All of the hallways were dimly lit, the rheostats turned down low.
It was almost eerie, walking through the building under those conditions. A single door on one floor had been left open. Bright light shone out of it.
That was where that big idiot would be…
The nerve of him! Just because she got him good, he had to get her better. At least her joke had been cute and funny. His prank was cruel and demeaning That was her story, and she was sticking to it.
"Please come in, Kaname. You are fully dressed, I presume?" Sousuke's voice drifted down the hallway. But, she was four rooms away! Damn his otaku hearing...
When Kaname stepped inside the room, she realized that it was Sousuke's study. There was a small bookshelf; a number of world maps on the wall; a large wooden desk; a nice computer; and a fax-scanner-copier combo. A bright halogen lamp mounted on a swing swivel arm shone light down upon the monitor, a nearby stack of books, and a disordered pile of typed papers.
Sousuke looked over at Kaname, an innocent look on his face. "My tour wasn't enough? Or, have you grown bored with my company?"
Kaname clenched her teeth. It had taken her a good fifteen minutes to locate him. "Sousuke..." She sounded unhappy, to say the least.
"I made these up. I thought they might be insulting, so I did not use them." Sousuke held up a large arrow-shaped sign. Written in the center were the words this way'. "I thought it might serve you well to check out all of the available rooms, in case you do decided to stay here some day."
"Sousuke... you... " Kaname fought her temper. After all, she had started things, helped them along, and scored what she had thought was the coup de gras. She was still learning things about Sousuke. 'How far she could push him' was one thing. 'His manner of retaliation' was another. "You can bet I…"
She had almost said that she would not be staying there any time soon. That wasn't necessarily true, as she needed time to think things through. The last thing she wanted to prompt Sousuke to remove the offer from the table.
"Kaname?" Sousuke looked ready to weather any storm.
Kaname was glad to see that. Sousuke could take care of himself. She could say and do whatever felt right to her, without being too worried that she might offend him or turn his feelings against her. "This is a nice study, Sousuke. What are you working on?"
"Thank you. This is where I do my research and writing. I am working on a number of comparative essays. One details the similarities between the Samurai and the Spartans, two groups that some people consider the ultimate warriors of their time. The other addresses the similarities between the Samurai and Bushido, and the Knights and Chivalry."
"Oh." She should have known it would be something otaku. "What class are they for?".
"They are not for any class, Kaname. Although, they might some day prove useful in that capacity. I am writing these for submission to military journals. I thought it would be a practical use of my free time, as I have read much on those subjects over the years." He tidied up his papers, and then moved to stabilize a wobbling pile of books and journals.
"I see." Kaname was surprised. She had never thought about Sousuke in regards to his intellect. She had held a pretty dim opinion of him in high school, and didn't begin to think otherwise until he outshown her in their college Biology class. "You read about those things when you were on the submarine?"
"Affirmative." Sousuke nodded. "I began reading such things while I was in the training camps. A soldier who was about to retire gave me books on warfare throughout the ages. They caught my interest and gave me reason to learn English." Sousuke turned off his light. "Would you like to retire to some place more comfortable? Or, if I have angered you too much for one evening, do wish me to walk you home?"
"I'm not angry any more, Sousuke." She walked over and gave his a brief hug. Then abruptly, she stamped on his toe. "At least not too much."
"I will need to start wearing steel-toed boots again," Sousuke said, wincing. "While I'm at it, I should go back to camouflage shirts…"
"NO!" Kaname bit her lip. He was just kidding, right? "No, Sousuke. Let's go find that comfortable couch. Perhaps there will be another thunderstorm tonight." She winked.
"Uhhh..." Sousuke stared at Kaname for a moment. Why should her hints make him uncomfortable? He had enjoyed their time together that night. Part of him worried that things were moving too quickly for him to control. Another part thought it might good for him to have something that he could not control. "Yes. I'll show you there, and then go get us something to drink."
"That's OK. We can get things together. And, that way, you won't have a chance to disappear again. Hmmmpppfff!" She put her arm around Sousuke and helped usher him out into the hallway.
After the two had gathered what they wanted, Sousuke led Kaname back to the top floor, this time bringing her into the sitting area. He offered her the choice of an antique French sofa, or any number of hard-backed and stuffed chaired arranged throughout the room. She chose the sofa.
They both took a few moments to look out of a huge picture window. Kaname pulled Sousuke's arm around her, content to stand there with him for a while. These quiet times were nice, especially compared to all of the danger and misadventures they been through when they were younger. She realized that she could get used to this view.
Intellectually, she understood that she and Sousuke had been dating for a very short period of time; but, she felt as if they had never parted before. There were things that she wanted very much to know about him, and there were things that she wanted him to understand about her.
She had made a good start the other night. Perhaps she would have another opportunity now.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The lights were down low in the sitting area.
Sousuke opened a number of windows, allowing a pleasant cool cross draft.
"Sousuke?" Kaname sat on the sofa, waiting for Sousuke. She placed her glass of fruit drink on a fancy coaster.
"Yes?" Sousuke noted the change in Kaname's voice He wondered if she had made a decision in regards to his offer, or was thinking about something that was important to her.
"Do you ever think about the future?" Kaname held her breath. The way that Sousuke would answer the questions that she had would be very telling.
"Kaname?" Sousuke lit a number of wax tapers on the wall, putting their glass globes back in place when he was done. He had never felt any desire to light them before, since the electric lights were much more efficient.
"Have you given any thought to what you might be doing in a year... five years... ten years... stuff like that." Kaname pushed her hair out of her face. "I have."
