OR DIE TRYING: CHO CHANG'S SIXTH YEAR
By monkeymouse
NB: JKRowling built the Potterverse; I'm just redecorating one of the rooms. And one of the great things about JKR telling the story from Harry's point of view is that stuff could be happening all over Hogwarts that Harry isn't aware of.
Rated: PG
Spoilers: Everything
xxx
5. A Professional
Cho's appointment wasn't until one o'clock in the afternoon, so there was no need to set an alarm. Cho and Penelope both woke up about an hour after sunrise.
"How did you sleep?" Penelope asked, smiling but with a bit of worry behind her eyes.
"Perfectly," Cho sighed and stretched. "Best rest I've had in months. Thank you for inviting me over, Penny; I really needed this."
"I wish you could stay longer than just the one night, then. Maybe you just need a change of scenery."
"No, I wouldn't wish that on you. I know it'll come on me sooner or later, and I..." Cho had to pause. "I'm terrified of going back to Hogwarts. Everything there will remind me of him."
Penny nodded. "Well, that's why you're here, isn't it? Do you want to have breakfast now, or have a lie-in?"
"I'd better get up now. If I'm awake and alone, my thoughts will just start chasing themselves."
So the girls changed into Muggle clothes for the day: jeans and pullover shirts. They went down to the kitchen and Penelope used her wand to make a breakfast of bangers, pancakes, oatmeal and pumpkin juice. "It's nice cooking for someone," she said, setting the food down on the table. "I cook for my parents a few days a week. They enjoy the break, and I was--I was practicing up for Percy." She sat down heavily, just looking at her food for a minute.
Cho, who thought she knew what Penelope was thinking, watched her silently. In a minute, Penelope snapped back to the kitchen. "Well," she said happily to Cho, "the breakfast meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club will now come to order."
Cho relaxed, too, smiled and started eating, but thought about Penelope even as they were chatting over breakfast. She's helped me so much, Cho thought, and now we both need help.
xxx
The office of the "grief counsellor" was located in Caius College, Cambridge. Cho's appointment was at one o'clock, so they decided to make their way there slowly, touring some of the university grounds.
Penelope had hoped to take Cho to Denny Abbey, five miles outside of Cambridge proper. It was the ruins of a Benedictine monastery from the Twelfth Century, and in its time had played host to a number of other orders of monks and nuns. "It's not convenient today," Penelope said as they walked toward the campus; "maybe next time. It's where I go when I want to be alone." She paused for a second. "That's been quite a bit lately."
"Maybe we should both talk to this doctor of yours," Cho suggested.
"Our problems are different," Penelope sighed. "At least I can talk to Percy, and I would, if he ever bothered to return any of my Floo messages. But he still insists that I say that he's right and all the others are wrong, and I can't do that."
They spent part of the morning walking along the River Cam, that ran through the campus and was a tourist attraction in itself. Punts were moving up and down the river. Still, as picturesque as the river was, that wasn't where Penelope was taking Cho.
They walked until they arrived at the Cambridge Botanical Gardens--one of the great natural displays in all of England. Cho was fascinated, as they moved from garden to greenhouse, looking at the wide variety of plant life, from meadow to desert. Still, Cho couldn't help noticing that, for all the species there, a great many were missing.
"Well, you can't have any of the maneaters about," Penelope explained, "Devil's Snare or anything like that. The poor Muggles would be defenseless."
"Still, I'm sure Sprout would love this place!"
"I actually bumped into her here one summer. My parents would take me here all the time when I was little, but I'd just gotten home from my Second Year, and it was my first real look at herbology. So I came through the Glasshouse here, and it's as if I was seeing everything for the first time instead of the ninth or tenth. Anyway, I'm coming out of the Glasshouse, and just down the path I see Sprout! She's dressed like a Muggle, in a traveling-cloak; no matter that it was July. I so wanted to call out to her, but instead I just sort of followed her for a while, until she saw me. Then for the rest of the afternoon we..." Penny realized that Cho had stopped on the path several paces back. She stood still, one hand over her eyes. "What's wrong?"
Cho could hardly speak without choking; it took her more than a minute to get the words out. "I ... We used to meet by the greenhouses. It's just too many memories; I'm sorry."
