Title: "You Who I Cradled In My Arms…"

Author: Nefertili

Fandom: Lord of the Rings

Pairing(s): none

Rating: PG13

Genre(s): Angst, AU

Warning(s): No slash this time…it is replaced by bits and pieces of violence and insults in the other chapters.

Summary: A glimpse on Haldir's past, and what he has long hidden from the world in his face of indifference.

Author's notes: Don't be disappointed if you are not a slash fan. But if you are…read my other fics instead. This is the 'didactic essay' I mentioned in my biography. I strongly appreciate constructive criticisms, but don't flame me please. Nearly all the stuff here is my own making, though they belong to no other than Tolkien. This fic, too, is inspired by the Miss Saigon song, 'I'd Give My Life For You'. As you will notice, all the chapter titles are lines from the song.

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Haldir of Lothlórien sat beside his two brothers, Rumil and Orophin in his talan after their daily sentry in the Land of the Bearer of Nenya. The subject they discussed on was about an orc raid in one of the borders.

"The other wardens did all they can to drive them away, didn't they?" Haldir asked his brothers. "Raids such as this one rarely happen, and this one took us unawares."

"Aye, the other guardians did, and those goblins really took us by surprise," Orophin agreed dejectedly. "Our warriors succeeded, but without the remaining orcs taking with them one of our innocent kindred."

"If I am not mistaken, the victim was the mother of our friend Sardomiel," Rumil added. "I really can't help but pity him. He is most grief-stricken. His father and brother died in the Last Alliance's War on Mordor, and now…" Rumil broke off, unable to say any more words.

Haldir placed a comforting hand on his youngest brother's shoulder and said gently, "I am remorseful for him myself. Our guardians did all that they could, but there are some things that we cannot prevent from happening no matter what we do. Let's just do all we can to help Sardomiel regain his vigor. We need him, the Lady needs him, especially now, when the Dark Lord hath started to regain power."

Orophin sighed and looked distractedly at his surroundings. "And that Fellowship that was set up in Rivendell…I doubt they will succeed to destroy It. Why do they have to choose our realm to escape from those ghastly Mines of Moria? Why did they pass there in the first place? Mithrandir is sensible enough not to do it, with the entire devilry going on there…"

Haldir replied unperturbedly, "I cannot answer all your questions straight away. The fate of Middle-Earth hangs from a brittle thread of the hope of the Fellowship, and as the messengers from Imladris told us, they will pass our Land."

"And bring evil and the eyes of Sauron to us?" Orophin retorted. "Allow them to take a step in our Lady's Wood, and we are predestined."

"I am familiar with it, Orophin, how well I am. But it doesn't make much divergence; we share the same fate as all of Middle-Earth if they should fail…"

Haldir didn't have the chance to finish his statement. He was distracted by a soft humming. Orophin glared at Rumil, who seemed to be composing a song: something he never succeeded on doing before.

"Rumil!" Orophin hissed. "Composing is not on your line; better cultivate your skill on archery instead."

"I am not composing, don't think I am. I have long accepted that my skill on music is faltering compared to my skill on defending," Rumil said as though he didn't hear him.

"Then will my brother kindly tell me what he is doing?" Haldir asked him benevolently.

Rumil hesitated for a while and looked up at the stars that were almost blocked up by the mallorn leaves and branches. Orophin gave an impatient shudder. His brother finally answered, "I know it is foolish of me to think of so unnecessary and simple a thing with all the tumult boiling from around me, but I suddenly remembered a song…a song…though I am still struggling to weave the lyrics and melody together."

Orophin snorted with annoyance, but Haldir appeared interested. "If it is your will, please resonate to us the parts you committed to memory and recovered."

Rumil looked brilliantly and inspiringly at his eldest brother and his Marchwarden. Haldir knew the very strategies to add a little something to both his younger siblings who were only a year or two older than one another only to find out they could hardly fathom what to do when Haldir was feeling down. They don't have to think of it very much, anyway, as Haldir almost never shows his feelings and emotions to others but to himself; they presumed he knows how to handle them all by himself. He began to sing.

