Disclaimer: I have a confession to make. I really do own Harry Potter,
and the millions of dollars I'm making by writing this FANfic. Notice the
unadulterated and most purest form of sarcasm pouring from my words.
Quick Question: What is the smallest country in the world? Me? Damned if I know, but I wouldn't mind knowing.
Questions will be answered in next chapter!
ATTENTION! This story does actually have a plot. It's just really well hidden. Although it will definitely start to show up in this chapter. Note that this is Action/Adventure AND Humor. Thought you ought to know!
The below pranks belong to whoever suggested throwing Mrs. Norris down a stair case (although I altered it a bit) and Ankalagon. Respectively.
THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO . . . . . . Icefyre Angel!, who is the most wonderfullest person in the world! And also asked to be mentioned in this chapter . . . but who cares for technicalities?
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@
Mind Games
Chapter Seven
It had been five days since the "Sexy Incident", as the students referred to it, had happened. Snape had locked himself in his rooms and had refused to come out or even teach classes until the day before. Needless to say, the students had enjoyed the free period. Now, potion's class was just as horrible as ever. If not more so.
If Snape even hears the word "yankee", "shirt", or "doo rag" he starts deducting points like it's the last five minutes before the apocalypse.
To the great dismay of the Gryffindors, and the overwhelming relief of the Slytherins, the thousand points from Gryffindor had been removed. Apparently with all of the commotion of the last couple of days, nobody had noticed the drastic increase of points in the Gryffindor hourglass until three days after the "Incident".
The mysterious spirit that had obviously possessed Snape had been quiet lately. The Headmaster had informed the student body that the little troublemaker was called Joe. Like coffee. Needless to say, the coffee consumption of the Hogwarts inhabitants greatly decreased.
Dumbledore also advised them to seek out the help of a professor if they noticed their housemates acting peculiar. Joe was dangerous and highly disturbed. At least, according to the professors.
Harry, who indeed had been keeping quiet, could be found, well not really since he was invisible, but Harry had been roaming the library in search of any clues as to how to rejoin his body.
He still didn't know if he would be able to get back in his body when he woke up. If he woke up. He wasn't having any luck though. He spent many hours searching through the dust-covered tombs of the Restricted Section, but to no avail. It seemed as if nobody had any experience with "Living But Kind of Dead Spirit Thing", as Harry had dubbed himself.
As Harry was walking down the corridor towards the library, he was greatly surprised to see Mrs. Norris. Now, usually one would not be so surprised to see the mangy creature. For seeing her was a common, though highly unwelcome, occurrence for the student body. Especially at the worst of times.
No, what surprised Harry was that Mrs. Norris was looking straight at him. It was liked the cat could see or at least sense him there. The same thing happened when he was wearing his invisibility cloak, but this time was different. He wasn't a solid being. He was an invisible, and decidedly un- solid being.
Her yellow eyes stared right into Harry's emerald green ones. Harry shuddered at her piercing gaze and looked away.
"Creepy," muttered Harry to himself.
"Meow"
Harry glared at Mrs. Norris. "Why don't you do us all a favor and jump out a window, huh?"
Harry kept walking to the library, but before he passed Mrs. Norris, something amazing happened. Mrs. Norris ran full speed and jumped out of the castle window. Harry gapped.
"HOLY FU-FLAG POLE!"
Harry rushed to the opened window and leaned out. He could see Mrs. Norris on the ground below. As they say, cats always land on their feet. Mrs. Norris was no exception. Too bad her legs broke from the impact though.
Students were crowded around the still form of Mrs. Norris, who by all appearances still seemed to be alive, or at least Harry hoped. There was no love lost between them, but Harry still didn't want to be the cause of here death.
Professor Sprout was the first adult to arrive on the scene, and carried Mrs. Norris to the Hospital wing, all the while reassuring the students.
"Don't worry dears. Just a few minor injuries. Madame Pomfrey will have her fixed in a jiff."
Harry noticed that a few students, well, the majority looked a little put out at this proclamation. Mrs. Norris was truly unpopular among the hormonal teenagers of Hogwarts. Well, it seemed that Mrs. Norris was going to be out of commission for a while, but would live to see another day. Unfortunately.
