CB: Beams Looks like I'm on a roll these past couple of weeks. Hurrah!
I grieve and dare not show my discontent,
I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant,
I seem stark mute but inwardly do prate.
I am and not, I freeze and yet am burned,
Since from myself another self I turned.
- Elizabeth I
It was, James reflected sourly, a funny old world.
He was standing on top of a hill, in the faint drizzle that had been persistently dampening the landscape since lunchtime, wearing nothing but an old coat and unable to use a warming charm to free his body from the chill that now dogged him. He was also (and this was probably the biggest cause of his displeasure) currently having to converse with his least favourite person in the world.
"He's being kept under close supervision," Snape was saying, a drip of water hanging off the end of his beak-like nose. "He doesn't go anywhere without someone watching him." He shrugged, looking like a scruffy black crow in his robes. "I tried to get myself assigned to look after him, but Voldemort thought it more appropriate to allow a miscreant like Black to keep an eye on him."
"Black?" James raised an eyebrow, arms folded.
"Yes." Snape sneered, his expression disgusted. "Sirius Black. Wanted on at least two accounts of murder. Killed his own parents." He paused, a curious expression flitting across his face. "I must confess," He said eventually, "I didn't expect you to be looking for Lupin – he's not really that significant to our forces, is he?"
"No." James's face was grim. "But he is my friend, Snape."
"Ah." Snape turned his head to look out over the landscape. "I was surprised when he turned up. A very good job, I would say, that he doesn't know I'm on his side." He smiled nastily. "Although it did surprise me that Dumbledore hadn't contacted me before this to see if he was in the area. Clearly he can't be that important…even to our side."
"We just weren't sure where he was!" James snapped, "What would have been the point in risking your cover with a meeting like this if we hadn't been sure."
"So how did you find out?" Snape looked genuinely interested. "I certainly didn't tell anyone – I could hardly risk sending a message unless it was for something vital, and Lupin clearly wasn't."
"I had a chat with some of the locals this morning. One of the baker's told me there was a lot of activity at the castle."
"I see." Snape frowned. "What are you planning to do? You can't rely on my help in getting the werewolf back – it'd blow my cover for sure."
James shrugged. "I'll think of something. In the meantime, keep an eye on him, will you?"
Snape nodded and started back down the hill. He paused, however, having gone no more than a couple of steps. "One more thing, Potter: it may be nothing, but your friend has grown a lot closer to Black, recently." He turned hard black eyes on James, his expression grim. "I'd make sure you take that into consideration."
It had started off as a fairly normal day, Remus reflected miserably.
He'd been happily asleep when, without warning, a thump and a shrieked curse had woken him.
Lying still, he'd watched Sirius (who had presumably been the cause of the thump and subsequent swearing) pull his head back into the room and stagger back to his own bed. Through narrowed eyes, the werewolf hadn't twitched as the other man paused for a moment, looking towards him, an unreadable expression on his face, before the Death Eater had turned and tumbled back into his own bed with a dull thud.
After that, silence had reined in the room, broken only occasional by a small sigh from Sirius and the slight shifting of bedclothes.
After one particularly long bout of shifting, Remus had rolled over, giving up on sleep, when the form in the next bed caught his eye.
Sirius had obviously become too warm in the small, slightly stuffy room, and he' kicked the covers down to the end of his bed. This exposed him (albeit unconsciously) to his roommate's slightly dazed view.
Long, lean legs were slightly sprawled, uncovered thanks to the pair of boxers Sirius was wearing. The sunlight streamed across smooth skin, turning it a strange, honeyed colour, the shirt that the Death Eater had been forced to wear had slipped up, exposing his abdomen and the slim swoop of the top of hipbones. Arms were stretched above the man's head in a strange parody of something bordering on crucifixion and dark hair stained the pillow with sleek rivers of black.
Remus's mouth went dry.
Sirius shifted again, turning his body slightly towards Remus, a peaceful smile slipping across his features, and that had been it.
And now he, Remus Lupin, had done the most unthinkable, unspeakable thing ever. He had very nearly turned Sirius Black's attitude on its head and seduced him.
Well it wasn't me. The wolf's voice was crisp and precise at the back of his mind. You know perfectly well I have no influence over you at the moment.
"I know," Remus said softly, gaze riveted at the window.
Am I right in thinking he was something of a temptation?
"Yes."
I see… Although the wolf made no further comment, Remus felt the slight amusement in its tone and could practically hear the approval.
Sighing, the werewolf turned away from the window and sank down onto the edge of the bed. Burying his face in his hands, he let out a small whimper of despair as he tried unsuccessfully to block the morning from his mind.
…Skin that was so, so tempting, lips that were eager and begging to be kissed…
Fighting back the urge to howl, Remus stood up abruptly, slamming his palm against the wall. His breathing was harsh in his ears as he stared sightlessly ahead of himself, and it took him several heartbeats to realise that his fingers were curling and uncurling.
