The Snape Chronicles
-part 3-
By Cristin and Amy
-=A WFGA Production=-
Snape: Sure! I've never been in a club. What do you do?
Tom: Ooh, you know, fun stuff: bake sales, league bowling, liquidate the entire non-wizarding population of the earth. (cough) The usual.
Snape: (oblivious) O-okay!
Tom: (demonically:) Excellent... Mwahaha... MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Snape: Hee hee!
Tom: SHUT UP. Do not laugh with me. I am the grand Poobah... (levitates, glowing slightly) LORD VOLDEMORT!
Snape: (squeals) I love code names!
Tom: It's not a code name, it's the name that will strike fear into the hearts of all who hear it. DUH.
Snape: ...so... does that mean I can't call you Tom?
Tom: NO. I am LORD VOLDEMORT.
Snape: Okay... can I call you Voldie? Or Mortie? Or Demorie... or Lordie?
Tom: NO!
Snape: How about Wart?
(Tom beats Snape with an aluminum bat. The mistress of the cabin, who happens to be a man in drag, joins in on the beating as well with her own bat)
Mistress: How (whack) many times (whack) do I have to (whack) tell you (whack) To go to BED?! (whack whack, whack)
(Snape shits his pants)
(4 weeks later...)
Tom: Bye, Severus! See you next summer!
(Snape smiles and gets on the Fat Camp train)
Snape: ...see you next summer.. I AM NOT FAT! (looks at his new tattoo on his right arm- it's a skull with a snake wrapped around it) Good. Mom and Dad won't like it.
(Years pass, and Voldemort- as promised- has begun his war. We now see and 18 year old Snape and Lucius sitting in and old house surrounded by other Death Eaters)
Lucius: (pointing at people) I'd rape him... and him... ew, not him... maybe her-
Snape: Have you ever wondered why we're called Death Eaters?
Lucius: Not really. It's a sweet name, though.
Snape: Yeah, it makes even a man with long blonde hair and a bow look intimidating...
Lucius: ... shut up, Piglet.
Snape: (sighs heavily and looks around the room. His eyes land on a strange looking woman with eyes that seem to be sunken into her skull) Who's that woman sitting in the corner killing puppies?
Lucius: (peers over his sunglasses. Which he wears at night. So he can, so he can... do something) Oh, that's Bellatrix Black. I might rape her, too.
Snape: (eyes go glossy) She's wonderful.
Lucius: She's Sirius Black's cousin, you know.
Snape: All the better. If I dated her, Sirius would be furious. Besides; isn't everyone Sirius' cousin? His family is SO inbred. You're his cousin, too, aren't you?
Lucius: ... shut up, Piglet.
Snape: (ignoring him) It's funny that out of his whole family, Sirius Black is the oddball. One would look at him, then you, and assume you to take that role instead.
Lucius: SHUT UP!
(Snape squeals as everyone looks at them and laugh)
Lucius: What are you idiots looking at, huh? Did I give you permission to?
Bellatrix: I have the right to look at you however I please! Besides, you're not in charge, are you? (rises from her seat and approaches Snape) You intrigue me.
Snape: And you make my heart sing.
Bellatrix: (laughs) Aren't you charming. Why don't you- er- step out with me, leave sulking Lucius here.
Snape: (beaming) I'd be happy to.
Lucius: He'll do nothing of the sorts!
Bellatrix: You won't let him make ALL your choices, will you?
Snape: I-
Bellatrix: If you won't be a man-
Snape: NO! I mean... follow me. (pulls her out of the room)
Lucius: (points after them) RAPE!!
(all the Death Eaters rise and run after the two)
Bellatrix: Isn't this exciting?
Snape: ...why are they following us?
(by now, Bellatrix and Snape have made is outside. All 27 Death Eaters are "hiding" behind a single skinny tree, watching them)
Bellatrix: What do you mean? (Snape points at the mass of people) I don't see anything.
Snape: Are you blind?
Bellatrix: (folds arms across her chest) Fine! I knew you were just a squealing pig.
Snape: Wait!
Bellatrix: (screaming:) Snape will never be a man! He's a girl, and Lucius' bitch.
Lucius: (from behind the same tree) Damn straight!!
Snape: I'll show you. (grabs Bellatrix and kisses her)
Lucius: (shrieks with rage) Those are MY piggy-kisses!!
Bellatrix: (grinning) Sorry, Lucius, but he's MINE now.
(Bellatrix pulls Snape into a strategically placed cabin and locks the door. Lucius bangs on the door)
Lucius: He's MINE! MINE!!!
(3 minutes later...)
Bellatrix: (bursts through the door of the cabin) I'm pregnant!
Snape: (from inside) Hooray!
Lucius: YOU WHORES!
Bellatrix: We like it that way, don't we, hon?
(Snape steps into the doorway, buttoning up his pants, beaming and nodding)
Lucius: Fine! I'm going to get a woman pregnant and have a better child than you!
(Several months later...)
(Snape paces outside a hospital room at St. Mungo's)
Snape: ... Let's see, I have to think up a very unique- it not strange- name...
Doctor: (steps into the room with a baby in his arms) It's a boy! Mr. Snape, congratulations!
Snape: (takes the baby in his arms) I will call you Trent. Trent Reznor Snape. You have a last name for a middle name, just in case you get kidnapped in your infancy. Or something. Yeah. (thrusts the infant into the air- 'Circle of Life' starts playing from somewhere)
(Meanwhile in the present day... Snape confronts Trent backstage at his concert and tells him the truth about his birth)
Trent: WHAT?!!
Snape: (eyes glassy) I've finally found you, my son. After all these years of searching.
Lupin: (appears, looking confused) (besides, Lupin is a really big Nine Inch Nails fan. Why wouldn't he be there with backstage passes?!) You've been searching for him? When?
Snape: What else do you think I do on summer holiday?
Trent: Hold on. I thought I was American. He's British!... or something.
Lupin: I should have killed you when I had the chance.
Trent: ...what's that supposed to mean?
Snape: Our friend Lupin here supposedly killed you, son. Apparently he didn't quite succeed.
Trent: Stop calling me that! I have a dad, and you're not him.
Lupin: I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.
Snape: FLASHBACK!!
(everyone screams)
Next Time... I'd ruin the cliffhanger if I told you. You don't want that, do you? I didn't think so.