Summary- Something yadda yadda, see 'Chapter One' for summary.
Rating- R, due to language and my personal goal in life to pervert everything I write in some way or another.
Authoress Ramblings- You like me! You really like me! I could just cry my eyes out at the response I've gotten! Two whole reviews so far! I'm sooo happy! No, seriously....I am.....a review is a review is a review, right? Right. Anyhow, I'd like to shed light onto this chapter you are about to read. This chapter deals with America bashing and Draco being a bit on the estupido side, so please, do us all a favor and learn to deal. Hmm...let me see.....well, I guess I can ramble about the inspiration to this story. The inspiration solely came from an episode of Family Guy where Brian and Stewie (sp?) are trying to get home after Brian gets drunk and they lose their plane tickets back to Maine....yes, I will have some exciting drunk jokes (you can't have a humor story without a few drunk scenes) and I plan on continuing with my fun 'parchment' segments in the future, but I doubt I'll use them for introductions again.....that was harder to write then you'd think. Anyhow, read, review and above all....get off my property.
Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter, or really anything.
Chapter 2- Bumpkin USA
The two boys waved good-bye to their ride and took a good look around them. It appeared to be that they were somewhere outside of California, but as to their exact location they had no idea. The two decided to simply ask the driver to take them to the nearest place they could stay, which had actually taken them on a long journey with their driver Baxter and his amazing useless trivia skills. Harry shuddered to think of how Baxter found out turkey genitals tasted surprisingly like chicken.
So here they were outside of a sleazy motel that only appeared to have approximately...let's see....zero customers. Harry was about to walk through the door when he was stopped by Draco roughly grabbing a hold of his arm. "Oh, let me guess....'A Malfoy will never stoop so low as to sleep here!'." Harry said as he quickly pulled his arm out of Draco's grip.
Draco rolled his eyes and shook his head before he spoke. "I think I should do the talking. I mean I AM in muggle studies, and we did just watch a documentary on muggles in America. Trust me...I think I should take care of this." With this said Draco walked into the motel with Harry close behind.
The person behind the counter put down an issue of The National Inquirer and stared at the two boys with a bored expression on his face. "Can I help you?"
Draco was ready for him. He puffed up his chest, pointed at the man with his pointer finger and suddenly developed a Queens accent. "Now listen here ya'll! This here is my cousin's baby's daddy, and I'm his lesbian lover! Now I don't want any fuckin' shit from you about me bein' a fuckin' home wrecker, because I take damn good care of him! I been takin' care of him since we was growin' up together with our three moms and six dads! It's not my fault they lost track of who had which baby, that's one of my mom's faults! So don't you go treatin' me like I'm a prize to be won because I AM WOMAN, HERE ME ROAR!"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Harry wasn't sure what to do first- laugh his arse off, or try to correct him.
"Oh, so that's how it is, huh?! I hate you, you bitch! You walkin' around town with your 'My boobs are so huge' attitude! Well with a few more upgrades I'll be more woman then you can handle!" Draco then snapped his fingers in Harry's face and twisted his hips around.
The man behind the counter folded his National Inquirer and made to say something, but was stopped by Draco's left hand in his face. "Talk to the hand 'cause the face don't wanna hear it chico. AND YOU! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?!" Draco screamed at Harry while the aforementioned held back tears of laughter. "Oh Gods baby, I'm sorry, come on, let's go get married again." Draco then dipped down on one knee in front of Harry and hugged onto his hips. "I love you two, I really do!" He then patted Harry's abdomen and stared at the man behind the counter.
The man behind the counter sighed and wheeled his chair back to a board of keys, and lazily threw Harry one of the many keys on the hooks. "You'll be in room 106."
Harry and Draco burst into the motel room with Harry in a strong fit of giggles. In the meantime Draco looked around the room in disgust and then set his eyes onto Potter. "What the fuck are you laughing at?!"
The Boy-Who-Lived calmed himself down enough to speak, but still fought back giggles as he did so. "W-what documentary on American muggles did you w-watch?"
Draco huffed loudly and crossed his arms. "It was actually a very interesting documentary called 'The Best of Jerry Springer', and with your reaction I'd say you don't understand American muggles in the least." Draco then took his seat on one of the beds in the room. He looked around and stopped in mid-glance as he realized he wasn't sitting on one of the beds....he was sitting on THE bed. "Sweet Merlin NO."
