Discalimer: The mutant's featured were not harmed (much!) during the production of this fanfiction, so marvel can have them back in one piece (minus a limb or 2!) I made no profit out of 'em or the big brother format so please don't sue….i'm poor!!
X-Big brotherhood
Contestants: Logan Rogue
Victor Creed Remy Le Beau
Jean Grey Scott Summers
Bobby Drake Hank McCoy
Mystique Eric Leshnerr
Jubilation Lee Ororo Munroe
Day 1 in the Big Brother Mansion
Jean in a desperate bid to make a good impression and to be centre of attention decides to open her cosmetics purse. Jean spends 10 minutes making herself pretty.
"Help!!" She yell's pawing at her eyes
Logan and Scott run into the room
"What's wrong Jean?" Scott asks tentatively
"My eyes…their glued shut!" Jean said walks forward and bumps into a bed
Rogue enters the room looking flushed "Awww, Jean you don't need to work while you're in the mansion, the whole idea of you coming in here was to keep you off of the corners!"
"Why you southern bitch!" Jean screams before remembering to be nice "I don't know what you mean!" She bat's her eyes despite them being glued shut
"Here darlin' let me help you out!" Snickt Wolverine approaches Jean claws waving about in front of him
Jean squeals and slams into the wall.
5:25pm in the Big Brother Mansion
The housemates are having a discussion
"Wolverine smell's the worst!"
"No Victor does!"
"No Wolverine!"
"No Victor!"
"I drink cabbage water!" Bobby Drake butts into Mystique and Magneto's discussion
"Didn't Xavier ever tell you not to butt in boy?" Magneto demand's bucket firmly on head
"Well, I dunno he might have because all I hear when he talk's is blah de blah de blah!" Bobby thinks. "I know let's play imaginary tennis!"
"I know let's not!" Eric say's dryly
Bobby in a moment of inspiration aims an ice path at Eric's head, knocking off his er…helmet thing
"Why you little…"
5:27pm
Bobby has come to the diary room.
"How may Big Brother help Bobby?"
"Argh!" Bobby dives behind the famous big brother chair and cover's his ears with his hands "It's like the institute all over again…you get rid of one set of voices only for 'em to get replaced with more!" Bobby begins to weep
7:15pm
Ororo has been staring at the fish tank for the last half hour.
"Hey, everyone come look!! Marilyn's swimming past the castle!" Ororo yells eyes wide with wonderment
Jubilee and Bobby run over and sit by her
"Oh, look at Kate or is that one Mary!" Jubilee said pointing at one of the goldfish as it floats on its side to the top of the tank.
Victor walks past and peers into the fish tank.
"That one's Mary" Ororo says giggling as the fish bob's to the surface.
Victor scoops out Mary and stuff's the fish in his mouth.
"Bad Kitty!" Bobby reprimands slapping Victor upside his head.
"Grrrrr!"
Ororo sob's "Mary was so young and innocent, why her Victor?" She clutches at his trousers "Why Mary? WHY?"
Victor merely coughs up Mary's bone and hand's them to Ororo apologetically before walking into the garden
"Don't worry Mary; we'll get you some new clothes real soon!" Jubilee assures the skeleton
8:27pm
Bobby and Jean are in the bathroom.
"Sure I can wash your hair just lean over the bowl!"
"Really Bobby I never knew you could hair dress" Jean leans over the toilet bowl as ordered
"I'm a guy of hidden depths!" Bobby nods before flushing the chain and yelling "THAT'S YOUR PUNISHMENT FOR BEING A GEEK!!"
8:45PM
"Bobby get ya butt in ere kid?" Logan yell's from the bathroom
Bobby bound's into the room
"Now in this mansion there's one thing that we can't stand and that's idiots! Now lean over there and take your punishment like a man!" Logan growls, Bobby gulps.
Logan proceeds to flush Bobby's head in the toilet
"Now stand up and stop being such an idiot!"
"Yes sir!" Bobby salutes Logan
Logan sighs "Lean over again!" Logan flushes his head again "Will ya never learn kid?"
9:02PM
Remy and Rogue are in the garden with the chickens.
"Do you tink dat chicken food is poisonous Mon ami?" Remy asks looking longingly at the corn trough
"Course it ain't Swamp rat! Why else would tha chickens eat it?" Rogue begins to wander around the garden and Remy follows like an unwanted puppy.
"D'ya ever wonder what's out dere?" Remy ask's with a nod towards the garden fence
"No" Rogue replies annoyed "I was only out there about 5 hours ago! Even you can't have forgotten what life was like before we came into the house!"
"Remy never lived anywhere but eya" Remy sniff's, Rogue softens and pull's him into a hug.
