Disclaimer: I disclaim. Really, I do. No joke.
Quick Question! For Guys: Boxer or briefs? For Girls: Granny, normal, or thong? I prefer normal myself.
I am currently typing this chapter in the hospital on my laptop. My mom had to go there early Tuesday morning (3:36 AM), and she has to have all this surgery and stuff. Hysterectomy? Is that how you spell it? Oh well, let's just say she almost died from blood loss.
Menopause can be a real bitch.
I don't know when I'll finish this chapter since my schedule is REALLY hectic right now, but today is Wednesday, March 3 for me. Hopefully I'll get this chapter up sometime this week.
I also can't type very fast because when I drove home to feed the dogs, my two little Yorkshire terrier females got into a fight and Daralynn bit the shi . . . uh my right index finger. I bled for like fifteen minutes.
ATTENTION! I'm raising the rating for this chapter to PG-13. It's sort of vulgar . . .hem.
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'
Mind Games
Chapter Six
Harry smirked inwardly as he followed the other professors into the Great Hall. Dinner was going to be super fun. He had big plans for Snape. Students stared at Harry as he passed by. They no doubt heard about Professor Snape's earlier "mental breakdown".
Harry was somewhat surprised to see that Remus and his "dog" were also at the dinner table. Harry smirked outwardly this time. The more the merrier. Whispers from the students erupted as he sat himself at the high table.
". . . crazy I tell you . . ."
". . . slightly disturbed and highly dangerous . . ."
". . . singing Yankee Doodle Dandy in the dungeons!"
"Yankee Doodle Dandy?"
"Never mind . . ."
". . . nutters . . . St. Mungo's . . ."
"He's finally cracked . . ."
Harry smiled a toothy grin when the food appeared. Mmm. More food is always good. Now this seemingly innocent action of smiling was met by varying degrees of shock by the professors. Dumbledore, who was known to never be surprised by anything, just blinked twice. Professor Flitwick squeaked and fell out of his chair.
He did this quite often.
Trelawny, who had started gracing them with her presence this year, started muttering about death omens while waving her fork fearfully in the direction of Snape. Professor McGonnagal stared incredulously at him while trying in vain to close her gaping mouth.
CLANK. Remus Lupin dropped his spaghetti-loaded fork in surprise, half way to his mouth. Remus was staring at Harry or rather at Snape, as if he, Snape that is, had just announced his engagement to himself, no Harry Potter.
Harry shook his head slightly as if to dispose of his confusing train of thought. Him and Snape? Where had he gotten such a disturbing thought? Harry just smiled back at Remus and gave a little wave. Dazedly, Remus waved back.
Harry tucked his napkin into his shirt, looking quite ridiculous I might add, and tucked in. He ate quickly, and many students and teachers alike stopped eating just to watch him gobble at such amazing speeds.
At this point, Harry might have even given Dudley a run for his pie, err, money. Harry finished and practically ran to the potions classroom. He had forty-five minutes before dinner was over. Just enough time to execute his most diabolical plan yet.
Harry was thankful that Transfiguration was one of his best subjects. He was also thankful that Snape kept a variety of finished potions in his office.
"God, I have a new appreciation of women," muttered Harry to himself as he walked awkwardly down the hall towards the Great Hall.
"How they managed walk in these damned heels, I will never know."
Twenty minutes later, the doors to the Great Hall opened with a bang as they bounced off either sides of the wall. Pink smoke billowed in, and one girl, a first year Hufflepuff, screamed. The adults drew their wands, and the Headmaster stood up. The occupants of the Great Hall could make out the shape of someone in the pink fog.
The sound of heels on marble floors echoed throughout the silent Hall. The pink smoke started to dissipate, and the mysterious person stood before them in all of hi-, err, her red and gold glory.
Students screamed. Students fainted. Students gaped. Students gagged. Students started laughing uncontrollably.
If anybody had been paying attention to Remus Lupin's great black dog, they would have been suspicious as to why it was rolling of the ground, making strange noises. Some might think that the dog was suffering from some kind of attack, but in reality the "dog" was indeed laughing. Fortunately, no one noticed the odd behavior of the dog.
They were far too preoccupied to notice such mundane events.
