Disclaimer: I don't own Beni... Only his heart ::smirk:: JK
POP GOES THE WEASEL
Chapter III
I have added high windows to the list of things I hate. Just so we're clear.
So, it seemed Imhotep was getting along pretty well without me. He had found the black book by himself and got two more jars, and had two more meals. That dude has a good appetite...
How many people have friends that they're afraid of? I don't mean afraid that they're gonna judge you or spread rumors about you, I mean you're scared they're gonna kill you...
Exactly.
Did I feel bad that people died? Yes, I am sympathetic. I told you, I am not a bad, evil, slimy little weasel. Weasel, yes. Evil, no. And I smell good, too.
Did I feel bad that the Americans and that smart-ass Egyptologist got the flesh sucked off their bones?
Hell no.
That's like being upset over the extinction of collie flour... Ick.
So we had one damned American left to rid the world of. Bastard. Too bad it wasn't two...
I felt a little awkward walking down the street with Imhotep. Sure, there was the fact that he was an undead ancient Egyptian high priest trying to resurrect his old girlfriend, but his little minions really crept me out. Yeah, sure, the boils and sores were gross and all...
But I felt unloved.
Before, it was just him and me! What change, Imy? What, I'm not good enough for you now?
Those twits couldn't even carry on a decent conversation... Believe me, I tried.
"So, what's you're name?"
"Im-ho-tep."
"Funny, I didn't realize that was such a popular name... Where ya from?"
"Im-ho-tep."
"Named after your hometown. Cool. Like Winona. So what do you do?"
"Im-ho-tep."
"Really? I didn't know that was a profession... Any kids?"
"Im-ho-tep."
"Your creativity never ceases to amaze..."
I was pretty quiet after that. Not to mention that I now really hated Imhotep's name... Friggin' idiot.
All right, when O'Connell was taking off with his posse, I could have simply allowed him to go. I could have forgiven him for manhandling me on countless occasions. I also could have shot him in the ass.
Did I?
No. But I should have.
With an elephant gun.
Instead I opted for yelling up at Imhotep, who I'm sure screamed some dirty ancient Egyptian words at them through the window.
"You're gonna get yours, Beni!" O'Connell yelled. "You're gonna get yours!"
Yeah. Sure. Go to hell.
"Yeah, like I've never heard that before!" Remember who you're talking to, buddy!
And they drove off, the British boozer maneuvering the car.
Jesus Christ. Who the fuck gave him a license?
Scary thing is, if he survives after this, the only job he'll probably be able to land is a cab driver...
Okay, I admit, the mob of scabby zombie dudes did come in useful. They chased down the car, getting shot and punched and kicked... and run over... At least I didn't have to do it. I'm still icing my nipple from when O'Dumbass threw me around Chamberlain's office...
Eventually, the remaining American was pulled out of the car, and cornered by Imy and his gooey mob.
You know what the bastard does? He pulled out that goddam jar. Like that wasn't gonna piss Imhotep off.
And I thought he was the smart one.
Relatively speaking, that is.
I am never taking Imhotep to lunch. Blah. Then again, I suppose I just did...
Finally some of those moronic chanting bastards chased down O'Connell and Company. Hopping out of the car, Dumdum tries scaring away the minions with fire. Ha. Dipshit.
At least I didn't get bored. I got to play translator. 'Cause I'm a linguist. 'Cause I'm smart.
"He said: Come with me my princess. It is time to make you mine... forever."
"For all eternity, idiot." Yeah? Yo momma.
Well, ya know, Imhotep's Hebrew sucks ASS, so... He should stick to what he's good at---singing.
Can't you just picture him as the Phantom of the Opera?
"Take my hand and I will spare your friends." Ha. Right. Good one, Imy.
He better not be serious.
"Oh... dear. Have you got any bright ideas?" the prude said to O'Connell.
Don't make me laugh. Dumb fuck.
"I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'," he told her.
I'm sure you are. Thinkin' about fu---
"Well, you'd better think fast, because if he turns me into a mummy, you're the first one I'm coming after..."
Good. Beat the crap out of him.
And she took Imy's hand. O'Connell was pissed, but can you really blame her for not choosing him? Please... Self-centered, immature dipshit ::vs:: good-looking, romantic... dead guy...
Okay, that friggin' mob moved aside for Imy and his sacrifice. Why the hell couldn't they see that I was the number one accomplice! Hello! Me, coming through! OW! Stop stepping on me!
I. Hate. My job.
And sand. We've already established the sand factor. It doesn't exactly taste like sugar, either.
And that bitch.
"Get off me! Get off!" She was hitting me. Just 'cause I was thrash out of the damn sand storm so brutally and landed on you... Yeesh.
Not to mention, you weren't complaining when we---oh, that wasn't you, was it...
Damn it, we were back at Hammunaptra. I hate that place. Why couldn't O'Connell just have gotten shot there three years ago? Then we wouldn't be in this goddam mess.
See, I knew it was all his fault.
It's always his fault.
Apparently, O'Connell's not the friggin' retard I take him for. He did make it to Hammunaptra. Then again, he comes there in that drunken air force guys bright yellow plane. C'mon, who has a yellow plane? How bright (not a pun) is that? It's not like the damn thing was camouflaged or anything...
Imhotep is good. He did this whole thing with making his face out of sand.
I used to do that at the beach, but his just looked so much cooler.
And sand-Imy swallowed O'Connell's plane! Ha. Tastes like chicken.
That bitch ruins everything. She kissed Imhotep, her first kiss probably, to save Mr. DumDum.
He still crashed.
But it was amusing.
"I love the whole sand wall trick," I told my buddy. "It was beautiful... Bastard."
Yes, I was kissing Imhotep's ancient, undead ass. He probably had no idea what the hell I was saying. I could have just yelled, "I fucked your wife!" in Hungarian and he wouldn't have known.
Of course, last time I yelled that, I couldn't move for a week...