"ARGH!" Remy slap's Rogues butt and gets thumped in his eye for the effort.
9:06PM
Jubilee is washing her underclothes in the bathroom. Scott Walks in.
"Hey there Cyke!" Jubilee greets holding up a thong
Scott blushes and stammers "Hi!"
"I didn't have time to wash these before I came into the mansions so, no prizes for guessing what I'm doing!" She waves a bra under Scott's nose
"I…er….needed to use the…um…bathroom facilities" Scott goes a deep crimson
"Knock yourself out!" Jubes continues so scrub her smalls, she stops when she notices that he hasn't moved "I've seen it all before! You know you've got to loosen up and become at one with your body!"
"I do!"
"Sure you do! You know it's your lucky day I can help you get over your inhibition's all you've got to do is carry out my instructions"
9:17PM
Scott is running around the mansion naked.
"D'ya want me to stop that flappin' for yer Summers?" Wolverine growls
Scott continues to terrorise the housemates by skipping around the kitchen "Jubilee you were right this really is liberating!" Scott says grabbing her hand and skipping around with her.
Hank McCoy look's up from the book he had smuggled into the mansion for the first time since he had entered "Oh my stars and garters! Is Scott…..Skipping?!"
"Well I think it's beautiful!" Jean says crossing her arms defiantly as Victor and Eric clutch their side's in a bid to stop their sides from hurting due to the laughter.
""I've wandered around naked most of my life and no one ever said that they thought I was beautiful!" Mystique moans
"I did!" Victor stop's laughing
"That's only because you wanted to get your leg over!"
"Oh yeah good point!" Victor concedes
"Well I think it's disgusting!" Wolverine growls
Ororo edges closer to the fish tank and gives a sidelong glance at Sabretooth "Mary would have enjoyed this!"
9:38PM
Hank has come to the diary room to speak to Big Brother
"Hello Hank!"
"Hey Big Brother!" Waves at the camera
"What would you like to speak about Hank?"
"I would just like to say that I think that everyone is trying to hard to put on a front, I'm the only one acting like I do outside of the mansion and well I like Jean, she's very natural. But I'm having trouble…er…using the bathroom facilities and I wondered if you had any laxatives, which my make my suffering less?"
"Hank Big Brother suggests that you drink the washing up liquid stored under the sink!"
"Thank you Big Brother!"
"Thank you Hank!"
"No thank you big brother!"
"Thank you Hank!"
"Thank you…."
"Hank get the hell out of here!"
Day 2 in the Big Brother Mansion
10:15AM
Mystique is making breakfast for the housemates
"So when did you get into cooking Raven?" Jean asks
"Well, I kind of discovered it while I was nursing an infant Nightcrawler…."
"Was this before you dumped him in the river…." Storm asks intrigued
"It was a stream and yes! Anyway when my husband had found out I was a mutant so I had no one to cook for me except NightCrawler but I thought that would be a bit mean seeing as he was only a few weeks old so I had to do it for myself, I then discovered the delights of beans on toast and scrambled egg's and over the years my passion for it has grown aided by the like's of 'Delia Smith' and 'The Naked Chef'"
Scott run's through the kitchen "Did someone say naked?"
11:55AM
Hank, Bobby and Jubilee are playing with the washing line (which they have made into a skipping rope).
"So Blue have you had any luck in the bathroom department!" Jubes asks as she and Hank swing the rope for Bobby
"Alas dear Jubilation, there has been quite literally not a sniff!"
"So what do you think of the other housemates?"
"Victor smell's too much, Eric snores to loud, Scott's always naked and Wolverine swears too often! But I love them all!" Wink's in the direction of the camera on the garden fence
"Well I find that Jean's too nice you know like the eye of a storm and Mystiques has been there and done everything which makes me suspicious, I get the feeling that she's a liar! For example she said that Nightcrawlers her son!"
"Preposterous!"
12:59PM
The housemates are in the kitchen watching Eric bend spoons
"Ohhhh, that's amazing do it again!" Mystique demands
"You think that's amazing watch this!" Eric run's into the mansion garden and lift's a car up that is parked on the other side of the fence using his powers of magnetism, before waving it over the top of the housemates and then putting it back carefully on the other side of the fence.
Eric smiles proudly looking at his fellow housemates watching their reactions, they were decidedly unimpressed.
"Bend another spoon!" Mystique demands before adding "NOW!"
1:27PM
Eric (now under the nickname Maggie) is now entertaining the 'older' housemate by making animal shapes out of paperclips, while Victor entertains the younger ones (Jubilee and Bobby) by giving them piggy backs.