In the doorway stood Severus Snape wearing a tight yellow tub top, extremely small bordering on nonexistent red mini skirt, and white stilettos. The neon green thong straps were pulled up high on his hips, and his hair was put into pigtails with fluffy pink scrunchies. He had ruby red lipstick and way too much blue eye make-up adorning his still pale face.
What shocked most people, if indeed they could be more shocked, was that Severus Snape had gained some "extra appendages" since twenty minutes or so ago that he left.
Two in fact, on either side of his chest.
Harry smiled widely as he observed the reactions. One student was actually vomiting on his fellow housemate's shoe. Said housemate didn't notice.
Harry waved his wand and muttered a spell. Music, seemingly out of nowhere, started playing loudly. Harry stuck his wand in the side of his mini skirt and started to dance suggestively towards the high table where many gobs smacked professors sat and watched in abject horror. All the while singing to the music playing.
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
By now, Harry had reached the teacher's table. The professors watched with morbid fascination as Harry hoisted himself atop the table and commenced to wiggling his buttocks in McGonnagal's face.
McGonnagal just stared stupidly at the jiggling ass cheeks that were no more than ten inches from her face. The aforementioned part of the human anatomy had already fallen halfway out of the tiny red mini skirt, which had "I LOVE GRYFFINDOR" in large, glittering letters splashed across the back.
Harry continued to sing.
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing
I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk
I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that
Harry had stopped waggling his butt suggestively in McGonnagal's face, and had moved onto to just dancing vulgarly up and down the table. When he reached Flitwick, who was wide eyed with fear, Harry drew up all of his Gryffindor courage, and gave Flitwick a sloppy French kiss.
Harry drew back and winked at Flitwick. Flitwick just blinked dazedly and then fainted. Harry just started singing again.
I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my
'Cos I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Harry had reached the end of the table and turned to dance back down. As he turned, he flipped his hair and winked at Hagrid. Hagrid blushed.
Harry reached Dumbledore, and the music stopped abruptly. Harry stood before Dumbledore with wide eyes, then turned towards McGonnagal.
"OH MY GOD, Minnie! Look at his beard! It's like, one of those rap guy's doo rags!" said Harry in a high pitched voice. He had one hand on his hip and the other was gesturing to a rather amused Headmaster.
New music started playing. Harry commenced to dancing again while rapping.
I like big beards and I can not lie You other brothers can't deny When a man walks in with an itty bitty face And a white thing in your space You get sprung
The music, again, stopped abruptly. "Hem hem. Sorry 'bout that. I kind of got off track," said Harry sheepishly. Different music started playing.
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk
I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
And I'm too sexy for this song
As Harry finished the last lines of the song, he was giving a beyond shocked Remus a lap dance. Students were either shouting in disgust or chortling with glee.
Some were even clapping.
Harry plopped himself on Remus's lap and threw his arms around his head. Remus gulped and looked pleadingly at the other professors. They just looked right back.
"Rem, honey, I've been thinking good and hard about this, and I think we should take our relationship to the next level," said Harry. He got out of Harry's lap and kneeled. By now the whole hall was deathly silent—all students straining to here what Harry was saying.
"Remus J. Lupin, will you marry me?" asked Harry loudly. Many people gasped. Remus looked sick. Harry smiled widely, stood up, leaned over, and whispered so that only Remus could hear.
"Sorry for embarrassing you, Remus, but this prank was just to good to pass up."
Remus's eyes suddenly widened. Harry saw a dawn of realization enter his eyes.
"You're not Snape, are you? Who are you?" asked Remus tentatively.
Harry's smile widened. "I'm just your friendly Hogwart's very own mischievious spirit. Call me Joe. You know, like coffee? Give Snape my best won't you?" Harry winked and willed himself out of Snape. The familiar sickly feeling overtook him, and he was rushed from Snape's body. Harry opened his eyes to see that he was still in the Great Hall, standing directly beside Snape.
"—properties of Monkshoo—"Snape began, but stopped as he noticed he wasn't standing in front of his classroom giving a lecture. Snape looked confusedly around at all of the people staring at him. He then looked down at himself.
"WHAT THE HELL!" yelled Snape as he stumbled backwards. Harry laughed loudly at the look of pure horror dawning on Snape's face.
With an undignified squeak, Snape fled the Great Hall, but not before falling on his face because of the high stilettos. The students broke out into excited whispers. Dumbledore stood, and everyone immediately became quiet.