Harry stood back from the window after the commotion had died down. He was deep in thought. Was that another one of his "spirit powers"? Could he not only posses people and control their words, but also their actions? Or could he only control the actions of animals? And could Mrs. Norris really see him? Harry was going to have to do some serious experimenting. Experimenting would have to wait until later though.
Harry grinned as he headed for the Great Hall. Lunch was going to start soon.
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`
The Great Hall was a loud with the sound of children's laughter, talk, and even a few mild fights among the Houses, though nothing too serious. The professors were making idle chit chat with one another, but not really saying anything of real interest. It mainly consisted of lesson plans and the sure fire way to cure chronic arthritis with a leg locker curse.
Harry had been delighted to find out earlier that week that Sirius and Remus would be staying until he was supposedly supposed to wake up. Voldemort was keeping quite and they had some free time on their hands. Harry guessed that Sirius had gathered the "old crowd" even though Harry didn't know who they were. Well, he planned to find out.
It felt right, to Harry, that the last of the Marauders would be there to witness Harry's pranks. Harry was starting to think that that accident in Potions was worth being put in a coma.
Harry grinned as he saw that Remus had started scooting away discreetly from the irate Potion's Master. Apparently, the only chair usually unoccupied by a professor was the one on the right of Snape.
Thus, Remus being a visitor to the castle, he had to take that chair. The chair on the left side of Snape was usually where Hagrid sat at the end of the table, but after the "Sexy Snape Incident", Hagrid had opted to taking his meals in his hut.
It was just too much for the poor half-giant. He was afraid. Very afraid. He was afraid that the Potions Master might sexually assault him, even if he did have a rogue spirit possessing his body when he was winking at him and dancing around in his face and was supposedly back to normal now. Better safe than sorry though.
Harry looked around for Sirius, but didn't see him. He hadn't come across him since the "Sexy Incident". Sirius, in dog form, had fled the hall before he had been able to un-possess Snape. Harry guessed he didn't want to draw to much suspicion to himself. After all, most people would find a laughing dog suspicious. Even in the Wizarding Word.
Harry floated lazily above the Gryffindor table, catching snatches of conversation here and there. He went over to see how Ron and Hermione were doing. He had seen that they had enjoyed his little performance a couple of days ago.
Although, Ron had enjoyed it more than Hermione did. She thought it was totally inappropriate and completely vulgar. Harry had heard part of her rant when he was haunting around the Gryffindor common room. It went sort of like this:
"I can't believe the nerve of that . . . that . . . MAN! That he had the AUDACITY to do that in front of CHILDREN! I don't think our first years will EVER be the SAME! I don't think ANYBODY will ever be the same! A professor of a fine learning institute such as this should have the decency to act out his innermost fantasies in the privacy of his personal rooms. NOT in front of the ENTIRE SCHOOL! That was the most VULGAR display I have EVER witnessed in my LIFE! And I've watched late night HBO!"
Here she stopped and mumbled something incoherent while turning an interesting shade of red. Harry had quickly left after that. So had Ron, but for a different reason. Ron had just wanted to go to bed.
Ron and Hermione were now discussing classes. Well, Hermione was discussing them. Ron was stuffing his face. Harry looked over to the Slytherin table, more specifically at Malfoy since he had a small crowd surrounding him.
Said ferret had a smug grin on his face as he, no doubt, boasted about his family's money and how great his father was. It was pathetic really. When was the guy ever going to get a life?
Still, the Slytherins around him, minus Crabbe and Goyle since they were to dense to know what was going on, were listening in rapt attention, something they never usually did if Malfoy was boasting about the same old thing.
Curiosity peaked, Harry floated over to the Slytherin table to hear what Malfoy was saying.
". . . so I slipped an ounce of powdered shrivelfiggs into Potter's potion. That fool didn't even notice. Then it explodes right in Potty's face! I single handedly caused the Boy-Who-Lived to fall into a coma. Worship me."
