A/N: This is a series of related songfics all from Michelle Branch's new CD Hotel Paper if you don't have it you should get it. All of the songs are about Ren and Tawny and their long relationship. indicates lyrics
Love Is Like A Proverbial Rollercoaster Ch.1: Tuesday Morning
I walked up to the school and drew my breath. This was my big day. I'd asked Tawny to meet me outside so I could show her her locker. I approached the building and immediately noticed the blue-eyed, raven-haired beauty who smiled and waved me over to her. She seemed more cheerful than normal which I took as a good sign. As I walked up to Tawny, I had an extreme desire to kiss her, if only we were in France. I settled for waving and awkwardly rubbing her shirt. It was silk and the exact color of her hair. I longingly wondered if that was just as soft. Tawny gave me an odd but satisfied look. "Soft," I said just as awkwardly as the action had been. Tawney went on like this hadn't happened.
"How are you?" She asked with real concern.
"Fine, good,"I squeaked. In my mind this hadn't been hard at all but now that the moment had arrived I was paralyzed by a fear of rejection.
So the day continued, I wanted to tell her but everyone and everything got in the way. I tried to confess one time when a bell rang and ruined the moment. The next time Louis showed up with flowers begging Tawny to take him back.She had glanced at me quickly, said no, and dragged me away by the arm. At that moment all I could think about was how I would later that day hear the same firm resonating tone behind the same terrifying word.
My real chance came as we were walking home from school. We had agreed to study after school and after swiftly dodging Louis we were walking alone together.
I remember stormy weather,
The way the sky looks when it's cold,
And you were with me,
Content with walking,
So unaware of the world.
I was picturing the disgusted look that would be seen on Tawny's face from my confession when I thought I heard Tawny muttering I love you under her breath. I glanced at her and she blushed looking away quickly. I decided I must have misheard. "It's a nice day," Tawny said smiling broadly. I loved it when she smiled, it made me feel like everything was perfect. It was the last summery day before fall set in. It brought with it the last storm of the season. The anvils flashing and thunderclaps in the distance gave the sky a gray look that seemed eerie and cold.
"I guess, if you like rain," I sighed looking up at the sky that shared my dread.
"I wasn't talking about the weather," Tawny grinned. She stopped and turned towards me, I did the same. Replacing her grin with a serious look she said, "Ren Stevens, I... I love you." This was bold and unexpected and I had no idea how to react. I looked around to make sure we were alone. The only living soul within sight was a squirrel and I figured he wouldn't tell. I took her left hand in mine and snaked my left arm around her and pressed her against me. My thighs became enflamed with the heat of her body and I kissed her slowly. The blissful moment seemed to last forever. When I let her go she pushed back a strand of hair from my face and kissed me lightly again. Then we turned away from each other and walked home holding hands.
Please don't drive me home tonight,
'Cause I don't wanna feel alone,
Please don't drive me home tonight,
'Cause I don't wanna go.
I flopped down on my bed and left room for Tawny. Awkwardly she sat on the edge of my bed. "Don't worry," I said,"We'll be home alone for another hour or so."
"Where's Louis?" Tawny asked.
"At Twitty's, and," I said, hastily cutting off her next question, "Even if he comes home my door is locked." She smiled at me and I knew she could tell I'd planned this. Knowing we could be physical only for this time Tawny siezed the moment. She layed down and snuggled close to me laying one leg on top of me. I turned to her and kissed her forehead snaking my arms behind her waist. She covered my face with kisses and I stroked her hair. It was silkier than her shirt though I can't imagine how. Then our lips met and after a few light kisses I ran my tounge across her lips and tasted her sweet warm tongue trickle into my mouth. It caressed mine and I bitterly wondered where she learned to kiss so well. After a few moments she broke away. I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding.
"I don't want to leave here." Tawny whispered, closing her eyes and taking it all in. "I don't want to go home to that cold and lonely place where I'm outside of your world."