"Giddy up!" Bobby kick's Victor "Faster Kitty!"
Victor smiles "You got it!" He begins to run through the house and into the garden
"Hold onto his mane!" Jubilee instructs the less sane Bobby.
Logan comes to the diary room
"Hello Logan"
"Hello Big Brother, I'm kinda upset"
"Why's that Logan?"
"I get this horrible feeling that no one in the house likes me and that they…" Logan pauses to sniff and wipe his eyes "…and that they prefer Victor to me!" He lets go to uncontrollable sobbing "I'm sorry" He chokes out between sobs
3:16PM
"Okay so who squirted chocolate and washing up liquid down the toilet?" Scott asks glowering at Bobby who he assumes to be the culprit
Hank looks shamefaced "Ooopps did I forget to flush?"
"Hank, you can go mop up the bathroom floor which is now covered in foam!" Scott informs Hank hands on hips before he wanders around muttering about how disgusting the house and its occupants are.
5:00PM
Big brother has given the housemates paper and card so that they can make puppets of each other and perform a play. Victor has been giving the task of making a Logan puppet, and is making suggestions on funny moments in Logan's life which they could include in their show. Logan is glowering in the corner.
"Then there was the time he decided that in order to attract females he would cover himself in pheromones but in order to do his he rolled in pig shit!"
The group erupts in laughter as Logan storms out of the room.
"Was it something I said?" Victor shrugs
5:39PM
"I am NOT that fat!!" Jean yell's at Ororo "I mean...ahem…that's a very good puppet of me Ororo!" She smile sickeningly sweetly
"Why thank you Jean…you know I feel I've really bonded with you your like the most genuine and nice person in the house." Ororo gushes
"Look, Ororo, look!" Bobby yells excitedly brandishing an ice cube
"What's that Bobby?"
"It's me!" He announces proudly
"Sorry?"
"It's the puppet Jubes made of me, it's such a striking resemblance don't you think?" Bobby holds the ice cube next to his head "Awww….I'm beginning to melt!"
7:09PM
As a reward for their puppet task big brother has given the housemates vast quantities of alcohol.
"Wolvieeee, over heeerrrre!" Jubes squeals (drunk after only a sip of Hank's bear).
Logan walks over to the group comprised of Hank, Bobby and Jubes.
"Welcome to the group merry Sir!" Hank salutes Logan
Logan nods "Seems ol' Creed over there's got everyone eatin' outta his paw"
"We aren't fooled by them over there" Bobby announces triumphant
Jubilee nods in agreement "Raven's full of shit"
Camera switches to where Mystique is telling the other housemates about her villa in Italy and her Spanish lover with a big…er…
Camera zooms back to Jubilee
"Eric's pretending to be nice while really he's plotting…"
Camera shifts to watch Eric who is stroking his chin deep in thought
Back to Jubilee "…and Jeans only pretending to be that nice!"
"I agree and I think that the Cajun over there has a thing for Rogue!" Wolverine says pointing
"Oohhhh we never noticed that before!" Jubilee extends her hand to Logan "Welcome to the sanity club!"
8:55PM
"Hello petite!" Remy sidles along the couch closer to Rogue
"Get lost swamp rat"
"Is Gambit sensin' hostility from da belle?"
"No it's just you've eaten cheese and onion crisps and a clove of garlic so your breath stinks!"
"Mmm…did you not know dat Garlic is an aphrodisiac?" Breaths on Rogues neck
"Is it?"
"I don't know! It sounded right tho didn't it?"
"Get a life!" Rogue gets up and sits by Eric "So sugah how're you enjoyin' life on tha inside?"
Eric puts his arm across Rogues shoulder "It's been incredibly enlightening my dear, you know to see how the other half live and all!"
"You know for an older guy you really are…."
"Yes" Eric leans closer
"…you know…erm Sexy." Rogue blushes "There I said it you happy now!" She then stomps out of the living area
Day 3 in the Big Brother Mansion
Its eviction day in the Big Brother Mansion and tension is running high.
"It's my bloody cereal!"
"Well it's my milk!" Ororo and Rogue argue over a bowl of cereal
"If you tell 'em one more thing about our time in Weapon X then…" Snickt
"You don't scare me runt!" Victor growls back at Logan
"Tag your it!" Bobby tag's Hank who chases Jubilee
Every one stop's what they are doing and stare "SCOTT PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!" They yell all together
"But it helps my nerves!"
"Get!!"
"Okay! Okay I'm going sheesh all I wanted to do was relieve the tension!" Scott walks dejectedly back to the boy's bedroom
"Ewwww….look's like he's been in a freeze!" Eric comments
"No it was always like that even when we were teenagers!" Jean wiggles her pinkie
1:15PM Eviction time
Bobby enters the Diary room suspiciously
"Hello Big Brother!"
