Disclaimer: *sigh* I don't own the characters from "The Mummy" yada, yada,
yada... Happy? Good, because now I'm depressed.
Pop Goes the Weasel
"The Mummy" told form the point of view of Beni Gabor
chapter 1
Hammunaptra. The damn city shoulda stayed lost. That's really where this began.
The French Foreign Legion is total bullshit, let's get that straight right now. We had no purpose to be in that Godforsaken desert. Nope, we were there because some smart ass American named O'Connell suggested taking a little field trip. And I thought field trips were supposed to be -educational-... Right.
I should also get this out: I am not a coward, I am not a wimp, I just do not like pain. I don't like being shot at, I don't like being kicked, and I really don't like being thrown against walls. O'Connell helped me to understand that last one...
Anyway, if you saw a couple thousand Tauregs coming at you on horseback and firing their guns every which way, you woulda run, too. You'd swear I was racing a cheetah... C'mon, even the general took off.
So, you know, O'Connell's barking orders to the rest of those poor idiots and I hear gun shots behind me.
What'd I do to deserve this? I just -borrowed- a few trinkets from a synagogue, a couple crosses from a church, impersonated a monk,... Oh, yeah...
So, it seems the rest of the garrison was a bit slower at realizing danger, but as soon as bullets started pinging around them, they started to haul ass. They were dumb enough to trust a bastard like O'Connell, they deserved what they got. I wasn't there by choice...
"Run, Beni! Run!"
No, I think I'll stay and try to reason with the trigger-happy bastards... Friggin' idiot.
I saw this tomb thing, with some Egyptian picture-writing stuff on it, highongrass, or is it pyrogeeks... something like that. Anyway, it had a door, so I figured it was a helluva good hiding place. Yeah, O'Connell was a few feet behind me, chased by the desert rats.
Sure, I coulda helped him, coulda let him in. I also coulda started singing "Yankee Doodle" in Arabic...
As soon as I shut the stone door (and it was damn well heavy), I regretted it. I also don't like snakes...
But I waited it out, and when I popped my head out, well, the whole garrison was 6 feet under... It seemed, though, that something had scared the Tauregs off. O'Connell was no where in sight.
Of course, I didn't bother looking for his body. Unfortunately, that lucky bastard gets out of everything...
***
What did I do for three years? Not much of anything (and if you care, the list of -who- I did, well, let's just say... let's not say anything...).
I was a weasel, really. I led people out into the middle of the desert to die. They didn't -know- they were going to die, mind you. I told the intelligently-challenged that I knew where Hammunaptra was, which was not a lie, and that I'd take them there. That was the part where I lied.
So, anyway, these three cowboys with their American-tinted English came to me, heard of me through the grapevine... Actually, I was at a bar and some guys pointed me out to them.
"We hear you know where to find a certain... Hammunaptra..."
And they wanted me to show them the way... Right... How much were they paying? Enough, but, guess what: there's -always- a catch...
On normal terms, I would never have agreed to being paid half up-front and half upon return. Of course, having a gun to my head my have stimulated me to agree...
They weren't as dumb as they'd seemed, I'll give 'em that. They hired some Chamberlain fellow, an Egyptologist or whatever. Just cus he's got some fancy title, they thought he was so smart. He had this bright idea to hire a bunch of native diggers, which I thought was a totally idiotic idea. We were going into Hammunaptra, a -city-, not digging holes in the sand.
So we were all packed, boarding the barge, the "Sudan", all set to go. Damn Americans were doing all this the hard way, making me go the whole trip to get paid. That was the blondie one's big idea, to make sure I didn't weasel out on them. Yeah, I never learned the Americans' names; makes me feel better when they die...
Yeah, so we were standing on the bow of the barge, the Americans and I, and that Chamberlain guy said everything was in order. The one cowboy, the tall one with glasses, was the only polite one of the three. Unfortunately, I have not had very good relationships with Americans, obviously, and that's too bad because I seem to have a stereotype about all Americans...