Taking a deep breath, he exhaled slowly, fighting back the surge of memory and ran a shaking, distracted hand through his hair. Yes, Sirius had been a temptation, but if he was brutally honest with himself (and he forced himself to be) then he really should have been able to resist him.
So, it was voluntary then.
Not even wanting to think about that prospect, Remus sat down again. Cradling his chin in his hands, he stared sightlessly at the floor. The sun streamed through the window, warming his face and outside he could hear the distant chatter of birds and the soft sounds of nature.
Gaze roving the room, his eyes eventually came to rest on a slim leather book, left carelessly on the floor by Sirius's bed. Curiosity getting the better of him, Remus stooped forwards and picked it up. Fingers tracing the cover, he flipped it open to a random page and began to read.
'September 17th
Peter talked to me last night. He's worried – I don't blame him. Everyone knows our Lord is planning something, but none of us are entirely sure what. I've got a bad feeling about it, anyway. This morning Snape made a couple of remarks that insinuated he, at least, knew what was going to happen, and that it would affect me.
Maybe I'm just being a little bit paranoid. Probably.
Still, I'd rather someone told me what was going on; I didn't suffer through hell and back just to be kept in the dark. I suppose my one consolation is that Lucius doesn't know what's happening either – if he did, he'd be UNBEARABLE.
September 18th
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.
I found out what was happening – but too late, far too late.
Peter came to me in a terrible state last night. He'd overheard Voldemort talking to the Lestranges. They were going to go to a house and kill two people, he told me, and these two people were…
Remus snapped the book shut with a sharp curse under his breath. He'd found Sirius's diary, of course, and no matter how much he would have liked an insight into the other man's mind, he refused to stoop so low as to invade his privacy.
Placing the book carefully back where he'd found it, he rubbed his eyes, which were aching. 'Odd,' he thought vaguely, 'I'm not feeling very well.' Placing an unsteady hand to his suddenly hurting head, he blinked as the room swam slightly. 'What on earth is going on here?'
Er… The wolf stirred at the back of his mind. I could be wrong, but…I think it might be this. Its presence shifted slightly, revealing a small, hard feeling at the back of his mind. This new sensation glittered in Remus' mind's eye, a pale, shimmering white.
"A spell? Why didn't you tell me earlier?" The werewolf gritted his teeth as the wolf laughed, an apple flavoured emotion that was not his own.
Because it links us to Him, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, It said.
"Idiot! If you had told me earlier we might have…"
Escaped? The wolf's voice had a great deal of dry irony in it, I doubt it – they would only have found us again.
"Idiot!" Remus snarled, forgetting to lower his voice.
Hardly, the wolf was clearly irritated; It wasn't me that was attracted to him in the first place.
"You're lying."
No, I'm not. Besides, I'm not human, how could I feel attraction to one of your species? It was you, only you; I've simply been a scapegoat from the start.
"That's not…" The words stuck in Remus's throat.
A beautiful smile with the backdrop of the first roses…the spark of defiance and determination in sharp, smoky eyes…sleek black hair…
'Oh gods…'
You see? The wolf sounded patient, almost as though he were simply gently chiding.
"It's true…you're right. I…it's true." Remus froze, a trembling hand gripping the bedcovers beneath him, balling them in his fist. 'Oh GOD!'
'What the?!' A new voice entered his mind, and Remus grabbed his head, whimpering in panic, even as the wolf retreated hastily, fading from the back of his mind. In its place, the spell gleamed with a cold hardness. 'R-Remus?'
'I'm going mad," Remus thought dreamily, 'I'm hearing voices in my head and they sound like Sirius.'
'A fine bloody mess this is, then,' the voice grumbled, 'if you're going mad, I must be too, since I can hear YOU in MY head.'
'…Oh.'
'Yes, 'oh'.' Sirius's voice rang with impatience, 'Now what in the name of Merlin is going on, if you please?'
'Er…' Remus thought hard for a moment, eyebrows knitted in concentration. 'Wait! The spell!'
'Spell? What spell?' Innocence coated Sirius's voice like honey.
'That spell you've put on me, you…''Oh THAT spell. No, that wasn't me.'
'Then who-?'
'Voldemort.' The voice was serious. 'My Lord didn't want you vanishing without a trace – it links us, see?'
'But,' Remus rubbed his temples, trying to dispel the headache that was building there, 'That doesn't explain why you've suddenly 'appeared' in my head.'
'No…' Sirius's voice was thoughtful, 'Maybe this is supposed to happen?'
'I doubt it.'
There was a long, awkward pause, before Sirius's voice returned. 'It might be because you were thinking of me at the time…' He sounded horribly embarrassed, Remus realised. 'You never know…maybe it was triggered by, er, strong emotion or…something.'
''Strong emotion.'' Remus looked thoughtful.
'Yeah. Look, whatever it is, we'll figure it out. Give me a couple of minutes and I'll meet you out in the courtyard. We'll go for a walk.'
"So…"
"So…" Remus repeated, turning his head to look out over the landscape.