Sousuke walked over to the sofa, moved a few fancy tassled pillows, and sat next to his girlfriend. "Yes, Kaname. I have done some of that lately. Before, I was not really concerned about such things. I have grown accustomed to going where I'm sent, and handling things as they come up." He put his drink down next to Kanames. "Perhaps if I had thought differently in the past... back in high school…" His face looked somewhat melancholy.
Kaname lowered her eyes for a moment. She didn't want to dwell on the past tonight. What was done was done. A worrisome thought had her bite the inside of her cheek every so softly. "Did you feel that way, back then, because you were convinced that you are going to die in battle some day?" Her voice caught in her throat.
"Kaname?"
"Do you care whether you live or die, Sousuke?" She wasn't certain where that question came from. But, she hoped that Sousuke was not resigned to being a one day.
"I do not wish to die, Kaname. Given a choice, I would much rather live, even if I did not have a beautiful woman sitting on my couch." Sousuke watched Kaname closely. She did not blush. There was no happiness or gratitude in her expression. Her attention was focused on him. "Do I think that I am destined to die in battle? No. I do not worry about that. "Sousuke paused, wondering how Kaname might take his next statement. It might upset her, as she did not know the historical context it would be drawn from. "To be able to perform my best in combat, I start out with the assumption that I am already dead."
Kaname's eyes widened. "Does that mean you don't fight to stay alive? You always assume that you will die? But you just said..."
Sousuke put his arm on the back of the couch, and then rested his chin on his hand. He watched Kaname's eyes, trying to judge her mood. "It will take a bit of an explanation, Kaname. It will be otaku, and it may well bore you. But, if you like, I will tell you what I mean..."
"OK." Kaname hoped with all her heart that Sousuke wasn't fatalistic, or some kind of fanatic. She had always carried that question close to her heart, never really wanting to ask it.
"I have spent most of my life getting by moment by moment, day by day. There were things that I have needed to focus on. Combat training. Briefing sessions. The actual missions. The only thing that concerned me was becoming as skilled as I could, and succeeding in battle as best I could. While I was always aware that I might die in any fight, I did not go in expecting to do so. Do you remember the topic of those essays I am writing?"
"Yes… what..." Kaname looked perplexed.
"I am a mystery to myself sometimes. I have no way of knowing if any of my beliefs and habits come from time spent with my parents. I am not certain how much I may have modeled myself after the people that I have subsequently came to live around. I might well have picked up many of my beliefs from things that I have seen, read, and been told." Sousuke closed his eyes and took a deep easy breath, then let it out. "I sometimes think that I have taken unto myself, some of the things that the Samurai, Spartans, and Knights held dear or found to be true for them." Sousuke looked to see if understanding had begun to dawn in Kaname's eyes.
Not surprisingly, it had not.
"Is this going to be a lecture, Sousuke? There are things I really want to know. I also have things that I really want you to know." Kaname would gladly listen to Sousuke's papers some day, but she didn't want things to move too far off course.
"No, Kaname. I think that I can anticipate some of your questions and concerns. I find that examples often help people understand someone else's point of view. Such things will also help me organize my thoughts." Sousuke ran his hand through his hair, trying to find the words he wanted.
Kaname leaned back on the couch. After looking at Sousuke for a moment, she nodded her head and said "OK."
"If one were asked to distill down to an essence what it was to be samurai, he would say that it lay first in devoting one's body and soul to his master. If one were then asked what mattered beyond this, he would say to improve oneself inwardly with intelligence, humanity, and courage. The combining of those virtues may seem unobtainable to anyone who was not a samurai. But, to them, it was it easy." Sousuke knew that he was taking a somewhat roundabout route, but he wanted to provide Kaname with some context.
"Those are things that you have, Sousuke. At least, you have humanity, courage, and devotion to Mithril." Kaname stuck out her lower lip, a good natured sparkle in her eyes. "Intelligence is open to debate."
"Yes. Well, intelligence is nothing more than discussing things with others. Limitless wisdom comes from that. Humanity is something done for the sake of others, simply comparing oneself with them and putting them first. Courage is gritting one's teeth and pushing ahead, paying no attention to the circumstances. To the samurai, anything beyond those three things was not thought to be truly important. So, as you can see, they were not simply fierce warriors or stoic killers."
"I don't understand how that relates to your thoughts about dying..." Kaname looked puzzled.
"You said 'OK', Kaname." Sousuke leaned back on the couch.
"Sorry." Kaname said, trying to be attentive.
"To a samurai, service was very important. The name samurai even meant 'those who serve'. A man was considered a good retainer to the extent that he earnestly places importance in his master, not his own well being. Mithril is my master, Kaname. Throughout my servitude, I have made it a point to advance daily, becoming more skillful than the day before. The samurai believed that there was surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. As such, a man's whole life was viewed as a succession of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursue. They sought to live being true to that principal."
Kaname ran her hand along her hair. That might explain why Sousuke seemed to be so reckless when they were in high school. He was dealing with each given moment, while she was more concerned with the consequences.
"Courage and sacrifice were important to Samurai, Spartan, and Knight alike. Each of those warriors could well be faced with almost certain death, when going into battle. They prepared for that death, yet did not let it intrude in their fighting. With the Spartans, the war would be fought until all of the Spartans were dead or the battle had been won. That was not simply a casual disregard of life. They saw the State and the Law as worth dying for."
Sousuke folded both hands together in his lap. Kaname continued to listen patiently.
"Dying in battle was the most honorable way in which the Spartans could die. He was fighting for his country...his children... the things he valued. I would not give my life for Mithril, Kaname. But I willingly risk it for those people that are unable to fight for themselves."
"Sousuke." Kaname felt a lump in her throat. She reached out and touched Sousuke's hand.