Anyway, as the imbeciles were discussing the Lost City, that's when I saw him. O'Connell.
Oh. Shit.
I never expected to see the bastard alive. So I did what I do best.
I ran.
***
That night, I turned down a game of cards for a stroll around the deck. Okay, so the American assholes would rather play with some drunken nitwit Brit... Well, I just so happened to come upon O'Connell with a lady friend. Okay, fine, I wanted to know what the hell he was doing there. Anyway, the little half-wit (okay, very large half-wit) pissed her off something awful and he was completely dumbfounded.
What a dumb ass.
Well, I laughed a little too loud and caught O'Dummy's attention. Incredibly stupid on my part...
So he grabbed me and I was hanging about two feet off the ground, not the most comfortable position if I may say.
"Well, if it ain't my little buddy, Beni."
No, it's the friggin' Easter Bunny.
"I think I'll kill you."
"Think of my children!"
Yeah, ya big bully! Think of poor Gabriel, Joshua, and Beni, Jr.!
"You don't have any children..."
Oh, yeah, forgot about that...
"Someday I might."
I a very undeserved "shut-up" for a reply.
I think I'll now refer to him as the -rude-, -impatient- bastard...
So then he went on about how I was leading the Americans, yada, yada, yada Like there was anyone else alive who knew where the damn city was. He's so dumb, I almost feel sorry for him.
Almost.
Then I found out why O'Connell was going back to Hammunaptra: for that stuck-up lady friend of his. I still couldn't understand -why- he was going; the girl was such a prude, she shoulda been a librarian.
"You always did have more balls than brains."
Leave it to me to open my big mouth. I couldn't resist... It -was- true...
You wanna know something else that's true? The river is fucking cold at night.
***
I had a helluva time getting back on the barge. I think the fish had a field day with my toes... Eventually, though, I climbed up a line. And guess what. Some tattooed bastards dressed in black set the goddam barge on fire. Not to mention there were bullets flying past my ears. By then, people were jumping into the water.
What the hell, I was already wet.
But I was -pissed off-.
So I splashed back in the friggin' -cold- water and swam to the shore where my team of imbecile Americans were headed. Well, at least the diggers had enough sense to get all the horses...
I saw O'Connell on the opposite shore with that drunken Brit, some guy who looked like he lived in prison, and his prude girlfriend (who won the wet nighty contest...).
"O'Connell!"
I couldn't resist.
"Hey! O'Connell!"
Yeah, he's half-deaf, too...
"It looks to me like I've got all the horses!"
Ha ha! One up on Mr. Dumdum!
"Hey, Beni!"
What the hell could he possibly want?
"Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the river!"
No friggin' way.
Aw, shit.
***
Okay, so we were delayed slightly. But we had faster transportation: horses. Fortunately, there was a horse for everybody in the group, except for one person.
Unfortunately, I was that one person. I got stuck with a friggin' camel.
Keeping company with those dumb asses was no picnic either. All they ever talked about was how much Egypt sucked, and my accent...
The big bullies...
Well, we met up with O'Connell's team just before sunrise. Apparently, Mr. Cocky had made a bet with the Three Stooges for 500 bucks. Well, I'd get 100 bucks if I helped 'em win. Whoever got there first...
Good thing camels kick ass at racing.
Bad thing that O'Connell's teammates were all on camels, too.
That friggin' figures...
Yeah, guess who won. The goddam prude.
What happened to me? Being thrown off my stubborn ass camel and almost trampled by horses is not a great way to relax...
***
Those bastard Americans wanted me to pitch in to pay O'Connell... Hell, no. I told them to kiss my ass... Well, I said that under my breath after I'd forked over 100 bucks. The pricks held a gun to my head again.
"Hey."
It was that dumb blondie guy again. I was just sitting on some big stone, and he comes to me with an attitude.
"Get your little Hungarian ass helpin' to open that tomb thing."