"Oh Draco! You're my hero!" said Pansy Parkinson. The group of Slytherins commenced to shower the little rodent with praise. The little brown nosers. It made Harry physically sick, so he floated back over to the Gryffindor table.
'So that's what happened,' mused Harry, 'Malfoy sabotaged my potion, potion goes BOOM, I land in a coma, turn into a spirit thing, and here I am. Damn.'
Harry was getting angry. And with good reason too. How dare that little ferret do something like that to him! He could have been killed! Harry resolved that he would pay Malfoy back, tenfold, but right now he needed to experiment. Oh, and the Headmaster standing up! Is he going to make a speech?
'Well,' though Harry with a truly evil smirk, 'He is now.'
"Good afternoon students. Before I dismiss you all to your classes, I would like to say a few word." Harry willed his own words to come from Dumbledore's mouth, and sure enough, Harry heard what he wanted to hear.
"I have discovered over the years that a woman has quite a few erogenous zones. Attention to a majority of them is detrimental to her pleasure and the most important of them all, located between her hips, provides a feel of heaven to us mortals. The Quidditch game between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw has been delayed until next week because of the terrible weather." Dumbledore sat back down. The entire Hall gapped at him with wide eyes.
Dumbledore frowned. He had not heard any exclamations of anger at his announcement, as was usually when a Quidditch match was delayed. In fact, the student body and faculty regarded him as if he had just uttered a most foul curse word. He looked over to Minerva.
"Is there something on my beard? Whatever is the matter with everyone?" asked Dumbledore with amusement clearly twinkling in his icy blue eyes.
McGonnagal just stared, and then did something that quite surprised the old Headmaster as well as the rest of the school.
SLAP. McGonnagal left the hall in a raging huff and a very confused Dumbledore was left nursing an angry red had print on his face.
`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`
Harry sighed contentedly as he floated down the corridor to the library. The look on the Headmaster's face was priceless when McGonnagal slapped him. But now he had to get back to work. He needed to continue with his research and come up with a way to totally and completely humiliate Malfoy.
As he was floating along, he saw Sir Nicholas come through a nearby wall. He was about to offer a greeting, but then stopped himself. He was invisible, so it wasn't like he would get a reply. Nobody could see him, and he was starting to get lonely. He missed his friends.
As he continued to float by the ghost, a voice shook him out of depressing thoughts. And thoroughly scared the crap out of him.
"Hello, Harry! Terrible weather we're having aren't we? Why, I don't believe I've seen this much rain since the spring of 1823."
Harry stared at Sir Nicholas.
The aforementioned ghost just regarded him with concern. "Are you alright, Harry?"
Harry numbly nodded, then found his voice. "You can see me?"
"Of course I can see you Harry. Are you sure you're feeling alright?" asked Sir Nicholas. Harry grinned. He wasn't alone.
"Sir Nicholas! Maybe you can help me. You see, I was in an accident in Potion's, and I'm in a coma, but I woke up and no one could see me or hear me! It's like I'm a ghost, but I'm still alive. Do you know how I can get back to my body?" asked Harry urgently.
Sir Nicholas regarded him in surprise, which quickly turned into deep regret and sorrow.
"I have heard of this. It's been over four hundred years since something like this has happened. What you are now is called a Living Spirit. Your soul, essence, spirit, or whatever you would like to call it has been ripped from your body. If the Living Spirit does not rejoin its body within a month, the body will die and the spirit will be condemned to wander the earth for all eternity."
Harry was stunned. He could die? Wander the earth for all eternity? It sounded rather clichéd, like in one of Dudley's stupid TV shows, but it was real. He could be condemned to a life, or well afterlife of isolation.
No Heaven.
No Hell.
Alone.
Forever.
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`
Ok, the whole "Harry's gonna die" was all pretty dramatic if you ask me, but this story just has to have a plot! It can't just be a bunch of random pranks and then he wakes up! THE END!!! Well, this is going to be a bunch of random pranks AND a story with a plot!
NOTE! If you want your very own chapter dedicated to YOU, then all you have to do is ask. Come with one free compliment.
NOTE! Suggestions on how to get back at Draco are appreciated! As are other prank ideas.