"Hello Bobby, would you give the name of the 2 people you are nominating and the reason for this!"
"Okay the first person I'm nominating is Mystique because she's too been there done that, I'm the mutant bike for me!" He pauses before continuing "My second nomination is Eric because I feel he's trying to prove something with the goody two shoes bendy spoons!"
"Thank you Bobby that will be all"
"Thank you big brother"
"Errmmm….Bobby that's a wall, you might want to try the door!"
"Oh yeah that's right I do the ice thing, Kitty Prydes the one who can do the walls!"
Eric floats into the diary room wearing his helmet and cape.
"Hello Eric will you tell us the 2 people your nominating and why you are nominating them?"
"Okay! First of all I would like to nominate Victor because he has hygiene level's lower then Toads and he is also stole my limelight with his piggy back rides which I thought was off! And the second person I would like to nominate is Scott, because he walks around nude too often and I feel this is a bid to win the voting public over, and I swear he was trying to crawl into bed with me last night!"
"Thank you Eric!"
Hank swing's through the door King Louie style, and lands into the chair with ease.
"Right, the first person I choose is Mystique because she said Nightcrawlers her son and I don't believe her and the next person I want rid of is Jean because she's so nice and sweet I live in constant fear of cavities"
Leap frogs off of chair and into the door
Jean Grey enters the diary room flicking her red hair and pouting.
"Okay big Brother my first nomination is Ororo because she spends all the time she could be speaking to me talking to the fish and also because her boobs are bigger then mine. My second choice is Mystique for the same reasons!"
She then flounces out of the diary room, twisting her ankle when she tries to wiggle her bum.
Jubilee peers around the door before diving into the chair and blowing a spit bubble (she ran out of chewing gum last night!).
"My first nomination is Jean Grey because I fell she is hiding her true feeling's and personality from the group and my second choice is Mystique because she's a liar"
Jubilee curtseys before leaving the room
Logan strut's into the room before sitting on the chair, leg hooked over the arm crotch exposed (audience drools).
"I want rid of Scott because I may end up castrating him and then get rid of Victor because the guy's a dick!"
"Can you elaborate at all?"
Snikt
"Okay you can go!" Big Brother gulps
Mystique enters the room under the guise of Saddam Hussein before changing back.
"Ha! Fooled you!" She giggles for a minute "Okay my first nomination is Jean Grey because she came in wearing yellow when she should realise that it clashes with her hair and secondly it's Scott because he skips around naked seemingly unaware of the health and hygiene threat he poses!"
Strolls out of Diary room as Blob but can't fit through door and changes back again
Ororo walk's in normally…strange I know!
"Well, I think Kate should go because she won't let Freddy near the castle…."
"Ororo you are aware that you can't vote for the fish?"
"Oh right….well…in that case it will have to be Mystique because she's competition right? And then Jean not because she's competition but because she's so bloody thick! See ya!"
Remy walks into the
diary room with his trench coat on.
"Aren't you hot in that?!" Big Brother asks before realising he said it "Ahem I
mean you're two nominations and the reasons?"
"Gambit would like ta nominate Jean Grey because she shouted at the belle Rogue on da first day and secondly would be Scott because Gambit felt his hand under my sheets last night!"
Gambit walks out "Au revoir!"
Rogue barges into diary room and slumps down on the chair
"Okay first of all the Swamp rats gotta go cause he's always drooling' and making' people slip over and secondly would be Mystique because she speak's to Eric way to familiar like an' it makes me mad!"
She gets up and stomps out
Big Brother sighs 'Moody Bitch'
Scott come's in dressed in a loin cloth.
"I want to get shot of Logan because he just sits glowering all day and moans when I let the fresh air at my nether regions and secondly it would be Eric because he accused me of being gay I tried to get in…er…forgot which bed was mine!" Scott pauses seriously before breaking into a grin and waving foolishly "Hey Professor!"
Victor stalks into the room with a growl
"Get rid of Logan because he's got my adamantium skeleton and Scott because he's a pansy!"
Victor then walked out with a delighted purr.
Announcement to the housemates
"The house mates up for eviction this week are…………………………………………............... in alphabetical order……..Jean Grey…."
Jean promptly bursts into tears and yells angrily "You've never had it so good!"
"…………..well er quite…..ahem………Mystique…."
Mystique shift's into Apocalypse "Feel my wrath" She announces before looking at everyone face "I'm done" she sits down
"…………………and Scott!"
"Nooooo! Maybe I haven't show enough flesh" He muses out loud