"I . . . well, I suggest you all go to bed now," said the Headmaster rather meekly. This greatly surprised the students. They had never before seen the Headmaster at a loss for words.
As was told, the students left for bed. Harry sighed contentedly as he floated towards the Hospital Wing.
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@`
He . . . hoped you all enjoyed that. Again, sorry about the lateness. I might not be updating for a couple of days, or I could update this weekend. We have to take my mom up to another hospital in a city an hour away from here, so I might not be able to access the internet.
Now to answer some questions! (Obviously I FINALLY got to read my reviews) (Also, I don't answer all the reviews individually, but if you want me to mention you, just tell me)
kateydidnt: Well, consider this an AU. I personally didn't find the whole "Sirius dying" thing to my liking, although I may use some of the things from OOTP in this story, like the thelesterals. Of course, I have no idea how to spell that . . . did I mention I love your story?
Ankalagon: *reads review* *bursts out into hysterical laughter* *wipes tear away* Oh that is brilliant! I will definitely do just that, but it may be a few chapters. Thanks for the review and the idea! I can't wait to use it!
Prophetess of Hearts: *sigh* Yes, I know. I like Snape too, but I've tried to write him as some poor, misunderstood shadow of a man who just needs a hug and some encouraging words, but I totally failed at that story. I was so embarrassed by that horrible story that I got a new account. It's just so much easier for me to portray him as the unlovable "bad guy".
Jaws: What about ass jiggling? Was that to your liking?
Aquarian Fire Tiger: Hmm. Interesting question. Maybe.
annie14: Don't worry, all will be explained in time.
HongMing: Did you know you are probably my most favorite author in Fan Fiction? You don't know how . . . ecstatic? Happy? There isn't an adjective to describe what I felt when I saw you had reviewed. I thank you from the deepest depths of my heart. Oh, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Well, that's all the questions for today.
NOTE! Yes, I know I was quite redundant in the first chapter about Harry being late, but I blame it on the lack of sleep.
I'll probably get some flames on this chapter, but I just couldn't help myself . . .
Please Review and tell me what you think.
Quick Question! For Guys: Boxer or briefs? For Girls: Granny, normal, or thong? I prefer normal myself.
I am currently typing this chapter in the hospital on my laptop. My mom had to go there early Tuesday morning (3:36 AM), and she has to have all this surgery and stuff. Hysterectomy? Is that how you spell it? Oh well, let's just say she almost died from blood loss.
Menopause can be a real bitch.
I don't know when I'll finish this chapter since my schedule is REALLY hectic right now, but today is Wednesday, March 3 for me. Hopefully I'll get this chapter up sometime this week.
I also can't type very fast because when I drove home to feed the dogs, my two little Yorkshire terrier females got into a fight and Daralynn bit the shi . . . uh my right index finger. I bled for like fifteen minutes.
ATTENTION! I'm raising the rating for this chapter to PG-13. It's sort of vulgar . . .hem.
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'
Mind Games
Chapter Six
Harry smirked inwardly as he followed the other professors into the Great Hall. Dinner was going to be super fun. He had big plans for Snape. Students stared at Harry as he passed by. They no doubt heard about Professor Snape's earlier "mental breakdown".
Harry was somewhat surprised to see that Remus and his "dog" were also at the dinner table. Harry smirked outwardly this time. The more the merrier. Whispers from the students erupted as he sat himself at the high table.
". . . crazy I tell you . . ."
". . . slightly disturbed and highly dangerous . . ."
". . . singing Yankee Doodle Dandy in the dungeons!"
"Yankee Doodle Dandy?"
"Never mind . . ."
". . . nutters . . . St. Mungo's . . ."
"He's finally cracked . . ."
Harry smiled a toothy grin when the food appeared. Mmm. More food is always good. Now this seemingly innocent action of smiling was met by varying degrees of shock by the professors. Dumbledore, who was known to never be surprised by anything, just blinked twice. Professor Flitwick squeaked and fell out of his chair.
He did this quite often.
Trelawny, who had started gracing them with her presence this year, started muttering about death omens while waving her fork fearfully in the direction of Snape. Professor McGonnagal stared incredulously at him while trying in vain to close her gaping mouth.
