Chapter Nine –Demons
The next morning Mark awoke to find Susan still lying peacefully in his arms. Not wanting to disturb her, he slid his arm out slowly from underneath her and quietly climbed out of bed. He went into the bathroom, ran the cold tap and splashed his face with water.
'What are you thinking?' he asked himself.
He looked at his watch, which read 6.30am. Needing to clear his head, he left Susan a note and went for a run. Although it was early it was already hot. There was no cool breeze, only a humidity that hit you as soon as you stepped outside. As soon as Mark started to run the sweat began to fall from his forehead and his t-shirt became soaked.
All the time he was running his thoughts drifted between Susan and Elizabeth. He felt confused.
He had loved Susan once, more than he had ever loved anyone else, but she had left, breaking his heart in the process. Now she was back and they had fallen back into the ways of their friendship, joking and laughing together. By coincidence, or fate, they had worked so many shifts together recently that Mark had seen Susan more than Elizabeth, and it felt the same as it used to – but did that mean he was in love with her again? Was it possible for them to have a platonic friendship?
And then there was Elizabeth. Their friendship had gradually grown into something more and Mark loved her. But was he in love with her? This he wasn't sure of. Their relationship was more about companionship. Mark had been lonely after watching Rachel, then Susan, then Doug, and then Carol leave. And after her fling with Peter, Elizabeth had found herself in a foreign country with very few people she could class as friends. They had fallen into being together. Yet at his lowest point, when Mark was diagnosed with what most people believed to be an inoperable brain tumour, it had been Elizabeth who had fought to find someone who would be willing to attempt surgery. If she hadn't, Mark knew he wouldn't be here now. And now she was expecting his child. But did that mean they had to live a lie?
After nearly an hour Mark gave up and made his way back to the hotel, his thoughts no clearer. Susan was stood at the bathroom mirror tying her hair back.
"Hey," she said, feeling embarrassed. "Good run?"
"Hot," Mark answered, short of breath.
He stood at the bathroom door, panting. Susan looked at him expectantly. She raised her eyebrows as he stood looking at her, trying to catch his breath.
"Um, I need a shower," Mark said when he realised Susan was waiting for him to say something.
"Oh, sorry," Susan said, walking out of the bathroom. As she did, she brushed against Mark's arm. The electricity this action generated through them was intense, although neither of them realised the effect it had had on the other. Trying to avoid it, Mark disappeared into the bedroom and Susan finished getting ready.
That morning, Mark and Susan had to sit through a two hour seminar on modern management. It was the most boring thing either of them had ever sat through. Tired after his run, Mark's head kept dropping as he fell asleep and Susan had to keep poking his ribs to wake him up again. This made them both dissolve into giggles every time, much to the annoyance of a very stuck up lady in front of them who kept turning around to give them dirty looks.
At lunch, Mark found himself swept from conversation to conversation while Susan hung back. Every now and again, he would catch her eye and she would pull a stupid face at him, trying to break his concentration and make him laugh. She moved around the hall, looking at the various displays, when a voice interrupted her.
"Susan?"
Susan turned around to see a man stood behind her, aged in his fifties with a head of white hair.
"Neil," Susan said, flustered by seeing someone she knew. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, thank you," he replied. "How are you? You left Phoenix so quickly, we didn't know what had happened to you."
Susan looked behind his shoulder to see the back of Mark's head, conscious that he was in earshot.
"Oh, um, I'm fine. I moved back to Chicago. I was homesick, I guess. How's work?" Susan asked, attempting to change the subject.
"Oh, the same as always," Neil said. "So how have you been? I see your sister around sometimes – Chloe, right? She doesn't say much when I ask after you."
"I've been good," Susan lied. She could feel her heart start to beat faster.
"Really? Because we've all be worried about you, after…"
"Really, I'm fine," Susan interrupted. "I'm sorry, I've got to go."
Susan stumbled across the hall and out of the door as fast as her legs could carry her. Her chest felt tight and she struggled to breathe. She made her way outside, desperate for fresh air. She sat down on the front steps, taking deep, slow breaths. She heard the sound of feet behind her.
"Susan? Are you ok?" It was Mark.
Susan shook her head. "I need to get out of here," she said.
Mark took Susan's hand in his and guided her down the steps towards the taxi rank outside. Mark opened the door and let Susan get in first, missing her tell the driver their destination. They were silent for the whole journey, but Mark continued to hold Susan's hand.