"You don't ever have to," I said giving her an understanding look.
"Don't take me from you, at least for a night let me live in your world."
"You are right now."
"Let me spend the night," Tawny pleaded.
"We can't do this with them here."
"Oh, I know," She replied hastily, "I want to talk, to know the real you inside out."
"I want that too but that's why we have phones."
"It's not the same." After giving her a critical look I sighed and gave in.
"Fine."
Tuesday Morning,
In the dark,
I was finding out,
Who you are.
Deciding you want to get to know someone inside out over the course of one night seems an unachieveable feat but by the end of the night I knew the real Tawny Dean. I may not have known her inside out yet but I did know a different her, a hidden her. From the way she acted around most she seemed satisfied and although this wasn't an act she was satisfied for the simple fact of human interaction. She was always writing poems and by the end of the night I had read her entire book. Most of them were about loneliness or fear for I found as I got to know her she wasn't self-assured and fearless as she made out to be. Ironically one of her biggest fears was being alone. She gave me my two favorites. By letting me read these things Tawny was bearing her soul to me. I could tell she'd never let anyone read these words before and it amazed me that she let me in so naturally, so quickly. Her innocent trust was so naive and I knew I held her fragile heart in my hand. I'd be careful not to break it.
I took your picture,
While you were sleeping,
And then I paced around the room,
If I had known then,
That these things happen,
Would they have happened with you?
That night after hours of conversation and confession we decided to go to sleep. We snuggled close in my bed and Tawny closed her eyes asleep almost instantely. I however had alot more difficulty sleeping. I had been so happy when I discovered Tawny's feelings that I hadn't asked myself the difficult questions about our impending relationship yet. Now that I had time to think they were weighing heavily on my mind. How are we going to hide this? I stood up and began to pace fiddling with random things in my room. I picked up my camera and looked at Tawny through the lens. She was so peaceful and it was utterly adorable. I snapped a picture. I would keep it in a safe place once they were developed. Why did it have to be Tawny? She was Louis' only real crush and someone everyone including myself associated with Louis. Looking at her there I only felt slight remorse for my brother. On top of that I was preparing myself for my parents dissapointment if and when they discovered I was a lesbian closet-case, not to mention Louis' hurt face when to his horror Tawny would turn out to be one too. How long could we do this? These thoughts and more were swimming around in my head at breakneck speed so fast I had to sit on my bed to catch my breath. At this point I was exhausted and decided to pull a Scarlett O'Hara. Let's not think about that today I'll think about that tomorrow and I flopped on my bed and fell asleep.
Please don't drive me home tonight,
'Cause I don't wanna feel alone,
Please don't drive me home tonight,
'Cause I don't wanna go.
I walked down a darkened hallway toward a cracked open doorway with light streaming through it. Slowly I walked to the doorway growing more curious by the second. As I came to the door it opened on its own. The interior of the room was still like a picture, a moment captured in time. Both me and Tawny were lying on the bed kissing wrapped in nothing but a sheet. There was a bright flash of light and in my mind I heard Tawny say, "At least for one night let me live in your world." When the flash diminished another frozen moment was in front of me. Tawny and I were still in the bed but my parents had entered the picture looking livid. Tawny and I had backed away from each other but I was still glancing at her out of the corner of my eye. Another flash and I was standing in the school hallway tears brimming my eyes. An ominous sound of whispers echoed over the moment and Tawny stood 50 yards away crying. She was staring after me as though I was the one who caused her tears.
With a jolt I awoke sweat dripping down my face.
Tuesday Morning,
In the dark,
I was finding out,
Who I was.
Believe it or not this wasn't the first time I had questioned my sexuality and this wasn't the first time the person had found out how I felt. Charlotte was the one. The one who made my heart melt and destroyed my values from the inside out. I told no one and was even scared to write it in my diary. I didn't understand how I felt. I thought it was the most disturbing feeling yet at the same time when I was around her I felt wonderful. When Yvette came I was jealous and came up with a paranoid theory that they had been and were a couple. This I couldn't keep inside so I wrote it in my diary.