"Like the samurai, most knights acted as retainers to greater lords, some of whom were more renown fighters, or the enforcers of policy and morality. Both were hired to protect the land and the people. I feel the same way myself… like a warrior in his armor… when I am strapped into an Arm Slave. Those warriors were expected to follow a code of honor. I try to as well. There were significant ways in which the samurai and Spartans were different than most knights." Sousuke was glad that his research would actually serve a practical purpose.
Kaname opened her mouth a moment, intending to ask a question. She shook her head.
"You were going to say something?" Sousuke would not mind an interruption.
"No. It's silly. You're trying to explain things to me..." Kaname tried to brush away her own irrelevant question.
"It is not a problem. Go ahead." Sousuke was curious what she had been thinking.
"I was just thinking... no, it really isn't important..." Kaname blushed.
Sousuke folded his arms across his chest. He stared at Kaname.
"If you think of yourself as a knight in armor... well… I was wondering if you would fight differently if you had a Lady waiting for you..." Kaname lowered her eyes.
"That would depend on whether or not I was one of the earliest knights, or one of those that lived in later periods. The earliest knights treated women very poorly, more like possessions. I can certainly see the benefit in that." Sousuke kept a straight face.
"What!" Kaname frowned. "You better NOT start thinking about me as your possession, Sousuke!"
"Hmmmm. You belong to someone else, then? Pity..." He did grin that time.
Kaname gave him the evil eye. He ignored that warning. "When the crusaders returned to Europe, their view of women had changed, after seeing how the Muslims treated their women. Courtly love... sweet songs... troubadours... those type of things became popular. That kind of love between a knight and his lady was very mature and romantic." Sousuke watched for Kaname's reaction.
"There you go. That's what I want, Sousuke." Kaname gave Sousuke a rather possessive look.
"I see. It is good to learn your preferences. But, I should mention something. That type of love… uhhh… was not very… uhhh… sexual." Sousuke stiffened up a bit.
"Huh?" Kaname frowned. "Never mind then, Sousuke." Kaname had spoken quickly without thinking. She turned bright red.
"The woman often gave the knight a handkerchief that he would take into battle with him. He would fight with that cloth on his arm or tucked away somewhere safe." If he was correct, Kaname would flip flop again.
"Oooooh That's really romantic. If you go into battle again, don't forget to ask for something from me, OK?" Kaname's eyes lost focus. She pictured Sousuke riding away in a shiny suit of armor.
"Affirmative." Watching Kaname's face, he realized once again how different women were from men. "For a Spartan, to be captured was a disgrace. For the samurai, ritualistic suicide was something that they had perfected, and it was preferred above being captured, or being defeated. I wshould also mention the Knights Templar, the Poor Knights of Christfounded in in the aftermath of the First Crusade, intended to help the new Kingdom of Jerusalem maintain itself against its defeated Muslim neighbors." Sousuke stopped, looking at Kaname again. "Is this too much? Am I boring you?"
"Go ahead, Sousuke." Kaname sounded resigned. The glow of her romantic daydream faded away.
"The Knights Templar were the most effective fighting unit ever assembled by Christendom. They were forbidden to surrender in battle and often fought to the death. They never retreated unless given a direct order, an order that was never given unless outnumbered three to one." Sousuke felt no need to describe the interesting history of the Templars, or delve into the mysticism that surrounded them.
"I do not hold to any of those ways myself. Nor do I feel compelled to follow the obligations placed on samurai and Spartans. But, up until now, I have prepared myself for battle in a way that would not appear strange to a Samurai. It was their way."
"What way was that, Sousuke?" Kaname found herself entranced by Sousuke's voice. It was richer somehow, now that he was discussing something he was familiar with.
"The Samurai had a unique way of living. They lived as though dead, in order to increase their fighting awareness. While they wanted to live, it was impossible to go into battle with the fear of death hanging over their heads. Therefore, the Samurai adopted a way to get around this. They had no fear of death, as they were already dead." Sousuke watched Kaname's eyes. They widened. She put her hand to her mouth.
"Sousuke, if you go into battle thinking you are already dead, won't that keep you from fighting your hardest, so you can stay alive?" Kaname was having trouble understanding just what Sousuke meant.
"No, Kaname. Like myself, the samurai did not want to die. However, they were dedicated towards reaching their goals. If they died but did not reach their goals, it was acceptable. But if they did not reach their goals and lived, that was the mark of cowardice and shame. I am not that fanatical, I assure you." He stopped to let that point sink in.
Kaname looked somewhat relieved. She was surprised to find how tightly her hands had been clasped.
"For Samurai and Spartans, there was also an expectation of glory on the battlefield. Being remembered, and being looked up to after death, was a common goal for both cultures. The Spartans and Samurai both wanted to be honored by the living. Deserting or retreating was seen as cowardice, and unworthy of either warrior. To die in battle was the ultimate goal for both the Spartans and the Samurai… to be denied that was abhorrent. In contrast, I do not wish to die in battle. I care nothing for appearances. And before meeting you, I never cared whether or not anyone remembered me."
That last sentence had Kaname touching Sousuke's cheek tenderly.
"There is more I feel a need to explain, Kaname. But you said you had questions. Why don't you ask one now. You have been very patient with me." Sousuke wanted to keep Kaname involved in the conversation.
"Is being a soldier all you want in life, Sousuke? I know it has been everything that you have known since you were a young child. I just wonder..." Kaname didn't want to say anything that sounded judgmental, or made Sousuke think she didn't approve of the life he had lived. But, it was very important for her to get some idea of what he might see in his future.
"I am not certain, Kaname. As I mentioned, until recently, I never had much reason to consider that. Again, I beg your indulgence as I try to think things out for myself. I'm not boring you too much, am I?" He hoped that Kaname had greater staying power than she did as a Jindai student.