When the taxi eventually pulled up, Mark paid the fare and climbed out of the taxi to find himself at a cemetery. He looked at Susan, shocked. Susan looked up at him, the tears already starting to form, and their eyes locked for a second before Susan turned around and walked into the cemetery. Mark followed her through the mass of graves until they reached a small plot of land. Mark stood back as Susan knelt down next to the headstone, which read,
Emily Jennifer Dixon Born and died 15 March 2001"Who was she?" Mark asked. He had already guessed the answer.
"She was my baby," Susan said in barely a whisper. She lifted her hand to touch the headstone and spoke softly to the grave.
"Hi, baby. I'm sorry I haven't come to see you, I had to go away. But just because I haven't been around doesn't mean I haven't thought about you. Because I think about you everyday. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I miss you so much. My beautiful baby girl. I miss having you in my arms. I miss watching you learn to walk and talk. I miss watching you grow up. I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry I could protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you."
Susan broke down, crying, again. This time she was inconsolable. Mark came and sat down next to her, and she fell into his body. As the tears fell, Mark rubbed her back and stroked her hair, trying to soothe her. He didn't say anything. He knew that there were no words that he could say that would make her feel any better at this moment.
When Susan was eventually calm, she continued to lie in Mark's arms. He wanted to ask her what had happened, and why she had kept it a secret for so long, but he refused to let his curiosity get the better of him. Instead, he just held her and waited for her to tell him in her own time.
Susan lay in Mark's arms, her eyes shut. It hurt her to see the grave, it made it all so real. Her head moved against Mark's chest as he breathed in and out. She wanted to explain it all to him, she felt ready to talk about, but she was scared her voice wouldn't would fail her.
They sat there in silence. The only sound that could be heard was the rustling of the tree branches in the wind. Finally, Susan broke the silence.
"I'm sorry I dragged you into this," she said.
"I'm glad I'm here," Mark said.
"I guess I owe you an explanation," Susan said.
"Only if you're ready."
Susan took a deep breath before telling her story. "You know, when I found out I was pregnant, I don't think I've ever been so happy. It was the best Christmas present I could've asked for. Dix – he was her father, Charlie Dixon – he asked me to marry him on Christmas Day. He stumbled over the words and he didn't even have a ring," Susan smiled at the memory.
"You were pregnant when you came to New York," Mark said. "That's why you called after Christmas, to tell me."
"Yeah."
Mark couldn't believe that so much had happened that he had no clue about. Had he been so self-centred recently that he had failed to notice something like this?
"Go on," he urged Susan to continue.
"It was all going really well," Susan paused, the memories so painful. "Then, I was at work one day – the fifteenth of March – it was just a normal day. And this boy came in, he was only twelve, he, uh, he'd got hit by a car on his way home from school. He was a mess, too much internal bleeding and we couldn't save him. I couldn't save him. So I, uh, went outside to find his parents and his father was stood in the waiting area. I tried to get him to go to a private room but he just stood there and he kept saying, 'just tell me where my boy is'. So I told him, I gave him the usual speech, you know, 'we used all of our capabilities but we couldn't save him and he died'. He just looked at me. I thought he wasn't going to react at all, and then he just went mad. He started screaming, and he came towards me and I couldn't do anything. I remember he pushed me against the desk and, God, it hurt so much. I fell on the floor and he kicked me over and over again."
A tear fell down Susan's cheek.
"I went into premature labour and they couldn't stop it. I was only nineteen weeks. She was born alive; she was a fighter, my little girl," Susan smiled slightly. "She only lived for seven minutes."
"I'm so sorry," Mark said. He didn't know what else to say. "I wish you'd told me before."
Susan sighed. "I wanted to. More than anyone, I wanted to tell you. But you were sick, and then you were having such a hard time at work. And when it happened, I didn't really talk to anybody. I thought leaving Phoenix would make it easier, but it still hurts. It hurts so much, I can't make it stop. I want it to stop."
Mark tightened his arms around Susan as she started to cry again. "I'm here. I'll help you now," he whispered in her ear.
Later, as the sun began to set, Mark left Susan alone to say goodbye. As he stood watching her talk to the grave, he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. He felt like he had failed her. She had flown to New York to be with him when he was sick, but when she had needed him the most he had been too wrapped up in himself to notice that something was going on. When Susan had finished saying goodbye, they got back into a taxi. Mark took Susan's hand again, not knowing what else to do. The taxi took them to Chloe's house. They had just got out the taxi when the front door opened and a face appeared.
"Aunt Susie!"
Susan smiled. It was the first real smile Mark had seen on her face since she had come back to Chicago.