Dear diary, I hate Yvette!!! I just know she and Charlotte are together. They seem so close it's unnatural.It's not fair, Charlotte was MINE!!! I loved her. I wanted her but didn't think I could have her and then Yvette comes and gets her right away. I LOVE CHARLOTTE!
Ren
My diary was my one true secret keeper and I trusted it, but I guess I shouldn't have trusted my so-called friends. One day I dropped my diary on the way to class. They called after me but I didn't hear them. Yvette saw the page with that entry and showed it to Charlotte. After the next period I found my diary in my locker with a note attached to it.
Ren,
You have a serious problem. You need to see a doctor. Until you're cured of your gay thoughts don't come near me. It's disgusting and wrong so please stay away and keep your feelings in check.
Charlotte
As I read these words I began to cry. I thought she of all people would understand but instead she hated me for it. After that I couldn't accept myself. I decided I had to be perfect at everything to make up for this horrible flaw in me. I started going after guys like Bobbie and I always got them. I tried so hard to appear normal but when Bobbie dumped me I gave up. I didn't want to hide behind the male race anymore.
And if you turned around to see me and I was gone,
You should have looked outside your window,
Cause the sun was coming up,
I sat on the edge of the roof outside my bedroom so I could watch the sun rise. I could tell it was going to be a beautiful Tuesday. After the storm yesterday it was still cloudy and the fog and clouds stayed on till morning. As the sun rose the clouds parted and the fog turned into a mist and the dew looked like diamonds in the grass. 'The clouds are melting away,' I thought smiling at the golden morning, 'Just like all my doubts.'
Just then I heard the window open behind me. I knew it was her without so much as a glance. I'd always been so hyper-aware of her prescence that I sensed her every move. "Morning sweetheart," I whispered grinning. She sat behind me and put her arms around my shoulders. As I leaned back into her I said, "Look at that sunrise."
Love Is Like A Proverbial Rollercoaster Ch.1: Tuesday Morning
I walked up to the school and drew my breath. This was my big day. I'd asked Tawny to meet me outside so I could show her her locker. I approached the building and immediately noticed the blue-eyed, raven-haired beauty who smiled and waved me over to her. She seemed more cheerful than normal which I took as a good sign. As I walked up to Tawny, I had an extreme desire to kiss her, if only we were in France. I settled for waving and awkwardly rubbing her shirt. It was silk and the exact color of her hair. I longingly wondered if that was just as soft. Tawny gave me an odd but satisfied look. "Soft," I said just as awkwardly as the action had been. Tawney went on like this hadn't happened.
"How are you?" She asked with real concern.
"Fine, good,"I squeaked. In my mind this hadn't been hard at all but now that the moment had arrived I was paralyzed by a fear of rejection.
So the day continued, I wanted to tell her but everyone and everything got in the way. I tried to confess one time when a bell rang and ruined the moment. The next time Louis showed up with flowers begging Tawny to take him back.She had glanced at me quickly, said no, and dragged me away by the arm. At that moment all I could think about was how I would later that day hear the same firm resonating tone behind the same terrifying word.
My real chance came as we were walking home from school. We had agreed to study after school and after swiftly dodging Louis we were walking alone together.
I remember stormy weather,
The way the sky looks when it's cold,
And you were with me,
Content with walking,
So unaware of the world.
I was picturing the disgusted look that would be seen on Tawny's face from my confession when I thought I heard Tawny muttering I love you under her breath. I glanced at her and she blushed looking away quickly. I decided I must have misheard. "It's a nice day," Tawny said smiling broadly. I loved it when she smiled, it made me feel like everything was perfect. It was the last summery day before fall set in. It brought with it the last storm of the season. The anvils flashing and thunderclaps in the distance gave the sky a gray look that seemed eerie and cold.
