Iris
By Symee-Sama
WARNING: Curse words, blood imagery
Author's Note: Nothing to say really... just that damn, I hope I do this song justice... oh yeah, Gundam Wing isn't mine.
././And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you feel me somehow././
"And it is my sincere hope that through my efforts, all children of the colonies will get the education and support services that they need." Relena smiled, and the delegates erupted into applause. It was now law that each child got the things that they needed to survive and succeed in this world. Through government programs they could train to be pilots, teachers even government delegates. Now that the ESUN had lowered the defense budget, they could divert their money to other, more worthwhile causes.
Although there were still some who were insistent on maintaining the defense budget. Who insisted on extra guards for them, and for her. A terrorist attack is imminent they all said, but she'd laughed at them. They had been a peace for ten years now, and Relena doubted that aside from a small cache of weapons that only the highest level of diplomats had access to, that there was anything that could be used to threaten her life.
She smiled again, shaking hands of what seemed like endless delegates, reiterating her principles, and beliefs over and over again. "Yes Senator Samura," Relena's took his smooth hand into hers. "Everyone deserves a proper chance at life, even if it draws a bit more from the budget than expected, and of course, the ESUN is now able to reallocate funds from the defense budget."
She smiled brightly as he asked a question. "No, there was no imminent war that would need the production of weapons. The world is at peace now, and even if there were weapons left, the amount that we have in storage would be more than enough."
She turned away from him, letting her smile fall from her face, and the exhaustion that she felt show on her face. "Rough day?" a voice sounded behind Relena, snapping her out of her daze. She looked around slightly disoriented by the sudden lack of people. When had she wandered back stage?
A hand fell on her shoulder, again snapping her out of her thoughts, and she turned to see Heero standing behind her, his eyes betraying his concern for her. "Not rough," Relena shook her head, her head spinning from a combination of exhaustion and desire. "Just long." She smiled again, her first genuine one of the day. "It seems that some want to increase the defense budget instead of decrease it."
"It's not necessarily a bad idea," Heero told her as he took her hand and led her to the elevator. "You can't be too cautious." Relena leaned against him as the elevator doors closed, relaxing when his arms wrapped around her.
"There's a word for people like you," she muttered into his chest, "Nothing's going to happen to me. This is a time of peace, Heero, and manufacturing more weapons will destroy it." He pushed her away, looking at the circles under her eyes.
"You've been working too hard," he noted, grabbing her roughly by the arm, and half leading, half dragging her down the hall to her office. "You have no appointments this afternoon?" He asked, sitting her on the couch, and walking over to her desk.
"I'm supposed to meet with Quatre for a late lunch," she said quietly, pressing a hand to her forehead in a futile effort to ease its pounding. "We haven't seen each other for awhile, and we were going to get together to reminisce."
"Consider it canceled," Heero said as he picked up the phone. "Quatre will understand. Sleep." He ordered when she began to protest. "You need it."
Relena opened her mouth to argue, but yawned instead, blinking several times before closing her eyes, and leaning back against the couch. He was wrong, she wasn't tired. She thought as he talked to Quatre. But surely it wouldn't hurt to rest her eyes for a few moments...
She was asleep before her head hit the couch arm.
....
././You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now././
When Relena opened her eyes, she was surprised to find Heero's arms around her. He didn't usually stay, not trusting himself to keep their friendship platonic. She snuggled closer to him, ignoring his sleepy protests. She understood how he felt, she had trouble keeping their relationship at a 'just friend' level.
She looked at his sleeping form, marveling at how different he looked when he was asleep. He looked much more at peace, and it was as if the war never happened, and he was nothing more than any average Joe.
Unable to stop herself, she brushed a kiss across his forehead, silently hoping that his dreams were filled with happiness and light. She knew that he'd had nightmares after the war. They all had, and everyone, including herself, had managed to move past them, and their memories of the war. They hadn't forgotten. It was impossible to forget the horrors that they'd had to witness, but they had managed to continue on with their lives, and let the past go.
But not Heero. He held onto his memories of the war tightly, not speaking of them, but never letting himself forget about them. Relena had seen his face when he was remembering. The pained and haunted look in his eyes that not even she could make go away. It was penance, he'd told her once. It was all he could do for the people who he'd killed aside from taking his own life.