He expected me to work with those damn diggers to a bricked up entrance. Was he outta his pea-sized mind?
"That's why you hired diggers." I really gotta learn to keep my mouth shut. You know what the bastard did? He shot at me! He missed, but the prick shot at me!
I was quite cooperative after that. I was still pissed off, but the idea of getting shot did not appeal to me...
***
Finally, the entry was opened. Believe me, that place is not for claustrophobics. The whole place was very closed-in, dark, pretty creepy. Chamberlain was looking for some statue's base or something, I really didn't care. So Dr. Egypt found his precious base, and with it some really weird noises.. A voice it sounded like, and it put everyone on edge. Then something rounded the corner. Everyone who had a gun held it in front of him. Damn coward Chamberlain cowered behind us.
"O'Connell, you scared the bejesus outta us."
Damn right he did. What the hell was he playing at?
"Well, gentlemen, we have a lot of work to be getting along with."
Dumb bitch, that was out site.
"Push off, this is our dig site."
Is there an echo in here? Yeah, well the guns went up again. I couldn't resist taunting him. I needed some fun.
"Well, there's only four of you, and fifteen of me; your odds are not so great O'Connell."
I'm good at judging odds... I should play the lottery...
Yeah, he pointed his shiny gun at me, but if I went, I was damn well taking him with me...
"Now, let's be nice, children."
Aw, speak for the bouncer next to you; he's the one that started this feud by being a smart ass.
"There are other places to dig."
Yeah, listen to the lady. Good doggie, O'Connell, good doggie-woggie!
Apparently that drunken nitwit was the prude's brother. Damn, they must've had one dysfunctional family. The ne'er-do-well almost made me burst out in fits of laughter with his pee-wee gun. Not to mention, it was pointed at the back of O'Connell's head.
***
So we got the statue. Great. Whoopdee-do for us.
Chamberlain found the seam where some secret compartment was hidden. The blondie American got all keen about finding the treasure. Funny, I couldn't understand how all the wealth of Egypt could fit into a tiny compartment. That's what Hammunaptra is supposed to hold, right? The wealth of Egypt...
So Blondie took a crow bar and was ready to pry the compartment open, but Mr. Picky Chamberlain suggested letting the diggers open it...
Okay, so maybe the diggers were a good idea; the damn compartment was rigged with some sorta ancient booby trap. Just our luck.
The three diggers were, well,... melted.
Better them than me.
After that, they called it quits for the night. It was already dark, and I'm glad the imbeciles had enough sense to start a fire. I do not, however, want to know what our meal consisted of.
Alright, I woulda really like to know who the hell those desert guys were, you know, the Goth bikers dressed all in black with a bunch of tattoos... Yeah them. They showed up again that night, came over riding on horses, shooting their guns and wielding swords... Actually, the curvy swords were pretty cool...
And the mighty O'Connell scared them off with a stick of dynamite... And they say -I'm- a wuss... Of course, the biker boys weren't chased off before I took a swig of Glen Livet from the nitwit Brit, not my preferred drink, but hey, I was in the middle of the friggin' desert; I couldn't be too picky.
Right, so you can imagine after the long day that I'd like to get some sleep. Guess what - I was up -all damn night-. Sure, I'm an insomniac, but O'Connell, the rat-bastard, gets that prude, Evelyn, completely shit- faced drunk, and she decides to expose her entire life story and ancestral history at the top of her lungs. And get this: she's proud to be a librarian...
***
That bastard Chamberlain always had to be in a rush to do everything; he got us all down there before sunrise to open the damn chest. Yeah, great, everyone thought there'd be some great treasure just waiting to be found. Ha.
"There is a curse upon this chest."
Say what? Nope, I don't do curses...
"Curse, my ass."
Did he just say he wanted someone to curse his ass? ...Oh... never mind.
"It says 'There is one, the undead, who, if brought back to life, will kill all who open this chest."
Oh, shit.
