The Snape Chronicles

-part 3-

By Cristin and Amy

-=A WFGA Production=-

(Many, many years ago...)

(We find Remus Lupin crawling through a old house's window, desperately trying to keep his balance. He knocks over a statue inside the house in the process)

Lupin: (turning to the statue) SHH! Sorry.

Statue: S'alright.

Snape: What are you doing?

(Lupin spins around- Bellatrix and Snape are sitting in chairs in front of the parlor window. It's a bright, sunshiny day outside. Lupin goes rigid and strikes a pose)

Bellatrix: Is he pretending to be a statue?

(silence...)

Lupin: ...yes.

Snape: (oblivious) I love Charades.

(hours pass. the full-moon rises. Soon, the Snape's -because Bella and Severus DID get married, you know- have a werewolf raging around their house. Snape and Bellatrix have locked themselves in the kitchen pantry)

Snape: We left the baby in the nursery.

Bellatrix: Oh... crap.

(neither of them move)

Bellatrix: Well I'm not going out there.

Snape: Fine. I'll do it. (gulps and pulls out his wand)

(He steps out of the pantry and runs to the nursery. The door is knocked off it's hinges, scratch marks are on the walls, and the cradle is overturned. Snape runs to the cradle)

Snape: Trent? (searches through the blankets) Trent?

(the werewolf growls behind him. Snape turns and stares: Trent's head is in the werewolf's mouth, and he's clapping his hands. Snape shits his pants.)

(The werewolf somehow raises it's eyebrows and trots out the front door, carrying the baby away in it's mouth. Snape sighs and makes his way downstairs to the kitchen)

Snape: Bella, the baby's dead.

Bellatrix: Well, shit! Now we can't put him on our tax returns. DAMN! (steps out of the pantry, mildly disgruntled) Do we even have taxes?

Snape: We could always have another. (suggestive eyebrow wiggle)

Bellatrix: Get the hell away from me.

(someone comes running into the house. Snape growls, then pales as Lucius enters the kitchen with a baby)

Lucius: Hey, Piglet! Look at what Narcissa and I made! His name's Donald. (waves the baby in front of Snape, laughing) Mine's better than yours!

Bellatrix: Ooh, let me see.

(Lucius hands her the baby)

Bellatrix: Aren't you sweet. (she promptly- and purposely- drops the infant) Oops.

Lucius: DONALD! NOOO!

Snape: (chuckles) I love you, Bella.

Bellatrix: I want a divorce.

(Lucius points and laughs at Snape's shocked expression)

Lucius: This makes the loss of Donald all right. (turns to Bellatrix) You want to have an affair with me?

Bellatrix: (shrugs) Sure. (she pulls him into the master bedroom and locks the door)

(Snape's eyes fill with tears and he nudges Donald with his foot. Donald wiggles and makes odd snarling noises. Snape picks up the baby, puts him on the table, grabs his cloak, and leaves the house)

(meanwhile, in California...)

(Lupin, still a werewolf, is now walking on his hind legs dressed in a business suit. Trent is wrapped in a blanket, happily cooing. The werewolf walks up to a random house and knocks on the door. A man answers)

Lupin: Hello! I'm with Children's Services. Is this the Reznor residence?

Mr. Reznor: Yes... my, what large teeth you have.

Lupin: Yeah, I get that all the time. Anyway... here's your free baby! (shoves Trent into the man's arms) His name is Trent. BYE! (scampers away on all fours)

Mr. Reznor: ...another one? Consuella will be happy.

Mrs. Reznor: (in the doorway) How many times must I tell you? It's Princess Consuella Bananahammok to you!

Mr. Reznor: (enters the house and shuts the door) But now you're a commoner. The title no longer applies to you, and you share my last name. By the way, they gave us another one. (holds up Trent) His name's Trent.

Mrs. Reznor: Hooray.

(She takes Trent into the kitchen. Eleven children are sitting around the table)

Mrs. Reznor: Now, Trent, these are your new brothers and sisters. Most of them still have their original last names, but you will have ours since you seem to have lost yours. This is George Bush, Johnny Depp, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinski, Marshall Mathers, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, Stevie Nicks, and Arnold Schwartzennegger.

(all the "kids" wave)

(somewhere deep inside little baby Trent's brain, is it decided that he will never be normal. Or completely sane for that matter)

Author's Notes: Much love to the people who keep coming back and reviewing. Your comments give us the initiative to update! You see, we have about ten more pages (typed) of this, but we're just too lazy to update here on Sad, isn't it? Stay tuned, more updates coming!