She hadn't been able to help him with his grief. It was too deep for her to comprehend. She had never taken a life, had never killed an innocent, and she couldn't relate to his past. It was his preoccupation with the past, and her inability to understand it that had driven them apart all those years ago.
They'd had feelings for each other, still had feelings for each other, but had been unable to act on them. The past always was there, like a wall between them, and even though they had tried, neither had been able to move beyond it.
Moments like these though... They almost made Relena believe that it could've been done, that if they had stuck with it just a bit longer, things might have turned out differently, but they had walked away. Her burying herself in her work, and him simply disappearing. She paused, trying to think of what her life would be like. Would she be married to him? Would they have kids?
She had to grin at the thought of Heero chasing little children around the house, and cleaning up household messes. Would he be a good father? She supposed that he would be. He was better with Quatre's children than she was although you never would have thought it by looking at him.
Her thoughts shifted, thinking about what would happen when she went home. The deception and lies that were waiting for her there. Sighing slightly, she turned away from him, not wanting to cry in front of him, even if he was asleep. This was her fault, and she would have to deal with the consequences one day, but not now. She didn't even want to think of them right now.
././And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life././
Heero stirred, his movements slow from prolonged sleep, and turned his eyes toward her. "Relena?" he whispered, his voice gentle, his arms reaching around to hold her again. "Relena what's wrong?"
"Nothing," she said embarrassedly, wiping the tears from her face. "I'm just being silly."
"You're never silly." Heero corrected her, pulling her tight against him. "Just less coherent at times." He smiled at her, but it faded quickly when she didn't respond. "Relena, please... tell me what's wrong."
"I don't want to go home," Relena said, tears welling in her eyes again. "Why can't things be different? Why can't we make things work?"
"You know the answer to that," Heero replied gruffly, his own pain evident only in his eyes. "I love you, Relena, but we can't. We both know that." She shifted slightly, and desire speared through his body. It had been too long. "Fuck it," he whispered, and pulled her even closer to him. "I hate this, Relena."
She sat up and looked at him, her eyes widening when she realised that he was serious. "Heero..." She began, "I..." His mouth covered hers, ending all attempts at conversation. She clung to him, losing herself in the sensation, delighting in the waves of heat that rolled down her body.
It had been too long.
././'Cause sooner or later it's over, and I don't want to miss you tonight././
She moaned his name, needing him more than she ever had before, and knowing in the back of her mind that what she was doing was wrong. Using every ounce of will power that she had, she pushed him back, and moved away from him. "We shouldn't be doing this," her voice shook as she tried to gather her composure. "People will find out."
"Is that what you're worried about?" Heero snapped, still amazed at the way she could hurt him with a few mere words. "You're not worried about how this will affect you or me, and everything our lives encompass? You're just worried about your damn reputation! Well it doesn't matter because everyone knows about us!" Her eyes widened and he laughed unkindly. "Do you think that they're blind? They've known for months."
"Everyone?"
He nodded, and she let out a low moan, burying her head in her hands. This time he didn't move to help her, simply eyed her warily. "I'm ending this, Relena." He forced his voice to be cold. "I can't do this anymore. Whatever I feel for you... it's wrong. I can't hurt him like this."
"You're putting Duo before me?" Her eyes watered again, and she brushed away her tears angrily. "Maybe it's true then. The rumours about you and him. Have you been fucking him, Heero? Have you just been bouncing between the two of us unable to decide which one you want?"
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"Is it?" Relena snapped, wanting to hurt him as much as he hurt her. "How long has this been going on? The rumours have been around since the end of the war. Did you think of him while you were with me? Was I nothing?"
"Are you finished talking out of your ass?" Heero broke in, grabbing her arms and shaking her. "You haven't been listening to a word that I've said. Duo and I are friends, nothing more, and you know better than anyone that he's not gay. He's married for God's sake!"
"Quatre was too for awhile," Relena said sullenly, trying to wrench herself from his grip.
"But everyone knew that was a sham," Heero growled, knowing where this was going.
"And what makes Duo's marriage any different? You know it's a sham, I know it's a sham and he knows it's a sham. There's no love there, Heero! There never was any!"
"That's also bullshit," Heero said quietly. "He loved Hilde with all his heart, and when she died it nearly killed him, but he's learned to live with it. He'll always love her, Relena, there's no changing that, but he loves you too, and he's willing to make your marriage work."
"How... how do you know this?" Relena stammered, sinking to the floor.