CLANK. Remus Lupin dropped his spaghetti-loaded fork in surprise, half way to his mouth. Remus was staring at Harry or rather at Snape, as if he, Snape that is, had just announced his engagement to himself, no Harry Potter.
Harry shook his head slightly as if to dispose of his confusing train of thought. Him and Snape? Where had he gotten such a disturbing thought? Harry just smiled back at Remus and gave a little wave. Dazedly, Remus waved back.
Harry tucked his napkin into his shirt, looking quite ridiculous I might add, and tucked in. He ate quickly, and many students and teachers alike stopped eating just to watch him gobble at such amazing speeds.
At this point, Harry might have even given Dudley a run for his pie, err, money. Harry finished and practically ran to the potions classroom. He had forty-five minutes before dinner was over. Just enough time to execute his most diabolical plan yet.
Harry was thankful that Transfiguration was one of his best subjects. He was also thankful that Snape kept a variety of finished potions in his office.
"God, I have a new appreciation of women," muttered Harry to himself as he walked awkwardly down the hall towards the Great Hall.
"How they managed walk in these damned heels, I will never know."
Twenty minutes later, the doors to the Great Hall opened with a bang as they bounced off either sides of the wall. Pink smoke billowed in, and one girl, a first year Hufflepuff, screamed. The adults drew their wands, and the Headmaster stood up. The occupants of the Great Hall could make out the shape of someone in the pink fog.
The sound of heels on marble floors echoed throughout the silent Hall. The pink smoke started to dissipate, and the mysterious person stood before them in all of hi-, err, her red and gold glory.
Students screamed. Students fainted. Students gaped. Students gagged. Students started laughing uncontrollably.
If anybody had been paying attention to Remus Lupin's great black dog, they would have been suspicious as to why it was rolling of the ground, making strange noises. Some might think that the dog was suffering from some kind of attack, but in reality the "dog" was indeed laughing. Fortunately, no one noticed the odd behavior of the dog.
They were far too preoccupied to notice such mundane events.
In the doorway stood Severus Snape wearing a tight yellow tub top, extremely small bordering on nonexistent red mini skirt, and white stilettos. The neon green thong straps were pulled up high on his hips, and his hair was put into pigtails with fluffy pink scrunchies. He had ruby red lipstick and way too much blue eye make-up adorning his still pale face.
What shocked most people, if indeed they could be more shocked, was that Severus Snape had gained some "extra appendages" since twenty minutes or so ago that he left.
Two in fact, on either side of his chest.
Harry smiled widely as he observed the reactions. One student was actually vomiting on his fellow housemate's shoe. Said housemate didn't notice.
Harry waved his wand and muttered a spell. Music, seemingly out of nowhere, started playing loudly. Harry stuck his wand in the side of his mini skirt and started to dance suggestively towards the high table where many gobs smacked professors sat and watched in abject horror. All the while singing to the music playing.
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
By now, Harry had reached the teacher's table. The professors watched with morbid fascination as Harry hoisted himself atop the table and commenced to wiggling his buttocks in McGonnagal's face.
McGonnagal just stared stupidly at the jiggling ass cheeks that were no more than ten inches from her face. The aforementioned part of the human anatomy had already fallen halfway out of the tiny red mini skirt, which had "I LOVE GRYFFINDOR" in large, glittering letters splashed across the back.
Harry continued to sing.
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing
I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk
I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that
Harry had stopped waggling his butt suggestively in McGonnagal's face, and had moved onto to just dancing vulgarly up and down the table. When he reached Flitwick, who was wide eyed with fear, Harry drew up all of his Gryffindor courage, and gave Flitwick a sloppy French kiss.
Harry drew back and winked at Flitwick. Flitwick just blinked dazedly and then fainted. Harry just started singing again.
I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my
'Cos I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Harry had reached the end of the table and turned to dance back down. As he turned, he flipped his hair and winked at Hagrid. Hagrid blushed.
Harry reached Dumbledore, and the music stopped abruptly. Harry stood before Dumbledore with wide eyes, then turned towards McGonnagal.
"OH MY GOD, Minnie! Look at his beard! It's like, one of those rap guy's doo rags!" said Harry in a high pitched voice. He had one hand on his hip and the other was gesturing to a rather amused Headmaster.