That was it for me. Forget that crap, I don't deal with curses, nuh-uh, nope. I hauled my ass outta there real fast...
"Stupid superstitious bastard."
Oh, yeah? Let's just see if he feels that way when his organs are sucked outta him...
Yeah, and after all that, they still opened it.
Stupid, idiotic bastards. I'm just glad Chamberlain could read those heartheclicks to warn me to get the hell outta there. They were still dumb.
***
Afterwards, I really started to regret my decision, and resent my chicken heart. Dr. Egypt and the Three Stooges came back completely healthy and very alive, each with a jar... very decorated and elaborate jars that would fetch a very fine price... The good doctor also returned with a large (very heavy) black book.
To top that off, I had to give up a comfy seat by the fire to that prude bitch or O'Connell was going to knock my teeth out.
Damn him, damn that man!
Okay, I need to get this out: that librarian was so friggin' annoying, her know-it-all attitude and stuck-up British air.
Big deal. Her team found a gooey mummy with scarab skeletons in it coffin.
"It seems our friend was a victim of the Hom-dai, the worst of all ancient curses."
Bet she didn't learn that in the kitchen...
Okay, so if somebody's dumb enough to wake this guy up after 3,000 years, the 10 Plagues of Egypt are a free gift. Was it really necessary to explain all 10 Plagues (in detail) to a half-asleep audience? Apparently for her, it was.
Finally, after how long, I fell asleep. God, it felt so good to sleep, so peaceful, so blissful.
That bitch was out to ruin my life.
For someone so smart, how could she be so stupid? How could she be stupid enough to read that book. C'mon, she knew the consequences; she the one that explained them, for God's sake!
Well, that didn't stop her... obviously.
This whole curse thing got off to the wrong start. Okay, the first plague that popped up was locusts. That was totally out of order; locusts were the -8th- Plague! I may not know very much, but I know my Plagues...
***
So, anyhow, our team got separated from O'Connell's and the incompetent Americans opted for running into the tomb. Yeah, great idea. Of course, Chamberlain, with all his smarts and degrees in every field, was dumb enough to stay out there and get covered with bugs.
We, however, were running through the damn narrow corridors with absolutely no clue as to where we were going. One of the Americans, the tall, somewhat polite one, tripped and fell, and dropped both his glasses and his torch.
Klutz.
I really didn't mean to mutilate his glasses - I didn't see them... I was just, you know, caught up in the moment, afraid for my life and such.
Odd how "caught up in the moment" is usually used as an excuse for why your girlfriend slept with your brother...
Yeah, I took the guy's torch, too...
***
I must've taken a wrong turn cus I couldn't find my team anywhere. But I dealt with it, I played it cool.
Okay, I was petrified stiff as a board.
But I only whimpered because nobody was around to hear...
So I wound up at the statue base where we found that cursed chest. I really had the shivers. Somehow I was going to find a way to blame everything on O'Connell...
That chest was still in the room, opened, and there was a jar like the Americans had, but it was broken. I figured that, from there, I could find my way out, but I always felt that someone was behind me, and I had my gun out.
A helluva lotta good it did me.
The only light came from my - excuse me - the American's torch. I turned around again and-
Ho. Ly. Shit.
Smart me, I dropped the torch and the gun.
Don't move. Don't breathe. Don't do anything ...except maybe pray. A lot.
And that's what I did. I worked my way through my religious charms. Christianity, Islam, Buddhism... You can never have too many saviors...
Well, I shoulda just gone with my own faith to begin with, saved myself a scare, since Hebrew seemed to do the trick. Always trust your instincts...
Of course, my instincts were yelling, "Run, get the hell outta there, you dumb fuck!"
But he offered pretty trinkets (and allowed me to live...), a helluva lot more than what I was getting paid by those American dumb asses.
Cheap bastards.
That sold me, gold and immunity. That was one damn good deal!
Oh, like you woulda turned an evil, pissed off, walking, talking, gooey, skeletal corpse down. Yeah, I'd love to see that...