"He told me," Heero knelt beside her, unsure of how to act. "He told me how at the beginning he thought of your marriage as a mistake, but as time passed, he grew to love you, and wants to make your marriage work more than anything in the world.
"He was almost crying because he knew that you were seeing someone else, and he was afraid of losing you." He cupped her chin, forcing her to look at him. "So I'm going to end this. I won't hurt him anymore."
"I don't believe you," Relena's voice was flat, and she reached for Heero, wanting his warmth. "He doesn't love me, and this marriage will never work."
"I know it won't," Heero evaded her hand, and made his way towards the door, "because you're not even trying." He took one last look at her before he left, and his heart broke to see the tears streaming down her face. "Consider this my two weeks notice." He said stiffly, and then was gone.
././And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand././
Relena stayed where she was for a long time after he left. Minutes turning into hours as she thought about what she had learned. It couldn't be true could it? She got up and looked out her office window, letting her head rest against the glass.
Heero loved her, but did Duo? Was it really her fault that there was no love between them? Was it really her who was killing their marriage? She sank to the floor again, and watched the city life below her, trying to make everything go away.
When she was younger, she had dreamed of a handsome prince who would take her away, and make her into a princess. And she had found him. She had found the 'prince of the stars' and for awhile, everything had been wonderful for a little while, but there had always been a shadow hanging over her fairy tale.
The memories of the people he had killed haunted him, never letting him forget. So he had left, and she had struggled to move on, even going so far as to agree to a marriage with a friend. Neither of them had had any real feelings for each other. They had both done it to escape the shadows of past lovers.
She had been trying to forget about Heero and the pain of his disappearance, and he'd had Hilde to forget. Hilde had been driving home from work, and had been broadsided by a drunk driver. The doctors said that she'd been killed instantly, but it didn't help. Nothing could make her go away... and it had destroyed their marriage.
Hadn't it? Relenathought. Was it me who pushed him away? Was it me who refused to move on while he tried to help me? Is this my fault?
She shook her head slightly, it couldn't be. She had tried hadn't she? She'd tried to forget Heero... Tears streamed unchecked down her face. This had been going on too long, and Heero was right, it was time to end this.
But she was still scared, and as she turned away from the window, she knew, in the back of her mind, that what happened tonight could destroy her life.
....
././And you can't find the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies././
When she got home, she found Duo waiting for her, a book lying unopened on his lap. "You're still up?" She asked, unable to keep her guilt from sleeping into her voice. "You didn't have to wait up for me." She forced a smile, and dropped her briefcase on the couch.
"I was worried about you," Duo stood up, and grabbed her arm before she could retreat to their bedroom. "We have to talk Relena. What's going on? We said that we'd try to make this marriage work when we realized what the hell we'd done, but you won't even talk to me. So tell me, what the hell's going on?"
"I've just been working a lot," Relena smiled brightly, knowing that he could see through her act. "There are concerns with my proposal to lower the defense budget, and I've been working overtime to address their concerns."
"You're lying," Duo's grip tightened on her arm until she winced. "I know you are. So tell me, what have you been doing? Who have you been with Relena?" He let her go, and paced around the room, running a hand through his bangs.
"You already know the answer to that," she said softly, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "I've been seeing Heero. I love him, Duo." She watched denial flicker across his face, and then watched as it was replaced by anger. "You knew this marriage was a sham, we both said it at the beginning."
"But we said we'd try to make it work! We both agreed to this Relena!" He picked up a glass figurine and threw it against the wall. "I've done my best for this marriage. I know I wasn't a good husband in the beginning... but I love you Relena! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Relena blinked rapidly to hide her tears. "I don't love you," she cried at him "you knew that I didn't! We both knew this marriage would never work!" She sank onto the couch, sobbing openly now. "For God's sake, Duo! We were drunk and got married in a cheap little chapel in Las Vegas, and when we woke up the next morning, we said that we'd tried to make it work, but we both knew that it would never happen!"
"Oh course it didn't," Duo yelled back, "because you never tried!"
Relena recoiled as if she had been slapped. Heero had said that to her, less than two hours ago. She curled into a ball, rocking back and forth. She kept hurting them. The two most important men in her life were being hurt by her.
