Title: Sometimes It Hurts
Author: Estonia Lockhart, or more commonly known as Gwynje
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, so please don't sue me!
Rating: PG-13/R for dark themes, I guess. Okay, maybe more PG-13.
Summary: Logan can't stand his inability to hurt for long, so he makes someone do it for him.
A/N: I listened to this song too much. I'm not sure how well my words reflect the mental image and emotional pain I felt while writing this. I currently despise myself for putting these characters (which I don't even own, mind you) through this kind of turmoil. My apologies to Stan Lee.
Feedback: Pretty pretty please with cherries on top?
Scott grimaced, balling his hands into fists as Jean walked into the cafeteria, a poorly hidden bruise freshly making a statement over her left eyebrow. "Someone should do something," he hissed, glaring pointedly at Ororo and Hank.
The weather goddess sighed heavily, pulling a strand of her snowy white hair behind her ear. Her brown eyes were wide and soft as she gazed in sympathy at Jean, who was now waiting in line. "Don't you think we've tried? Jean insists they're accidents - that the highly flammable experiment she's working on in the medlab is the reason for her scars, and any incident in the Danger Room is how she gets those bruises."
Crushing the plastic fork in his hand, Scott shook his head in contempt. "We all know the truth. He shouldn't get away with doing this to her! Why does she cover it up?" Scott stabbed the eggs on his plate with a raging anger, wishing they were another resident in the mansion.
Hank leaned across the table, staring at the red-visored man. "Maybe there is nothing to cover up," he said quietly.
Rolling his eyes, Scott shook his head. "You and I both know there is more to the reasons for her bruises and scars than she says, and it begins with a W."
Ororo shot him a warning look as Jean made her way across the cafeteria, balancing a plate of pancakes and orange juice. Scott fell silent, but didn't stop forming his eggs in the shape of a 'w', and then scrape them apart with his fork.
Logan leaped through the Danger Room, the adrenaline flowing through his veins like a rapidly spreading poison. This was the only way he could forget, when there was only instinct and barely any deep thought. A laser shot out at him, and he dodged to the side, ducking as a bullet flew through the air, narrowly missing his head.
But, it wasn't enough. Even the Danger Room was becoming a poor distraction. Everything was becoming routine too quickly. Despite the interchanging of weapons and scenarios, it was still the same- still the same way to dodge, the same way to run, the same direction to head, or the same hole to avoid. His alert senses made it harder for him to sink into a dull state, made it harder for him to forget. For the past few months, he'd driven into near cities at night to fight- fight anywhere. It was a way to release his tension, frustration, and hatred. He hated the way he cheated, hated it when his opponent fell down so easily, and the cuts on his arms healed instantly, hardly giving him the satisfaction of winning. For once, he'd like to be the one on the ground, admitting defeat as blood poured from his mouth, the world going out of focus.
The only time he had even come close to that was when he'd touched Rogue to keep her alive. On the Statue of Liberty, he'd almost died- but he hadn't wanted to. He'd fought through the pools of darkness pulling at his legs, trying to make his way back to Marie- concerned only for her and making sure she'd survived. But, now if he had that chance... he wouldn't fight his way back because he didn't have her to fight for. He didn't seem to have anything.
Always, at the end of a fight, he would come back into the mansion just as the sun was creeping over the horizon, and see Jean in his bed. She was still there, still always there and he hated it. He wished she would just get fed up with him and leave- wished she would finally go away. It was hard to throw her out himself; he used her to force out his pain, as a scapegoat for Marie leaving. Through sex, through speech, through every moment spent with her, he wanted to cause her pain- and hated himself for it. He hated her for not leaving.
Logan dove under a flying missile, and made his way to the exit, the momentary numbness of emotion drifting away. Grabbing onto the door, he felt a loud roar burst from his lips, shaking the room like an earthquake. He'd had no idea that her leaving would effect him like this. He'd had no idea he would feel so lost without her. If he had, he would have slashed the tires on her jeep and forced her to stay- if he had known, he would have never asked Jean to move in with him, never even would have looked at her twice- he'd only continued the flirting because it pissed Cyclops off and distracted him from the growing affection he had for the girl with white streaks- because then, it had been dangerous. But, he'd let it go too far. She'd left him, and there was no way to get her back. She'd left him because he had chosen someone else, and he hated his decision every waking moment.
He hated himself. He hated who he had become, and who he was- without Marie. He needed her, more than he'd ever thought possible. He should have paid attention to how it had been affecting her; he should have somehow talked her into staying, told her how he'd felt. But, it had become so much easier to not say those words... words he'd never said to anyone in his life- at least the part he could remember. God, he'd take it all back if he could- if only he could have her back again, in his arms.
Logan had a foreboding that she would despise the person he had become. That, if she did ever come back, she wouldn't want him anymore. He was selfish and useless and had given in to an agony he couldn't seem to get himself out of.
Jean paced the room, gazing at Logan with glistening eyes. She couldn't help it. She should be happy at this liberation, at not having to feel the pain anymore. But, at the same time she was... she couldn't even word what she felt. It made her heart sink; it had failed. Whatever it was she had imagined having with Logan had failed.
"Are you sure?" she asked, impatiently brushing away a few tears streaming down her eyes. Yes, she should be happy. But, she wasn't. She was disappointed. With Logan, she had expected to fall in love all over again, to be caught up in a passionate type of love that Logan seemed to promise with just gazing at you with his deep hazel eyes. This should have been her Cinderella story. But, nothing she had experienced with him even came close to that.
Logan wasn't even looking at her. His eyes were glued to the dresser, where some of her jewelry and make-up lay. "Yes."
Nodding slowly and feeling her chin begin to tremble, Jean turned her head away and crossed her arms tightly over her chest. "Fine, I'll be out by tomorrow morning if you want."
Glancing at her quickly, Logan nodded in confirmation and turned on his heel. "Good," he said, disappearing into the hallway.
"Sometimes It Hurts" -Stabbing Westward
Six o'clock in the morning
My head is ready to explode
I can't believe I made it home alive
I don't remember where I went or
What I was drinking
I know it made me sick
And I'm not denying
That I get this way
When I try to get over you
I get this way
When I try to get over you
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
I tried so hard to hate you
But it only makes things worse
I only end up hating myself
And as my hatred grows
So do the lies
It's hard to face the truth sometimes
God I feel so useless
God I hate myself
When I try to get over you
I hate myself
Will I ever get over you?
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
And after all this time you'd think I'd understand the way you feel
But no
I only think about myself
And it's driving you away
I always knew it would one day
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love