***
Pop Goes the Weasel
"The Mummy" told form the point of view of Beni Gabor
chapter 1
Hammunaptra. The damn city shoulda stayed lost. That's really where this began.
The French Foreign Legion is total bullshit, let's get that straight right now. We had no purpose to be in that Godforsaken desert. Nope, we were there because some smart ass American named O'Connell suggested taking a little field trip. And I thought field trips were supposed to be -educational-... Right.
I should also get this out: I am not a coward, I am not a wimp, I just do not like pain. I don't like being shot at, I don't like being kicked, and I really don't like being thrown against walls. O'Connell helped me to understand that last one...
Anyway, if you saw a couple thousand Tauregs coming at you on horseback and firing their guns every which way, you woulda run, too. You'd swear I was racing a cheetah... C'mon, even the general took off.
So, you know, O'Connell's barking orders to the rest of those poor idiots and I hear gun shots behind me.
What'd I do to deserve this? I just -borrowed- a few trinkets from a synagogue, a couple crosses from a church, impersonated a monk,... Oh, yeah...
So, it seems the rest of the garrison was a bit slower at realizing danger, but as soon as bullets started pinging around them, they started to haul ass. They were dumb enough to trust a bastard like O'Connell, they deserved what they got. I wasn't there by choice...
"Run, Beni! Run!"
No, I think I'll stay and try to reason with the trigger-happy bastards... Friggin' idiot.
I saw this tomb thing, with some Egyptian picture-writing stuff on it, highongrass, or is it pyrogeeks... something like that. Anyway, it had a door, so I figured it was a helluva good hiding place. Yeah, O'Connell was a few feet behind me, chased by the desert rats.
Sure, I coulda helped him, coulda let him in. I also coulda started singing "Yankee Doodle" in Arabic...
As soon as I shut the stone door (and it was damn well heavy), I regretted it. I also don't like snakes...
But I waited it out, and when I popped my head out, well, the whole garrison was 6 feet under... It seemed, though, that something had scared the Tauregs off. O'Connell was no where in sight.
Of course, I didn't bother looking for his body. Unfortunately, that lucky bastard gets out of everything...
***
What did I do for three years? Not much of anything (and if you care, the list of -who- I did, well, let's just say... let's not say anything...).
I was a weasel, really. I led people out into the middle of the desert to die. They didn't -know- they were going to die, mind you. I told the intelligently-challenged that I knew where Hammunaptra was, which was not a lie, and that I'd take them there. That was the part where I lied.
So, anyway, these three cowboys with their American-tinted English came to me, heard of me through the grapevine... Actually, I was at a bar and some guys pointed me out to them.
"We hear you know where to find a certain... Hammunaptra..."
And they wanted me to show them the way... Right... How much were they paying? Enough, but, guess what: there's -always- a catch...
On normal terms, I would never have agreed to being paid half up-front and half upon return. Of course, having a gun to my head my have stimulated me to agree...
They weren't as dumb as they'd seemed, I'll give 'em that. They hired some Chamberlain fellow, an Egyptologist or whatever. Just cus he's got some fancy title, they thought he was so smart. He had this bright idea to hire a bunch of native diggers, which I thought was a totally idiotic idea. We were going into Hammunaptra, a -city-, not digging holes in the sand.
So we were all packed, boarding the barge, the "Sudan", all set to go. Damn Americans were doing all this the hard way, making me go the whole trip to get paid. That was the blondie one's big idea, to make sure I didn't weasel out on them. Yeah, I never learned the Americans' names; makes me feel better when they die...
Yeah, so we were standing on the bow of the barge, the Americans and I, and that Chamberlain guy said everything was in order. The one cowboy, the tall one with glasses, was the only polite one of the three. Unfortunately, I have not had very good relationships with Americans, obviously, and that's too bad because I seem to have a stereotype about all Americans...