Thank you all who inquired about my mother. She's doing much better!
Please Review and tell me what you think. Thanks, Siripiritus
Quick Question: What is the smallest country in the world? Me? Damned if I know, but I wouldn't mind knowing.
Questions will be answered in next chapter!
ATTENTION! This story does actually have a plot. It's just really well hidden. Although it will definitely start to show up in this chapter. Note that this is Action/Adventure AND Humor. Thought you ought to know!
The below pranks belong to whoever suggested throwing Mrs. Norris down a stair case (although I altered it a bit) and Ankalagon. Respectively.
THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO . . . . . . Icefyre Angel!, who is the most wonderfullest person in the world! And also asked to be mentioned in this chapter . . . but who cares for technicalities?
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@
Mind Games
Chapter Seven
It had been five days since the "Sexy Incident", as the students referred to it, had happened. Snape had locked himself in his rooms and had refused to come out or even teach classes until the day before. Needless to say, the students had enjoyed the free period. Now, potion's class was just as horrible as ever. If not more so.
If Snape even hears the word "yankee", "shirt", or "doo rag" he starts deducting points like it's the last five minutes before the apocalypse.
To the great dismay of the Gryffindors, and the overwhelming relief of the Slytherins, the thousand points from Gryffindor had been removed. Apparently with all of the commotion of the last couple of days, nobody had noticed the drastic increase of points in the Gryffindor hourglass until three days after the "Incident".
The mysterious spirit that had obviously possessed Snape had been quiet lately. The Headmaster had informed the student body that the little troublemaker was called Joe. Like coffee. Needless to say, the coffee consumption of the Hogwarts inhabitants greatly decreased.
Dumbledore also advised them to seek out the help of a professor if they noticed their housemates acting peculiar. Joe was dangerous and highly disturbed. At least, according to the professors.
Harry, who indeed had been keeping quiet, could be found, well not really since he was invisible, but Harry had been roaming the library in search of any clues as to how to rejoin his body.
He still didn't know if he would be able to get back in his body when he woke up. If he woke up. He wasn't having any luck though. He spent many hours searching through the dust-covered tombs of the Restricted Section, but to no avail. It seemed as if nobody had any experience with "Living But Kind of Dead Spirit Thing", as Harry had dubbed himself.
As Harry was walking down the corridor towards the library, he was greatly surprised to see Mrs. Norris. Now, usually one would not be so surprised to see the mangy creature. For seeing her was a common, though highly unwelcome, occurrence for the student body. Especially at the worst of times.
No, what surprised Harry was that Mrs. Norris was looking straight at him. It was liked the cat could see or at least sense him there. The same thing happened when he was wearing his invisibility cloak, but this time was different. He wasn't a solid being. He was an invisible, and decidedly un- solid being.
Her yellow eyes stared right into Harry's emerald green ones. Harry shuddered at her piercing gaze and looked away.
"Creepy," muttered Harry to himself.
"Meow"
Harry glared at Mrs. Norris. "Why don't you do us all a favor and jump out a window, huh?"
Harry kept walking to the library, but before he passed Mrs. Norris, something amazing happened. Mrs. Norris ran full speed and jumped out of the castle window. Harry gapped.
"HOLY FU-FLAG POLE!"
Harry rushed to the opened window and leaned out. He could see Mrs. Norris on the ground below. As they say, cats always land on their feet. Mrs. Norris was no exception. Too bad her legs broke from the impact though.
Students were crowded around the still form of Mrs. Norris, who by all appearances still seemed to be alive, or at least Harry hoped. There was no love lost between them, but Harry still didn't want to be the cause of here death.
Professor Sprout was the first adult to arrive on the scene, and carried Mrs. Norris to the Hospital wing, all the while reassuring the students.
"Don't worry dears. Just a few minor injuries. Madame Pomfrey will have her fixed in a jiff."
Harry noticed that a few students, well, the majority looked a little put out at this proclamation. Mrs. Norris was truly unpopular among the hormonal teenagers of Hogwarts. Well, it seemed that Mrs. Norris was going to be out of commission for a while, but would live to see another day. Unfortunately.