"I guess, if you like rain," I sighed looking up at the sky that shared my dread.
"I wasn't talking about the weather," Tawny grinned. She stopped and turned towards me, I did the same. Replacing her grin with a serious look she said, "Ren Stevens, I... I love you." This was bold and unexpected and I had no idea how to react. I looked around to make sure we were alone. The only living soul within sight was a squirrel and I figured he wouldn't tell. I took her left hand in mine and snaked my left arm around her and pressed her against me. My thighs became enflamed with the heat of her body and I kissed her slowly. The blissful moment seemed to last forever. When I let her go she pushed back a strand of hair from my face and kissed me lightly again. Then we turned away from each other and walked home holding hands.
Please don't drive me home tonight,
'Cause I don't wanna feel alone,
Please don't drive me home tonight,
'Cause I don't wanna go.
I flopped down on my bed and left room for Tawny. Awkwardly she sat on the edge of my bed. "Don't worry," I said,"We'll be home alone for another hour or so."
"Where's Louis?" Tawny asked.
"At Twitty's, and," I said, hastily cutting off her next question, "Even if he comes home my door is locked." She smiled at me and I knew she could tell I'd planned this. Knowing we could be physical only for this time Tawny siezed the moment. She layed down and snuggled close to me laying one leg on top of me. I turned to her and kissed her forehead snaking my arms behind her waist. She covered my face with kisses and I stroked her hair. It was silkier than her shirt though I can't imagine how. Then our lips met and after a few light kisses I ran my tounge across her lips and tasted her sweet warm tongue trickle into my mouth. It caressed mine and I bitterly wondered where she learned to kiss so well. After a few moments she broke away. I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding.
"I don't want to leave here." Tawny whispered, closing her eyes and taking it all in. "I don't want to go home to that cold and lonely place where I'm outside of your world."
"You don't ever have to," I said giving her an understanding look.
"Don't take me from you, at least for a night let me live in your world."
"You are right now."
"Let me spend the night," Tawny pleaded.
"We can't do this with them here."
"Oh, I know," She replied hastily, "I want to talk, to know the real you inside out."
"I want that too but that's why we have phones."
"It's not the same." After giving her a critical look I sighed and gave in.
"Fine."
Tuesday Morning,
In the dark,
I was finding out,
Who you are.
Deciding you want to get to know someone inside out over the course of one night seems an unachieveable feat but by the end of the night I knew the real Tawny Dean. I may not have known her inside out yet but I did know a different her, a hidden her. From the way she acted around most she seemed satisfied and although this wasn't an act she was satisfied for the simple fact of human interaction. She was always writing poems and by the end of the night I had read her entire book. Most of them were about loneliness or fear for I found as I got to know her she wasn't self-assured and fearless as she made out to be. Ironically one of her biggest fears was being alone. She gave me my two favorites. By letting me read these things Tawny was bearing her soul to me. I could tell she'd never let anyone read these words before and it amazed me that she let me in so naturally, so quickly. Her innocent trust was so naive and I knew I held her fragile heart in my hand. I'd be careful not to break it.
I took your picture,
While you were sleeping,
And then I paced around the room,
If I had known then,
That these things happen,
Would they have happened with you?
That night after hours of conversation and confession we decided to go to sleep. We snuggled close in my bed and Tawny closed her eyes asleep almost instantely. I however had alot more difficulty sleeping. I had been so happy when I discovered Tawny's feelings that I hadn't asked myself the difficult questions about our impending relationship yet. Now that I had time to think they were weighing heavily on my mind. How are we going to hide this? I stood up and began to pace fiddling with random things in my room. I picked up my camera and looked at Tawny through the lens. She was so peaceful and it was utterly adorable. I snapped a picture. I would keep it in a safe place once they were developed. Why did it have to be Tawny? She was Louis' only real crush and someone everyone including myself associated with Louis. Looking at her there I only felt slight remorse for my brother. On top of that I was preparing myself for my parents dissapointment if and when they discovered I was a lesbian closet-case, not to mention Louis' hurt face when to his horror Tawny would turn out to be one too. How long could we do this? These thoughts and more were swimming around in my head at breakneck speed so fast I had to sit on my bed to catch my breath. At this point I was exhausted and decided to pull a Scarlett O'Hara. Let's not think about that today I'll think about that tomorrow and I flopped on my bed and fell asleep.
