asked hoping she'd understand what he meant.
"Fairly significantly, given where I am in my cycle," she answered shakily.
Lennie didn't know what to say. His feelings were so jumbled. Part of him wanted Anita to be pregnant with his child and another part, probably the more rational part was pointing out all the pitfalls of having a child later in life. God, if they had a child now he'd be in his mid seventies when the kid was in high school. And there were the increased risks of a child having Down Syndrome or of serious complications for the mother.
"Lennie, please say something," Anita said sounding a bit shaky.
"I'm sorry baby, I was just thinking," he replied.
"Thinking what?" she asked.
"My feelings are so mixed up. A part of me wants you to be pregnant. Wants you to have my baby. But that's just, I don't know," Lennie said, he got up from the bed, took a few steps away from her and then continued, "wishful thinking. Wishing we had met a long time ago, that we were young and had a lifetime in front of us. Wishing this was me being given a second chance to get being a father right," he said and then came back to Anita kneeling on the floor and putting his arms around her, resting his head against her belly.
"Then there's the rational part of me that says it would be irresponsible of me to father a child at my age. Who do I think I am, David Letterman?" he said with a bitter laugh.
Anita stroked his hair and caressed his shoulders.
"Lennie, I have the same feelings," she told him.
He looked up at her and then got up onto the bed again, and held her. He rocked her back and forth a bit and then turned her face up to his and kissed her gently.
"What do you want to do?" he asked softly.
"I don't know. I guess there's not much to do until we know one way or the other," she said.
"How long will that be?" he asked.
"If I'm not pregnant, my period should come in about two weeks. I can get one of those early pregnancy tests if I'm late, " she answered.
"And if you are pregnant, do you want to have the baby?" Lennie asked, feeling his heart ache for a baby they didn't even know for sure existed.
"Would you want me not to?" she asked trying to keep her voice neutral.
"I know the politically correct thing to say is that it's your decision because it's your body, but I don't know if I could stay with you if you had an abortion," Lennie answered honestly.
"I'm glad you feel that way because I could never kill an unborn child," she told him.
They held each other for a while longer, then Anita asked him to call Bobby Garcia and cancel the dinner plans. He made the call and Bobby asked if they'd had a fight. Lennie said no but that they needed to spend some time talking. Bobby said he understood and hoped they could get together another time.
They spent the evening talking about their feelings and their thoughts. They both agreed that they wanted a child and yet knew it wasn't a good idea. They even laughed about the idea of keeping their relationship secret through a pregnancy, each of them coming up with bizarre scenarios of how they would do it. They finally agreed that if she wasn't already pregnant then they needed to do something to make sure she didn't get pregnant in the future. Lennie reluctantly offered that he would get a vasectomy. He kept it to himself that he intended to wait until he was sure whether she was pregnant or not before he did so, the prospect of the operation made him uneasy.
They got ready for bed, and for the first time since they'd become a couple, they didn't make love before going to sleep but simply held each other.
In the morning Anita again got ready to go jogging.
"Hey, sleepyhead, are you going to go jogging with me or not?' she asked him as she jostled the bed.
"Oh, are you gonna go jogging?" he asked a little surprised.
"Yes, why shouldn't I?" she asked.
"Uh, no reason I guess," Lennie said as he began trying to find his jogging things too. Realizing he'd been about to make some stupid chauvinistic comment regarding her possible pregnancy, he didn't say anything else.
"You think that I shouldn't exercise just in case I might be pregnant?" Anita asked.
"Nope, " Lennie said hoping she'd let him off the hook pretty soon.
Anita sighed and decided she'd chalk his earlier question up to sleepiness and over-protectiveness.
As they jogged around the track at the neighborhood park Lennie saw a black man keeping an eye on them. The man moved towards them as they began to slow down to a walk to cool down. Lennie felt an aura of disapproval emanating from him.
"What's a matter sister, a black man not good enough for you?" the man called out derisively.
Lennie started for the guy and Anita pulled him back.
"Ignore him," she said. "This is just something all interracial couples have to deal with occasionally, don't let it bother you," she told him.
Lennie tried to shrug it off but it did bother him a bit. After his shower, while he was getting dressed for work, he asked her, "Did you mention to your Mom or sister that I'm white?"
"No. Did you mention to your daughter that I'm black?" she asked in return.
"No, it never dawned on me to tell her," he answered.
"Same here," she replied.
"Guess I'll find out how open minded my daughter is this weekend," he commented.
Lennie found he was becoming nervous realizing he was about to talk to Emil Skoda. He sort of wanted to sound Skoda out about his relationship with Anita but he was afraid to for fear it would get out. He dropped by the bank and deposited his winnings and then headed to Skoda's office.
"Good Morning Detective Briscoe," Skoda said and reached out to shake his hand, then motioned to Lennie to sit down.
"Having looked at your record I see you're familiar with this procedure," he began.
"Yeah, it's not the first time I've had to fire in the line of duty," Lennie said.
"But it is the first time you've been responsible for another human being's death. How is that sitting with you?" he asked.
"To tell you the truth, I hadn't really given it too much thought," Lennie said. "I guess to me that guy wasn't very real. He was just a walking danger. If I hadn't shot him he would have shot me or Anita. I couldn't let that happen," Lennie said.
