Ok...It's been a while; I hope you're still with me. This is a pretty long chapter...I hope this story is still as funny as you think it is cough couch rrright anyway. Maybe I can update more regularly from now on. Maybe not. I'm on my own schedule which is a bit crammed sometimes, and now that school is only a week away well...that's just gives me another excuse...tee hee just kidding. Who knows? Maybe the new school year will motivate me to not be so lazy, get my ass off the couch, stop watching Will and Grace and write more! Yea...like that would ever happen...I can't go a day without watching that show...anyway, here's chapter six, or seven...whichever one we're on, it's been so damn long that I can't even remember. Enjoy.

Oh, and it's been so long that maybe you don't remember either, so Malik has so graciously agreed to give up a moment of his time to fill you in on how things are going....Shoves Malik center stage

Malik: Yea, so far Ryou agreed to let Bakura stay with us...and it couldn't have come at a less opportune time...I mean, I just asked Ryou to marry me! Go figure, that stupid ass tomb robber always ruins everything... So anyway, I had made dinner reservations, but Bakura figured out that the ring I bought Ryou wasn't...um...of the best quality, and then Ryou got mad at me. He didn't even want to go to dinner with me! Heh heh...but I turned on the ol' Malik charm and before you know it we hopped on the bed and I screwed his brains out...finishing just in time to make it to dinner...but there was Bakura, down in the living room, making some sort of banging noise that was bugging the hell out of me...I can't wait to get my hands on him...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Forget about him, we're going to be late for dinner!"

"I just want to make sure he's still alive, that's all."

Bakura heard faint voices coming from above him, and as he slowly opened his eyes two figures came into view.

"Holy fuck!" He screamed, bolting upright. The world around him was spinning as were the two boys in front of him. "Oh, hello," He said, glancing up at both of them. "My names Booby, and you are?" He said, with a lopsided grin on his face.

Malik, now thoroughly disgusted, walked into the kitchen, filled a cup full with cold water, walked back into the living room and threw it in Bakura's face.

"Snap out of it you disgusting pig!" He shouted in Bakura's ear. But Bakura paid the Egyptian no mind as he suddenly became fascinated with his own hand.

"What would I do without you?" He asked his hand, turning it and admiring it from every angle. "I've had many a lonely night, and you were always there for me." He smiled, kissing his hand.

"Oh that's it." Malik reached into his back pocket and pulled out the magic stick (otherwise known as the shock collar remote).

"Um, Malik, I don't think you should do that, he's..." But before Ryou even had the chance to finish, a sadistic grin spread over Malik's face as he pressed the button.

Bakura shot up in the air as he yelped with intense pain.

"OwfuckowfuckowwwwwFUCK!" He yelled, running around in a circle.

"...Wet." Ryou finished his sentence, looking at his yami with a slight tinge of sympathy. Just then Ryou looked at the ground, and figured out where all that banging was coming from. There on the floor, right where Bakura had been lying, was an empty bottle of rum and a broom.

Ryou glared as he picked it up, now realizing why Malik had said Bakura's name in the midst's of their fucking. Ok, now Malik was off the hook, well, except for the cheap ass ring...but still, nothing that a good fuck couldn't change...speaking of change...maybe he should decide to go commando after all...

Malik turned to Ryou and eyed the broom like a kid in a candy store.

"I'll take that." He said, swiping the broom from Ryou. His eyes followed the tomb robber, who was still running around in a circle. Lifting the broom, he brought it down, cracking Bakura upside the head with a loud bang.

"That'll teach you to do stupid shit while I'm in the middle of getting some." Malik said with a grin as he watched Bakura whine and grab his head, as he fell on his ass.

"Wusssupwitdat?" He slurred, before passing out, yet again, with his face flat on the floor

"Ok, are you ready?" Malik asked his fiancé as he held out his arm, completely ignoring the disheartening wails that came from Bakura.

Ryou nodded, wrapping his arm around Malik's as they strode past the pathetic mess on the floor, and walked out the door.

o o o

The line outside of The Black Angus was long, and there was a three hour waiting list just to get in. That is why Malik made reservations. This was one of the only good American restaurants in Tokyo.

Malik walked up to the guy with the list, and with his best American accent, tried to ask for his table.

"Hello, I want to fuck your mom, is that aright?"

Ryou looked up at him. "I didn't know you spoke English." Ryou said, sounding impressed.

"Eh, I know enough to get around." Malik looked back at the man, who had suddenly gone red in the face and started rambling something in English.

"What's he saying?" Ryou whispered to Malik, without being too conspicuous.

Malik, who was beginning to think that he didn't really say what he meant to, just smiled and turned to Ryou. "He's telling me today's specials."

"Why does he look so angry?"

Malik shrugged. "He's just passionate about his job I guess."

"What's the hold up?" Came a gruff voice from behind them. Malik turned around to come face to face with none other than the CEO of KaibaCorp himself.