"Think nothing of it," Penelope smiled, putting an arm around Cho's shoulders. "This is like your first day at Hogwarts, isn't it? I was afraid you'd turn out to be a weeper, but you weren't."
"These days I'm more of a screamer, I'm afraid."
"Well, that's why we're here. Come on, then; if we're going to have lunch at all before your appointment."
They found a shaded spot off of the trails, and had a short lunch of sandwiches and pastries Penelope had baked for the occasion. Cho hardly ate a bite or said a word. Penelope simply let her be; then, as the hour drew closer to one, they went off to the buildings that make up Caius College.
They went into one building, and through a maze of corridors that, while not as changeable as the halls of Hogwarts, was still confusing enough. They finally found the office door they wanted:
JKR Angetrang, Department of Psychology.
"She's a colleague of my mum's," Penelope had explained on the walk over. "The name is Dutch, but that's her husband's; she's from Scotland. They say she's very good at what she does. I hope so, for your sake."
Cho could only manage a small, weak smile in reply.
Penelope squeezed Cho's shoulder. "I'll wait in the corridor until you're through."
Cho nodded and knocked lightly on the door.
"Come in," answered a voice inside the office.
Cho walked into what she had always thought an academic office would look like: there were bookcases on most of the walls, and books were piled onto them in any old order; and papers were piled on top of the books. Yet she had the sense that the occupant of the office knew exactly where everything was, and had simply to put out her hand to find it.
The occupant, Dr. Angetrang, was short and a bit stocky; her ginger-coloured hair was streaked with silver, and, although she wore a starched white blouse and pale blue skirt, had a casual air about her. She stood up and reached across her large wooden desk to shake hands with Cho as if she was very glad to see her; then she settled back down in her chair as Cho sat in hers. The doctor put her fingertips together and looked at Cho through very lively eyes.
"Emma Clearwater sent you to me, did she?" she asked without the slightest Scots accent in her voice.
"Well, I know her daughter Penelope. We went to school together."
"Which one?"
This was one of those Muggle questions Cho had prepared for. "It's up north. just over the border; you won't have heard of it."
"Try me; I hiked all over the tors when I was growing up."
This made Cho nervous. If she had hiked all over the area, though, the protective charms would have kept her away. "It's a very small place, just about an hour north of Snitter's Run."
"It does have a name, doesn't it?"
Cho had to think fast: "Saint Rowena's Academy."
"Hmm." Dr. Angetrang sat still for a moment, then smiled. "I guess I don't know the country as well as I should. Serves me right for boasting."
"Penelope says your name is Dutch."
"My husband's name. Have you ever been, then?"
"We were in Amsterdam for a week this summer. Father insisted on showing us the wartime hiding places and--" Cho cut herself off in horror. She was about to tell this Muggle about the hiding places wizards used during the war against Grindelwald.
But the doctor simply nodded her head. "Like the Frank house, eh? But we're here about your problems, aren't we? Start at the begining, then."
Again, Cho had rehearsed what she would tell the doctor; it would be enough, but not exactly a lie. "I was asked to a school dance last Christmas by a boy at school, named Cedric. After that, we started seeing a lot of each other; we even talked of marriage on one occasion. But then, last June, he was in an athletic competition at the school; something went wrong, and he died. Since then, well, do I have to tell you?"
"I think I can guess, but you'd be better saying it."
"Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by feelings. They just come up, like a wave. I can hardly move or speak; all I can do is cry or scream. And then there are nightmares..." Cho found that she couldn't go on; she buried her face in her hands and started weeping.
She went on like that for a minute, as the doctor simply sat and looked at her. After a minute, though, Dr. Angetrang rose from her chair, walked to a shelf, and started pulling out books.
"D'you see these, then?" She stacked five thick volumes on the corner of her desk. "Every one of those books predicted exactly what you'd say when you walked through that door. The fact is, all of us who lose a loved one go through pretty much the same reactions; the degrees may vary, but the reactions are the same. Your reactions have been very violent because his death was so sudden and public."
"Will I be over it by the end of the month? I don't think I can go back to school like this."
"My dear, this isn't a head-cold we're talking about. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. These feelings will come unbidden; something may remind you of your friend, or absolutely nothing will remind you. It's just that the shock and sorrow will hit you by surprise."
