To all my apologies for keeping this dragging on for what seems like centuries. But now it is the time you have all been waiting for…THE FINAL!

Many thanks to all the reviewers. Without you this would never have been completed. I would list you all but I suspect ya wanna get down to the nitty gritty! So a big thanks to you all, especially those who have contributed ideas and thoughts.

The Final

"Here we are at the grand final of X Big Brotherhood 2003-4! This is where you will find out if you're votes have made a difference." The presenter has to yell into the microphone in order to be heard over the screams and yells of the crowd. "Let's take a quick look at what is happening in the house."

The scene shifts from the outside of the Mansion to the interior where Bobby and Hank are playing a game of patty-cake, while Victor carefully adjusts himself inside his tiger print jockstrap in the boy's bedroom (causing both cheers and shrieks of terror from the audience outside) and Logan is 'accidentally' setting fire to Bobby's regenerative Marshmallow tree.

"Well that's the scene within the mansion however, this will shortly change as the housemate in fourth place is evicted and inter…." The presenter is stopped mid sentence by the raised voices by the metal gates separating the mansion, and its housemates, from the public.

"…BUT SHE'S MY KATYA!"

"Shut yer trap Terminator before I terminate you!"

"Big words from a little man who's head is about to be squashed by my foot"

The presenter finally puff's his way to the where the Russian mutant bouncer is about to drop kick his English colleague; Pete Wisdom.

"Gentleman. Gentlemen please! What kind of example do you think you are setting the crowd?" The presenter asks in a superior manner.

The pair continue to brawl, oblivious to the slightly over weight presenters entreaty for them to separate.

"You stole Katya from me, you will pay."

"Christ are yer ever gonna give it a rest?" Pete asks, blood spattering from his nose on to his white shirt of already dubious cleanliness.

"Ok, you asked for it" The presenter announces with a long suffering sigh as he rolls up his sleeves.

The audience gasps in palpable horror as the presenter wades in between the two warring mutants only to get knocked out as Piotr falls over him.

"This is Big Brother will all audience members remain calm. Housemates as a final task will you please line in an orderly fashion by the front door. Oh and will the girl in the Kermit the frog t-shirt please phone an ambulance."

Cut to inside of Mansion.

The housemates have rushed eagerly to the door, spurred by the manic tinge in Big Brothers voice.

"Didn't think it would start this early! Wish I had put some more clothes on now" Victor comments garbed in only a leopard print thong, a headband and a pair of Hanks fluffy blue slippers.

"Housemates this is Big Brother. As a final task before leaving the Mansion, Big brother requires you to separate a pair of mutants. You will be permitted to leave the house for this task, however if you more than two metres beyond the gates Big Brother will disqualify you."

"All right finally some action! This should be a piece o' cake" Logan grins cracking his knuckles a split second before the door opens, allowing the housemates their first glimpse of the outside world.

"Bring on the mutants, bub" Victor growls as he skids to a halt in front of the bouncers. "Erm…ain't these guys meant to break up the fights not start them?"

"That seemed to be the general gist of it, but it seems that notion was somewhat misguided." Hank comments launching towards Wisdom, only to be sidestepped resulting in a dangerous liaison with the metal crowd control barriers.

"I'll cool these guys off" Bobby quips, encasing Colossus' feet in ice.

This however, does not keep the Russian out of action for long as he smashes the ice with one blow from his mighty fists.

"Aw crud."

"Hey Pete, Piotr I just thought I'd bring you guys some hotdogs…what, may I ask, do you think you are doing?" Kitty asks angrily, having phased her way through the crowd holding a hotdog for each past love.

"Oh hi Kitty!" Pete grins winningly, if some what shamefacedly.

Piotr too looks embarrassed and toes the ground, dislodging some tarmac and spattered presenter. "Pete started it"

"I don't care who started it, all I care about is that it's finished." Kitty glowers at them a moment before handing each a hotdog. "What are you guy's doing out the house?"

"You guy's should return inside before I am forced to kick you" Piotr mutters between mouthfuls of hotdog.

The assembled housemates merely shrug before plodding wearily back to the mansion.

The camera focus' on the audience and the various signs they hold aloft as Big Brother makes another announcement.

"As it appears that our regular presenter will be eating through a straw for the foreseeable future, we have had to call out our stand by."

Tantalising snippets of the new presenter's body are shown to the audience; nails that are varnished pink, luxurious brown hair and a cleavage hugging yellow t-shirt.

"Hi there! I am Scott Summers your presenter for the evening, as a former housemate I promise to give a biased account of the evictee's action's over the past 19 day's."