Skoda had had a feeling Lennie wasn't going to be too shaken up over the guy he'd had to kill. Lennie just didn't have the kind of emotional makeup that would make him feel guilty in that sort of situation and he had too much else on his emotional plate at the moment. Emil realized that talking about his relationship with Anita would probably be much more beneficial than a standard officer involved shooting psychological evaluation, but he wondered if he could get Lennie to open up about it.
"So how is Anita, you two doing OK?" Skoda asked and watched the look of alarm on Lennie's face appear.
"Don't worry, I won't let anything get in the record that could expose your relationship, I'm just wondering how you're doing that's all," Emil reassured Lennie.
"We're OK," Lennie answered not sounded convincing.
"Just OK?" Emil asked, trying to get Lennie to open up.
Reluctantly Lennie opened up to Emil. He told him about their concerns about keeping things discreet while trying to give Stefan time with his Mom and he told Emil about the incident at the park that morning. Finally he opened up about the possibility of Anita being pregnant. Emil knew enough of Lennie's background to know that that had to be pushing all kinds of buttons for the guy.
"How do you feel about that?" Emil asked the classic question.
"What's the word you shrinks use? Conflicted?" Lennie answered.
"How so?" Skoda asked.
"You know you could save your voice by having some of those standard questions on cue cards," Lennie said.
"Your sense of humor is a great defense mechanism, Lennie. It tells me that we're getting close to some things that are pretty important to you," Skoda observed. "So back to the question, you said you felt conflicted about the possibility that Anita might be pregnant. How so?" Skoda pressed.
Lennie sighed and then finally started explaining his feelings; how he wanted her to be pregnant and yet knew that that wasn't really a rational thing to want. As much as Lennie was revealing, Emil knew there was a little something extra. He wondered if he should push Lennie, especially as their time was running out and he seriously doubted he could get the man to come see him for a follow up, let alone go to see a private therapist. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, he thought.
"And of course this baby could be a replacement for you daughter Cathy, couldn't it?" Emil asked wondering if Lennie would explode or implode.
"No, no, Cathy can't be replaced. She can't be. I wasn't thinking that, I wasn't." Lennie said in a broken voice.
Emil got up and knelt by Lennie. "Hey Lennie, man I'm sorry I had to push you so hard, but you got look at all your motivations for wanting this baby, because either way, whether she is or isn't pregnant, you're gonna be on an emotional roller coaster for awhile and you need to know what sort of dips and loops to expect, OK?"
Lennie drug his right hand across his eyes. "I don't know whether to thank you or bust you in the chops," he said.
"Well, if you're in a grateful mood you could thank me by talking some more about this with someone you trust, maybe your AA sponsor," Emil suggested.
"I'll think about that," Lennie said leadenly.
"What are you gonna say in the eval?" Lennie asked a bit worried.
"Well, don't worry, nothing that will sound out of place or keep you from doing the job you do so well," Emil promised.
"Why don't you go splash some water on your face before you head back to the 2-7?" He suggested and Lennie nodded.
As he left Skoda's office and found his way to a men's wash room he wished he had a computer class lined up for this morning. The thought of going back to the 2-7 when his emotions were so raw wasn't pleasant. He didn't know if he could keep his feelings off his face but he'd have to try.
When Lennie came in the squad room everyone who saw him knew something was wrong. He went to his desk and dug into the ever-dwindling stack of paperwork. People walked by him and looked into Anita's office as if to ask why she wasn't doing something for him. Finally, she knew she had to call him in or raise suspicions.
"Detective Briscoe, could I have a minute of your time," Anita asked as she stood at the entrance to her office.
"Of course," he answered and joined her in her office.
"Are you OK?" she asked gently.
"No, not really, but I can't get into it with you right now because it's not professional, it's personal," he answered trying not to give into his need to be held by Anita.
Anita had to respect what Lennie was saying, but she wanted to do something to help him make it through the rest of the day.
"Then we'll talk when we get home this evening. I wish I could do something to help now though," she said.
He looked to see if anyone was looking into her office, he didn't see anyone who seemed to be watching them, so he took a chance and reached out for her hand for a moment.
"For just a second could you be my lover and give me a smile?" he asked.
She smiled shyly at him and said, "Yes, just for a second".
He released her hand and turned to leave. "It worked, I feel a lot better," he said as turned back before opening the door.
"Thank you, lieutenant," he said for the benefit of those in the squad room as he exited her office.
He spent most of the afternoon in an IT class and he actually managed to shove the conflicting emotions aside to concentrate on conquering Microsoft Office.
They spent the evening talking about his visit with Emil Skoda and all the feelings that had been stirred up. She learned that she hadn't even seen the tip of the iceberg when it came to Lennie's pain over his daughter Cathy. He opened up about how she had been Daddy's little girl and the only reason he'd even considered trying to make a go of his first marriage after Gloria had cheated on him. To have her love for him sour was the most hurtful part of his life and to lose her, devastation he'd never really been able to cope with. He'd survived her death by burying it, pretending the wound was healed but now the prospect of having another child was unearthing the wound.
Lennie's upbringing told him 'guys don't cry', but he cried and Anita held him. When he was all cried out, she loved him tenderly and he thought his heart would break from being so full of love for her. He slept fitfully, alternately dreaming of Cathy as the little girl who adored her Daddy, Cathy as the grown woman who resented him and Anita as the mother of his baby.