This is the actual book The Beater's Bible. All rules about fouls and such come from Quidditch Through The Ages. Enjoy!
The Beater's Bible
By: Brutus Scrimgeour
If you have picked up this book, it means that you have aspirations to become a Beater. Whether you are professional, playing for school, or on your first recreational league, you've embarked on a thrilling, fulfilling, and challenging position that is a must for every team.
As a Beater, your job is to handle the bludgers. You and your fellow Beater will be given the responsibility of looking after your team-mates, protecting your seeker, and causing the general melee. So read on for the 'Cannon Laws' of Beaterdom.
Rule #1: TAKE OUT THE SEEKER!
Despite the fact that Chasers often score many goals, and your team's keeper lets in few, more often than not a game's fate remains in the hands of the seeker. Your team has an excellent seeker no doubt (otherwise he'd have been sacked ages ago), but so does your opponent. Eliminate the competition, thereby giving your seeker free reign and no worries. Also remember to protect your own Seeker.
Rule #2: Anger management classes are bad things
You need all of the energy you can to thwack that bludger and unseat your opposition. This energy can come in any and all sorts of forms. Anger is a very good form of this energy. Take the things in your life and blame them upon the other team (sure, this may seem unfair, but deal with it in therapy). Channelling your anger towards your rivals might be the dividing line between those opposing Chasers scoring that goal.
Rule #3: Be prepared to fight dirty
Your Quidditch team is like your second family. You'd do what it takes to protect your family right? Well then fight like you mean it! Show no mercy and take no prisoners! Fighting dirty is your job.
Rule #4: It's up to you to commit the most serious fouls. Don't let your teammates down
More will come on this later. For now, all you need to know is that it's your job to keep the other team in check.
Rule #5: Your arms are one of your most important assets; keep 'em in tip-top form
Swingin' that bat is not only fun, but also a necessity. You gotta make sure that your arms are totally up for the job. Keep them working well and free of fractures. Drink lots of milk and maybe take up an instrument in your spare time. The Violin, Viola, or Cello is an excellent way to keep arms strong.
Rule #6: In addition to your strong arms, you need to weaken the arms of others
Those little balls of iron are for more than going crazy on their own. Use 'em and whack a few people. Since arms are an absolute need in this game, your team will love you for breaking those of your opponent.
Rule #7: If your bones break, suck it up until after the game
Sorry to say, but this is a standard rule regardless of position. Once you begin play you know that there will be no injury substitution. You are an important player on this team just like anyone else and your support and participation can make or break a match. A quick mend will occur after the game. The pain will go away, but your triumphs will last forever! I mean, a few broken bones never hurt Dangerous Dai did they?
Rule #8: Once the Seeker is out of the way, get rid of the others.
Unseating them is a wonderful way to begin. There are few things as satisfying as watching your opponent fall to the Earth from his/her broom and get carted off the field by Medi-wizards. Give yourself a pat on the back!
Rule #9: When you do break their bones, break vital ones
Phalanges, Carpals, and Tarsals? Far too small! Think big! The bigger the bones, the more pain they cause upon impact! Leg and arm bones are always a great aim, as without these, a player may not be able to grip the Quaffle or his/her broom.
Rule #10: If the other team walks off the field intact, you haven't completely done your job
This is part of that whole getting rid of your opposition plan. See Rule #4. Do what you need to do and act accordingly. Be creative and ruthless. Also take special care that the Refs do not eject you from the game for your fouls. White lies are OK.
Rule #11: Treat the bludger as if it were your worst enemy
Remember that Potions teacher who said you'd never amount to anything? Or your prissy sister who squealed at the least little thing? Just imagine the face of the person you'd like to smack most on the bludger! Be it a teacher, boss, or co-worker, go for it and send him flying! Just remember what you've read about anger…
Rule #12: Formations are wimpy; if the opposition starts to get into one, break it up pronto!
Yes, yes, but your team NEEDS formations! Or do they? Think about it, does your team really do the Hawkshead Attacking Formation? Or do they have moves so severe and intricate that the other team's eyes are spinning? Block off any sort of play position as soon as you see it coming.
Rule #13: Make sure that your team doesn't get too bloodied up. Feel free to make the others bleed as you wish.
You know the drill; your team is like a family. Protect 'em, guard 'em, and do what you need to. Your job is to protect your team. Give it your all.
Rule #14: Smash the Keeper
Knock him through the hoops; break his broom, anything you need. Make sure those hoops empty for your team to score more times than a drunk in a brothel!
Rule #15: Squash a Chaser. Then allow your fellow beater the joy of squashing the second. As for the third, double-team him
All you need to know is that if he/she runs take him down… With your bats!
Rule #16: Keep wands handy and frame the crowd
Remember Rule #4 and being creative? Here's a wonderful start. During Quidditch matches when tensions run high and fans are passionate, who's to say one won't try anything funny on a player? Or so you can make it seem… The well placed spell that knocks a player out and looks like a disgruntled Quidditch spectator could keep your team in the up and up.
Rule #17: Watch the Ref
Don't kill him/her. Just make sure that he/she is never around to see what bad things you do. Having your chasers or even fellow beater create a diversion is always helpful. In short: Keep behind his/her back, and keep him/her in your sight.
Rule #18: Noses can make excellent targets
'Nuff said.
Rule #19: Heads can look like bludgers from a certain angle
Like I said, you need to be creative. No one says that you have to hit the person, just make him/her fear for dear life.
Rule #20: Remember, there are no subs during a match, so knock off as many as you please!
Subs are only employed during extreme play sessions in which games last through out a day or longer. During this time, players may be swapped out for the purposes that they need sleep food and water. Other than that, an injured player's position is open and the opposing team has a weak link. Make it happen.
You've now covered the twenty cardinal rules of being a Beater. So get out there, swing your bats and break some heads! And always remember: TAKE OUT THE SEEKER!
OK, so those are the rules that The Unforgiven and I created. After this is an epilogue of what Ginny does with her new-found knowledge! Happy Trails R&R!
Brown Eyed Faerie-