Harry absent mindedly sat on the bed as well and tried his best to hold down his giggles. "What? It's just a water bed." Harry then stopped his laughs entirely as he registered the room for the first time. "Oh......one bed."
Harry and Draco stared at each other for a moment, then down at the bed in question. An awkward silence wafted over them as they realized there wasn't a couch, chair or really anything else of the sort in the room. Harry coughed softly and was the first to speak. "Good thing we're lesbian lovers."
Whoo! End chapter two! Damn am I cranking out these chapters or what? I must be a lot more bored then I thought I was. Don't worry.....I have some really great ideas coming up, and yes......they are along the same lines as this sort of thing. Poor Draco doesn't realize he just made a complete arse of himself....poor, poor dear. ::giggle:: Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and honestly, if you have ANY suggestions for bizarre things to happen, or suggestions for other characters or WHATEVER, please just tell me and I will do my best to add it in. Frankly, I only know that at some point they'll be going to Vegas, there will be a chapter devoted to Alfred Hitchcock jokes and eventually they go home.....but those aren't for quite a while! So please, make suggestions or this story will BOMB. Anyhow, I had a lot of fun writing Draco's Jerry Springer babblings.....it was so amusing, you could not believe it. The funny thing is I have a very good friend of mine from Queens and I based most of his ramblings on stuff we talk about....I've actually only watched Jerry Springer once, and I thought it was the worst piece of shit I had ever watched. Seriously, it was worse then Barney.....though the people were good for a laugh (then again, those Barney kids weren't exactly geniuses, if you catch my drift). Wow my rambling has gone on for long enough! Well, please review this chapter and I swear I'll be working on the next one! I PROMISE! I already have a vague idea of what I can do, but remember.....I need YOUR help.
Over and out from Whoa Tamo, Psychic Spade.
PS- I would like to thank my two reviewers!
Bryjin- Thank you so much! I hope this met your standards, because I don't like the idea of getting hexed!
Katrina- Thank you! I understand if you didn't read my fic.....the only person other then myself that read it was my friend Chris, and I forced him to. He liked it though, hee. I would love to contact you but I'm afraid I can't as I don't have email for some odd reason! But if you click on my name and go to my profile, the story is 'Cleaning My Closet'.
Thanks again you two! You honestly made my day! Hug hug, kiss kiss! Ciao!
Rating- R, due to language and my personal goal in life to pervert everything I write in some way or another.
Authoress Ramblings- You like me! You really like me! I could just cry my eyes out at the response I've gotten! Two whole reviews so far! I'm sooo happy! No, seriously....I am.....a review is a review is a review, right? Right. Anyhow, I'd like to shed light onto this chapter you are about to read. This chapter deals with America bashing and Draco being a bit on the estupido side, so please, do us all a favor and learn to deal. Hmm...let me see.....well, I guess I can ramble about the inspiration to this story. The inspiration solely came from an episode of Family Guy where Brian and Stewie (sp?) are trying to get home after Brian gets drunk and they lose their plane tickets back to Maine....yes, I will have some exciting drunk jokes (you can't have a humor story without a few drunk scenes) and I plan on continuing with my fun 'parchment' segments in the future, but I doubt I'll use them for introductions again.....that was harder to write then you'd think. Anyhow, read, review and above all....get off my property.
Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter, or really anything.
Chapter 2- Bumpkin USA
The two boys waved good-bye to their ride and took a good look around them. It appeared to be that they were somewhere outside of California, but as to their exact location they had no idea. The two decided to simply ask the driver to take them to the nearest place they could stay, which had actually taken them on a long journey with their driver Baxter and his amazing useless trivia skills. Harry shuddered to think of how Baxter found out turkey genitals tasted surprisingly like chicken.
So here they were outside of a sleazy motel that only appeared to have approximately...let's see....zero customers. Harry was about to walk through the door when he was stopped by Draco roughly grabbing a hold of his arm. "Oh, let me guess....'A Malfoy will never stoop so low as to sleep here!'." Harry said as he quickly pulled his arm out of Draco's grip.
Draco rolled his eyes and shook his head before he spoke. "I think I should do the talking. I mean I AM in muggle studies, and we did just watch a documentary on muggles in America. Trust me...I think I should take care of this." With this said Draco walked into the motel with Harry close behind.
The person behind the counter put down an issue of The National Inquirer and stared at the two boys with a bored expression on his face. "Can I help you?"