'Just fucking great...Mr. Rich Bitch has decided to bring his little dog out for a walk.' He seethed, noticing that bastard blonde whose mind he controlled back in the good old days. Turning back around, he listened to the host, trying to figure out what the hell he was saying.

"Oh, hey Jounouchi-kun!" Ryou said with a smile.

"Do you mind? I would like to get some dinner." Seto said in a snappy tone.

Ryou backed off as he saw Jou shrug and mouth something that to him looked like "PMS."

"Sorry Kaiba, but this man is telling us the special." Ryou said to him.

Kaiba listened to what the man was saying, and he, being fluent in almost every tongue known to man, started to crack up.

"If the special is Malik's mom. Then I think I came to the right place." He started to laugh hysterically while Ryou shot him a nasty look.

Malik, who's back had been turned, caught on to Kaiba's words and he could feel his hands ball up into tight fists. 'No! Keep your calm! You're out with Ryou!'

Slowly he spun around and put on a forced smile. 'He insulted your mom!' His mind told him, but he had enough self control within him to keep himself from ripping the boy's balls off.

"Well then, Kaiba-kun could you kindly tell this man that all I want is a fucking seat!"

"If it'll get your ass out of my sight, then why not?" Kaiba spat as he walked up to the man, and spoke to him.

To Malik's frustration, he saw Kaiba point to him, and then the man started to laugh, as he winked at Kaiba.

Then Kaiba walked back to them, looking way too smug for Malik's comfort.

"It's all taken care of; just give him your name. Oh, and by the way, he speaks Japanese you dumb ass."

Malik could have kicked himself as he told the man his name.

"Right this way." The man said, with a heavy English accent. Malik and Ryou followed him to a table and took a seat.

"Can I get you something to drink?" He asked, pulling out a pen and a notepad.

"Diet Pepsi." Ryou said, smiling.

"And you?"

"Smirnoff triple black."

"Your server will be right with you."

"Thank you." Ryou stated pleasantly. Maybe things wouldn't go so bad after all. Every time he went somewhere with Malik he always had to be the calm one, because Malik still carried around a temper as big as a whale.

Malik sat, tapping his fingers impatiently on the table, as Ryou picked up the menu and casually scanned it over. But the more he looked at it, the more he noticed a reoccurring theme.

Hamburgers, rack of ribs, t-bone stake... 'Oh great.' Nervously he peered over the menu to see if Malik had happened to look at it yet, and he obviously hadn't.

"Uh, Malik..." Ryou said cautiously when he saw the boy reaching for the menu, but there was nothing he could do, Malik had already opened it and began reading it.

His eyes went wide as he stared at the contents with horror.

"What the hell is this?!" He shouted, throwing the menu as far from himself as possible. People near them glanced over to the table, and Ryou's face went red.

Malik glared at all of them until they went back to whatever the hell they were doing. With his anger building, he looked around to find person after person shoving, big, huge pieces of juicy cow meat into their mouths. He could feel the sweat forming on his brow.

'Cool your jets if you wanna get some tonight!' He said over and over again. Finally, their waiter came with their drinks and asked what they would like to eat. Before Ryou could even finish what he was ordering Malik had downed the bottle of Smirnoff and was begging for more. Ryou looked highly uncomfortable.

"And for you sir?" The waiter asked, turning in Malik's direction.

"French fries." Malik grumbled. "And another drink, but make it something very...very strong." Malik figured that if he wasn't heavily sedated he might just end up standing up on the table and doing some sort of PETA demonstration...like his favorite: Vegetarians Make the Best Lovers... [1]

"Sir, would you like to try our house special. It's a whole pound of delicious Angus beef, cooked to your preference."

"No! I refuse to eat that shit!" Malik shouted, standing up from the table with his chest heaving.

"Fine then, French fries it is." The man said sheepishly before running like hell back into the safety of the kitchen.

"This place is a slaughter house!" Malik seethed as he crossed his arms and flopped back down in his chair.

Ryou simply closed his menu and looked the other way. "Well...you did pick the restaurant."

"Well how the hell was I supposed to know that this place was so...so, disgusting..." He growled.

As if on cue, that annoying brown haired bastard with blue eyes came waltzing by their table to mock the former killer.

"This place is called The Black Angus, you know." Seto chuckled as he walked by.

"What the fuck does that have to do with the goat milk in Egypt?!" Malik shouted to him from across the room.

"I thought you knew English!" Seto laughed back.

"Well..."

"The Black Angus is English for "Let's all eat meat!"" At that, Kaiba laughed so hard that he nearly fell off his chair.

Ryou just shoved his head in his hands and waited for their meal to come.

o o o

Their meal went by rather uneventfully save for the time that Malik threw the ketchup bottle clear across the restaurant as Kaiba and Jounouchi were about to leave. Ryou chose to ignore that seeing as how it was a very mild behavior compared to what he knew Malik was capable of. But little did they know that a soon to come incident would be the straw that broke the camel's back, or, in our case, Malik's.