Anyway, as the imbeciles were discussing the Lost City, that's when I saw him. O'Connell.
Oh. Shit.
I never expected to see the bastard alive. So I did what I do best.
I ran.
***
That night, I turned down a game of cards for a stroll around the deck. Okay, so the American assholes would rather play with some drunken nitwit Brit... Well, I just so happened to come upon O'Connell with a lady friend. Okay, fine, I wanted to know what the hell he was doing there. Anyway, the little half-wit (okay, very large half-wit) pissed her off something awful and he was completely dumbfounded.
What a dumb ass.
Well, I laughed a little too loud and caught O'Dummy's attention. Incredibly stupid on my part...
So he grabbed me and I was hanging about two feet off the ground, not the most comfortable position if I may say.
"Well, if it ain't my little buddy, Beni."
No, it's the friggin' Easter Bunny.
"I think I'll kill you."
"Think of my children!"
Yeah, ya big bully! Think of poor Gabriel, Joshua, and Beni, Jr.!
"You don't have any children..."
Oh, yeah, forgot about that...
"Someday I might."
I a very undeserved "shut-up" for a reply.
I think I'll now refer to him as the -rude-, -impatient- bastard...
So then he went on about how I was leading the Americans, yada, yada, yada Like there was anyone else alive who knew where the damn city was. He's so dumb, I almost feel sorry for him.
Almost.
Then I found out why O'Connell was going back to Hammunaptra: for that stuck-up lady friend of his. I still couldn't understand -why- he was going; the girl was such a prude, she shoulda been a librarian.
"You always did have more balls than brains."
Leave it to me to open my big mouth. I couldn't resist... It -was- true...
You wanna know something else that's true? The river is fucking cold at night.
***
I had a helluva time getting back on the barge. I think the fish had a field day with my toes... Eventually, though, I climbed up a line. And guess what. Some tattooed bastards dressed in black set the goddam barge on fire. Not to mention there were bullets flying past my ears. By then, people were jumping into the water.
What the hell, I was already wet.
But I was -pissed off-.
So I splashed back in the friggin' -cold- water and swam to the shore where my team of imbecile Americans were headed. Well, at least the diggers had enough sense to get all the horses...
I saw O'Connell on the opposite shore with that drunken Brit, some guy who looked like he lived in prison, and his prude girlfriend (who won the wet nighty contest...).
"O'Connell!"
I couldn't resist.
"Hey! O'Connell!"
Yeah, he's half-deaf, too...
"It looks to me like I've got all the horses!"
Ha ha! One up on Mr. Dumdum!
"Hey, Beni!"
What the hell could he possibly want?
"Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the river!"
No friggin' way.
Aw, shit.
***
Okay, so we were delayed slightly. But we had faster transportation: horses. Fortunately, there was a horse for everybody in the group, except for one person.
Unfortunately, I was that one person. I got stuck with a friggin' camel.
Keeping company with those dumb asses was no picnic either. All they ever talked about was how much Egypt sucked, and my accent...
The big bullies...
Well, we met up with O'Connell's team just before sunrise. Apparently, Mr. Cocky had made a bet with the Three Stooges for 500 bucks. Well, I'd get 100 bucks if I helped 'em win. Whoever got there first...
Good thing camels kick ass at racing.
Bad thing that O'Connell's teammates were all on camels, too.
That friggin' figures...
Yeah, guess who won. The goddam prude.
What happened to me? Being thrown off my stubborn ass camel and almost trampled by horses is not a great way to relax...
***
Those bastard Americans wanted me to pitch in to pay O'Connell... Hell, no. I told them to kiss my ass... Well, I said that under my breath after I'd forked over 100 bucks. The pricks held a gun to my head again.
"Hey."
It was that dumb blondie guy again. I was just sitting on some big stone, and he comes to me with an attitude.
"Get your little Hungarian ass helpin' to open that tomb thing."
He expected me to work with those damn diggers to a bricked up entrance. Was he outta his pea-sized mind?