Harry stood back from the window after the commotion had died down. He was deep in thought. Was that another one of his "spirit powers"? Could he not only posses people and control their words, but also their actions? Or could he only control the actions of animals? And could Mrs. Norris really see him? Harry was going to have to do some serious experimenting. Experimenting would have to wait until later though.
Harry grinned as he headed for the Great Hall. Lunch was going to start soon.
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`
The Great Hall was a loud with the sound of children's laughter, talk, and even a few mild fights among the Houses, though nothing too serious. The professors were making idle chit chat with one another, but not really saying anything of real interest. It mainly consisted of lesson plans and the sure fire way to cure chronic arthritis with a leg locker curse.
Harry had been delighted to find out earlier that week that Sirius and Remus would be staying until he was supposedly supposed to wake up. Voldemort was keeping quite and they had some free time on their hands. Harry guessed that Sirius had gathered the "old crowd" even though Harry didn't know who they were. Well, he planned to find out.
It felt right, to Harry, that the last of the Marauders would be there to witness Harry's pranks. Harry was starting to think that that accident in Potions was worth being put in a coma.
Harry grinned as he saw that Remus had started scooting away discreetly from the irate Potion's Master. Apparently, the only chair usually unoccupied by a professor was the one on the right of Snape.
Thus, Remus being a visitor to the castle, he had to take that chair. The chair on the left side of Snape was usually where Hagrid sat at the end of the table, but after the "Sexy Snape Incident", Hagrid had opted to taking his meals in his hut.
It was just too much for the poor half-giant. He was afraid. Very afraid. He was afraid that the Potions Master might sexually assault him, even if he did have a rogue spirit possessing his body when he was winking at him and dancing around in his face and was supposedly back to normal now. Better safe than sorry though.
Harry looked around for Sirius, but didn't see him. He hadn't come across him since the "Sexy Incident". Sirius, in dog form, had fled the hall before he had been able to un-possess Snape. Harry guessed he didn't want to draw to much suspicion to himself. After all, most people would find a laughing dog suspicious. Even in the Wizarding Word.
Harry floated lazily above the Gryffindor table, catching snatches of conversation here and there. He went over to see how Ron and Hermione were doing. He had seen that they had enjoyed his little performance a couple of days ago.
Although, Ron had enjoyed it more than Hermione did. She thought it was totally inappropriate and completely vulgar. Harry had heard part of her rant when he was haunting around the Gryffindor common room. It went sort of like this:
"I can't believe the nerve of that . . . that . . . MAN! That he had the AUDACITY to do that in front of CHILDREN! I don't think our first years will EVER be the SAME! I don't think ANYBODY will ever be the same! A professor of a fine learning institute such as this should have the decency to act out his innermost fantasies in the privacy of his personal rooms. NOT in front of the ENTIRE SCHOOL! That was the most VULGAR display I have EVER witnessed in my LIFE! And I've watched late night HBO!"
Here she stopped and mumbled something incoherent while turning an interesting shade of red. Harry had quickly left after that. So had Ron, but for a different reason. Ron had just wanted to go to bed.
Ron and Hermione were now discussing classes. Well, Hermione was discussing them. Ron was stuffing his face. Harry looked over to the Slytherin table, more specifically at Malfoy since he had a small crowd surrounding him.
Said ferret had a smug grin on his face as he, no doubt, boasted about his family's money and how great his father was. It was pathetic really. When was the guy ever going to get a life?
Still, the Slytherins around him, minus Crabbe and Goyle since they were to dense to know what was going on, were listening in rapt attention, something they never usually did if Malfoy was boasting about the same old thing.
Curiosity peaked, Harry floated over to the Slytherin table to hear what Malfoy was saying.
". . . so I slipped an ounce of powdered shrivelfiggs into Potter's potion. That fool didn't even notice. Then it explodes right in Potty's face! I single handedly caused the Boy-Who-Lived to fall into a coma. Worship me."
"Oh Draco! You're my hero!" said Pansy Parkinson. The group of Slytherins commenced to shower the little rodent with praise. The little brown nosers. It made Harry physically sick, so he floated back over to the Gryffindor table.