././When everything feels like the movies. Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive././
She looked up after what seemed like an eternity and saw that Duo was gone, probably stormed off in a righteous rage to be comforted by whoever would listen, she thought bitterly. She shifted her attention to the small mess in her apartment. There was no need to call her housekeeper for this, it was just a bit of broken glass after all.
Determined, she set to work, picking up the pieces of glass with her bare hands, and depositing them in the garbage can. She picked up a fairly large piece, twisting it in her hands, thinking. She felt so numb, so lost... if she clenched her fist around the glass, would she even bleed?
Her mind far away, she gently drew the glass across the palm of her hand, gasping softly at the pain that speared through her. Curious with the sensation, she watched as blood welled up in the shallow cut she had made. It hadn't hurt that much...
She drew it across her palm again, cutting deeper this time, letting the physical pain chase away all her problems. Again and again, she cut herself, smiling grimly as the room throbbed around her, and blood dripped down her hand, staining the carpet.
Awareness slowly made its way back to her, and her eyes widened at the blood dripping down her arm. What had she done? What was she thinking? Shame washed over her, and she made her way to the bathroom to clean the cuts, weaving slightly.
She didn't allow herself to think until the last of the blood was swirling down the drain, didn't allow herself to think until her hand had been cleaned and sterilized. She closed her eyes, resting her forehead in her good hand.
What had she been thinking? Doing something like that to herself. It was wrong. It was terribly, terribly wrong, but still... while she had been doing it, it had been more than right. It had been heaven. A wonderful mix of pain and lethargy that chased away her problems, and made the world right, even if only for a little while.
She knew that she wasn't supposed to think like that. It wasn't a way of thinking that had society's approval, quite the opposite in fact... but had it been wrong? If it made things go away, if it made the world better was it wrong?
She shook her head slightly to clear it. These were things that would be more understandable with a fresh mind, and a cup of coffee. She would think about it in the morning, and would deal with the mess between her, Duo, and Heero.
././And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand././
Still groggy, she made her way over to her bedroom, fully intending to sleep when something caught her eye. A shadowy figure stood in her balcony, a grim smile on his face. "What are you doing here?" She asked as she opened the door to let him in.
"I had to see you," he whispered, drawing her close, and crushing her against his chest. "Damn me to Hell for being this weak, but I had to see you." He grabbed her hand, noticing the pain that clouded her eyes when he did. "Relena?" He ran his thumb gently over her hand, not even needing to look at her palm to know that the cuts were there. "What have you done?"
"I made a choice," she said, her eyes downcast, "and I don't think I regret it." He led her to a chair, and forced her to sit down, leaving the room, only to reappear moments later with a cool cloth and water. "I don't regret it, Heero."
"This is wrong," he chided her, doing his best to be gentle as he cleaned her cuts. "This isn't the way to solve your problems. You're only running from them this way." He looked into her eyes, saw the blankness there, a familiar haunting look that sent shivers down his spine. He had seen that look too often on his own face.
"You're one to talk," she muttered, snapping him from his reverie. She pulled away from the now bloody cloth, and turned his own hands up to face the light. In the dim glow of the moon, the faded scars on his wrists glowed white, a permanent reminder of his past mistakes.
"I know that what I did was wrong, and now I'm trying to get you to realize it." Heero ignored the memories that welled up within him, trying to call him back to the days when there was nothing in his life. Only angry ghosts and short, bloody escapes into nothingness. "I almost destroyed myself by doing this, and I don't want to see the same thing happen to you."
"It's not your choice," Relena looked away from him, cradling her cut hand to her chest. "It's my choice, and you can't tell me it's wrong."
"I love you, Relena," Heero growled, pulling her hand into the light, forcing her to look at the ugly lines that crisscrossed the palm. "And Duo loves you. Do you know how much it hurts for me to see you like this? Do you know how much it will hurt him?"
Will you never stop hurting them? A small voice in the back her mind whispered, bringing tears to her eyes.
"It... it makes things go away." She buried her face in her hands, unable to stop the tears from flowing. "I know it's wrong... I know that it hurts people, but it makes things go away!" She felt Heero's arms circle her, and leaned back into his embrace. "I know I'm running, and that it will catch up with me one day, but I... I don't care! I want it to be happy!"
"And does this make you happy?" Heero asked her, his eyes solemn as he gestured towards her hand. "Because if you can truthfully tell me that it does, then I won't say another word about it."