Much of the time he was still very quiet, holding to the philosophy that if something couldn't be said in a few words, it wasn't worth saying. But, as he matured, he began following a stream of consciousness that ran from a newly tapped wellspring within him---there were times when he wanted to discuss things he found interesting or important.
"Don't worry about me, Sousuke. It's an important question for both of us..." Kaname moved closer to Sousuke, kicked off her shoes, and swung her legs up onto the couch. "Is it OK if I lay down? With my head in your lap?"
"Uhhh… yes... certainly." Sousuke moved a bit, making things easier for Kaname. When she was settled, he rubbed her temples gently, watching her close her eyes and smile. "I have told you a little bit about my youth. The hardships I faced were not unlike those purposefully placed on young Spartans and Samurai. When I joined Mithril, I was briefly treated like I was a Squire. However, I was expected to be a knight before I was totally ready. It did not matter, however. In my early days, after the death of my parents, I merely took what life gave me, before circumstances forced me to move on."
Kaname reached up and clasped her hand around one of Sousuke's. She opened up her eyes and looked ahead of her, focusing lightly on the tiny and vague reflections on the far windows.
"Maybe it helped me become a better soldier. Spartan women did not bathe their newborn babies with water, but with wine, making it a sort of test of strength. They looked for the epileptic and sickly ones to lose control and go into convulsions. They believed that healthy ones would be toughened like steel and strengthened in their physique. The caretakers made certain to raise them as sensible, not fussy about their food, afraid of the dark, frightened of being left alone, or inclined to be unpleasantly awkward or whining." Sousuke looked down at kaname. She had closed her eyes.
"I'm still awake, Sousuke," Kaname said, guessing why he had paused.
"Understood. I should have known. There was no snoring."
"I do not snore!" Kaname's eyes were open again. She gave Sousuke a rather pointed look.
"A knight would do his best to believe such a thing." Sousuke managed not to grin. "Young Spartan children went barefoot and naked, and were given little to eat. This was to encourage them to forage for food on their own, or steal. If they were caught, their punishment was for getting caught, not for stealing. At twelve, their training became more intense. They were weighed down by hard work and continuous exercises. They were also trained in physical exercises, such as dancing, gymnastics, and ballgames. Their clothing was kept to a minimum-often they only received one set for both winter and summer." Sousuke yawned, and then excused himself.
Kaname followed suit, and then scolded him.
"My parents no doubt treated me well; but, once they died, my life was much like that of the Spartan youths, except that there was no dancing or ball games. I was thrown into battle early. The greater aptitude I showed, the more I was encouraged to do."
Kaname looked very sorrowful. "Your life was so hard, Sousuke. I know mine was rough too; but, I feel guilty ever having felt sorry for myself after hearing that."
Sousuke squeezed Kaname's hand. "Young Samurai were also put through vigorous exercise to teach them to endure hardship. They fasted... marched barefoot in the snow... and maintained rigid postures for long periods of time. Even when doing leisure activities, such as playing a musical instrument or dancing, young samurai had to be constantly on guard. Like the Spartans, it was important that they did not complain or showing signs of discomfort. In the same way, my masters and teachers in the mujahideen were rough on me. They wanted me vigilant. They would have driven me away had I shown any signs of weakness."
Kaname began to understand how Sousuke could always be so alert. She wondered if that alertness carried over into his sleep. She also wanted to know whether or not his days in Mithril had allowed had him a chance to normalize in some ways? Did being in the college environment help?
"There are two stories I have quoted in my works. Would you like to hear them? They are illustrative." Sousuke stifled another yawn.
"Go ahead Sousuke. But if I actually do fall asleep, don't wake me up. I'm really tired." Kaname smiled and looked up at Sousuke. "I'm just kidding. Big idiot!"
"I see. The Spartans had a legend about how a boy who had snuck away to check a trap fo food, found a fox, and came back to camp only to discover that his commander had come to check on the group. Hiding the fox beneath his tunic, the boy came back to camp to take his punishment. The commander began to yell at him and give the boy a lecture. Meanwhile, the fox, which was still alive, had clawed into the boy's stomach, and was gnawing at the youth's innards. The boy gave no sign that anything was happening, and finally keeled over and died. He was praised posthumously when his elders discovered that he had ignored the pain." Sousuke smiled at the look on Kaname's face.
"That was horrible, Sousuke!" She sounded upset that he would even tell her such a tale.
"Affirmative. I learned to behave the same way after I was severely beaten once. The first time I was shot, I told no one. They found out when I passed out from a lack of blood." Sousuke wondered just how many of the hardships he had suffered had actually done right by him in the long run. Of course, without the life he had fallen upon, he probably never would have ended up a soldier benefiting from such skills.
Kaname remained quiet, wondering just what kind of memories must be flashing across Sousuke's mind.
"A Japanese story tells of a young swordsman who apprenticed himself to a famous fencing master. One day, while cooking rice, he was given a painful whack with a wooden sword by his master. This treatment was repeated at unexpected hours of the day and night, until the youth learned never to relax his guard and became the greatest swordsman in the land. I was treated severely when I let my guard down, so I made a habit of never doing it again." Sousuke caught a hand that Kaname was swinging towards him playfully, seeing if she could prove otherwise.
"Sousuke, you're going to hurt my feelings if you don't let me win now and then!" Kaname scowled, but couldn't keep it up.
"You need more training, Kaname" Sousuke moved a bit, trying to find a more comfortable way to sit.
"Do you need me to get up, Sousuke?" Kaname lifted her head after propping herself up on her arm.
"Negative. I'm used to discomfort, remember?" He knocked her arm out from under her. "And, I'm fine."
"Bully!" Kaname said with a laugh.
Sousuke's face went a little stiff, and then relaxed again.
"Sousuke?" Kaname had been looking at him. Why did his face suddenly change like that?
