By Norwalker
Part 3 of ?
Rating : R for language, sexual situations and violence.
Category: Romance/Angst/Drama
Disclaimer: Most, if not all of the characters depicted here are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Inc. and Fox. This is a work of fiction; any similarities to anyone living or dead are purely coincidental.
Summary: Third in a series of stories started with " Summer of faith" and continued in "Seasons of faith". In the last book, Buffy died fighting Glorificus, the Hell goddess. This book picks up where that book ended. How does Faith deal with the loss of Buffy? How does life change for the scoobies? Buffy will be with them always, but is there more to it than just memories? Stay tuned.
Spoilers: Possible season 6 and season 7 spoilers. Hope you've watched them by now.
Timeline: Season 6, maybe season 7 and beyond( don't know yet).
WARNING: There is always the possibility of major character death. Romance between members of the same gender(duh). Sexual situations between members of the same gender. This is an Alternate Universe (AU) story. The real(by the series 'coda' ) relationship between Buffy and Faith never happened here. So if you're looking for the dark, knife wielding, don't give a crap about nothing but me Faith, She's not here.(ok, bit of an exaggeration, as we all know by now that Faith redeemed herself, but the "dark, evil" Faith never got a chance to live here). Violence happens. Adult themes( someday, I plan on being one, too). Sexual situations. All the usual stuff.
Faith feels the sunlight dance over her face. She makes a small mewling protest sound, hoping it would go away. She knew she has to get up… damn. She hates getting up early… but when you work, and have a kid to get to high school, and school is on the OTHER side of town, you gotta get up. Gotta. Getting up. Right now. 'K, in just a minute.
Faith snuggles deeper into the covers, feeling the warmth bathe over her. She is in that gray area between sleep and wakefulness where you're aware of things around you, but you feel the seductive tug of sleep. She loved this, it was that time before she had to open her eyes and face another day without Buffy. Despite everything she's done , she can still smell Buffy in the bed they shared, her soft scent wafting up from some hidden place. Here, in this space, she can pretend that Buffy's still alive, and that she's sleeping next to her. She can almost hear Buffy's soft breathing, and the cute little snores and sniffles she makes while sleeping. As she lay there, pretending to sleep, thinking about her lover, she feels a warm hand slip into hers. It's soft, but roughened from years of holding a stake. It squeezes her hand gently, and Faith's eyes fly open. She sees Buffy, smiling that seductive bedroom smile of hers, her eyes only half open.
"Heya, sleepy" Buffy whispers so not to disturb the rest of the house.
"B-B-Baby??" Faith replies, softly. She can feel her heart starting to do jumping jacks in her chest. This can't be. This can't BE!
" Mmmm. It's so unfair, Faith" Buffy pouts, " you're even cute when you sleep. God, you're gorgeous. No one should be as gorgeous as you after they've been asleep" Buffy smiles softly at her.
"Y-Y-Your not gone?" Faith asks, her mind reeling , her heart banging against her chest like a sledgehammer. This can't be real, this isn't real. God, … it can't be.
"Gone? Silly girl! Why would I be gone?" Buffy giggles softly. " Now, if you asked if my mind were gone, well… after last night, sweet cheeks, that'd be a whole different novel." Buffy snuggles in the bed." Mmmm…. mmmm… mmmm… that was so nice". She licks her lips, as if trying to still taste Faith on them. She squeezes Faith's hand again.
Faith feels Buffy's hand squeeze hers, and she knows. It was just a dream. A nightmare. A horrible nightmare. Buffy wasn't dead… she's alive!!! Yes, oh god… it was so real… so terrible, I gotta tell her… not now…not now…
Buffy stretches under the covers, and makes a whimpering protest' Do we have to get up? I just wanna stay in bed all day… mmmm… munch on chocolate and Faith. Mmmm… my favorite snacks" Buffy giggles, looking at Faith.
" No, baby, we don't gotta" Faith says, " We can stay in bed all day. I love you so much, B" Faith says, her voice quavering. "So much sometimes it hurts". Faith feels the tears stinging at her eyes, but she just lets them. She's just so happy Buffy is with here , now, forever.
"Ooooh, Faith, … what's wrong, baby?" Buffy coos, in her little girl sing-song voice." You look so sad!" Buffy reaches out, and Faith can feel her fingertips caress over her cheek. She feels the tears dropping on her cheeks. " You're crying!" Buffy says, leaning over.
"I-I had the most horrible dream, Buffy" Faith says, her heart pounding in her chest. " You…you died, and left me and Dawnie alone. It… was a nightmare. God, it was so real!" Faith is starting to sob.
