There were certain things in the universe that just shouldn't happen.

This moment ranked very high on the list.

It was noon, blindingly bright, her ears ringing with Ricky Martin, microwave pings, and snippets of conversation. She was standing in line at a Subway, watching Spike instruct the "sandwich artist" on which toppings he wanted.

On his Veggie Delite.

In this Bizarro World she'd suddenly stumbled into, William the Bloody was a vegan.

A tanned, laid-back, curly-headed vegan who had blasted Radiohead from the CD player of his olive green, 1978 International Harvester Scout. A 1978 International Harvester Scout, she should mention, that he had donned small, black-rimmed, nerddom-is-in little emo glasses to drive. A drive, she should mention, during which he had calmly and nicely called out gear numbers, allowing Dawn to work the stick-shift from the passenger seat.

Apparently, William the Bloody was teaching her little sister to drive.

Or just Will. That was what everyone had called him. Dawn, her mom, Giles... and then all Dawn's little school-friends, who'd pronounced it Wiiiiiiiiiiiill, heavy on the breathy, who'd been waiting at the curb when they'd pulled up to the school, clumped-up and compulsively giggling, their eyes flicking up and down Spike in a way that had totally failed to register on him.

Joyce and Giles had thought it would be a good idea for Buffy to go along with Spike today. Joyce and Giles had thought she would benefit from talking to him.

Because in Bizarro World, Spike was getting his doctorate in psychology.

"Buffy? Hey, Buffy? Earth to Buffy?"

"Huh? I'm sorry, what?"

Spike smiled. "Was askin' if you wanted to take these outside. Pretty day n' all."

"Oh! Sure. Sure, yeah... outside, in the, the sunlight. Sure, Spike."

He held the door open for her, grinning. "Wow... haven't heard that one in a long time."

Buffy clutched her sack of sandwich, eyebrows raised. "Nobody calls you Spike anymore?"

"Got phased out, I guess," Spike shrugged, heading over to one of the yellow tables. "Don't really call Oz 'Snoopy' anymore, either, so..."

"Huh?"

"Y'know. Snoopy. Spike."

"And again I say -- huh?"

Spike sighed a little, plopping down on the metal bench and unwrapping his food. "Kind of a stupid joke, I guess. Oz's such a cute little werewolf, started callin' him Snoopy, he started callin' me Spike... that's Snoopy's brother, I dunno if you read Peanuts... anyway, ha-ha-ha but... judgin' by your face, apparently not so much."

At Buffy's blank expression, Spike changed tactics. "So, this 'alternate reality' you were in... you wanna talk about it? Bit confused that you're up on your obscure appelations but not the fact that I'm your stepbrother."

"Stepbrother?"

"My dad? Your mom?" Spike took a sip of his Diet Coke. "Five years ago? Death do they part, I do, I do, et cetera?"

"I, uh... wow, um, I guess it just didn't compute."

"Take it they weren't married in alterna-world. Dad still your Watcher there?"

"He was my Watcher, yeah, but... not your Dad."

Spike's eyebrows raised. "Oh? Was I even there?"

"You were there... just... just not related to Giles."

"Look, Buffy, maybe it would help if you told me about this other place you were. I mean, your mind constructed it, right? Be interestin'. Besides, I can fill you in, help you get along 'til your memory comes back."

"I don't really..."

"I know you think you're asleep and dreamin' this. So -- humor me. If it's a dream, what's it gonna hurt to tell me, right?"

Buffy picked at her chips. "I guess..."

"So... you were still the Slayer?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Scooby Gang all present n' accounted for? Red and Oz, Xan and Anya, Tara, me, the Nibblet?"

"Uh. You weren't... you weren't exactly a Scooby, and Oz... Oz was gone."

"No Oz? Red must have been goin' nuts."

"Well... Willow was... I mean, she went kind of nuts when he left, but then she started dating Tara..."

Spike spit Diet Coke all over the table. "What?"

"Um... Willow and Tara... I'm guessing they're not, uh, together here?"

"Uh, no." Spike brightened at a sudden thought. "Don't suppose you've chucked Captain Cardboard in this other world, eh?"

"Captain... you mean Riley? I'm still dating Riley here?"

"More's the pity, yeah."

"Well... in the... the other world, we broke up. You didn't like him there, either. Actually, you were kind of instrumental in the break-uppage."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? What'd I do? Testicular injury involved? Please tell me I did unto him as I did unto that git Parker."

"W-what'd you do to Parker?"

Spike grinned at the memory. "Nothin' that a short stay in hospital didn't mostly cure."

"You put Parker in the hospital?"

"Well, Xander helped," Spike said innocently.

"W-why?"

"You mean, besides him bein' a wretched git who deflowered my little sister, treated her like dirt, an' tried the same routine on Xan's girlfriend the next day? Oh, no reason."

My little sister?

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Deflowered?

"Parker, um. He, uh. He... deflowered me?"

"Gave him a miss in Bizarro World, eh? Good on you."

"Um... Spike... I mean, um, Will... what about... Angel?"

Spike took another sip. "Who?"

"Angel? Y'know, uh... Captain Forehead? Peaches?"

Spike looked at her blankly.

"The vampire with a soul?"

"Vampire with a... you mean Angelus? What's he got to do with peaches?"

Ice suddenly ran down Buffy's spine. "He's Angelus here?"

"He's not Angelus anywhere anymore. You mean Angelus was in your head-world? Damn, Buffy, Dad'd be proud. He thinks you never do research."

"What do you mean... he's not... anywhere anymore?"

Spike shot her a strange look. "Angelus was killed over a century ago. Dusted by the Slayer... during the Boxer Rebellion, if I remember right."