"My experiences as a child shaped me in many ways. No doubt you will realize that more and more as you spend time around me. But, after going through what I did, I was fortunate not to become brutal and uncaring. Instead, eventually, I grew determined to help others." Another insight came to mind. He decided to go with it before it slipped away. "I was not alone in my rough apprenticeship. Many young boys native to Afghanistan fought against the Soviet invasion. Many of those children were recruited, or fought because family members did. That was not he case with me. I needed food. I needed shelter. And I wanted to kill Russians. Maybe my need for vengeance was unusual for such a young age. But, it drove me to fight, and it left me scarred, physically and mentally. Some of what I do today might be a means to balance out what I did as a child."
Kaname opened her mouth and then closed it. She had been about to ask what kind of terrible things he could have done as a child. She decided that she didn't want to know, at least not yet.
"There are many children in the world that face terrible hardships." Sousuke's words came out in a husky emotion-filled voice. "Mithril has attempted to stabilize certain areas of the globe that serve as breeding grounds for terrorist recruits. It is not a purely altruistic approach. Despite such efforts, there are more than 300,000 child soldiers around the world today, fighting in places like Sierra Leone, Liberia, Congo, Sudan, Sri Lanka, Afghanistan, and Burma. In Uganda, among the 'Lord's Resistance Army', six out of ten fighters are children."
Kaname sat up again. It somehow didn't feel right to be relaxing comfortably when Sousuke brought up facts like those.
"Children are fearless, Kaname. They can be made more so with pharmaceuticals. They are also unpredictable, a characteristic that some heartless men find very useful. Children eat less and are easier to manipulate. Armies raid villages... kill parents... beat children... supply them with drugs. Some of the boys may actually survive. The girls, most of who are usually used for cooking and sexual slavery, usually do not." Sousuke remembered some of the scenes he saw fighting terrorists in Africa. Those too gave him sleepless nights. Worse, when there was no recourse, he had been forced to shoot children who had been attempting to do kill him and his allies.
That had been rough. Coming into a situation intending to help children, only to end up taking their lives, had resulted in considerable mental anguish. It might be worth thinking about a life beyond fighting, simply to avoid any more situations like that.
Kaname looked shocked. Her face fell. She couldn't imagine what it must be like to be a young woman in that culture.
"This is nota new thing, Kaname. Children fought as far back as David versus Goliath. Youths fought in the Crusades. In the battle of New Market in the American Civil War, boys of the Virginia Militia fought, held their ground, and won the day. The Hitler Youth fought for the homeland. The Viet Cong used small numbers of child soldiers. But, the problem is growing and becoming more far-reaching. Children are not simply abducted. Some join willingly, just for shoes or food. Hunger and poverty drive parents to sell their child's services. Daughters are sent to be soldiers when their marriage prospects are poor. I feels good to help people like that, Kaname." Sousuke sighed.
"I'm proud of you, Sousuke. Really, I am." Kaname scooted around some, then leaned over and gave Sousuke a kiss. "I just hope you understand that you can't save them all. No one can."
"Yes. You are right. In any case, when such children are set free from that horrible life, they do not go on to become soldiers like I did. The boys often wish to become priests. The girls want to become nurses." Sousuke sighed again.
"Sousuke, it's never too late to change, if you really want to. I hope you can understand that." Kaname rested her forehead against his briefly, praying that Sousuke would take her words to heart.
"I would like to believe that, Kaname. But, sometimes the choice is bigger than one person. I have unique skills. I am very good at what I do. Mithril has need of soldiers of my caliber, and pilots who can work the Lambda Driver system. The organization works for the good of mankind as a whole, and has prevented a number of serious catastrophes. I have been instrumental in a number of those victories. That's an awesome responsibility, Kaname."
Kaname looked at Sousuke, filled with mixed feelings. Her boyfriend was very noble, maybe too noble for his own good. What about her? Was she being selfish or arrogant, wanting to keep him safe and to herself? If her actions caused him to quit Mithril, would she be able to sleep soundly at night, knowing that somewhere people were suffering, and might not have had a better life if Sousuke were still a soldier?
Then again, wouldn't Mithril be able to find someone to replace him? She might not be so fortunate herself. It was entirely possible that she could search a lifetime, never finding someone else who made her feel the way that he did.
"But what do you want, Sousuke? If you could choose anything without guilt, what would you feel happiest doing?" Kaname spoke very softly. The answer might not change anything, but it would be important to her. "Just because you were raised like the samurai and Spartans were, it doesn't mean that you have to spend your entire life living the way they did. They are all gone. So are the knights. Things change, Sousuke."
"I realize that, Kaname. As I also understand that different men belief different things." Sousuke ran his hand through his hair. "For me, But, the ideals embraced by Bushido and Chivalry still have a place today. There were things that were common to both."
"What were those things, Sousuke?" Kaname didn't want him to think that she was bored or disinterested. He had sat patiently with her while she told him her life story.
"It is important to be loyal to one's lord. It is right to strive for justice. One should also Value honor, and honor bravery It is good to control oneself and have patience; build up one's courage and cultivate one'sfighting spirit; and broaden one's mind.As it stands, Mithril is my lord, Kaname."
Kaname sat quietly. It was wonderful to see how Sousuke's mind worked. It was reassuring to see just how strong his character was. But, she was feeling more worried by the minute. Could Sousuke ever let go? Or might he instead find some way to apply those same principles in the civilian world?
"Kaname, when I was brought into the organization, I pledged it my life, because it gave me a life. I realize that I may have paid my debts, in a sense. But, can I possibly do as much good as an average person, as I can as a mercenary?"
Kaname opened her mouth to say 'yes.' She didn't. First of all, she didn't know to answer the question honestly. Second, Sousuke obviously needed to finish what he was trying to say.
