Thanks for all the wonderful feedback, in general and the last chapter.MuchTVs thanks for helping me resolve the issues with the last chapter and to storymom who pointed out something very important about Sandy and Ryan's talk. I tried to address it here. I have one more chapter and an epilogue - so the conclusion of Downward Spiral will be up soon.
Josh, don't sue. You're weekly salary is probably more than I make in a year!
Kirsten found Ryan in the nursery, sitting in the rocking chair, holding Christina. She stood in the doorway for a moment, just looking at her blond hair blue eyed son and the baby who bore similar coloring. Kirsten thought it was ironic that people who didn't know them from before assumed Christina looked like Ryan because like her, Christina had light hair and blue eyes.
"Hey," she said. "How are you feeling?"
Ryan looked up, with that deer-caught-in a headlight look that Kirsten hated. She knew it was Ryan's residual fear from his days in Dawn's home. She knew Ryan would never totally be rid of the pain and fear of living with Dawn, but she just wished she could reach inside of him, yank it out, and throw it deep in the ocean, where no one would ever find it again.
"I'm sorry," Ryan mumbled. "I shouldn't be holding her."
"Are you turning your head when you sneeze? Covering your mouth when you cough?"
Ryan rolled his eyes. "I'm seventeen. Not five."
"Then I think it's okay if you hold your sister. She's really old enough to handle the germs." Kirsten bent her head, so her mouth was close to Ryan's ears and said in a conspiratorial whisper, "I think the nanny overreacted last time with the mask and all." She put her fingers to her lips. "Sshh. Don't tell."
Ryan smiled, his tense shoulders visibly relaxing.
Kirsten didn't miss the red rims around Ryan's eyes or his red and puffy nose. She should never have let him go to school, but he had left the house before she could check on him, leaving through the front door and bypassing the kitchen all together where they normally gathered in the morning. She knew he had done it on purpose, so he wouldn't have to face Sandy.
Ryan felt all the muscles in his body tense again as he noticed Kirsten studying him. Someone else was going to say he looked like crap.
"Don't say it. I heard it enough today," he snapped.
"Excuse me?" Kirsten raised her brows. "Do you have something to say to me?" She didn't add young man, though it was on the tip of her tongue.
"Sorry," he quickly said, realizing that Kirsten didn't appreciate his change in attitude.
"What's wrong?" Her voice softened.
"Nothing." Ryan stood and put a now sleeping Christina down in her crib. "It's been a long day."
"I know your teacher called."
"I thought he called Sandy." He leaned against the baby's dresser fingering the bottles of lotion that were scattered on top.
"No. I called Sandy after Mr. Tolliver and I talked."
"So you're going to lecture me now? Because I've been lectured enough today."
"What has gotten into you, Ryan?" She crossed her arms over her chest, resisting the urge to tap her foot, which is exactly how her mother had reacted to her when she had copped a belligerent attitude as a teenager.
"Sorry," he mumbled again.
"It works once in a conversation this short. What's going on? I didn't have a chance to talk to Sandy before he went off with Seth. How did things go between the two of you this afternoon?"
"Fine, I guess."
"So what's with the attitude?"
He shrugged, running the teeth of the baby comb over his fingers. "I'm just in a pissy mood. It's not like my day started out that great."
"I hope it ended better. I would think you'd be relieved to finally air things out between you and Sandy."
Ryan shrugged again. "Just because I screwed up, doesn't make it all right for Sandy to say the things he did the other night." Ryan hadn't realized he had been feeling that way, until he spat out the words.
"Of course not. What did Sandy say that even gave you that impression?"
So Ryan recounted the conversation that took place on the shoulder of the freeway. Kirsten listened attentively, but knew Ryan had misunderstood.
"Okay, I don't think Sandy was trying to say it was your fault. I think he was trying to explain himself. But I'm not the one you have to hear this from. You need to talk to Sandy."
Ryan pushed himself off the dresser and angrily said, "All we do in the damn house is talk," and stalked out of the room.
Kirsten looked after him, her mouth agape. She heard his bedroom door slam shut, and sighed when the noise caused Christina to start and screech. Helplessly, Kirsten looked from her daughter to the door that had been shut in her face across the hall. She wondered if her family would ever be whole again.