The audience buzz's with both cheers and jeers at the newly appointed presenter. Scott however, seems undeterred.

"Ok, it's the time you have all been waiting for. The housemate in fourth place is…."

The camera pans around the faces of the housemates; Bobby is chewing his nails, Hank is looking at the ceiling light as if transfixed while Logan scratches his nether regions with a look of pure bliss tweaking his features and Victor fights a losing battle with a comb.

"…VICTOR"

Victor drops the comb hastily, however it stays stuck in a matt of blonde hair, as he grabs Bobby in a big bear hug.

"See ya on the outside kid! It's been fun"

"Bye Kitty! You've been the best Kitty a guy could wish for"

"See ya runt, I promise next time ya see me I ain't gonna be quite so nice."

"Same goes fer you too."

Victor merely looks at Hank eyes welling up; before giving him a bear hug similar to that which he gave Bobby.

"Victor, I can't breathe"

Victor doesn't make a response however, as soon as he drops Hank he makes his way to his door to freedom. Once he has reached it he looks back one last time, eyes shining with unshed tears, and wave's goodbye before bursting out of the door.

Victor emerges from the house to a massive roar from the crowd he studies them for a moment, before dropping his suitcase and throwing his arms out wide. He lets out a roar that would make Simba proud. He waves to his fans as he goes down the 'walk of fame', humming the tune played upon his release; In the Jungle.

"Victor come on down to the podium" Scott yells over the crowd, taking hold of Victors elbow in a bid to lead him away from his adoring public.

"Get offa me." Victor growls shaking off Scott's arm and making his own way to the couch on which he will have his final interview.

"So how does it feel to be back on the outside?" Scott asks waving a microphone with a picture of Jean's face taped onto it.

"Ok" Victor grunts before noticing Mystique and Magneto in the crowd, wearing 'That's my psychotic sidekick' t-shirts adorned with pictures of Creed, and waving.

"Who has your backing to win this evening?" Scott asks thrusting the Jean microphone under Victor's nose.

"That would have ta be the kid, he's been the greatest source of entertainment throughout, as well as being a genuinely great guy."
Victor's response elicits a cheer from the Bobby lovers in the crowd.

"You seemed to strike up a strong bond with Robert. Is this the start of a lifelong friendship?"

"Just what are ya implying bub? Just cause you're a pansy don't mean the rest of us are."

"I'm not sure what you mean by that Victor, but I shall pretend I think you are funny" At this point Scott giggles for a moment before his face once again becomes deadly serious.

"Are ya takin' the piss?"

"Me? No of course I'm not! I may like the feel of the wind on my bare butt but I'm not suicidal." Scott says holding his finely manicured hand's up. "Ok let's look at some of your best bits shall we?"

The audience beholds Victor's best bits on the screen behind the freshly evicted mutant. Scenes shown include Victor doing Karaoke with a broom, him giving Bobby a piggy back and his short foray into the world of cooking, which resulted in a heated 'debate' between him and Remy.

"For you, Victor, what has been the highlight of your stay in the mansion?"

"That would have ta be the day when you left"

"How so? Was it a highly emotional day for you? Did it represent a turning point in the morale? I mean I know you were all pretty upset"

"Nah, it was like a party. Ya wouldn't believe how happy we were to get rid o' ya wrinkly sausage, it was the day I finally began to enjoy the experience and the day I decided I wanted to stay."

"Humph. Well…" Scott looks at a loss for words before mumbling into the microphone. "Thank you Victor you may go and join your friends now" He turns away briefly from the camera to sniff and wipe away a tear.

We cut to see what is going on back in the house where Hank and Bobby are shaving Logan's feet having just finished his back and chest. The pair are chatting amiably while Logan puffs on a Stoogie.

"You know I'm gonna miss this place and my Marshmallow tree. In a way I wish this could go on for ever."

"Yeah I know the feeling Bobby however, I do plan to relocate the Twinkie tree into my lab."

"But Hank there's no soil in your lab, only metal and things that burn."

"Oh yeah" Hank responds looking slightly down in the mouth. "Do you want to sing Sinatra."

"Sure do buddy, sure do"

As the pair break into song the camera leaves the three mutants for the last time returning to focus on Scott.

"Ahem. Now let's break the news to the person in 3rd place." Scott turns to the screen showing the housemates, raising the microphone to his lips. "Housemates, the person in third place is…..Logan."

"Aw crud." Logan mutters before taking a drag on his stoogie. "Would like ta say it's been nice but ya know…" He trails off with a shrug.