"But I've already caused so many problems for my parents..."
"I'm sure they understand why you're acting this way. If you have understanding friends at school, then just let the emotions happen. That's the only way to get them to lessen and end. If you try to put a stopper on everything, then pressure just builds up and it'll all come out eventually, only worse."
"But how can I possibly get along with everyone if I keep on like this?"
"What's important is that they allow you to talk about it, whenever you like, for as long as you like. That's the only way to get it out of your system and for your emotions to settle down. Do you have a counsellor at your school?"
"Not as such. There's the Head of our House, or the professor in the hospital wing--"
"Yes, yes," Dr. Angetrang interrupted, "but what about Prefects and such--someone closer to your own age?"
"Well, I, I'd like to think that they'd listen to me. Not all the time, perhaps--"
"This isn't about convenience, Miss Chang. It's about other people being patient with you during the grieving process; more importantly, you must be patient with yourself. You mustn't expect everything to run on a schedule like a train. You will feel bursts of emotion, and there's nothing you can do to avoid it. But you can talk about it, and you really should, at the first opportunity. Is there anyone who shares your feelings about the dead boy?"
Cho had wondered about this; about the last person who saw Cedric alive. Was he shocked as well? Was he given to sudden arguments this summer, to outbursts of emotion that were unlike him, to horrible dreams? "I think there might be, yes."
"Then seek that person out and have a good long talk. It will help you see your way clear. The sooner you do, the sooner the grieving will take its course.
"But let me give you one last warning. Drinking or drugs have never shortened the grieving process; quite the opposite, in fact. Some people think they feel much better, but all they've done is put a stopper on the bottle, as I said. You were born with these emotions for a reason, my dear, and now is the time to use them. Do you understand?" Cho nodded. "Well, then, here's my card. If you absolutely can't find anyone at school to help you, don't be afraid to pick up a telephone and reverse the charges."
No telephone would ever work on the Hogwarts grounds, and Cho knew this, but she simply nodded at Dr. Angetrang, shook her hand and left the office.
Penelope had almost dozed off reading a pocket-sized novel by Prangboller when Cho stepped out of the office. They walked together silently out of the building, and it wasn't until they were back in the August sun that Penelope asked, "How did it go?"
"Not at all well. I wanted to stop throwing these emotional fits, and she's telling me I should go ahead and throw them, and trust that my friends will understand."
"Well, they will, won't they?"
"Penny, we're talking about Ravenclaw House. With us it's minds first, hearts second."
"Sounds like it might be a rough year," Penelope nodded.
Still, Cho thought, she did say to talk to someone if I feel the need; someone who'd understand. It's funny if all of this means that I have to make an effort to talk to Harry Potter...
xxx
Cho explained what Dr. Angetrang had said that evening to her parents.
Lotus Chang's reaction was swift and expected. "Sounds like typical Muggle rubbish."
"You can't say that. This is what they do. Muggles die tragic deaths too, you know; this is how they try to cope."
"Fine. She gave you her card, did she? Next time you wake us all up with the terrors, I'll just run out through the Leaky Cauldron, find a telephone, call her, and then SHE can come down here and give you the Draught of Peace!"
"Mother, I'm sorry if I'm being a bother, but I'm not enjoying any of this! Stop making it sound as if I'm just doing it to spite you!"
Lotus shot up from her chair, grabbed her plate off of the table, and marched into the kitchen. Cho ran to her bedroom and slammed the door. Chang Xiemin and Chairman Miao simply looked at each other, resigned to two more weeks of arguments until Cho went back to school.
xxx
to be continued in part 6, wherein Cho makes a fateful decision
A/N: The advice from Dr. Angetrang is a summary of "The Mourner's Bill of Rights" by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, which appears to be part of the mainstream of grief therapy. It's interesting to think that, while many readers dismissed Cho as an opportunist (or worse) for trying to talk to Harry about Cedric, she may have just been "following doctor's orders".
The name Angetrang is from a throwaway line in a favorite movie of mine; it's an early Whoopi Goldberg film, co-starring Jonathan Pryce (who really ought to be used in the the Potter films somewhere): "Jumping Jack Flash". I hope I don't have to explain the doctor's initials.