"You who I cradled in my arms,

You asking as little as you can,

Little snip of a little one,

I know I'll give my life for you…"

The young Elf's voice then ceased to sing. "That's all that I can remember this time. The other remnants I can hardly string together or recall."

This time, Orophin arbitrated. "Some form of lullaby, I presume, by the sound of it, but forget it and think of more important matters."

Rumil looked disconcerted, but Haldir chose to side with Orophin. "Your brother is right, if truth be told, Rumil. Yes, of course, you have the freedom to sing it and recall it, but let's think of protecting our beloved Lothlórien more seriously than other matters. Please, I don't want to give counsel or reproach now just because of a song."

The young galadhrim thought for a while and said, "I guess you're right, brother. I am sorry for taking my time on useless things."

"Everything has its use in this world, Rumil. It is late into the night, better get back to your own dwellings, my brothers; we will have to prepare for the Fellowship's arrival tomorrow morning, though we may not be sure when they will come into our sight."

"Aye, brother."

Orophin and Rumil gave their answer and they stood up and descended the hithlain ladder that leads down their eldest brother's talan. When Haldir was sure they had left him on his own, he stared up at the full moon that took its vigil high in the sky, reflecting. Secretly, inside him, he had some worries connected to the present happenings. He knew it all, he knew how it feels to lose someone so close in the hands of an enemy, and Rumil's song…he knew the complete words and melody of the lullaby, at once he knew why his brother had had an inkling of the melody…he knew very well of whom he, the present captain of the wardens of Lothlórien, first heard the beautiful lullaby from. It was then did he remember some things which he strove so hard to bury beneath him and to forget, memories that haunted his dreams and reminded him of a painful past…

**********

The world was a good thousand years before Middle-Earth's present time. On one of the tall grandiose and majestic mallorns of Lothlórien sat two Elves. They were one of the newest workforces of the Lady Galadriel's warriors, and they talked out of their own free will, though they kept in mind their task to keep a close watch on the border that was designated to them.

"Everything is dreary…if only there is some evil to fight…" one, whose name was Malenardhon, said in Sindarin as he comfortably stretched his weary feet that were crouching on the strong mallorn bough for a long time.

"By the Valar, my friend," the young Haldir then replied as he eyed his lighthearted friend closely. He was a lot more serious when compared to the other Elf. "We do not know war. We are foolish to hope for turmoil; one can never be sure of its aftermaths…"

"Aye, Haldir, son of Anar-galad," Malenardhon replied composedly as though he heard nothing of his words. "Tell me, what are we? What are we doing right now? And are you not getting tired of crouching there? "

Haldir replied in a rather motivated tone, his brow furrowing, "No, I am not. You only know it too well. We are the guardians who swore to protect Lady Galadriel's Forest. Now we are guarding this border for the security of our Land." He still did not dare change his bent down position he took since he and Malenardhon started their watch.

Malenardhon let out a particularly blithe laugh. "I know, I know, Haldir, my friend. Do not be severely aggravated about me, if you please. But did it ever occur to you that we need not any galadhrim wardens if we have no enemy to battle? You are too serious for me to endure!"

Haldir then laughed in an optimistic manner. "Am I? Oh, I apologize, Malenardhon; It seems these watches are also getting in the way of my thoughts! But…" He broke off and slightly lost the smile on his face of youth.

"But what?" Malenardhon said apprehensively, suddenly alarmed at his friend's proceedings. "Oh, I am sorry for my asinine questions, it seems I hurt you."

"No, Malenardhon," Haldir said quietly as he put his arm around his friend's shoulder. "You even opened an eye in my mind. Why are we guarding when we don't really need to fight anything?"

Malenardhon then tried to take back his words. "No, no, no, forget all the unwise words I just said. You are a lot better a warrior than I am. I can never fire arrows with such nimbleness and sternness as you do. The way you handle your Elven knives and your sword, one would hath thought you were holding air! I truly don't know anything about evil, war or pain; do not let so inexperienced a being guide your thoughts."