"Doing one's duty… that was the linchpin for both Bushido and Chivalry.For me, a pivotal question remains. What is my duty? Can you tell me that, Kaname?" Sousuke looked troubled. He was obviously torn between two drastically different lives. There was no way that the issue could be resolved in one evening.
"It looks like you have a lot of thinking to do, Sousuke. I want you to promise that you will tell me the answers you come up with. I know we have only been going together for a couple of days; but, the things you decide on will affect me too. I also have a big decision to make." Kaname stretcthed, and then looked Sousuke directly in the eyes. "You still haven'tanswered my question. What would make you the happiest?" She stood up and walked over to the window, wanting to give Sousuke some space.
Looking down at his hands, Sousuke sat silently for a few minutes, the thoughts whirling about in his head. 'Want' and 'happiness' had been foreign terms to him throughout much of his life. But, distinct images came to mind. He saw Kaname. Kaname smiling. Kaname safe, smiling,and happy.
"I would be happiest being with you, Kaname, if that was what you wanted, and if that truly made you happy." Sousuke looked up at Kaname. She had blown her breath out, frosting the window. "I would not be happy I held you back in some way, or prevented you from meeting someone who was the perfect match for you."
Kaname didn't answer. She sketched a quick heart on the window.
Sousuke wondered if he had somehow betrayed himself, his code, or Mithril, by making such an admission. He watched asKaname blew on the window again to highlight her drawing. After doing so, she then headed towards Sousuke.
"You sure can talk a lot, Sousuke." She smiled. His honest answer had made her feel very good. "But I'll keep you just the same."
"Kaname?"
"Yes, Sousuke?"
"I am left with a need to consider the future. What about you? Have you considered what you need, or what you want?" Sousuke stretched out his arms, and then moved one to loosen up his tight shoulder
Kaname was very glad that Sousuke had asked that question. It was something she had wanted to talk about. And, it gave her reason to think that he was going to start thinking more about the future. "Yes Sousuke, I've thought about things a lot, even before I ran across a certain soldier again. On some days I used to get all full of energy, thinking about the things I want to do and be. On other days, when I felt down or discouraged, I thought about the things I didn't have, and wondered if I would ever have such things."
Sousuke put his arm around Kaname when she sat next to him on the couch.
"There are a lot of things that I worry about, and there are a number of things to look forward to." Kaname picked up her legs for a moment, and then swung around so that she was facing Sousuke. "At the University, I need to worry about my course of study, and how I'm doing in my classes. I also need to think about the kind of job I want to have some day. That leads to more questions."
"Where your job would be?" Sousuke asked.
"Yes. That might or might not be a moot point, depending on how many job interviews I get, and how man offers I receive. But before I can even decide what kind of job I want, there is something else I have to consider." Kaname looked at Sousuke a bit wistfully, and then brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them. "I want to be a mother some day. I think I might like to have a number of children. I would want to give them the good things that I had as a child."
Sousuke felt a bit uneasy. He had never given much thought to having his own children. There had never been any woman other than Kaname who had even gotten him to think about relationships. Did he want to have children? Could he ever live up the responsibilities that a father had? What exactly were all the responsibilities?
Kaname watched as Sousuke turned pensive. She correctly predicted his thoughts. "Have you ever thought about having children Sousuke? If you were as dedicated to your family as you have been to Mithril, you might make a very good father."
"It was never anything I had reason to contemplate, Kaname. At times, however..." Sousuke's gaze seemed distant. "When I have rescued young children in the past, some have been very much in need. Others were very happy, and expressed their joy by wanting me and the other soldiers to take care of them. At those times..." Sousuke had felt something stir inside him in the past, but he had never known what to make of it.
Kaname smiled. There was a good heart inside Sousuke. She was certain of it. But, just what depths of emotion would Sousuke be capable of, considering all he had gone through in his life? How would his terrible life as a child affect the way he behaved as a parent? Would he be an overly protective parent?
She also wondered just what kind of mother she would be. That thought suddenly seemed more relevant, sitting there talking with Sousuke. "Well, it looks like you have another thing to think about. And you thought school was hard." Kaname laughed. "I guess life is just one big school, in a way. But, the teacher doesn't always tell you what the expectations are, and there can be a test at any moment." She grew a bit more solemn. "The assignments are very hard sometimes, Sousuke. And the grading isn't always fair, is it?"
"No. But nobody ever said they would be." Sousuke sighed. "It looks like I have a lot of extra studying to do." He looked out of his window again. The city vista seemed to stretch on forever.
Kaname reached over and tugged on his pants leg. "It's a group assignment, Sousuke. You can have as many people help you with it as you like. Want a study partner?"
Sousuke turned back to look at Kaname. "Yes." It was an honest answer. That in itself taught him something. For some reason, he felt like lightening the mood some. He knew exactly what to say. "I suppose need to go about finding one. Perhaps if I post a note on the campus bulletin board..." He rubbed his chin.
"Sousuke."
"I do know where I can find four partners. However, they may be a bit angry after today's competition." Sousuke expected Kaname to say 'Sousuke!'
"Sousuke!" Kaname switched positions, moving so that she was now perched on her knees.
"It would probably be simpler to choose one of them. Would you help me with that, Kaname? I trust your judgment." Sousuke kept a straight face. What would Kaname do, besides shouting? Smack him in the leg? Hug him and laugh? Make some kind of sarcastic rejoinder?
"SOUSUKE!" Kaname leaned over and bit Sousuke's leg lightly.