By monkeymouse
NB: JKRowling built the Potterverse; I'm just redecorating one of the rooms. And one of the great things about JKR telling the story from Harry's point of view is that stuff could be happening all over Hogwarts that Harry isn't aware of.
Rated: PG
Spoilers: Everything
xxx
5. A Professional
Cho's appointment wasn't until one o'clock in the afternoon, so there was no need to set an alarm. Cho and Penelope both woke up about an hour after sunrise.
"How did you sleep?" Penelope asked, smiling but with a bit of worry behind her eyes.
"Perfectly," Cho sighed and stretched. "Best rest I've had in months. Thank you for inviting me over, Penny; I really needed this."
"I wish you could stay longer than just the one night, then. Maybe you just need a change of scenery."
"No, I wouldn't wish that on you. I know it'll come on me sooner or later, and I..." Cho had to pause. "I'm terrified of going back to Hogwarts. Everything there will remind me of him."
Penny nodded. "Well, that's why you're here, isn't it? Do you want to have breakfast now, or have a lie-in?"
"I'd better get up now. If I'm awake and alone, my thoughts will just start chasing themselves."
So the girls changed into Muggle clothes for the day: jeans and pullover shirts. They went down to the kitchen and Penelope used her wand to make a breakfast of bangers, pancakes, oatmeal and pumpkin juice. "It's nice cooking for someone," she said, setting the food down on the table. "I cook for my parents a few days a week. They enjoy the break, and I was--I was practicing up for Percy." She sat down heavily, just looking at her food for a minute.
Cho, who thought she knew what Penelope was thinking, watched her silently. In a minute, Penelope snapped back to the kitchen. "Well," she said happily to Cho, "the breakfast meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club will now come to order."
Cho relaxed, too, smiled and started eating, but thought about Penelope even as they were chatting over breakfast. She's helped me so much, Cho thought, and now we both need help.
xxx
The office of the "grief counsellor" was located in Caius College, Cambridge. Cho's appointment was at one o'clock, so they decided to make their way there slowly, touring some of the university grounds.
Penelope had hoped to take Cho to Denny Abbey, five miles outside of Cambridge proper. It was the ruins of a Benedictine monastery from the Twelfth Century, and in its time had played host to a number of other orders of monks and nuns. "It's not convenient today," Penelope said as they walked toward the campus; "maybe next time. It's where I go when I want to be alone." She paused for a second. "That's been quite a bit lately."
"Maybe we should both talk to this doctor of yours," Cho suggested.
"Our problems are different," Penelope sighed. "At least I can talk to Percy, and I would, if he ever bothered to return any of my Floo messages. But he still insists that I say that he's right and all the others are wrong, and I can't do that."
They spent part of the morning walking along the River Cam, that ran through the campus and was a tourist attraction in itself. Punts were moving up and down the river. Still, as picturesque as the river was, that wasn't where Penelope was taking Cho.
They walked until they arrived at the Cambridge Botanical Gardens--one of the great natural displays in all of England. Cho was fascinated, as they moved from garden to greenhouse, looking at the wide variety of plant life, from meadow to desert. Still, Cho couldn't help noticing that, for all the species there, a great many were missing.
"Well, you can't have any of the maneaters about," Penelope explained, "Devil's Snare or anything like that. The poor Muggles would be defenseless."
"Still, I'm sure Sprout would love this place!"
"I actually bumped into her here one summer. My parents would take me here all the time when I was little, but I'd just gotten home from my Second Year, and it was my first real look at herbology. So I came through the Glasshouse here, and it's as if I was seeing everything for the first time instead of the ninth or tenth. Anyway, I'm coming out of the Glasshouse, and just down the path I see Sprout! She's dressed like a Muggle, in a traveling-cloak; no matter that it was July. I so wanted to call out to her, but instead I just sort of followed her for a while, until she saw me. Then for the rest of the afternoon we..." Penny realized that Cho had stopped on the path several paces back. She stood still, one hand over her eyes. "What's wrong?"
Cho could hardly speak without choking; it took her more than a minute to get the words out. "I ... We used to meet by the greenhouses. It's just too many memories; I'm sorry."