Haldir sighed and scanned the vast flatland covered in tall green grasses splashed with beautiful colors of gold and white that belonged to the winter flowers that bloom in Lórien as long as the Lady and Nenya resided in the Land. They occasionally saw a sign of movement or heard a soft rustle on the grounds beneath them, but it was no more than the waving of the grass or the wind pulling up fallen mallorn leaves. "Neither do I. Malenardhon, I just took the opportunity to be a galadhrim of Lórien for one reason. Do you know what I mean?"

Malenardhon regained his original posture as he tried to think of an answer. "Ai…is it because you wish to be the Marchwarden of the Lord and Lady? I've heard that our present captain, Arthrabeth will soon depart for the Undying Lands. Who knows? You are a very superior warrior, Haldir; you have a very good chance for the position."

However, Haldir shook his head and cast down his eyes. Some of his fair silvery hair slightly fell on his face as he bowed his head. "I am just a new recruit; I am not very high on the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel's list, for sure. My father wished that I be like him, a warden of Lothlórien. How could I refuse him? And besides, I have very little choice. I cannot just stay home at all times. I desire to do some service and nourish my abilities and strengths."

"Well, it is your choice, not your father's. You do not have to be a warrior just because your father is one. You are Haldir, not Anar-galad. Do not try to be who you are not; be yourself."

"But it seems like…my call is more of an invitation…as though something is telling me I am destined for some great things, only I don't know what…" Haldir then looked up and pushed his hair back in place. He noticed Malenardhon was staring at him with his dark grey eyes blank, his brow creasing into a deep frown. "What is troubling you? Was it something I said?"

"Aye," Malenardhon replied, taken aback by Haldir's sentences. "Your mind is deeper than the sea. I must admit that mine isn't nearly as imaginative as yours.'

"I am not imagining or fabricating things!" Haldir said sternly. His hand's clutch tightened around the galadhrim bow he held. "Do you not believe me, Malenardhon? It seems no one beyond doubt understands me."

"By the name of the Valar, Haldir, don't take it seriously!" Malenardhon said hastily and as soothingly as possible. His hands shook as he gently lowered down Haldir's hand that was clutching his bow. "I know you mean your words. Why would you be so serious about your occupation if you are not sincere with yourself? Forgive me; I never knew you would act in response this way." HHH jkjslf j

"Apology accepted," Haldir said in an icy and bitter voice that might chill up anyone's blood. "Who else knows my true self anyway? You'd better take the necessary precautions, Malenardhon, or I end up doing what ought not to be done." 

Malenardhon shivered at his friend's cold response, but he continued to speak smoothly and steadily. "Put an end to my life if you have to, if that will be the payment for my words."

When he said this, Haldir dropped his weapon on the mallorn bough and sighed, shaking his head desolately. A few unspoken moments passed before he broke the silence. This time, he spoke in a voice a lot more temperate than his preceding one. "You know very well I couldn't do that. It seems…I can't get a good hold of myself. What kind of warrior will I be? I should learn to hold back my sentiments and put on a mask like you do-"

"What are you saying, Haldir?" Malenardhon cut him off. "Be yourself; do not try to imitate someone else. That is how you can reach what you wish to reach. Count your blessings, my friend. You are so good at your combatant skills, you've got a beautiful mother-"

"Ai, Malenardhon, what caused you to use her as an example?" Haldir then replied good-humoredly. He was grinning again, though mischievously.

"Oh, nothing out of seriousness, really," Malenardhon said straight away to end the conversation as he turned rather red in face. But he was relieved to see Haldir smiling again.

Haldir did not dare to question him further. He looked back at the vast grassland.  "You know, Malenardhon, I guess you are right. I have to be what I really am. I am the one who should be ashamed of threatening you. I'll do all I can to make it up."