"Hey little one," Susan said as Little Susie ran towards her and into her outstretched arms. As Mark watched, another face appeared at the door.
"Susan?"
Mark was amazed. Susan had been right, he hardly recognised Chloe. It was the same face and the same straggly hair, but she now had a calmness and seriousness about her. Chloe hugged Susan tightly, almost motherly. It was the first time Mark had ever seen her act as the big sister.
Little Susie was stood by, her head tilted, looking at Mark. When Chloe released Susan from her embrace, she turned to Mark.
"Mark?"
Mark smiled. "Hi, Chloe," he said. He pretended not to see the quizzical look Chloe gave Susan, who frowned back at her.
"Susie, do you remember Mark? You met him at Carol and Doug's," Susan said, taking the little girl's hand.
Little Susie nodded. She stepped forward and held out her hand.
"Hello," she said.
Mark stretched out his hand to shake Susie's, but before he could take her hand she pulled it back and, with her thumb on her nose, her palm outstretched and her fingers wiggling, she stuck out her tongue, before dissolving into a fit of giggles. Mark laughed, grabbed her and started tickling her. Little Susie struggled out of his grasp and started to run away. Mark chased after her, leaving Susan and Chloe laughing at them. They wandered back into the house and into the kitchen.
"You should have told me you were coming," Chloe said. Her voice was filled with concern.
"It was a last minute thing," Susan said. "Mark was coming to Phoenix for a conference, and I figured it was about time I…"
"…stopped running away?" Chloe finished her sentence.
Susan smiled. "It's a family trait, I guess," she said, before getting serious. "I've been to cemetery to see Emily."
"How was it?" Chloe asked as she poured water into the kettle.
"Hard," Susan replied. "Oh, Chloe, these past few months have been so…I don't know."
Susan sighed and closed her eyes. She was exhausted, both physically and mentally.
"Suse?" Chloe said, touching Susan's arm with her hand.
"I'm just so tired, Chloe," Susan said.
"We've been worried about you," Chloe said. "I've been worried about you."
"I know, I'm sorry," Susan apologised. "I just couldn't stay."
"I know. How long are you in town for?" Chloe asked.
"We're due to fly back tomorrow," Susan answered.
"You could stay longer, you know," Chloe said. "Take some time off work, spend some time with me and Little Susie…go see Dix."
Susan looked up at Chloe. "I don't know about that. We didn't exactly part on good terms. I wasn't very fair on him."
"You've got a lot to talk about," Chloe said. "At least think about it."
"I'll think about it," Susan promised.
They were distracted by Little Susie's screams outside. Chloe looked at Susan.
"So, Mark went with you to the graveyard?"
"Yeah," Susan said. "Hey, Chloe, can I crash here tonight?"
"Sure. I don't know why you didn't stay last night," Chloe answered.
"It was late. And I was trying to avoid talking about it last night," Susan said.
"Well, you're more than welcome to stay here, you know that. For however long," Chloe said.
"Thanks. I don't think Mark will miss me stealing the covers again," Susan joked.
"You shared a bed?" Chloe said, surprised.
"It wasn't like that. He was supposed to be coming with Elizabeth but she pulled out. They didn't have any spare rooms and it was too late to find another hotel."
Chloe watched Susan as she stared out the window at Mark and Little Susie playing in the back yard. She hadn't taken her eyes off them for their whole conversation.
"You two are still close then, huh?"
"Don't go there, Chloe," Susan said, knowing exactly what she was implying.
"What? It was just a question," Chloe said, with a smile. "Hey, I remember how much you moped when you first moved to Phoenix."
"I wasn't moping," Susan argued.
"You were moping!" Chloe laughed. "I was tempted to put you on a train and send you back to Chicago!"
Susan shook her head. Just then Mark came into the kitchen.
"She's bored of me, she's wants her Aunt Susie," Mark laughed.
Susan gave Chloe a warning stare before going outside to see Little Susie.
Mark looked at Chloe, noticing again the changes in her. "You look well, Chloe," he said.
"Thanks. You too. Susan told me about your tumour," Chloe replied.
"Well, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?" Mark said.
"So, how is she?" Chloe asked, referring to Susan. "Really?"
"Really? I don't know," Mark said. "I knew there was something wrong when she came back, but I had no idea it would be this. I've never seen her like this, she seems so broken."
"I know. It kills me to see her like this and not be able to do anything," Chloe said. "How was she at the cemetery?"
"Rough. She cried a lot," Mark replied.