"It would be a lie." Bobby finishes for him with a sage nod.

"Well…yeah" Logan concedes.

Hank steps forward, offering Logan an oversized hand. "Fare thee well Logan."

Logan stands by the door, impatiently tapping his foot waiting for it to open. Finally it opens to reveal an adoring crowd who Logan regards briefly before snorting. This, it appears, does not sit too well with some members of the crowd, most notably the ones closest the barrier. One girl with her hair pulled into a tight pony tail, flanked by a tall dark haired man with glasses and another tall man with sandy hair, sets off in a maddened, perhaps PMT induced, rampage.

"Look at him, little jumped up git! You know I have a good mind to show him just how high he could jump with a high voltage sent at his arse!"

The guys on either side of her step backwards, quickly hiding their blue furry 'Go Hank' signs, as Logan eyes their companion menacingly. It takes the girl a few seconds to register the look in his eyes, before running of with a quick; "EEEEEPPPP!"

With his prey out of sight Logan walks down the Big Brother 'walk of fame', 'Holding out for a hero' is playing in the background. In order to back up the image of Logan as a hero, a girl is seen holding up a sign reading 'Logan; you can be my hero' on the big screen.

Scott walks over to greet Logan with his Jean microphone as the smaller man approaches.

"Summers! What the hell you doin' 'ere?"

"Surprise! Good to see you to Logan" Scott greets mistaking Logan's growl for one of good cheer.

Logan merely grunt's in reply, stubbing out his cigar on the card cut out of Jean on the microphone.

"Now Logan that wasn't very nice!" Scott exclaims stepping back slightly.

"Really." Logan throws himself into the presenters chair and hooks his leg over its arm.

"Well erm…shall we get on with the interview?" Scott say's looking rather nervous.

"Yeah, but get on with it will ya? I've been cooped up in a house without as much as a sniff of a woman, if ya know what I'm getting at" Logan considers this for a moment, looking Scott over "Well you probably don't know"

"So Logan what was the atmosphere like in the house just before you left?" Scott fiddles self consciously with his cue cards.

"Ta be honest wit' yer, t' atmosphere was quiet relaxed. I think the Prozac Big Brother gave Bobby earlier is helping"

"We have seen you experience highs and lows during the time you were in the house, what would you say is the best experience you had during your time as a housemate?"

"Well I would say it had ta be in t' first day when I walked in on Raven having a shower, yeah that was a high point!" Logan says with a lecherous grin.

"And the lowest point for you in the house?"

"Now that has ta be the that Rogue got evicted as it not only left us with a moping Remy, but it also saw the last hope I had of getting my leg over." Logan's serious expression is broken as he begins waving to a buxom blonde at the front of the crowd, before making phone symbols; apparently urging her to call him.

"Ok Logan lets have a look at your best bits" Scott interrupts before turning to the screen.

Logan's best bits, it appears, consist of shots of him ogling the various female housemates. It also includes him squashing under his bed to grab Bobby's foot from under him as he walks past, in an effort to convince him of the validity of his ghost stories and a ten second shot of him singing with a cucumber microphone.

Logan chuckles at the close up of Bobby's face as his foot gets pulled from under him, before reddening at the shot of his Tom Jones impression.

"Logan, those were your best bits, now get yourself out of here!" Scott yells throwing his arms wide, maybe expecting a hug most probably not.

Logan grins for a moment, rubbing his stubble, before launching himself off of the stage into the audience. Unfortunately the crowd can not support his weight and drop him onto the hard tarmac.

"Ouch! That's got to have hurt" Scott comments sagely, before walking over to the big screen. "Now we are approaching the end of this epic adventure, it's time to see what the final two housemates have been getting up to while we have talked to Logan."

Inside the Big BrotherhoodMansion

"If I win I will give half of my money to you and your research."

"Really Robert that is not necessary, but I really do hope you win. I did not come here for the money only to challenge the public's perception of so called evil mutants."

"You know what Hank? There is no one I would rather be in the final two with than you." Bobby smiles weakly before throwing an arm around Hank's expansive shoulders.

"I feel the same, my bovine companion." Hank grins

"Hank, I'm not a cow."

Hanks eyes grow round "I see you're not as empty headed as you have appeared over the last few weeks."

"You know Hank it's strange, I mean I don't normally act like such a big kid. It's like I have found it difficult to think in here, it's almost as if someone is messing with my brain."

"Now, Bobby that is mere speculation, its probably just some subconscious desire to play up to the cameras or something."

Bobby fails to look convinced however.

"Well either way Bobby I hope you win, no one deserves it more!" Hank continues cheerily.