"Owwwww." Sousuke closed his eyes in mock pain. "It looks like I will now need the attention of the hospital staff. Human bites are potentially more dangerous than animal bites due to the number of bacteria in the human mouth. Streptococci. Staphylococci. Anaerobic organisms. Eikenella corrodens. Other pathogenic species. No doubt, I will be given anti-biotics." He looked down at Kaname as if he were examining her. "At times over the past few days, you have behaved wildly and erratically. I may also nead to consider a rabies vaccine."
"Rabies vaccine?" Kaname got to her feet. "Oooh. That was just a love bite." She smiled. "But, if you're concerned, part of the treatment would be to wash the wound with soap and water under pressure. Like from a faucet... or a strong shower..." She sat next to him and whispered in his ear. "Want a real shower this time, soldier?"
Sousuke swallowed hard. His nonverbal answer was somewhere between 'maybe' and 'yes.' While the two of them were in the middle of an important conversation, there was a part of him part of him that wanted to play serious romantic games with Kaname, regardless of his discomfort with such things. "Uhhh... that sounds like a nice idea. Can I have a rain check? I believe the wound is not as severe as I originally feared."
Kaname had only been playing; but, Sousuke's answer suddenly made her consider the idea for real. She blushed, picturing herself in the shower with Sousuke. "Yes. It will be redeemable whenever you are ready. But, it's only good for the shower in the other room, Sousuke."
"I see. Very good. It is a very nice shower." Sousuke cleared his throat. "What other things have you considered, Kaname? Besides school, work, and raising a family…"
"Romance, of course. That, and a long term serious relationship. That's what would lead to my having a family, right?" Kaname looked more serious, now. "I would like to find the right man. There is someone I'm interested in, but I still need to find out what he wants, and whether or not it makes sense to take a chance on him." She felt guilty putting things that way. He cared about her. Probably more than he had cared about anyone in his life. But, that by itself wouldn't be enough. There were more things to say, and they would give him more information to squirrel away.
"I see. He must be a very fortunate man." Sousuke did indeed feel fortunate, almost humble. He did not want to develop a strong attachment to Kaname and get her hopes up, only to realize that his life did not have a place for her, her wants, and her needs. It was easy to get caught up in the moment. He needed to start thinking, not just reacting.
"Some people wouldn't be so sure," Kaname said, bowing her head. "But, whatever people might think about me, I don't want to end up like a gypsy. I want to have a home some day, one I can work on together with my husband. I want a place where we can raise a family, without moving from town to town, or base to base. I would not want to always be saying 'Good bye' to my friends."
Kaname truly hoped that her wish would come true, some day. So may of her other dreams had fallen through.
"You deserve stability, Kaname. It would appear that you would wish for someone who is usually at home, even though you have done well on your own."
"Yes. I've done well on my own, Sousuke." Kaname bit her lip. "But, I really haven't had any other choice. When the day comes when I do have options, I want to be certain that I choose wisely. Don't get me wrong. I understand that someone has to make sacrifices so that other people can remain free. I'm not certain that I want to be the one making such a sacrifice."
Sousuke nodded his head. There was a reason that few members on the SRT were married or had children.
"It's a high price to pay, a very hard life. I've already lived one of those, Sousuke. I've had enough bad times in my life. My Mother. All the moving I had to do. Being Whispered. Everything. It's a tragic thing, dying for one's country, or for the sake of the world. But, I think that it would be more tragic to live without someone who died." Kaname looked at Sousuke with a great deal of concern. She didn't want him to feel that she was some how rejecting him now, before they ever had a chance to see where their relationship might go.
"I can understand that, Kaname. It is good to know how you feel." Sousuke rubbed his hand over his cheek.
"I hope you don't think less of me Sousuke, seeing everything that you have been through yourself. I just want to be able to know what school my children will be going to each year. I want someone who can go to see the school plays, concerts, and sporting events. I want someone who will be there for the birth of those children, and for birthdays and anniversaries." Kaname squared her shoulders. It was right to want those things.
"I think very highly of you, Kaname. Nothing you have said has changed my opinion of you."
"I'm glad to hear that. I don't think I'm being too selfish or demanding. When I buy furniture, I don't want to wonder if it will fit in the next apartment, or whether it will survive traveling. I don't want to buy different size drapes and curtains ever year or so." Kaname realized that she had tugging at her hair.
"There are few things that would cause me to lose faith in you, or see you in a different light." Sousuke thought a moment, wanting to find the right words. "I have already told you that I would die for you. If my current feelings are any indication, it may be that I would also wish to live for you."
"Sousuke?" Kaname wasn't certain exactly what she had heard at first. Soon enough, she broke into a big smile, realizing what Sousuyke must mean. She was moved to kiss Sousuke again.
"I will ask you a favor, though." Sousuke reluctantly pushed Kaname back so he could see her face.
"What favor, Sousuke?"
"We both have numerous things to discover, and many things to consider. I would ask you to be patient with me. I would also you to spend your time with me looking for nothing more than the single purpose of the present moment." Sousuke looked at Kaname intensely. He wanted their relationship to grow without a series of preset boundaries. He wanted to learn as much as he could about her, without feeling bound by preconceived expectations.
Kaname understood what Sousuke meant. It was a wise and mature request, one that might prove difficult for her. She was very much on edge, subconsciously needing all of her answers sooner not later. That was part of her nature. But, just as Sousuke had ways in which he needed to change to be right for her, there were ways in which she would have to change too.
If she rushed things, she might push Sousuke away, or arrive at the wrong conclusion.
"I will try, Sousuke. I will do my best for you, just as you have always done your best for me."
Sousuke nodded. He looked relieved.
"I have a question, first. I've heard romantic stories about the way knights and their ladies lived. But, what kind of lives did Spartan women have? What was it like to be a samurai's wife?" Kaname put her arms behind her neck and stretched her back, not doing so to tease Sousuke this time.