"Dad, do you think our family will ever be okay again?" Seth played with the cheese oozing from his quesadilla.
"Sure." Sandy forced his voice to sound confident, even though he didn't feel all that confident.
"It doesn't feel like it. I know it's all my fault. I'm sorry."
"The family's problems are not your fault. Don't take that on your plate. You have enough dealing with your addiction."
"I'm not all that addicted." Seth looked down at his plate. Even though his food looked delicious, he just didn't have the energy to start cutting it up. He didn't have the appetite to eat. Every time he thought about all the problems he had caused between Ryan and his parents, between himself and Ryan, between him and his parents, Seth felt sick to his stomach.
"Seth," Sandy warned.
"No. No. No," Seth was quick to say. "I have a problem. I know that. I just mean, that I wasn't addicted all that long and it's not like I have the shakes and all that. I'm going to kick this."
"I know you're going to kick this." Sandy put his hand over Seth's.
"I don't know if it makes a difference. I mean, not if Ryan won't talk to me."
Sandy's brows knitted together. "What do you mean?"
"I don't think he'll forgive me."
"Ryan? Why won't he forgive you?"
"I was awful to him. He tried to help me out. He tried to get me to stop with the drugs. To talk to you. And he —"
"And he covered for you."
Seth looked down and avoided his father's gaze.
"Don't worry. Ryan's not going to get into trouble because you admitted to me that he covered for you. Ryan and I talked things out."
"Yeah. He covered for me and I kept throwing it in his face. But it's more than that. The whole time, he kept telling me how bad drugs were. That in the end it would just spiral out of control, and I wouldn't listen. He was right."
"Ryan knows about this stuff. When Trey and Ryan were arrested last year, Trey had drugs on him. So his brother probably used. We know Dawn died of an overdose. I'm sure Ryan had years of watching his mother use."
Seth hung his head, thinking about how Ryan had just wanted an angst free family. And Seth had ruined that for him. After sixteen years of living in hell, Ryan deserved what he wanted.
"The night I got arrested, Ryan wanted to have SethRyan time. He thought maybe you'd give in and let us watch a video or play a videogame, even though we were both grounded. Instead, I snuck out to be with Mitch. Why should he forgive me?"
Sandy took a sip of his water. "I won't lie to you Seth. You're going to have to work at making things right with Ryan, but don't forget when he first came to Newport you were there for him. You've always been there for Ryan. There's a very special bond between the two of you. You'll find a way to fix it. These things don't just disintegrate."
Seth nodded, hoping his father was right, but not wanting to continue the subject anymore. He tried to think of something to say that was light and funny, but Seth couldn't. He wasn't in that sort of mood, which would never have happened a few months ago. He always had something to say that would lighten the mood. Instead, Seth asked, "Dad, is being Jewish important to you?"
Sandy coughed, choking on the food that he had just swallowed. He took a sip of water. "I guess. It's always just been part of me. Sandy Cohen from the Bronx. It's not like I could hide it. My name. My features. So I just embraced it."
"But it wasn't important enough for you to marry someone Jewish."
Sandy shrugged. His eyes darted around the restaurant, looking for a clock, hoping it would indicate it was time for Seth's NA meeting. "I married for love Seth."
"Why didn't you ask mom to convert? Didn't you want your children to be Jewish?"
"What are you talking about?"
Seth shrugged and fell back in his chair. "I'm not Jewish, because Mom's not Jewish."
"You're half Jewish."
But Seth adamantly shook his head. "No such thing," he muttered.
"Where's this coming from?"
"It's something I've been chewing on for a while."
"What made you think of it?"
"Mitch—"
"I should have known. This Mitch kid is really bad news. I hope—"
"Okay." Seth held up his hands. "Let's not start this conversation again."
Sandy bit his lip, chagrined that his son had to remind him to keep his focus. "Listen, kid. I married your mom because I loved her. I didn't care that she was Protestant, Catholic, green or purple. Kirsten is the most amazing person I know. She's funny, sweet, gentle, smart, and beautiful. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. And you come from her, and even though you have my dark hair and will one day probably have my brows, you will always have bits and pieces of the most wonderful person I know. So who gives a damn if that means you're Jewish or not.