"No," she admitted, her hair falling forward to cover her face. "It doesn't, but still... it makes the world go away. It makes all the bad things go away, and replaces them with a...a blankness, a void. I like that feeling Heero, I like being in that void."
"I know," he whispered, kissing her hands. "I know better than anyone how it feels, but it doesn't make things go away forever. Just for a little while, and when they come back they seem worse than ever. Plus, you make the good things go away when you cut too. All the happy times fade as the blood starts to flow."
"What else can I do?"
"When I felt this way, I turned to you, asking you for your support, and help through one of the hardest times of my life." He shifted slightly and lowered his mouth to her ear. "Do the same thing. Come to me or Duo, and just ask... Both of us would help you in a heart beat. Whether it's to talk or just for the contact. We'll be there."
"I couldn't ask that of you. I don't want to take advantage of you."
"You can ask it of me." Heero corrected gently. "And it's not taking advantage of me if I offered to help you. Honestly Relena, you can tell me anything and I won't judge you for it."
Relena nodded sleepily, and Heero smiled into her hair. "Sleep," he ordered her for the second time that day. "You still need it."
././When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am././
Relena woke up alone, exactly as she thought she would. Heero was too prudent to be caught sleeping with her. She shifted, stretching her sore muscles, and wondering if it had been nothing but a dream. A sharp twinge of pain erased that thought. Whatever had happened last night, the cuts on her hands were real.
She walked through the house in a daze, slightly surprised that she was still off balance. Could she be this affected by the little amount of blood that she'd lost last night? She shook her head slightly to reassure herself. It wasn't possible. It couldn't affect her this much.
She made her way to the kitchen, and smiled when she found a cup of coffee waiting for her. It was just like Heero to do something like this for her. She leaned against the counter, closing her eyes and savouring the simple pleasure of caffeine in the morning.
"You like the coffee?" Her eyes shot open, staring at a very smug, but tired looking Duo. "Heero told me everything." He began awkwardly, gesturing with his hands. "We came to terms with most things, and I think that he's right.
"I can't help you with this, Relena," he shrugged helplessly, "not with the cutting anyway. I have no idea of how to help you, but I can ease off on the personal side of your life. I talked to your secretary. She's canceling all unnecessary appointments."
"What gives you the right to do that?" Relena asked indignantly. She felt like he had invaded her personal space. Like she had been violated somehow, but looking into his eyes, she knew that he meant her no harm. "What gives you the right to dictate my appointments and how I run my life?"
"I'm your husband," Duo said easily, "doesn't that allow me to look out for you?"
"Husband in name only!" Relena spat, unsure why she wanted to hurt him so much. All she knew was that it wasn't fair that this was tearing her apart and he was breezing through it. She was suffering and he was playing at the hero, trying to ease her pain. The pain that he'd had a hand in.
"I want to change that," Duo said, and for a moment, his cheerful façade fell, and Relena could see the pain in his eyes, and the defeated slump his shoulders took. "Please, Lena... Give me a chance. We can make this work you and I."
Relena nodded. Whatever their differences, she owed him this. "I'll try," she promised, trying to ignore the false ring in her voice.
....
././And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand././
It had been a long day, Relena decided as she cleaned up her desk, and filed her papers in their proper places. Yes, it had been a hard day, and it wasn't even half over yet. She supposed that the stress that radiated from home wasn't helping at all.
For months now, her and Duo had tried to make their marriage work. Had put an honest effort into loving and cherishing each other in the way that both of them deserved, but still, they found themselves blocked by her love of Heero.
She did love Duo, there was no doubt of that, but she loved Heero more, and in a way that she could not begin to explain. Duo was beginning to understand this, she believed, and more and more at home, both of them found themselves going through the motions.
These last few months had been hard on Heero too. He'd tried to be as supportive as possible. Keeping his relationship with Relena strictly platonic. He'd even cut out most physical contact, and always managed to keep a respectful distance from her, but she could see that it was hard on him to move away. Hard on him to watch the two people he cared for the most, struggle with each other and try to find a way to forget him.
Her heart ached for him, but she had promised to give it her best try, and she would. She glanced down at the nearly healed cuts on her hands. She had been better with the cutting too. She'd managed to stop for almost three weeks now.
Usually she'd only last a week before she relapsed into the deep depression that she could never seem to escape, and every time she did, it seemed worse than it was originally. Every time she did, the unmistakable truth was pounded into her mind.
She was not getting better.