The two wizards had walked a good two miles outside of the village in awkward silence. The only sound had been the soft sound of the birds and the occasional indignant splutter from Sirius as he had inadvertently tripped into random potholes along the path. Remus, naturally, had avoided them with his sharper eyesight and higher attention span. Climbing a hill, Sirius had pointed out a stout looking oak tree, under which they'd both sat, uncomfortably aware of how awkward the atmosphere between them was.
"What was all that about, this morning?" Sirius said suddenly, eyes fixed on Remus.
The werewolf knotted his fingers in his lap, biting his lip. "This morning…" He said softly, swallowing hard.
"Mm." Despite the tense topic, Sirius looked astoundingly relaxed.
"I can't explain it." Amber eyes turned towards the Death Eater, and Remus's expression was worried and unbearably serious. "I really can't." He closed his eyes, a small sigh escaping his lips. "I didn't think about it. It was instinct."
"The werewolf side of you?" Sirius sounded genuinely curious as he shifted slightly closer, sitting up straighter and crossing his legs.
And this was what Remus had been dreading. Taking a deep breath, he stared straight into Sirius' eyes. "No."
"I see." Sirius nodded almost absently and leant back against the tree trunk with a small thump. Chewing his lower lip, he drummed his fingers against his jean clad knee, grey eyes flitting across the view from the top of the hill. "Not instinct, huh?"
"No."
Another long pause – this time slightly less awkward; more thoughtful. Remus frowned, picking at a blade of grass as his gaze turned downwards. Suddenly, a slim hand reached into his vision, grasping his fingers in a warm grip. Startled, the werewolf looked up into smiling grey eyes.
"You're a puzzle, Remus Lupin." Barely more than a whisper, but full of warmth – making the sentence almost like a private joke between the two of them. "I don't think I've ever met anyone who has confused me as much as you." Dimples around the full lips, a small smile that, Remus realised, was meant purely for him. "You and your noble attitude, your simple view of life and what is right…" Sirius shook his head, grip tightening on Remus's hand, "You're so strange."
"Strange?" Remus found his own voice was a whisper.
"Strange." Sirius said firmly, and for the first time, Remus saw honest truth in his eyes, "But you make me a better person." He let out a small, slightly hollow laugh. "Damnit, this is not supposed to have happened."
"What's not?"
"I – "
There was the sound of cursing from the other side of the hill, and both men jumped to their feet, startled. The bushes behind the oak tree rustled furiously and a figure emerged from them, brushing twigs, leaves and bits of dirt from his messy, dark hair.
Remus's mouth fell open. "James?"
The man looked up, glasses askew on his nose, expression startled. "Remus?" He blinked, frozen to the spot as he stared at his missing friend with an expression that was a cross between disbelief and just plain relief. "You're all right?"
"I…Yes…" Remus shook his head, trying to get over the sudden abrupt appearance of his friend. "Why on earth are you here?" He managed eventually, unable to think of anything else to say.
"I came to rescue you." James's hazel eyes darted past Remus and caught sight of Sirius, who was standing just behind him, a curious expression on his face. "Who's this?"
"Uh…" Remus's expression was slightly dazed. "This is Sirius, James."
"Black!" In a split second, James's wand was out and pointing straight at Sirius, who looked considerably startled by the rapid reaction of the Auror. "You kidnapped him," he snarled, advancing on Sirius, rage in his face. "Do you have any idea the amount of suffering you have caused myself and the rest of our friends?"
Sirius backed away slowly, cursing his lack of common sense. His wand, he realised with a sinking feeling, was sitting back in his room at the castle and he had nothing with which to defend himself against the enraged man. His gaze darted to Remus, who was staring at the scene in horror, but not moving. So, no help there, either. "Look," He said reasonably, holding up his hands to show his was unarmed, "I haven't done anyth–"
"Shut up!" James snarled, levelling his wand at the Death Eater's heart. "I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses. I know all about you, Black." His lip curled in disgust, face twisted with fury. "And if you think I'm going to spare your life after the hell you've put me through…"
"James." Remus's voice lashed out like the crack of a whip, causing the Auror to pause, although his eyes never left Sirius's face. "Leave him alone."
"Remus, he's responsible for the deaths of innocents, he kidnapped you, I am NOT letting him get away."
Sirius nearly laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Not two minutes ago, everything had started to seem right in the world. 'Once again, God kicks me in the shins and spits on my upturned face,' He thought ironically. 'Now, I'm about to be killed by a bloody idiot whose glasses aren't even on straight.'
"You." James spat, turning his attention back to Sirius.
As the Death Eater raised defiant eyes to meet his accuser's, the Auror screamed a single word: "Stupefy!"
'Oh,' Thought Sirius, as he felt the spell hit, 'I'm in for it now.'
And the world faded to black.
To Be Continued…CB: Not at all happy with this chapter, I really don't think it flows at all, but I'm too tired to change it now. Oh well, the next chapter really starts to kick things off.