As the boy's finished the last of their food, which for Malik, consisted of nothing but French fries, 'damn I shelled out a lot of money for this shit...' Ryou happened to notice, out of the corner of his eye a few waiters coming their way.

'I hope they're just bringing our check.'

But if that were all, then it wouldn't have been a typical night out for the two, because Malik hadn't thoroughly lost his temper yet.

Ryou watched as the waiters snuck around their table and crept their way up to Malik. The Egyptian remained oblivious to all of this as he rested his head in his hand and continued to guzzle down the rest of his non alcoholic beverage (Ryou had insisted that he stop at five tonight). In a flash all of the waiters jumped up and bombarded their table. One of them threw a big colorful hat on Malik as another dropped a huge cake right in front of him.

The white haired boy watched in horror as the events slowly unfolded...this couldn't possibly get any worse, but, as luck would have it, of course it could...

Simultaneously all but one of the waiters pulled out kazoos as the one stepped up in the middle, and not just any one...nope, it was the one who Malik had problems with earlier. He opened his mouth and shouted out loud...

"Otanjobi omedeto gozaimasu!" And then the kazoos started blaring and everyone in the restaurant directed their attention over to the frightened Ryou, and the fuming Malik.

As quick as lightning Malik shot up out of his chair, pulled the hat off, and ripped it to shreds, giving all of the waiters the death glair in the process.

"It's not my fucking birthday!" He bellowed.

By this point, Ryou had sunk so low in his chair that he was almost under the table. He most certainly didn't want to be in Malik's way at the moment.

There was still one gutsy waiter who continued to play the kazoo after everyone else had stopped. Malik turned to him, ripped the kazoo out of his mouth and threw it back in his face.

"Get out of my sight all of you! You worthless mortals!" In a blind rage Malik picked up a fork that was on the table and waved it threateningly at all of them while he stood on his seat.

"I should take over all of your minds!" He shouted pointing the fork up in the air. "You're all nothing but a bunch of worthless Amer-"

Ryou just couldn't let him finish his sentence, or it might have been World War III. So he slipped the rest of the way under the table, and kicked at Malik's chair. Shutting his eyes, he heard the loud crash of Malik's body, ungracefully hitting the floor, as some of the people started to laugh.

'No...don't laugh at him...please don't laugh at him...'

"What the hell are you laughing at you fat bitch!?" Malik shouted at a woman who was seated at a table across from there's. She shut up real quick as Malik stood up and walked over to her table. The entire restaurant fell silent, waiting to see what this maniac would do next. To their relief...or maybe their disappointment, seeing as how this was the most entertaining thing that had ever happened to them, they saw the blond boy reach under the table, grab his younger brother, and help him to his feet.

One young woman seated near all the action just had to comment. "For as crazy as he is, he sure is nice to his brother." She said. Malik caught on to her words and a smile played across his face.

Taking Ryou's hand, he walked over to her and without warning threw Ryou onto her table and roughly started to kiss him, while he reached his hand under the boy's shirt.

Loud gasps and screams issued out from the dining crowd as they watched this boy molest his sibling.

Malik moved on top of Ryou as he caressed the boy's sides. Ryou let out a gasp that was a mix of pleasure and frustration. 'I can't believe his doing thi-oh...that feels so good...' Ryou's eyes rolled nearly to the back of his head when Malik lifted his shirt up and flicked his tongue against Ryou's hardened nipple. The two women who were previously seated at the table quickly got up and backed away as the two boys continued their extreme make out session.

"That's just appalling! Not only are they both male, but they're brothers!" One of them squealed.

Suddenly Malik pulled Ryou's shirt down and yanked him off the table. With Ryou's hand in his he made his way to the exit, but before leaving he had one last thing to say.

"Before I leave I would like to thank you all for watching me and my fiancée perform a demonstration that I like to call Vegetarians Make the Best Lovers."

And that was that, Malik yet again left a scene where he had purposely scarred people for life.

Kaiba however, was not a happy camper. His plan did not work out, well...as planned. Malik wasn't supposed to turn a demonstration out of what was supposed to be a humiliating birthday song.

"God dammit why does nothing go my way?" He sighed, moving away from the restaurant window and retreating to his limo where Jounouchi was waiting for him.

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Ok, I hope you liked it; it took me a while, as with all the chapters to this story, it's so damn hard to be funny when you're coming from a story as whacked out as The Evil One, but I try my best. For those of you that are waiting for A New Light...bless your heart, you have more patients than I'll ever have because Ra knows when I'll update that again...but don't worry, I'm not giving up on it. I've spent too much time on it to give it up! Ok, toodles.

Malik: Geesh, for once you didn't talk for an hour. I think I'm going to die.

Well, would you hurry up with it then?