"Never mind it all, my friend. It's then did I realize that you are more than a customary warrior-"

Malenardhon stopped in mid-sentence. They suddenly heard an ordering voice arising from below their mallorn. They froze right on the spot. They knew at once to whom the voice belonged. It was Arthrabeth, their Marchwarden, accompanied by Haldir's own father, Anar-galad.

"Better get down, Haldir, son of Anar-galad and Malenarhon, son of Pathredel. Your labors are accomplished for this day. Now is our time take over this border and do our sentry."

Haldir and Malenardhon wasted not a single second in climbing down the mallorn and giving the proper respect they ought to give their captain. They had conversed so long that they forgot that the sun had hit its noonday zenith, signaling changeover for all the novice wardens who guard the borders.

"It seems you are getting pleasure from your post," Arthrabeth remarked to Haldir and Malenardhon, his steely grey eyes penetrating theirs. One would have thought he had the power of reading minds as the Lady Galadriel. "You look as though you are doing your wok conscientiously, I am impressed."

The young wardens bowed in humble gratitude and they went away taking care not to arouse suspicion by running. Anar-galad was silent amidst his Marchwarden's words, but he gave his son an approving smile when Arthrabeth said the remark.

"Very unpredictable…" Haldir whispered to his Elvish friend. "This minute, he is smiling and praising us; but yesterday, he reprimanded us for being late on our watch."

"At least we got a credit this time, my friend," Malenardhon replied. "Well, at least you do; I was the one jabbering and not paying attention…"

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Haldir parted ways with Malenardhon after a good deal of hours training their skills on handling their bows and arrows with their trainer, Hallador. They were still new recruits; they knew they would have to train for a good number of years before they can be truly sovereign.

Haldir had to work very hard to conceal his laughter when Hallador kept on correcting Malenardhon's posture. He also did his very best to avoid being overconfident after having shot all his targets precisely and expertly when his friend had to repeat several times.

Haldir then went back to his very own talan. Having nothing to do, he decided to visit his mother, Arthendion. He had chosen to live apart from his parents as Anar-galad suggested him when he was made a guardian of the Golden Wood, but he still frequently visits his mother and father, and now his younger brother, Orophin, who was only two years old by that time. But now was different, he wanted some assistance from Arthendion. 

His mother was more than pleased as she welcomed her eldest in her talan and threw down her silver hithlain ladder for Haldir to climb up. Arthendion was carrying the young Orophin in her white arms. She, if truth be told; had conceived again and in her seventh month, in contrast to Haldir and Orophin's age gap of more or less two centuries.

"How are things going for you, Naneth?" Haldir asked Arthendion with full respect as he sat beside her. He was very close to Arthendion and admired her. It wasn't a privilege to every being to have a very wise and affectionate mother and a splendid beauty as well. She was different from other Lórien Elves, including the Lady Galadriel, because of her eyes and hair. She had come from the Forest Mountains of Mirkwood, though her son didn't know, carrying with her the characteristics of some of the noble Elven Ladies who dwelt there: captivating silvery blue eyes wherein most Lórien Elves only either have blue or grey. Bluish black gently waving hair wherein most other Elves only have silvery blond, almost white or shining sunlight-golden hair.

"I am in good hands, Haldir, my Eldest, worry not about me," Arthendion replied in a compassionate voice. She was then distracted by Orophin, who was playfully tugging at her long dark locks. "Ai, Orophin, behave yourself," she crooned as she gently loosened her son's grip and threw her hair to her back.

Haldir watched his mother intently as she tenderly rocked back and forth and hummed a lullaby to his young brother. He couldn't help but be slightly envious of Arthendion's attention to Orophin; after all, he was used to having all interests to himself. But her voice seemed to calm him as well. She didn't sing, she only hummed the tune, but Haldir was very pleased with her evocative melody just the same.

When Arthendion stopped her beautiful humming, Haldir was taken out of his trance and was able to look at his brother. Orophin was quiet and undoubtedly asleep in Arthendion's motherly arms and she gave Haldir her undivided attention.

