He looked at her, with a softened gaze. He knew what he had to tell her,
and yet he didn't want to. It was a moment like this when he wished for
Albus' guidance, the old wizard had been so good at talks like this, no
matter who it was. He pushed the thought of the old man who had been a
second father to him out of his mind, preferring to forget about what had
happened to the man that had selflessly martyred himself, he knew better
than to show emotion around the ones he was supposed to lead.
He never knew why he had accepted the role, true, this was a cause that he felt strongly for, but he had his doubts about whether he could lead people. The real leader of it, a young charismatic Irish lad had come to him and asked him if he could help them out in England, to organize, to train the witches and wizards who wanted to fight for the cause. He had reluctantly agreed, knowing that his past had put him as the best person for the job, as a former double agent and a teacher, he knew what he needed to teach these people, and he knew how to teach it.
But it was moments like this, this wasn't the first time he'd had to have this conversation with someone, that made him rethink his choice. He was an evil old man, who had done as much harm as good in his life, but he still felt somewhat guilty every time he found himself corrupting another youth, another young witch or wizard who had come into the dingy old room bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to help, ready to prove their worth in the wizarding community. He hated himself when they walked out, dark and sullen, he hated himself when they came back hardened and as cold as he after they did what they had to do, what he trained them to do.
But it was something that needed to be done, plain and simple. He knew that this was for their good, he knew that it was for his own good. He knew that if these young people had wanted to strongly enough, they would have found someone else to train them, or even worse, attempt to go through with things without any training. At least he was helping them save their own lives by training them how to defend themselves. That's all it is, self defense, he convinced himself. Preemptive strikes to stop themselves from getting hurt.
"Miss Granger, I'm sure that you had an idea of what you were getting yourself into when you walked through that door." She nodded, and he looked over her. She was so young, she had a bright future ahead of her, either as a witch or a muggle, but the way that she shied away from Draco's question led him to believe that the past years had not gone smoothly at all for her. A shame, he thought, for someone so bright to not get a chance to really show her talents. Even now, she couldn't really show off all the knowledge that he knew she possessed.
"I saw the look on your face when I told you to do whatever it takes. Sometimes that's the only way to do things." He said, looking almost through her. Of all the people in the world he didn't want to be telling this to, she was at the top of his list. But she had come in to here willing to help, he wasn't going to stop her. He wasn't going to stop someone as bright as her from helping, Merlin knew that she was putting her talents to more use here than she ever could in the muggle world. "I thought I had seen the end of violence after Voldemort's fall. As much as I don't like it, they've left us no choice. If you don't think that you can handle that, I won't hold it against you, and you can leave."
He saw the stubborn anger flare in her eyes. He knew that she always wanted to help, and wouldn't let anyone tell her that she couldn't. "I don't care what it takes." She said, her voice cold and collected. He nodded at her.
"Miss Granger, I appreciate your eagerness. Just remember, this is an underground organization, waging a war. As you undoubtedly know, wars are never pleasant things. You will have to put your feelings aside, you are a soldier now. If you still think that this is the path you should choose after sleeping on this decision, I'll see you here again tomorrow night. If after you think about it, don't think you can stomach the things you will have to do, some of which are things that the Deatheaters could barely stomach, you choose not to come back, I will hold nothing against you."
He kept his voice in check for the entire speech. He knew she would be coming back, but he wanted to make it perfectly clear to her that it was not a pleasant thing that they were doing. He wanted to make it perfectly clear to her that she would have to kill, that there would be blood on her hands that she would become as cold and as heartless as he was, as Draco was becoming. He didn't want to have to see her small fragile form crouched over a toilet after the first time she was forced to kill, he didn't want to see or hear her wrecked by nightmares on those nights he knew she would find herself asleep here in this old building. He didn't want her to become like him.
"Miss Granger, if I see you tomorrow, farewell until then. If I don't, have a prosperous life." He said with his voice emotionless, as he turned back to staring into the fire, listening as she got up out of the chair to leave.