"That's why you hired diggers." I really gotta learn to keep my mouth shut. You know what the bastard did? He shot at me! He missed, but the prick shot at me!
I was quite cooperative after that. I was still pissed off, but the idea of getting shot did not appeal to me...
***
Finally, the entry was opened. Believe me, that place is not for claustrophobics. The whole place was very closed-in, dark, pretty creepy. Chamberlain was looking for some statue's base or something, I really didn't care. So Dr. Egypt found his precious base, and with it some really weird noises.. A voice it sounded like, and it put everyone on edge. Then something rounded the corner. Everyone who had a gun held it in front of him. Damn coward Chamberlain cowered behind us.
"O'Connell, you scared the bejesus outta us."
Damn right he did. What the hell was he playing at?
"Well, gentlemen, we have a lot of work to be getting along with."
Dumb bitch, that was out site.
"Push off, this is our dig site."
Is there an echo in here? Yeah, well the guns went up again. I couldn't resist taunting him. I needed some fun.
"Well, there's only four of you, and fifteen of me; your odds are not so great O'Connell."
I'm good at judging odds... I should play the lottery...
Yeah, he pointed his shiny gun at me, but if I went, I was damn well taking him with me...
"Now, let's be nice, children."
Aw, speak for the bouncer next to you; he's the one that started this feud by being a smart ass.
"There are other places to dig."
Yeah, listen to the lady. Good doggie, O'Connell, good doggie-woggie!
Apparently that drunken nitwit was the prude's brother. Damn, they must've had one dysfunctional family. The ne'er-do-well almost made me burst out in fits of laughter with his pee-wee gun. Not to mention, it was pointed at the back of O'Connell's head.
***
So we got the statue. Great. Whoopdee-do for us.
Chamberlain found the seam where some secret compartment was hidden. The blondie American got all keen about finding the treasure. Funny, I couldn't understand how all the wealth of Egypt could fit into a tiny compartment. That's what Hammunaptra is supposed to hold, right? The wealth of Egypt...
So Blondie took a crow bar and was ready to pry the compartment open, but Mr. Picky Chamberlain suggested letting the diggers open it...
Okay, so maybe the diggers were a good idea; the damn compartment was rigged with some sorta ancient booby trap. Just our luck.
The three diggers were, well,... melted.
Better them than me.
After that, they called it quits for the night. It was already dark, and I'm glad the imbeciles had enough sense to start a fire. I do not, however, want to know what our meal consisted of.
Alright, I woulda really like to know who the hell those desert guys were, you know, the Goth bikers dressed all in black with a bunch of tattoos... Yeah them. They showed up again that night, came over riding on horses, shooting their guns and wielding swords... Actually, the curvy swords were pretty cool...
And the mighty O'Connell scared them off with a stick of dynamite... And they say -I'm- a wuss... Of course, the biker boys weren't chased off before I took a swig of Glen Livet from the nitwit Brit, not my preferred drink, but hey, I was in the middle of the friggin' desert; I couldn't be too picky.
Right, so you can imagine after the long day that I'd like to get some sleep. Guess what - I was up -all damn night-. Sure, I'm an insomniac, but O'Connell, the rat-bastard, gets that prude, Evelyn, completely shit- faced drunk, and she decides to expose her entire life story and ancestral history at the top of her lungs. And get this: she's proud to be a librarian...
***
That bastard Chamberlain always had to be in a rush to do everything; he got us all down there before sunrise to open the damn chest. Yeah, great, everyone thought there'd be some great treasure just waiting to be found. Ha.
"There is a curse upon this chest."
Say what? Nope, I don't do curses...
"Curse, my ass."
Did he just say he wanted someone to curse his ass? ...Oh... never mind.
"It says 'There is one, the undead, who, if brought back to life, will kill all who open this chest."
Oh, shit.
That was it for me. Forget that crap, I don't deal with curses, nuh-uh, nope. I hauled my ass outta there real fast...