Draco was ready for him. He puffed up his chest, pointed at the man with his pointer finger and suddenly developed a Queens accent. "Now listen here ya'll! This here is my cousin's baby's daddy, and I'm his lesbian lover! Now I don't want any fuckin' shit from you about me bein' a fuckin' home wrecker, because I take damn good care of him! I been takin' care of him since we was growin' up together with our three moms and six dads! It's not my fault they lost track of who had which baby, that's one of my mom's faults! So don't you go treatin' me like I'm a prize to be won because I AM WOMAN, HERE ME ROAR!"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Harry wasn't sure what to do first- laugh his arse off, or try to correct him.
"Oh, so that's how it is, huh?! I hate you, you bitch! You walkin' around town with your 'My boobs are so huge' attitude! Well with a few more upgrades I'll be more woman then you can handle!" Draco then snapped his fingers in Harry's face and twisted his hips around.
The man behind the counter folded his National Inquirer and made to say something, but was stopped by Draco's left hand in his face. "Talk to the hand 'cause the face don't wanna hear it chico. AND YOU! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?!" Draco screamed at Harry while the aforementioned held back tears of laughter. "Oh Gods baby, I'm sorry, come on, let's go get married again." Draco then dipped down on one knee in front of Harry and hugged onto his hips. "I love you two, I really do!" He then patted Harry's abdomen and stared at the man behind the counter.
The man behind the counter sighed and wheeled his chair back to a board of keys, and lazily threw Harry one of the many keys on the hooks. "You'll be in room 106."
Harry and Draco burst into the motel room with Harry in a strong fit of giggles. In the meantime Draco looked around the room in disgust and then set his eyes onto Potter. "What the fuck are you laughing at?!"
The Boy-Who-Lived calmed himself down enough to speak, but still fought back giggles as he did so. "W-what documentary on American muggles did you w-watch?"
Draco huffed loudly and crossed his arms. "It was actually a very interesting documentary called 'The Best of Jerry Springer', and with your reaction I'd say you don't understand American muggles in the least." Draco then took his seat on one of the beds in the room. He looked around and stopped in mid-glance as he realized he wasn't sitting on one of the beds....he was sitting on THE bed. "Sweet Merlin NO."
Harry absent mindedly sat on the bed as well and tried his best to hold down his giggles. "What? It's just a water bed." Harry then stopped his laughs entirely as he registered the room for the first time. "Oh......one bed."
Harry and Draco stared at each other for a moment, then down at the bed in question. An awkward silence wafted over them as they realized there wasn't a couch, chair or really anything else of the sort in the room. Harry coughed softly and was the first to speak. "Good thing we're lesbian lovers."
Whoo! End chapter two! Damn am I cranking out these chapters or what? I must be a lot more bored then I thought I was. Don't worry.....I have some really great ideas coming up, and yes......they are along the same lines as this sort of thing. Poor Draco doesn't realize he just made a complete arse of himself....poor, poor dear. ::giggle:: Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and honestly, if you have ANY suggestions for bizarre things to happen, or suggestions for other characters or WHATEVER, please just tell me and I will do my best to add it in. Frankly, I only know that at some point they'll be going to Vegas, there will be a chapter devoted to Alfred Hitchcock jokes and eventually they go home.....but those aren't for quite a while! So please, make suggestions or this story will BOMB. Anyhow, I had a lot of fun writing Draco's Jerry Springer babblings.....it was so amusing, you could not believe it. The funny thing is I have a very good friend of mine from Queens and I based most of his ramblings on stuff we talk about....I've actually only watched Jerry Springer once, and I thought it was the worst piece of shit I had ever watched. Seriously, it was worse then Barney.....though the people were good for a laugh (then again, those Barney kids weren't exactly geniuses, if you catch my drift). Wow my rambling has gone on for long enough! Well, please review this chapter and I swear I'll be working on the next one! I PROMISE! I already have a vague idea of what I can do, but remember.....I need YOUR help.
Over and out from Whoa Tamo, Psychic Spade.
PS- I would like to thank my two reviewers!
Bryjin- Thank you so much! I hope this met your standards, because I don't like the idea of getting hexed!
Katrina- Thank you! I understand if you didn't read my fic.....the only person other then myself that read it was my friend Chris, and I forced him to. He liked it though, hee. I would love to contact you but I'm afraid I can't as I don't have email for some odd reason! But if you click on my name and go to my profile, the story is 'Cleaning My Closet'.
Thanks again you two! You honestly made my day! Hug hug, kiss kiss! Ciao!