END OF CHAPTER 9
A/N I always thought that Sev had a guilty conscious. I think it's why he wanted to teach DADA, he could show that dark magic is bad, and how it turns people into shells, not unlike himself. I'm trying hard to keep him in character throughout, although points like this make it difficult. If I stray, please tell me, and I'll work hard to bring him back.
He never knew why he had accepted the role, true, this was a cause that he felt strongly for, but he had his doubts about whether he could lead people. The real leader of it, a young charismatic Irish lad had come to him and asked him if he could help them out in England, to organize, to train the witches and wizards who wanted to fight for the cause. He had reluctantly agreed, knowing that his past had put him as the best person for the job, as a former double agent and a teacher, he knew what he needed to teach these people, and he knew how to teach it.
But it was moments like this, this wasn't the first time he'd had to have this conversation with someone, that made him rethink his choice. He was an evil old man, who had done as much harm as good in his life, but he still felt somewhat guilty every time he found himself corrupting another youth, another young witch or wizard who had come into the dingy old room bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to help, ready to prove their worth in the wizarding community. He hated himself when they walked out, dark and sullen, he hated himself when they came back hardened and as cold as he after they did what they had to do, what he trained them to do.
But it was something that needed to be done, plain and simple. He knew that this was for their good, he knew that it was for his own good. He knew that if these young people had wanted to strongly enough, they would have found someone else to train them, or even worse, attempt to go through with things without any training. At least he was helping them save their own lives by training them how to defend themselves. That's all it is, self defense, he convinced himself. Preemptive strikes to stop themselves from getting hurt.
"Miss Granger, I'm sure that you had an idea of what you were getting yourself into when you walked through that door." She nodded, and he looked over her. She was so young, she had a bright future ahead of her, either as a witch or a muggle, but the way that she shied away from Draco's question led him to believe that the past years had not gone smoothly at all for her. A shame, he thought, for someone so bright to not get a chance to really show her talents. Even now, she couldn't really show off all the knowledge that he knew she possessed.
"I saw the look on your face when I told you to do whatever it takes. Sometimes that's the only way to do things." He said, looking almost through her. Of all the people in the world he didn't want to be telling this to, she was at the top of his list. But she had come in to here willing to help, he wasn't going to stop her. He wasn't going to stop someone as bright as her from helping, Merlin knew that she was putting her talents to more use here than she ever could in the muggle world. "I thought I had seen the end of violence after Voldemort's fall. As much as I don't like it, they've left us no choice. If you don't think that you can handle that, I won't hold it against you, and you can leave."
He saw the stubborn anger flare in her eyes. He knew that she always wanted to help, and wouldn't let anyone tell her that she couldn't. "I don't care what it takes." She said, her voice cold and collected. He nodded at her.
"Miss Granger, I appreciate your eagerness. Just remember, this is an underground organization, waging a war. As you undoubtedly know, wars are never pleasant things. You will have to put your feelings aside, you are a soldier now. If you still think that this is the path you should choose after sleeping on this decision, I'll see you here again tomorrow night. If after you think about it, don't think you can stomach the things you will have to do, some of which are things that the Deatheaters could barely stomach, you choose not to come back, I will hold nothing against you."
He kept his voice in check for the entire speech. He knew she would be coming back, but he wanted to make it perfectly clear to her that it was not a pleasant thing that they were doing. He wanted to make it perfectly clear to her that she would have to kill, that there would be blood on her hands that she would become as cold and as heartless as he was, as Draco was becoming. He didn't want to have to see her small fragile form crouched over a toilet after the first time she was forced to kill, he didn't want to see or hear her wrecked by nightmares on those nights he knew she would find herself asleep here in this old building. He didn't want her to become like him.
"Miss Granger, if I see you tomorrow, farewell until then. If I don't, have a prosperous life." He said with his voice emotionless, as he turned back to staring into the fire, listening as she got up out of the chair to leave.
END OF CHAPTER 9
A/N I always thought that Sev had a guilty conscious. I think it's why he wanted to teach DADA, he could show that dark magic is bad, and how it turns people into shells, not unlike himself. I'm trying hard to keep him in character throughout, although points like this make it difficult. If I stray, please tell me, and I'll work hard to bring him back.