"Awww, Silly-Billy Faithy Waify don't cry" Buffy coos, " I'm right here. I'll always be right here, baby cakes. You know that". Buffy smiles at Faith , running her fingers over Faith's soft cheek. Faith just is in heaven, she doesn't care about anything else right now, Buffy is here, that's all that matters.
" You're so beautiful, B. God, I can't get enough of you" Faith whispers softly. She just looks at Buffy as the sunlight plays in her shimmering golden hair.
" You're such a liar" Buffy blushes, reaching up and feeling her hair, " God, a cat crawled up and died in my hair" Buffy giggles, trying to smooth out the bed hair." Not everybody can look as gorgeous as you do in the morning. I'm so envious!"
" Kiss me, B. I need a kiss so bad you don't know" Faith begs
Buffy puts her hand to her mouth and breaths. Her nose wrinkles up. " No way, cutie, unless I wanna kill you. I got stinky breath!" Buffy pulls away, starting to get up. " C'mon, lazybones. Nice as it'd be to stay in bed all day, we gotta get our asses moving. Dawn starts high school, and that means a trip across town. C'mon, you sex goddess… get outta bed before I attack you again" Buffy teases. Faith feels Buffy's hand releasing hers, and she gets scared.
" Please, B, don't leave me! Stay with me. Gimme a kiss, please?" Faith is almost beside herself in fear. Somehow she knows if Buffy gets out of bed, she'll go again. She'll be gone again.
" Faith, God , you're incorrigible. " Buffy stands up, the sunlight playing over her naked body as she reaches for a robe. Faith feels her heart flutter, she gets this way every time she sees the small blonde naked. Buffy puts on the robe, and looks over her shoulder." C'mon, cutems, get up" She says, seductively, " let me brush my teeth, and I'll give you all the kisses you want". She starts towards the bedroom door.
"Please, baby, just a few more minutes. Stay just a few more minutes with me" Faith is almost in tears.
"Faith" Buffy says, her tone light, but her face looking a little worried, "what's your deal today? You know we got so much to do. Get up and lets get goin', baby" Buffy walks out the door. Faith watches her go, feeling her heart growing cold and sinking in her chest.
Faith's eyes pop open, and she's alone. She looks over to Buffy's side of the bed, but as it's been for the last 4 months, the pillow is undisturbed… no one's been sleeping on it. She sighs. Another day alone… another day without Buffy. God, how can she get through it?
She turns over, and nearly starts out of her skin. Dawn is standing over her, her intense blue eyes looking down on her. she's dressed in a robe, and her hair is hanging loose, but it looks like it's been brushed. She's smirking at the still reclining Faith, her arms folded over her chest.
" C'mon, lazybones. Don't you know what day this is?" Dawn needles her," First day of high school. I'm so jazzed. Get up, get up, get up" She starts tugging at Faith's covers." Up, up, up, up, up!" She giggles. Faith, who always sleeps au naturel, pulls back, not particularly wanting Dawn to be aware of that fact.
"Knock it off, P-nut. I'm coming" Faith says, chuckling." You're such a pest!" Faith teases her, " I know you're so not gonna be this excited a week into school !".
" Yes I am!" Dawn calls over her shoulder. " Hurry up, Faith. Don't wanna be late!"
Dawn practically dances out of the room in her excitement. Faith just watches her, and shakes her head.
'What a nut. So excited over school. God, If I didn't know better, I'd swear she was Red's sister, and not B's' Faith sighs.' Aw, B, I wish you could see her. She's so sweet. A pest, pain in the ass, make me crazy with her crap, but sometimes she's just so sweet." Faith stands up… then wavers a little. She can still feel the effects of last night's drinking.' I'm sorry, baby' Faith says, looking at the picture of Buffy she keeps on her dresser, ' I been bad again. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I just need it so I can sleep. It just hurts too much sometimes. I know, I know. I gotta be good. I got the P-nut to watch out for. And I'm good… most of the time. But…' Faith grabs her robe, and drapes it over herself. She reaches out, picks up the picture, and as she does every morning, gives it a kiss. She looks at the smiling blonde in the picture, wearing a hat and sunglasses, mugging for the camera. She took this picture of B at the last picnic they went on together. Buffy was wearing some frou-frou sun dress with large flowers, and those cute strappy sandals. Faith had dressed up in some outfit Buffy insisted on buying for her… they'd gone to Hillman's bluff, which overlooked Sunnydale. Buffy called it her "secret slayer " spot… where she came to think when times were bad. The view was gorgeous, but Buffy eclipsed it all. They just sat and ate, and held hands, and kissed, and watched the sun go down. It was one of the sweetest days they'd spent together. They'd been so happy.