"Well, Haldir," she said. "Now is my turn to ask how things are going for you and your first days as Lady Galadriel's warden."

"All is well, Naneth," Haldir replied, "except for yesterday when Captain Arthrabeth chastised Malenardhon and I for being late on our watch. "

"Aye, your father told me so. But I still am proud of you just the same. You are a very committed Elf, are you not, my Haldir? You do not turn back from whatever path you choose, and that is a complimentary aspect, my son, a favorable aspect."

Haldir was very pleased his mother's praising words. "Thank you. I am as well proud to have a mother as you are, Naneth. You will always be with me, will you not be?"

Arthendion only smiled, but Haldir couldn't get the significance of her grin, whether it meant yes or no, so he asked again, "Will you always be with me, Naneth?"

Finally, Arthendion gave an answer as she stood up and placed Orophin on his bed. "I cannot yet answer that, Haldir, not yet." She pulled her cloak more securely around her as the wind began to feel chilly as afternoon crept by.

But Haldir was incredulous and willing to find out more. "Why?"

Arthendion sighed and once more sat beside her son. "I cannot command the future, no one can. I cannot make my own fate; I can never be sure of what will happen to me. I will not lie to you, my son. I don't know if I will always be by your side alive and breathing, though immortal our kind may be; that's why I cannot answer your question."

Haldir expelled a cheerless breath when his mother answered this way.  But Arthendion continued, "But do not be discouraged, my son. We can never be sure of anything, as everything is as unpredictable as the movements of the wind and sea. Do not let the future trouble you until you have taken care of the present." She then smiled warmheartedly at Haldir. "Ai, you're still intimate to your mother; you haven't changed from the elfling I once cradled in my arms."

The galadhrim's pale face turned slightly to the color of crimson when he heard Arthendion say this, but she took one of his hands that were slightly rough to the touch due to all the hours and days of drawing the bowstring to shoot arrows and placed it on her stomach. At first Haldir couldn't find a sense in what Arthendion was doing, but as he felt the gentle stirring of the life in her womb, his eyes brightened up.

"I know, Haldir, you have grown, you need not tell me. I know, as well that you will be a good brother to Orophin and this little one."   

This answer offered a ray of hope to the young warrior, and he sought to make the conversation a more positive one. "Naneth, Malenardhon and I talked during our watch today…and…"

Arthendion placed a soft hand on her the shoulder of her eldest. Haldir got her message right away: Open yourself to me, I am here to listen.

Haldir managed to gather his courage when he said, "Is it true that we have to be ourselves and not pretend to be anyone in order to become what we should be?"

But even before Arthendion could offer a reply, they heard soft, almost silent footsteps down the talan. The young mother excused herself to find out the company, and she told Haldir elatedly that it was his father.

"It is rare that you see your Adar during your visits here, my son," Arthendion told him.

Anar-galad went up the hithlain ladder in a quick manner that did not escape his wife's notice.

"What is the finer meaning of your dash, Anar-galad? Is there something going on that hath not reached my awareness?" 

"Aye, my dear Arthendion," he said eagerly as he put down his quiver and bow. Then he smiled at Haldir, whom he noticed had come as he said pompously more than fervently, "Our Marchwarden Arthrabeth chose to depart for the West tomorrow, and do you know whom he Lady appointed in his place? It is I! I never knew I would be made captain since I started my duties!" 

Anar-galad was beside himself talking silently to his infant son about his raise. Haldir was in high spirits to have his father elevated to a higher position that it took him a while to notice his mother, how she had become silent after his father told them this. The young Elf was startled and bothered at the same time to see that Arthendion was neither smiling nor looking content; rather, her dark hair was slightly covering her bowed face and she looked as though she was in the threshold of tears… distraught tears. Something was wrong, Haldir had never seen his mother cry in his whole life, and cry so forlornly at that.

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Well, how was it? Do you still feel like reading it? I hope you do…