"Uhhh..." Sousuke lost track of the question for a few seconds. "I do not think that you would have enjoyed being a Spartan woman, Kaname." Sousuke eyed her a moment longer, waiting to see if she would go through her stretching again.
Kaname blushed. "Behave, Sousuke." She grinned. She certainly didn't mind his attention. "What was wrong with being a Spartan's wife?"
"A girl's education was equally as brutal as a boy's and included many athletic events such as javelin, discus, foot races, and staged battles. In many such events, Spartan women would run naked in the presence of their male counterparts. They were respected for their… uhhh… athletic feats." Sousuke looked away from Kaname.
"Really? If I did that, would you respect me for my athletic feats?" Kaname stretched again, this time with a much different purpose in mind.
"Uhhh... yes... that too..." Sousuke couldn't help looking. He scolded himself. A Specialist should have some level of control.
"Well then, maybe being a Spartan wouldn't be so bad." She put her hands down on the couch, pushed down, and slid closer to Sousuke.
"Ahhh. I am not so certain. Marriage for a Spartan woman was almost a non-ceremonial event. The woman was abducted in the night by her suitor... her head was shaved... she was made to wear men's clothing...and she was made to lie on a straw pallet in the dark. From then on she would meet with her husband for almost entirely... uhhh... procreative reasons. If she was formerly a girl, she became a woman through marriage." Sousuke grinned at the look on Kaname's face. When she put her hand to her hair, Sousuke smiled.
"Hmmmpppfff!" Kaname turned her head away.
"Any Spartan man could abduct a wife, which led to a system of polyandry. There could be many husbands and one wife, or just the opposite. When a child was born, the woman had little to do with the upbringing. Rather, nurses handled the child's care. A female Spartan child was subject to the same tests of strength as a male child."
"A woman could have a number of men?" Kaname smiled widely, hoping to send a small jolt of jealousy through Sousuke.
"Affirmative. A man could have more than one wife. Though, it was not such a pleasant life, like that of a sultan with his harem." Sousuke could play the same game. His jab had more sting, given the day's events.
""What?" Kaname made a rather sour face. "No Spartan stuff!"
"Affirmative," Sousuke said. "The samurai class did not consist solely of men. Though frequently overlooked in history books, women had an important role during the samurai period, particularly in the early days. Samurai wives took on the responsibilities of running the households during times of war, overseeing the crops, servants, and finances."
"That's probably why there were samurai for so many years!" Kaname looked at Sousuke, daring him to claim otherwise.
"You are correct, Kaname." Sousuke waited until Kaname put on a self-satisfied grin. "Without women, how could there ever have been future samurai?"
Kaname turned head away from Sousuke. Big jerk! It wouldn't hurt him any to admit thatwomen were important, too.
"The women were trained in martial arts, and were expected to be skilled in the use of the naginata, a type of lance. Not infrequently, samurai women defended their homes when under attack. Sometimes they even fought alongside the men in battle. One of the most famous female warriors was Tomoe Gozen, wife of Minamoto Yoshinaka. She fought bravely against the Taira clan during the Gempei War and was hailed as a gifted archer and swordswoman." Sousuke wondered how Kaname would respond to that.
An idea crossed his mind, one he would store away until a more appropriate time. There was a way that he and Kaname could spend time together. Kaname could learn practical means of defense, and he could keep his skills sharp.
"I see. Is that the kind of woman you want, mister? A warrior woman?" Kaname crossed her arms over her chest.
"It is not a necessity, Kaname. Women have many skills. I would not be averse to having a woman who complimented my skills through other talents." Sousuke wanted to make certain he didn't leave Kaname with any misconceptions.
"I see. Fishing for compliments, are you?" Kaname flattened her lips.
"No. That is not what I meant..." Sousuke answered before he realized that Kaname was playing with words.
"I know. I just wanted you to see who was more clever, that's all." Kaname held her nose up.
"Ahhh. Well I've never had any doubt of that." Sousuke's inflection turned things around some. "Because you are so attractive, I have given you certain allowances."
"Allowances?" Kaname's eyes narrowed. "Well, let's talk about the things that I am going to allow you to do. Big idiot."
"I see. I have upset you. Now is not the time to speak about something I had hoped to interest you in." Sousuke stood up. He picked up the two empty glasses. "Would you like something more to drink, Kaname?"
Kaname ignored the offer. "What were you going to interest me in, Sousuke?"
"It is not important, Kaname. I do not wish to have my allowances limited even further." Sousuke grinned.
"Sousuke!" Kaname stood up.
"It is nothing weird. Nothing dangerous. But, you probably would not wish to do it. It probably is best to left it unsaid. Would you like something to snack on? Fruit, perhaps?" Sousuke turned as if he was about to carry the glasses down to the kitchen.
"What... were...you... going...to...ask... me..." Kaname's one hand twitched. It was the hand that she used to hold her halisen in.
"I attend a martial arts class a number of nights per week. It would be simple enough to teach another person the skills that I have obtained. Additionally, I visit a shooting range routinely. While I maintain my proficiency, I could also take time to teach a anyone who might be interested." He looked at Kaname, realizing that he very much wanted her take him up on at least one offer.
Kaname stood still, hit first by the sheer otaku nature of the idea. What made that moron think that she wanted to do learn any of those things? But, as she opened her mouth to make some flippant reply, she remembered that she wanted to find things to do with Sousuke.
There might be a pragmatic way to consider things as well. She was Whispered. While she hadn't been troubled by anyone in three years, her good fortune could potentially turn at any time.
"That's a very nice offer, Sousuke. I may well take you up on that. As your guest, I would ask you to consider my own offer for training first." Kaname reached down to the table and opened up her purse.
"Kaname?"
"You need work on your kissing." Kaname took out a small applicator. "Do you like flavored lip balm?"