"Think nothing of it," Penelope smiled, putting an arm around Cho's shoulders. "This is like your first day at Hogwarts, isn't it? I was afraid you'd turn out to be a weeper, but you weren't."
"These days I'm more of a screamer, I'm afraid."
"Well, that's why we're here. Come on, then; if we're going to have lunch at all before your appointment."
They found a shaded spot off of the trails, and had a short lunch of sandwiches and pastries Penelope had baked for the occasion. Cho hardly ate a bite or said a word. Penelope simply let her be; then, as the hour drew closer to one, they went off to the buildings that make up Caius College.
They went into one building, and through a maze of corridors that, while not as changeable as the halls of Hogwarts, was still confusing enough. They finally found the office door they wanted:
JKR Angetrang, Department of Psychology.
"She's a colleague of my mum's," Penelope had explained on the walk over. "The name is Dutch, but that's her husband's; she's from Scotland. They say she's very good at what she does. I hope so, for your sake."
Cho could only manage a small, weak smile in reply.
Penelope squeezed Cho's shoulder. "I'll wait in the corridor until you're through."
Cho nodded and knocked lightly on the door.
"Come in," answered a voice inside the office.
Cho walked into what she had always thought an academic office would look like: there were bookcases on most of the walls, and books were piled onto them in any old order; and papers were piled on top of the books. Yet she had the sense that the occupant of the office knew exactly where everything was, and had simply to put out her hand to find it.
The occupant, Dr. Angetrang, was short and a bit stocky; her ginger-coloured hair was streaked with silver, and, although she wore a starched white blouse and pale blue skirt, had a casual air about her. She stood up and reached across her large wooden desk to shake hands with Cho as if she was very glad to see her; then she settled back down in her chair as Cho sat in hers. The doctor put her fingertips together and looked at Cho through very lively eyes.
"Emma Clearwater sent you to me, did she?" she asked without the slightest Scots accent in her voice.
"Well, I know her daughter Penelope. We went to school together."
"Which one?"
This was one of those Muggle questions Cho had prepared for. "It's up north. just over the border; you won't have heard of it."
"Try me; I hiked all over the tors when I was growing up."
This made Cho nervous. If she had hiked all over the area, though, the protective charms would have kept her away. "It's a very small place, just about an hour north of Snitter's Run."
"It does have a name, doesn't it?"
Cho had to think fast: "Saint Rowena's Academy."
"Hmm." Dr. Angetrang sat still for a moment, then smiled. "I guess I don't know the country as well as I should. Serves me right for boasting."
"Penelope says your name is Dutch."
"My husband's name. Have you ever been, then?"
"We were in Amsterdam for a week this summer. Father insisted on showing us the wartime hiding places and--" Cho cut herself off in horror. She was about to tell this Muggle about the hiding places wizards used during the war against Grindelwald.
But the doctor simply nodded her head. "Like the Frank house, eh? But we're here about your problems, aren't we? Start at the begining, then."
Again, Cho had rehearsed what she would tell the doctor; it would be enough, but not exactly a lie. "I was asked to a school dance last Christmas by a boy at school, named Cedric. After that, we started seeing a lot of each other; we even talked of marriage on one occasion. But then, last June, he was in an athletic competition at the school; something went wrong, and he died. Since then, well, do I have to tell you?"
"I think I can guess, but you'd be better saying it."
"Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by feelings. They just come up, like a wave. I can hardly move or speak; all I can do is cry or scream. And then there are nightmares..." Cho found that she couldn't go on; she buried her face in her hands and started weeping.
She went on like that for a minute, as the doctor simply sat and looked at her. After a minute, though, Dr. Angetrang rose from her chair, walked to a shelf, and started pulling out books.
"D'you see these, then?" She stacked five thick volumes on the corner of her desk. "Every one of those books predicted exactly what you'd say when you walked through that door. The fact is, all of us who lose a loved one go through pretty much the same reactions; the degrees may vary, but the reactions are the same. Your reactions have been very violent because his death was so sudden and public."
"Will I be over it by the end of the month? I don't think I can go back to school like this."
"My dear, this isn't a head-cold we're talking about. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. These feelings will come unbidden; something may remind you of your friend, or absolutely nothing will remind you. It's just that the shock and sorrow will hit you by surprise."