'So that's what happened,' mused Harry, 'Malfoy sabotaged my potion, potion goes BOOM, I land in a coma, turn into a spirit thing, and here I am. Damn.'
Harry was getting angry. And with good reason too. How dare that little ferret do something like that to him! He could have been killed! Harry resolved that he would pay Malfoy back, tenfold, but right now he needed to experiment. Oh, and the Headmaster standing up! Is he going to make a speech?
'Well,' though Harry with a truly evil smirk, 'He is now.'
"Good afternoon students. Before I dismiss you all to your classes, I would like to say a few word." Harry willed his own words to come from Dumbledore's mouth, and sure enough, Harry heard what he wanted to hear.
"I have discovered over the years that a woman has quite a few erogenous zones. Attention to a majority of them is detrimental to her pleasure and the most important of them all, located between her hips, provides a feel of heaven to us mortals. The Quidditch game between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw has been delayed until next week because of the terrible weather." Dumbledore sat back down. The entire Hall gapped at him with wide eyes.
Dumbledore frowned. He had not heard any exclamations of anger at his announcement, as was usually when a Quidditch match was delayed. In fact, the student body and faculty regarded him as if he had just uttered a most foul curse word. He looked over to Minerva.
"Is there something on my beard? Whatever is the matter with everyone?" asked Dumbledore with amusement clearly twinkling in his icy blue eyes.
McGonnagal just stared, and then did something that quite surprised the old Headmaster as well as the rest of the school.
SLAP. McGonnagal left the hall in a raging huff and a very confused Dumbledore was left nursing an angry red had print on his face.
`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`
Harry sighed contentedly as he floated down the corridor to the library. The look on the Headmaster's face was priceless when McGonnagal slapped him. But now he had to get back to work. He needed to continue with his research and come up with a way to totally and completely humiliate Malfoy.
As he was floating along, he saw Sir Nicholas come through a nearby wall. He was about to offer a greeting, but then stopped himself. He was invisible, so it wasn't like he would get a reply. Nobody could see him, and he was starting to get lonely. He missed his friends.
As he continued to float by the ghost, a voice shook him out of depressing thoughts. And thoroughly scared the crap out of him.
"Hello, Harry! Terrible weather we're having aren't we? Why, I don't believe I've seen this much rain since the spring of 1823."
Harry stared at Sir Nicholas.
The aforementioned ghost just regarded him with concern. "Are you alright, Harry?"
Harry numbly nodded, then found his voice. "You can see me?"
"Of course I can see you Harry. Are you sure you're feeling alright?" asked Sir Nicholas. Harry grinned. He wasn't alone.
"Sir Nicholas! Maybe you can help me. You see, I was in an accident in Potion's, and I'm in a coma, but I woke up and no one could see me or hear me! It's like I'm a ghost, but I'm still alive. Do you know how I can get back to my body?" asked Harry urgently.
Sir Nicholas regarded him in surprise, which quickly turned into deep regret and sorrow.
"I have heard of this. It's been over four hundred years since something like this has happened. What you are now is called a Living Spirit. Your soul, essence, spirit, or whatever you would like to call it has been ripped from your body. If the Living Spirit does not rejoin its body within a month, the body will die and the spirit will be condemned to wander the earth for all eternity."
Harry was stunned. He could die? Wander the earth for all eternity? It sounded rather clichéd, like in one of Dudley's stupid TV shows, but it was real. He could be condemned to a life, or well afterlife of isolation.
No Heaven.
No Hell.
Alone.
Forever.
`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`~`@`
Ok, the whole "Harry's gonna die" was all pretty dramatic if you ask me, but this story just has to have a plot! It can't just be a bunch of random pranks and then he wakes up! THE END!!! Well, this is going to be a bunch of random pranks AND a story with a plot!
NOTE! If you want your very own chapter dedicated to YOU, then all you have to do is ask. Come with one free compliment.
NOTE! Suggestions on how to get back at Draco are appreciated! As are other prank ideas.
Thank you all who inquired about my mother. She's doing much better!
Please Review and tell me what you think. Thanks, Siripiritus