New music started playing. Harry commenced to dancing again while rapping.
I like big beards and I can not lie You other brothers can't deny When a man walks in with an itty bitty face And a white thing in your space You get sprung
The music, again, stopped abruptly. "Hem hem. Sorry 'bout that. I kind of got off track," said Harry sheepishly. Different music started playing.
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk
I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat
I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
And I'm too sexy for this song
As Harry finished the last lines of the song, he was giving a beyond shocked Remus a lap dance. Students were either shouting in disgust or chortling with glee.
Some were even clapping.
Harry plopped himself on Remus's lap and threw his arms around his head. Remus gulped and looked pleadingly at the other professors. They just looked right back.
"Rem, honey, I've been thinking good and hard about this, and I think we should take our relationship to the next level," said Harry. He got out of Harry's lap and kneeled. By now the whole hall was deathly silent—all students straining to here what Harry was saying.
"Remus J. Lupin, will you marry me?" asked Harry loudly. Many people gasped. Remus looked sick. Harry smiled widely, stood up, leaned over, and whispered so that only Remus could hear.
"Sorry for embarrassing you, Remus, but this prank was just to good to pass up."
Remus's eyes suddenly widened. Harry saw a dawn of realization enter his eyes.
"You're not Snape, are you? Who are you?" asked Remus tentatively.
Harry's smile widened. "I'm just your friendly Hogwart's very own mischievious spirit. Call me Joe. You know, like coffee? Give Snape my best won't you?" Harry winked and willed himself out of Snape. The familiar sickly feeling overtook him, and he was rushed from Snape's body. Harry opened his eyes to see that he was still in the Great Hall, standing directly beside Snape.
"—properties of Monkshoo—"Snape began, but stopped as he noticed he wasn't standing in front of his classroom giving a lecture. Snape looked confusedly around at all of the people staring at him. He then looked down at himself.
"WHAT THE HELL!" yelled Snape as he stumbled backwards. Harry laughed loudly at the look of pure horror dawning on Snape's face.
With an undignified squeak, Snape fled the Great Hall, but not before falling on his face because of the high stilettos. The students broke out into excited whispers. Dumbledore stood, and everyone immediately became quiet.
"I . . . well, I suggest you all go to bed now," said the Headmaster rather meekly. This greatly surprised the students. They had never before seen the Headmaster at a loss for words.
As was told, the students left for bed. Harry sighed contentedly as he floated towards the Hospital Wing.
'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@'~'@`
He . . . hoped you all enjoyed that. Again, sorry about the lateness. I might not be updating for a couple of days, or I could update this weekend. We have to take my mom up to another hospital in a city an hour away from here, so I might not be able to access the internet.
Now to answer some questions! (Obviously I FINALLY got to read my reviews) (Also, I don't answer all the reviews individually, but if you want me to mention you, just tell me)
kateydidnt: Well, consider this an AU. I personally didn't find the whole "Sirius dying" thing to my liking, although I may use some of the things from OOTP in this story, like the thelesterals. Of course, I have no idea how to spell that . . . did I mention I love your story?
Ankalagon: *reads review* *bursts out into hysterical laughter* *wipes tear away* Oh that is brilliant! I will definitely do just that, but it may be a few chapters. Thanks for the review and the idea! I can't wait to use it!
Prophetess of Hearts: *sigh* Yes, I know. I like Snape too, but I've tried to write him as some poor, misunderstood shadow of a man who just needs a hug and some encouraging words, but I totally failed at that story. I was so embarrassed by that horrible story that I got a new account. It's just so much easier for me to portray him as the unlovable "bad guy".
Jaws: What about ass jiggling? Was that to your liking?
Aquarian Fire Tiger: Hmm. Interesting question. Maybe.
annie14: Don't worry, all will be explained in time.
HongMing: Did you know you are probably my most favorite author in Fan Fiction? You don't know how . . . ecstatic? Happy? There isn't an adjective to describe what I felt when I saw you had reviewed. I thank you from the deepest depths of my heart. Oh, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Well, that's all the questions for today.
NOTE! Yes, I know I was quite redundant in the first chapter about Harry being late, but I blame it on the lack of sleep.
I'll probably get some flames on this chapter, but I just couldn't help myself . . .
Please Review and tell me what you think.