The Snape Chronicles
-part 2-
By Cristin and Amy
--A WFGA Production--
(at the end of term... all of the students have packed up their things, eager to get home for summer holiday. Snape and Lucius clamber onto the train together. Snape is wearing only black. His hair is limp and greasy. His skin is deathly pale. His nose has grown very large and beak-like. In short, he's a disgusting mess, no longer a cute, innocent, duck-loving child)
Lucius: (pointing to an empty compartment) Let's sit here.
Snape: I could kill you. I could drink your blood. I could-
Lucius: Shut up, Piglet.
Snape: Yes, master. (they enter the compartment, and start to put their luggage into the overhead racks)
(suddenly, Snape grows pig ears and a curly piggy tail. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter stand at the doorway of the compartment, giggling)
Lucius: (gives Snape a look-over) Those suit you, mate. (he turns on James and pushes him into the hallway) Only I can mess with Piglet, Potter.
(Snape tries to speak, but only oinks)
James: Isn't that grand, Malfoy? Now you and Snape speak the same language.
(The four Marauders laugh. Snape turns red and shits his pants. Snot sprays out of his nose, covering everyone in a thin layer of mucus. The Marauders groan and dispatch, muttering about the 'Horrendous Pig-Boy')
Lucius: Stay here, Piglet, I'm going to seek revenge. (leaves)
(Snape nods and seats himself on a red cushioned bench. He takes a small rubber ducky from his pocket and squeaks it. A single tear runs down his cheek)
Snape: Oink.
(a few hours later, they arrive at Platform 9 3/4. Snape's parents hug him as he steps off the train)
Mrs Snape: Sevi-poo! You're all sticky and greasy. (lifts up a few strands of his greasy hair)
Mr. Snape: And a pig.
(Snape's lower lip trembles and something within snaps)
Mr. Snape: Here, son, let me help you. (points his wand at Snape- he goes back to normal) Now what-
Snape: So I'm a pig, am I?! (bitch-slaps his father) FAT, am I?!
Mr. Snape: But-
(Severus slaps his mother)
Mr. Snape: Now see here, fatty!
(Severus tackles his father to the ground, shit sliding down his legs. Mrs. Snape eventually joins in) (Students crowd around them)
(An hour or so later, the Snape family is back at home sitting on their overstuffed sofa. Mrs. Snape has a raw steak slapped across her black eye, and Mr. Snape is in a sling)
Mr. Snape: Son, I think it would be best for you to go away to camp this summer.
Snape: WHAT?
Mrs. Snape: Yes, dear; we're sending you to Happy Paddington's Joyful Camp of Weight Loss for boys.
Snape: Woman, I am NOT fat!
Mr. Snape: Silence, you cow!
Snape: I'll kill you. I'll kill you both. With a... rock, or something. Or a stone. Kill you dead! Drink your blood! Skin you alive and use your kidneys to make an invisibility potion. NYER!
Mr. Snape: (glares at his son) If I didn't know Dumbledore as well as I do, I'd blame him.
Mrs. Snape: Tell him how close you two are, dear.
Mr. Snape: (swells with pride) When I was your age, I was Dumbledore's slave. Now, when we had you, we knew that duty would pass on to you at the beginning of your first year. You should be proud. All members of the Snape clan have this duty to the Headmaster of Hogwarts.
Snape: (shits his pants) HE said it was random! (jumps to his feet and runs off, leaving a trail of shit behind him)
Mrs. Snape: ...What's happened to our little boy? Pooty, come in here and clean this mess.
(a house-elf enters the room with a bucket and some towels)
Pooty: Yes, mistress.
Mrs. Snape: Isn't it ironic that your name is Pooty, and you are now cleaning poo? (chuckles)
Pooty: ...no, mistress.
Mr. Snape: That boy. (growls) I'm going to go beat some respect into him.
Mrs. Snape: Orville, no! He's just a little upset!
(Orville, also known as Mr. Snape, ignores her and stomps to Snape's room. The door is heard opening, then slams. Screaming soon follows, and can be heard for a few minutes as incest-ass rape occurs)
(A week later, at Fat Camp...)
(Kids are lined up in front of beds while a man in an Army uniform paces in front of them. Snape trips him as he passes, sending the Army guy sliding down a current of shit. He slams into a wall, knocking himself unconscious)
Snape: Okay! (stands atop his bed) Listen up, you maggots! I am NOT fat. Okay? I don't belong here. But the rest of you fat bastards-
Kid #1: Actually, you're a little too chubby for your age. Look at your thighs.
(Snape looks down at himself- then screams. His thighs are the size of basketballs, which is weird, as he's barely 5 feet tall, and only 10 years old) (Snape shits his pants, making the other kids laugh at him)
Kid #2: Oh my god! Look at it run!
(A kid stands protectively in front of Snape)
Kid #1: Move it Tom Riddle.
Tom: Leave him alone, or he'll aim his shit at you losers.
Kid #2: Fine! But you know what?
Tom: What?
Kid #2: You're ugly and your mom dresses you funny.
Tom: At least I don't have to eat three dozen Twinkees at night. You eat because you're sad, and you're sad because your daddy fingers your Danger Zone.
(Kid #2 bursts into tears. Snape smiles thankfully at Tom)
Tom: Hi, I'm Tom. (shakes Snape's hand)
Snape: I'm Piglet- I mean-
Tom: (laughs) You're funny!
Snape: (eyes go wide and glossy) W-will you be my... friend?
Tom: Sure! Why don't you bunk next to me? I want to know ALL about you. Here, want a duck shaped pillow? (Snape beams)
(They crawl into their beds and talk all night long. Snape tells Tom everything- about Lucius, his father, his love of ducks. They become fast friends.)
(at about 3am...)
Tom: Tell me, Severus, do you still hear them?
Snape: Hear who?
Tom: The pigs. Do you still hear them squealing?
(Snape nods, looking haunted)
Tom: Well. Good. Say, Severus...
Snape: Yes?
Tom: Would you consider joining my little club? We're called the Death Eaters.
Next Time... Will Snape accept Volde- er, Tom's offer? Who is Snape's lover? YOU NEED TO KNOW, DON'T YOU?
Oh Boy! Reviews! And notes from the authors...
1) Our rating has been upped to keep people from whining.
2) This website is a pain in the ass.
Kelenariel Khelekkir: Kudos to you for catching that Austin Powers reference. Cristin's uncle wrestled with the guy who plays Mini-Me in New Orleans. We have pictures, too.
Leowyn Evangolen: There will be about eight chapters of this story, if not more.
UnderneathTheBridge: Aww. You came all the way from Gaia to give a review. You probably can't tell from the posts I make, but I SO enjoy torturing Snape. I love him, but he's just so easy.
Thanks for the reviews! Much love.