"You know, before today she hadn't been back to the grave since the funeral," Chloe said. "It haunts her, being here. After it happened they kept her in the hospital for a week and as soon as we'd buried Emily she was out of here. She went and stayed with Carol and Doug for a few weeks and by the time she came back she'd already decided that she was moving back to Chicago."
Mark took in what she was saying. He'd spoken to Susan while she was staying in Seattle. He kicked himself for not realising then that there was something going on.
"Does she talk much about how she's feeling?" Mark asked.
Chloe shook her head. "Not really. I ask her how she's doing and she just says she's ok. If I mention Emily or Dix she'll either change the subject or make an excuse to hang up the phone. If I could just get her to open up," Chloe sighed. "I know she doesn't sleep well. She looks thin and tired. I just wish she hadn't moved away where I can't keep an eye on her."
"Well, I can help there now I know," Mark said.
"I'm glad she's told you," Chloe said. "There aren't many people who she bares her soul to. You're still pretty special to her you know."
Mark looked at Chloe, taken aback by what she had said. Before he could ask her what she meant they were interrupted by Susan.
"Ok, I've done my bit," Susan laughed. "It's your turn Mom."
Chloe rolled her eyes. "Oh, I don't think so. It's my turn every day. I'm going to take full advantage of having you two here."
Susan and Chloe both looked at Mark.
"I take it that's my cue," he said, walking towards the door to the back yard. As he passed Susan, who was stood in the doorway, he placed his hand on her back. She felt the same electricity as she had that morning and she shivered at his touch. Mark didn't notice, but Chloe did.
"He still cares about you," she said.
"And he also cares about his pregnant girlfriend," Susan said.
"Ok, ok, point taken," Chloe said. "So are you going to stay for dinner?"
"Of course," Susan said.
Later that evening, they sat down to dinner together. There was laughing and joking amongst them.
"Mommy, where's Daddy?" Little Susie asked. She had always called Joe 'Daddy'. Although he was not her biological father, he had been her father in every other sense of the word.
"He's working late, sweetheart," Chloe answered.
Little Susie groaned. "Daddy's always working late these days," she complained.
"Well, he's really busy at the moment," Chloe said, obviously just as annoyed as Little Susie.
Once they had eaten and the plates had been cleared away, Mark called a taxi to take him back to the hotel. He came back the next morning to pick Susan up on the way to the airport and found her waiting on the front porch for him.
"Morning," she said, with a rare smile.
"Hi, are you ready to go?" Mark asked.
Susan paused and looked up at him, shading her eyes from the sun.
"I'm going to stick around here for a bit longer," she said. "I've cleared it with Kerry. I just need to take some time out, spend some time with my family. I never thought I'd say this but I need to be here for a while. My head still feels like there's a whirlwind spinning around inside it."
Mark sat down on the step next to her.
"I think that sounds like a good idea," he said. "I'm glad I know."
"Me too."
"Promise me you won't ever hide anything like this from me again, ok?"
"I promise."
"Hey mate, the meter's running," the taxi driver called.
"You'd better go. You don't want to miss your flight," Susan said.
"Are you going to be alright flying back on your own?" Mark asked.
"Probably not," Susan laughed. "You might have to wait at the other end with a quart of valium to calm me down."
Mark drew her into a hug.
"Call me any time you need me, ok?"
"Ok."
Susan smiled as they pulled away. "Mark, I just wanted to say thanks for being here for me. It made it easier, having you there yesterday."
"Any time," Mark said. He cupped Susan's face with his hands and kissed her forehead. When they came face to face their gazes lingered on each other, their faces inches apart. They both felt their lips moving closer together until they were interrupted by Mark's phone.
They broke apart, both very aware of what was about to happen. Mark fumbled trying to find his phone in his pocket.
"Hello? Hi, Elizabeth. Yeah, I'm on my way to the airport now. Ok. Ok, I'll see you later. Bye. I love you too. Bye."
Mark looked back at Susan. They were both feeling very awkward and were desperate to avoid any conversation about what had just occurred.
"Call me when you get back, ok?"
"Ok. Have a good flight."
Susan watched as Mark drove away in the taxi. She felt confused about what had just happened. Would they have kissed if his phone hadn't interrupted them?
'Don't be stupid,' Susan told herself. 'Mark's just being a friend. He's happy with Elizabeth and they're about to have a baby. Why would he want anything else? Whatever you think just happened, didn't.'
In the taxi, Mark was feeling equally confused, resolving to ignore the rising feelings inside of him.
'She's still coping with losing a baby, the last thing she needs is more complications in her life,' he thought. 'She's vulnerable. Whatever you think just happened, didn't.'