Please don't drive me home tonight,
'Cause I don't wanna feel alone,
Please don't drive me home tonight,
'Cause I don't wanna go.
I walked down a darkened hallway toward a cracked open doorway with light streaming through it. Slowly I walked to the doorway growing more curious by the second. As I came to the door it opened on its own. The interior of the room was still like a picture, a moment captured in time. Both me and Tawny were lying on the bed kissing wrapped in nothing but a sheet. There was a bright flash of light and in my mind I heard Tawny say, "At least for one night let me live in your world." When the flash diminished another frozen moment was in front of me. Tawny and I were still in the bed but my parents had entered the picture looking livid. Tawny and I had backed away from each other but I was still glancing at her out of the corner of my eye. Another flash and I was standing in the school hallway tears brimming my eyes. An ominous sound of whispers echoed over the moment and Tawny stood 50 yards away crying. She was staring after me as though I was the one who caused her tears.
With a jolt I awoke sweat dripping down my face.
Tuesday Morning,
In the dark,
I was finding out,
Who I was.
Believe it or not this wasn't the first time I had questioned my sexuality and this wasn't the first time the person had found out how I felt. Charlotte was the one. The one who made my heart melt and destroyed my values from the inside out. I told no one and was even scared to write it in my diary. I didn't understand how I felt. I thought it was the most disturbing feeling yet at the same time when I was around her I felt wonderful. When Yvette came I was jealous and came up with a paranoid theory that they had been and were a couple. This I couldn't keep inside so I wrote it in my diary.
Dear diary, I hate Yvette!!! I just know she and Charlotte are together. They seem so close it's unnatural.It's not fair, Charlotte was MINE!!! I loved her. I wanted her but didn't think I could have her and then Yvette comes and gets her right away. I LOVE CHARLOTTE!
Ren
My diary was my one true secret keeper and I trusted it, but I guess I shouldn't have trusted my so-called friends. One day I dropped my diary on the way to class. They called after me but I didn't hear them. Yvette saw the page with that entry and showed it to Charlotte. After the next period I found my diary in my locker with a note attached to it.
Ren,
You have a serious problem. You need to see a doctor. Until you're cured of your gay thoughts don't come near me. It's disgusting and wrong so please stay away and keep your feelings in check.
Charlotte
As I read these words I began to cry. I thought she of all people would understand but instead she hated me for it. After that I couldn't accept myself. I decided I had to be perfect at everything to make up for this horrible flaw in me. I started going after guys like Bobbie and I always got them. I tried so hard to appear normal but when Bobbie dumped me I gave up. I didn't want to hide behind the male race anymore.
And if you turned around to see me and I was gone,
You should have looked outside your window,
Cause the sun was coming up,
I sat on the edge of the roof outside my bedroom so I could watch the sun rise. I could tell it was going to be a beautiful Tuesday. After the storm yesterday it was still cloudy and the fog and clouds stayed on till morning. As the sun rose the clouds parted and the fog turned into a mist and the dew looked like diamonds in the grass. 'The clouds are melting away,' I thought smiling at the golden morning, 'Just like all my doubts.'
Just then I heard the window open behind me. I knew it was her without so much as a glance. I'd always been so hyper-aware of her prescence that I sensed her every move. "Morning sweetheart," I whispered grinning. She sat behind me and put her arms around my shoulders. As I leaned back into her I said, "Look at that sunrise."