She always reached a certain point and then backslid until she was at the beginning again. Heero told her that this was to be expected, but she couldn't see how. She felt absolutely miserable every single time that it happened, and she had learned not to be too hopeful when she seemed to be getting better.
Hope would get her nowhere, but back where she started.
"Mrs. Maxwell," a voice sounded behind her, startling her slightly. She had thought that she was alone in the office. "Mrs. Maxwell, there is a matter that I must discuss with you."
"How may I help you?" Relena turned around, biting back a scream when she found herself faced with the barrel of a gun. "What's the meaning of this? What do you want with me?"
"Your cooperation," the man shrugged, unaffected by her nonchalance. "Or you will meet the same sticky end as your receptionist. As I said there is a matter that I must discuss with you." He gestured for her to move onto the balcony. She complied silently, hiding her shaking hands by clasping them together.
"What is it you would like to talk about?" She asked, forcing her voice to remain calm, and her face to remain impassive as she looked at him, standing stiffly before the railing. "I'm not sure there is anything that I could help you with."
"You have power," the man replied, his eyes tinged with a maniacal light, "and with that power, you have knowledge that is of great interest to me. You mentioned to me once that there were weapons held in storage in the event that there was an attack on the ESUN. I want to know where that is, and how I can access it."
"I mentioned to you..." Relena's eyes clouded in confusion, only to widen in shock when she realized who it was that she was talking to. She barely recognized him with a gun in his hand, and the strange bulk underneath his jacket. "Senator Samura?"
He nodded. "Your cooperation is expected in this. If you do not comply, not only will you die, I will set off the bombs that I have placed in the foundations of this building. Think of how busy it is at this time of day, Mrs. Maxwell." His smile chilled her blood, and she knew that he was not lying. "I believe that this was the day that the children's convention was scheduled for? You were supposed to talk to the students later today on the policies of the ESUN so they could better understand the world that they lived in. A pity you won't be able to make it."
He didn't turn from her, didn't even shift his eyes from hers, but his voice rang through the air like a death knell. "Don't move, or I will kill the Vice Foreign Minister." He hissed, and for the first time Relena realized that Heero and Duo were standing on the other side of the glass.
"We've heard everything," Heero's voice was cold, conveying no emotion. "What you ask is impossible. It takes many people to access the vaults. The Vice Foreign Minister can't access them by herself." His gun was trained at Senator Samura's head.
"Then you'd better find a way to bypass that, hadn't you?" Samura wasn't perturbed in the least by this new complication. He would have his way or he would die, dragging many others down the hell with him.
Relena couldn't stay silent when she could save the lives of countless others. She looked at Heero, her eyes locking with his. "Aim for the head!" She shouted, a scream escaping her lips as Samura grabbed her by the throat, and pushed her back against the railing.
She heard the sound of a shot, and felt rather than saw the bullet enter Samura's body. His eyes widened, and then rolled into the back of his head. He fell on top of her, his weight crushing her against the railing... and pushing her over it.
The world seemed to slow down as she fell over the rail. She could see Duo and Heero rushing towards her, and knew that they would be too late. There would be no saving her this time. She closed her eyes, accepting her fate, and contenting herself with memories.
She saw herself and Heero, laughing, kissing, making love, and to her surprise, she also saw herself with Duo, and knew, in that instant, that if she had met Duo first, it would have been a very different story. She loved them both, and if nothing else, now she would stop hurting them both.
She could feel darkness surging in from the corners of her mind, and in the last moments before the darkness claimed her, she thought she felt strong arms surround her, and swore she could hear a voice whisper in her ear.
"I love you," it said, breaking her heart with the finality of it. "I love you."
././When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am././
....
././And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand././
Heero sprinted out onto the street, pushing people out of the way, ignoring their protests as they fell to the ground. They didn't matter. What mattered, the only thing that did matter, was that the woman he loved was dead and he hadn't been able to stop it.
Wiping tears from his eyes, he pushed his way to the center of the crowd, surprised to see that apart from some very bad bruises, she was unscathed. He knelt beside her, taking her into her arms, and seeing instantly what had happened.
"No," he whispered, not wanting to believe it. "Where's Duo?" He yelled to the crowd, and grabbed a random person, jerking them close to him. "Go to the embassy, and find a man named Duo Maxwell." He ordered, almost throwing the woman away from him.