"Housemates the winner of X Big Brotherhood 2003 to 2004 is…."

Bobby bites on a pillow to stop him from screaming at the tension, while Hank gets some party poppers ready.

"BOBBY!"

Hank proceeds to pop the part poppers over a tearful Bobby.

"Congratulations Bobby a nicer person couldn't have won!" Hank envelope's Bobby in a huge furry hug.

"Hank, would you please make your way to the door and await eviction. Bobby please remain where you are for five minutes"

"That voice is familiar…"

"No time for that now Hank, quick run this brush through your hair"

Hank does so quickly before once more congratulating Bobby. He makes his way to the door which swish's open upon his approach.

Hank step's out to a huge cry of cheer from the crowd and the sound of Eiffel 65's song 'I'm blue'.

Standing and beholding his adoring crowd for a while Hank face turns into one of puzzlement. This look disappears as quickly as it appeared however, as he makes a sweeping bow to the audience sending them into a frenzy.

"How does it feel to be a free man?" Scott asks Hank as he bounces into the interview seat.

"Don't recognise you from somewhere?" Hank puzzled look returns

"Yeah, I'm Scott Summers. I was in the house with you for a while."

"Really? I would have remembered an ugly face like yours I'm sure."

"Humph! Takes an ugly face to know one" Scott retorts angrily.

Hank's whimper of sadness is unexpected "I can't help it, it's my mutation."

"Oh…I'm sorry." Scott murmurs quietly, eyes downcast. "So Henry, what would you say was your all time favourite moment in the mansion?"

Hank perks up a bit as he begins to talk animatedly about the friends he has made in the mansion and his beloved Twinkie tree. The audience's eyes glaze over.

"And what were the worst bits?" Scott dares to interrupt Hank's declaration of joy at being a chosen contestant.

"You are a rude young man aren't you?" Hank looks at him disdainfully for a moment before sighing. "Ok, that would be when I got frozen in the bath by Bobby. It reminded me of that woolly mammoth they found in…"

Once again Hank rambles on and on until Scott has had enough. In a movement that Hank does not catch, as he describe the benefits of fur and the reproductive cycles of his girlfriend Trish Tilby, Scott beckons over Pete and Piotr.

Hank continues to talk even as Piotr grabs him by the legs and swings him over his shoulders; carrying him off into the crowd.

Scott gives what appears to be a silent prayer to god in thanks before straightening his shades.

"Now, ladies and gentleman of the audience, it is time to enter the Big Brotherhood Mansion and meet the winner of X-Big Brotherhood 2003-4"

Scott leaps and bounds to the house, his enthusiasm rubbing off on the audience.

"Bobby! Cooeeee!" Scott yells throwing open the door, when he hears no reply he look around tentatively. "Bobby where are you?"

"In the garden!" Comes Bobby's reply finally.

The younger mutant can be seen swinging upside down on the branch of Twinkie tree.

"So Bobby how does it feel to be…." Scott can not finish his sentence however as a dull thud and a curse can be heard behind him.

It appears that Magneto (seemingly recovered from the bonfire incident) has come floating into the Big Brotherhood mansion; unfortunately he didn't float quite high enough and tripped over the fence.

"Magneto!" Scott gasp, clapping his hands to his face.

Bobby looks unperturbed as he waves slightly to the former housemate before slipping into an almost catatonic state.

"Oh my God! Look! It's a big red dish rag coming right for us!" Scott screams in terror before feinting.

The red dish rag however seems to be Jean Grey who is telekinetically lifting herself over the fence into the garden.

"Bobby quick you have to snap out of it!" Jeans voice is low before she telekinetically slaps Bobby around the face, bringing him back to the land of the living.

As is synchronised Scott also staggers back upright after his feinting attack. "Bloody corset must be too tight." He mumbles under his breath, before adding "Happened to the Victorians all the time"

"Jean but you are…dead" Bobby says "Oh my god I've got a Six Sense like that kid from the movie!"

"Are you forgetting who I am Bobby? I am Jean Grey-Summers coming back from the dead is how I make my living!"

"We are here to inform you that grave discrepancies have been going on in this Big Brotherhood house, especially in concerns to this young one" Magneto speaks for the first time and with the air of authority.

"Oh my dear lord no…not FORNICATION!" Scott looks as if he is on the verge of another feinting spell.

"No it appears several housemates have been psychically manipulated in order to see which stereotype would win over the public's hearts" Jean continues the story pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

"But what could such a brute possibly hope to gain from such venture?" Bobby asks.