"But I've already caused so many problems for my parents..."
"I'm sure they understand why you're acting this way. If you have understanding friends at school, then just let the emotions happen. That's the only way to get them to lessen and end. If you try to put a stopper on everything, then pressure just builds up and it'll all come out eventually, only worse."
"But how can I possibly get along with everyone if I keep on like this?"
"What's important is that they allow you to talk about it, whenever you like, for as long as you like. That's the only way to get it out of your system and for your emotions to settle down. Do you have a counsellor at your school?"
"Not as such. There's the Head of our House, or the professor in the hospital wing--"
"Yes, yes," Dr. Angetrang interrupted, "but what about Prefects and such--someone closer to your own age?"
"Well, I, I'd like to think that they'd listen to me. Not all the time, perhaps--"
"This isn't about convenience, Miss Chang. It's about other people being patient with you during the grieving process; more importantly, you must be patient with yourself. You mustn't expect everything to run on a schedule like a train. You will feel bursts of emotion, and there's nothing you can do to avoid it. But you can talk about it, and you really should, at the first opportunity. Is there anyone who shares your feelings about the dead boy?"
Cho had wondered about this; about the last person who saw Cedric alive. Was he shocked as well? Was he given to sudden arguments this summer, to outbursts of emotion that were unlike him, to horrible dreams? "I think there might be, yes."
"Then seek that person out and have a good long talk. It will help you see your way clear. The sooner you do, the sooner the grieving will take its course.
"But let me give you one last warning. Drinking or drugs have never shortened the grieving process; quite the opposite, in fact. Some people think they feel much better, but all they've done is put a stopper on the bottle, as I said. You were born with these emotions for a reason, my dear, and now is the time to use them. Do you understand?" Cho nodded. "Well, then, here's my card. If you absolutely can't find anyone at school to help you, don't be afraid to pick up a telephone and reverse the charges."
No telephone would ever work on the Hogwarts grounds, and Cho knew this, but she simply nodded at Dr. Angetrang, shook her hand and left the office.
Penelope had almost dozed off reading a pocket-sized novel by Prangboller when Cho stepped out of the office. They walked together silently out of the building, and it wasn't until they were back in the August sun that Penelope asked, "How did it go?"
"Not at all well. I wanted to stop throwing these emotional fits, and she's telling me I should go ahead and throw them, and trust that my friends will understand."
"Well, they will, won't they?"
"Penny, we're talking about Ravenclaw House. With us it's minds first, hearts second."
"Sounds like it might be a rough year," Penelope nodded.
Still, Cho thought, she did say to talk to someone if I feel the need; someone who'd understand. It's funny if all of this means that I have to make an effort to talk to Harry Potter...
xxx
Cho explained what Dr. Angetrang had said that evening to her parents.
Lotus Chang's reaction was swift and expected. "Sounds like typical Muggle rubbish."
"You can't say that. This is what they do. Muggles die tragic deaths too, you know; this is how they try to cope."
"Fine. She gave you her card, did she? Next time you wake us all up with the terrors, I'll just run out through the Leaky Cauldron, find a telephone, call her, and then SHE can come down here and give you the Draught of Peace!"
"Mother, I'm sorry if I'm being a bother, but I'm not enjoying any of this! Stop making it sound as if I'm just doing it to spite you!"
Lotus shot up from her chair, grabbed her plate off of the table, and marched into the kitchen. Cho ran to her bedroom and slammed the door. Chang Xiemin and Chairman Miao simply looked at each other, resigned to two more weeks of arguments until Cho went back to school.
xxx
to be continued in part 6, wherein Cho makes a fateful decision
A/N: The advice from Dr. Angetrang is a summary of "The Mourner's Bill of Rights" by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, which appears to be part of the mainstream of grief therapy. It's interesting to think that, while many readers dismissed Cho as an opportunist (or worse) for trying to talk to Harry about Cedric, she may have just been "following doctor's orders".
The name Angetrang is from a throwaway line in a favorite movie of mine; it's an early Whoopi Goldberg film, co-starring Jonathan Pryce (who really ought to be used in the the Potter films somewhere): "Jumping Jack Flash". I hope I don't have to explain the doctor's initials.