Duo had been right behind him hadn't he? Heero had left the office as soon as Relena had fell, he'd known that there was no way that he could catch her, so he'd run downstairs, almost killing himself as he rushed to the streets with the naïve hope that she hadn't landed yet and that he could still save her. And he hadn't saved her, but she was still alive...
Tears ran unheeded down his face, he didn't care who saw him. He'd lost someone today, and despite their differences, he'd loved them. He reached behind Relena, to the bloody mess that she'd been lying in and pulling out a small piece of metal that confirmed his fears.
"Sir!" the woman he'd grabbed before shouted, "I couldn't find anyone by the name of Duo Maxwell, they all say that they hadn't seen him since he went up to the Vice Foreign Minister's office!"
"I know," Heero said in a small broken voice that was so unlike his earlier demeanor that the woman gasped. "I need you to do another favour for me. Go back into the embassy, and tell them that the Vice Foreign Minister is alive. Tell them to send medical aid."
The woman sprinted off through the crowd, but Heero hardly noticed that she was gone. He only had eyes for the woman in front of him, and the broken piece of jewelry he held in his hand. A hand fell heavily on his shoulder, and he whirled around, teeth bared, only to find himself face to face with a young paramedic.
"I'm sorry, Major Yuy," the man began, "but we need you to leave so we can treat the Vice Foreign Minister."
Heero nodded. "Take good care of her," he ordered, tears welling in his eyes again. "If she asks for me, I'll be in Maxwell Church."
"The Church, sir?" the young man looked puzzled, the major was well known for his atheism. It was what had made his association with the very religious Major Maxwell so unusual.
"Yes," Heero nodded, and turned away from the man, unable to stop the tears that ran down his face. "Take good care of her," he said again, and then was gone.
....
././When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am././
Relena woke slowly. The first thing that she realized was that she was in pain. Quite a lot of pain. Did one feel pain when they were dead? She wondered and opened her eyes, only to see sterile white walls, and the man she loved sitting beside her.
She wasn't dead, but how? Her mind scrounged for answers. She had fallen, she had been twenty stories up and she had fallen. No one was able to survive that. "Heero?" she rasped, and in an instant he was beside her, gripping her hand like a lifeline. "How come I'm not dead?"
"Duo," his voice was soft, as he pressed a piece of metal into her hand, and slowly, she raised her hand so she could see what it was. It was a cross, Duo's cross, the bottom broken into a jagged point, and stained with blood. "I thought he was right behind me," Heero's voice broke as he retold the story. "I shot Samura, and you were pushed over the edge, and I knew there was no way I could catch you. So I ran... I ran to the streets, and I thought he was right behind me.
"But he wasn't. I don't know exactly what happened, but I think he jumped over the rail. He went into a dive, and caught up with you, and then used his body to shield you from the ground. He's dead and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Just like I didn't think there was anything that I could do about you falling." He looked away from her. "It should've been me. He had so much more than me to live for. It should've been me."
"He made his choice," Relena said quietly, not sure how to respond to that. "Duo made his choice and we have to respect that. Don't demean his sacrifice by wishing that you were in his place." Her grip tightened around the cross, irritating the nearly healed scars across her hand. "Please... If I lost both of you, I don't know what I would do."
He didn't answer, simply crawled onto the hospital bed with her, and careful of her injuries, wrapped his arms around her. They didn't say anything, there was nothing that they could say that the other didn't already understand.
Eventually, Heero's breathing steadied, and Relena knew he was asleep, but she stayed awake, staring into the darkness, her hand still holding Duo's cross in a death grip. She could still hear him in her mind. Could still hear those last, desperately whispered words, could still feel his arms wrap around her. Could still picture him laughing in her mind's eye. He had been her salvation, but she had caused him nothing but pain.
I love you...
The words echoed in her head, bringing tears to her eyes. She loved him too. Why hadn't she realized it until it was too late?
././I just want you to know who I am..././
Author's Note: I don't really know how I feel about this fic, while I was writing it, the words just seemed to flow onto the page, and all my frustrations from my own life channeled into this fic, but now I don't know if it's too emotional, or corny, or if there are too many things crammed into one fic. Rereading it, I can see a million possible problems, but I have no idea how to fix them, so this version stays... especially since I can't seem to find a beta reader for my stuff. So what do you guys think? Credits to the Goo Goo Dolls for 'Iris'