"The brute in question is one Professor Charles Xavier, who is currently hunting for the perfect P.R. person for the group of mutant outlaws the X-men"

"So what you're telling me is this Xavier (if that is his real name) has been manipulating housemates as an experiment…a test run if you will?" Scott says catching onto the direction of the conversation.

Suddenly a low pitch humming is heard, as the camera pans around the mysterious manipulator is revealed. Professor Charles Xavier makes his way across the lawn in his electric wheelchair careful to avoid the potholes.

"Gentlemen, meet the manipulator!" Jean indicates the bald man who has come to a stop at Jeans red leather clad feet.

"Ha so my plan was a success. It seems as if the innocent, childlike qualities I brought out in Bobby are what tug's at the audiences heart strings!"

"While I think you are sick, I must quite admire you plan. It is one worthy of the Master of Magnetism himself!" Erik voice resounds loud and clear in the garden area of the Big Brotherhood Mansion.

"I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids" Xavier laments shaking his fist, seconds pass as Piotr and Pete (the latter with a love bite on his jaw) make their way over to the old man and wheel him away.

"Oh man I feel like I can finally think straight for the first time since entering the house. I know how it must have felt for Hank to have been stripped of his intelligence now." Bobby says somewhat solemnly

"Yeah I know what you mean Bobby, I can finally take control of my own thoughts" Scott gushes bending down to pick up his microphone.

"Scott, you know I love you very much. But I feel I must inform you, you were not one of the ones being manipulated." Jean informs him sadly, throwing an arm over his shoulder, by means of comfort.

"You mean I'm not the stereotypical naturist."

Jean and Eric shake their heads as his sadly.

"Ok so if I wasn't being manipulated then who was?"

"Big Brother himself for one, Bobby, Victor, Ororo, Logan, Mystique and on occasion Remy and Rogues feeling's for each other were toyed with." Jean ticked them off on her fingers "Oh and I was too."

"You mean Jubilation was really that annoying naturally?" Bobby asks in amazement.

"What about you Erik were you manipulated?" Scott asks pushing his glasses up his nose.

"Sadly, I fear, I was not." Erik admits somewhat shame facedly remembering his spat as the Conquistador.

Scott suddenly seems to remember something and looks quickly at his watch.

"What a night it has been here on the final night of X-Big Brotherhood, but I'm afraid we have run out of time we shall hand you over to the news just as soon as we have given Bobby his winning cheque". As if from no where, Scott produces a large cheque from behind his back.

"So that would explain why he acts like he has a stick up his butt." Eric comments under his breath.

Suddenly as if from nowhere the smell of burning can be smelt by the occupants of the garden as Bobby cheque goes up in smoke.

"KAT!"

It is thus, with the sound of cursing and little girls screeching that X-Big Brotherhood 2004-2005 closes.

A year on from X-Big Brotherhood.

A year on the band of merry mutants has experienced both the highs and lows of fame.

After a number one single entitled 'Mystique the s', Hell Reaper disappeared into reality T.V. oblivion.

After the split Hank became the face of the Twinkie, advertising them anyway he can, either by sporting wrappers as an accessory or appearing on infomercials on the benefits of the sugary snack.

Bobby returned to his normal frame of mind was devastated by the split of the band that made him an over night sex magnet. He is currently in rehab.

Victor, surprised to learn that Mystique had remained celibate in honour of him during his stint in the Big Brotherhood mansion, is now considering making an honourable person of her and signing her up to vote.

Mystique on the other hand is spending more time to reacquaint herself with her children, except Graydon who she is getting an assassin to kill.

Erik now runs the biggest terrorist group the world has known. On Sundays however, he takes a well deserved rest and visits his old friend Charles Xavier in prison and challenges him to games of 'Rock, paper, scissors.'

Logan, still high on the adrenaline of fame, turns up to all the showbiz parties and gets snubbed by the all A-lister's who attend. All, that is, except the cheap red head that can be found at every venue.

Ororo has never been seen since her disappearance, her spirit however has had a guest appearance on the X-files.

Remy and Rogue got married briefly. Unfortunately due to a misunderstanding, Remy is now residing in the Antarctic.

Jean has since died and come back again three times, much to the chagrin of her husband Scott who now does guest appearances as the drag queen Olivio.

Kat has since disappeared back into the hole from whence she came.

Jubilee now has a kitten called Gloss.

Ok that's all folks, hope y'all enjoyed the ride. Leave me a review and let me know what you thought of the final! Watch out for more reality T.V. X-men specials by Anything But ordianary3 (if I can get my ideas down on paper!)