"We were never big into religion. I mean, celebrating Hanukah was about the presents and Passover is all about the brisket. We mostly do the traditions for show or to make Nana happy. I hope that I didn't mess up by not giving you something so important. I know in this day and age, some kids really benefit from having a belief system. But my belief system is in your mom. I don't need anything more than that."
Sandy breathed heavily when he was finished, trying to catch his breath. If he tried, he didn't think he could repeat what had just tumbled out of his mouth, but just looking at Seth, they appeared to take its desired effect. Was this one of the things that had been bothering Seth? One of the things that had pushed his son to use drugs? A knot formed in the pit of Sandy's stomach. He and Kirsten had always been at a loss at how to raise Seth. Religion wasn't important in either of their lives, even though they had stressed many of the Jewish traditions, like Seth's Bar Mitzvah. Had they confused him to the point of taking drugs?
Sensing his father's confusion, Seth took Sandy's hands and said, "it was just one of a million reasons. There was no one reason that I decided to keep taking drugs."
"Ryan, can I come in?" Kirsten knocked on his bedroom door. "Ryan?" She rapped on the door, louder, hoping to command his attention.
"I just want to be alone," he called.
"Nope. No can do. Not now. So warn me now if you're not decent, because otherwise I'm coming in." She turned the knob and stepped into the room, when he didn't say anything. "Please don't talk to me like that again. I'm just trying to help."
He looked up at his adoptive mother and then down to the comic book that was spread open on his lap. "Okay," he muttered. He was tired of apologizing, so he didn't.
"We weren't doing enough talking a few months ago. That's what got us into this mess."
"Okay."
"So were back to the monosyllables?"
He shrugged.
"Should I call Dr. Acobas and set up another appointment?"
"I have one tomorrow."
"Maybe we need to make it a family session."
"Whatever you want."
"Ryan, this attitude is wearing thin."
He clenched his teeth, refusing to apologize.
"Okay. I see this isn't going to go anywhere. I'm sorry that you won't let me help you. Maybe when you're feeling better. If you want, you can come down and eat something. I also have cold medicine in the kitchen."
Kirsten closed the door behind her, leaving a very ashamed and angry Ryan alone in his room. After a few minutes, he cast aside the comic book and followed Kirsten to the kitchen. He had changed from his school clothes and was clad in his pajamas, a pair of sweats and a white undershirt. In his haste to find Kirsten, he had forgotten to put on his slippers, and was glad he was at least wearing socks, because he was sure Kirsten would chastise him if walked into the kitchen barefoot.
Ryan found her sitting at a table, head bent in her hands. He knew saying sorry again for the millionth time that day would sound stupid, but seeing Kirsten so tired and dejected, Ryan knew he had to give it one more chance.
"I've been a jerk. Sorry."
Kirsten looked up and offered a weak smile. "Apology accepted."
Ryan returned the smile and sat down next to her in Sandy's usual place. "It's not an excuse, but I'm just sick of all this drama. I want it to be over and want things to go back to normal here."
"It'll take awhile."
"I know."
He looked out the back door to the pool, remembering the lazy days of summer, when he and Seth just lounged by the pool or on floaters in the water. He vividly recalled the water fights between him and Seth and chasing each other around the pool, even though Kirsten admonished them to be careful. He remembered having Marissa and Summer over, and playing water games with them and longing to have some private time with his girlfriend so that he could explore her scantily covered body. He wished he could turn back the clock so that it was summer and maybe he could do things differently. Maybe then he and Seth wouldn't be at war with each other.
"Do you think Seth and I will ever be all right?"
"Of course."
"He doesn't like me very much right now. And I'm not sure how much I like him."
"I don't always like my sister. But I always love her."
Ryan nodded, understanding. "I want to forgive him. But I'm mad at him. He was really an ass. I tried to—"
But Kirsten cut him off. "Seth was under the influence of drugs. He probably has a lot of issues he needs to work out. I'm not excusing his behavior. But he couldn't see that you were trying to help him. As much as Sandy… and I insist that you should have come to us, I'm not sure that we would have been able to prevent this from happening." She patted his arm. "If the two of you can repair your relationship, I think a lot of things will go back to normal here. Because the glue that holds this family together is the bond between you boys."
"No pressure. Huh?"
Kirsten laughed and threw her arms around Ryan, enveloping him in a hug.