"Stupid superstitious bastard."
Oh, yeah? Let's just see if he feels that way when his organs are sucked outta him...
Yeah, and after all that, they still opened it.
Stupid, idiotic bastards. I'm just glad Chamberlain could read those heartheclicks to warn me to get the hell outta there. They were still dumb.
***
Afterwards, I really started to regret my decision, and resent my chicken heart. Dr. Egypt and the Three Stooges came back completely healthy and very alive, each with a jar... very decorated and elaborate jars that would fetch a very fine price... The good doctor also returned with a large (very heavy) black book.
To top that off, I had to give up a comfy seat by the fire to that prude bitch or O'Connell was going to knock my teeth out.
Damn him, damn that man!
Okay, I need to get this out: that librarian was so friggin' annoying, her know-it-all attitude and stuck-up British air.
Big deal. Her team found a gooey mummy with scarab skeletons in it coffin.
"It seems our friend was a victim of the Hom-dai, the worst of all ancient curses."
Bet she didn't learn that in the kitchen...
Okay, so if somebody's dumb enough to wake this guy up after 3,000 years, the 10 Plagues of Egypt are a free gift. Was it really necessary to explain all 10 Plagues (in detail) to a half-asleep audience? Apparently for her, it was.
Finally, after how long, I fell asleep. God, it felt so good to sleep, so peaceful, so blissful.
That bitch was out to ruin my life.
For someone so smart, how could she be so stupid? How could she be stupid enough to read that book. C'mon, she knew the consequences; she the one that explained them, for God's sake!
Well, that didn't stop her... obviously.
This whole curse thing got off to the wrong start. Okay, the first plague that popped up was locusts. That was totally out of order; locusts were the -8th- Plague! I may not know very much, but I know my Plagues...
***
So, anyhow, our team got separated from O'Connell's and the incompetent Americans opted for running into the tomb. Yeah, great idea. Of course, Chamberlain, with all his smarts and degrees in every field, was dumb enough to stay out there and get covered with bugs.
We, however, were running through the damn narrow corridors with absolutely no clue as to where we were going. One of the Americans, the tall, somewhat polite one, tripped and fell, and dropped both his glasses and his torch.
Klutz.
I really didn't mean to mutilate his glasses - I didn't see them... I was just, you know, caught up in the moment, afraid for my life and such.
Odd how "caught up in the moment" is usually used as an excuse for why your girlfriend slept with your brother...
Yeah, I took the guy's torch, too...
***
I must've taken a wrong turn cus I couldn't find my team anywhere. But I dealt with it, I played it cool.
Okay, I was petrified stiff as a board.
But I only whimpered because nobody was around to hear...
So I wound up at the statue base where we found that cursed chest. I really had the shivers. Somehow I was going to find a way to blame everything on O'Connell...
That chest was still in the room, opened, and there was a jar like the Americans had, but it was broken. I figured that, from there, I could find my way out, but I always felt that someone was behind me, and I had my gun out.
A helluva lotta good it did me.
The only light came from my - excuse me - the American's torch. I turned around again and-
Ho. Ly. Shit.
Smart me, I dropped the torch and the gun.
Don't move. Don't breathe. Don't do anything ...except maybe pray. A lot.
And that's what I did. I worked my way through my religious charms. Christianity, Islam, Buddhism... You can never have too many saviors...
Well, I shoulda just gone with my own faith to begin with, saved myself a scare, since Hebrew seemed to do the trick. Always trust your instincts...
Of course, my instincts were yelling, "Run, get the hell outta there, you dumb fuck!"
But he offered pretty trinkets (and allowed me to live...), a helluva lot more than what I was getting paid by those American dumb asses.
Cheap bastards.
That sold me, gold and immunity. That was one damn good deal!
Oh, like you woulda turned an evil, pissed off, walking, talking, gooey, skeletal corpse down. Yeah, I'd love to see that...
***