Faith replaces the picture, and walks towards the bathroom. Another day… another lonely, crappy day.
Tara and Willow are in the kitchen, making breakfast. Normally, breakfast consists of a rushed bowl of cereal in the morning as everyone is in a hurry to start the day. But today is special, in more ways than one. It's Dawn's first day of high school.
Tara is at the stove, putting a final stir on the pancake batter. Willow is fussing with the table, laying out plates, pouring juice. There is already a platter of eggs and bacon on the table. Dawn walks in, just as Willow is finishing up with the juice.
"Whoa, what the deal?" Dawn says, seeing the spread. She looks at Willow and Tara, her face puzzled. " It's not Saturday, or anything."
"It's you're first day in high school, Dawnie" Willow says, almost as jazzed as Dawn. " It's gonna be so cool." She shoves a little wrapped package towards Dawn. Dawn's eyes go wide, and she looks up. "What's this? For me? " She's grinning ear to ear. Like the kid she is, she tears into it. She opens the box, and inside is a small necklace, with a small, smooth stone attached. She looks at the two women.
" This is sooo pretty" She says, holding it up, " what is it?"
"I-It's a healing stone, Dawnie" Tara says, from the stove, " It's good luck".
" When you hit a tough time or something" Willow says, continuing the thought, " just take the stone in your palm and rub it with your thumb. It'll give you a little extra boost". She smiles at Dawn.
" Still with the voodoo stuff, huh guys?" Faith says walking into the kitchen. She stops cold, seeing the table " Wow. It's not Saturday, is it?"
" It's Dawn's first day of high school. Thought she could do with something besides a bowl of sugar frosted sugar" Willow says, with maybe just a touch of aspersion. " And it's not Voodoo, Faith. It's Wicca!".
" Well, excuuuuuse me, Red" Faith says, mockingly. She throws up her hands, seeing Willow looking a touch pissed, " I'm only kidding, honest!" She smiles, and Willow relaxes a little. She looks at the necklace." That's really pretty. Did you thank Red and Tara?" Faith asks.
" Thanks , guys!" Dawn chirps out, " I love it!" She puts around her neck, and fastens the clasp.
" So, Dawnie? Shapes or Rounds? For the pancakes?" Tara asks.
"Rounds I think" Dawn says, feeling like the star. Which today, she is. She starts putting some eggs and bacon on her plate.
"How about you, Faith?" Tara asks, " Want some pancakes?"
"Nawww, thanks Tara, but I'm kinda off my feed this morning. Feeling a bit queasy. Think I'll stick with coffee" Faith says, heading for the cupboard to get a mug.
Tara looks at Faith , her brow reflecting her worry. Faith isn't one to pass up breakfast, she knows something's wrong. She can feel a sad vibe coming off of her… must've been another Buffy dream. That always upsets her.
Tara's been really worried about Faith lately. Her appetite has been near zilch. She's getting thin, too thin for Faith. And she's been drinking . She's found the bottles that Faith tries to hide in the trash. She never sees her drunk, or even drinking, so she figures she's doing it late at night. She knows by the dark rings under her eyes she has trouble sleeping.
Her heart breaks for her friend. Faith has always just accepted her like she is, and Tara's been grateful. So many people make a deal about her slight stutter, and her shy ways. But to Faith, that's just Tara, and Faith likes her just fine that way. Tara is very fond of Faith, and seeing her so miserable just hurts. It's been four months since Buffy died, and Faith seems as nearly as devastated as the first day. Not when people are watching, but when she thinks she's alone…
This was the main reason she agreed to Willow's crazy plan, If there's a small chance they can bring Buffy back, make Faith happy again, she's all for it. Even though, thinking about the spell, and all it entails, gives her a major case of the wigs. Despite Willow's confidence, Tara knows it's a dangerous and complicated spell. It's really forbidden by the Wicca religion, because it's messing with the natural order of things. Of course, Tara rationalizes it by the nature of Buffy's death… mystical. But it's still risky. If something goes wrong, it can be …nasty. She's read about some cases that went wrong… it still makes her sick.
But she knows Willow is a powerful witch. And she believes in her. So, despite her reservations, she's on board for it. She just prays it all goes right.
Faith finishes her coffee, and looks at her watch.
" Heya, P-nut, we're gonna have to motor soon if we're gonna you to school , and me to work on time" Faith says.
"She's still eating, Faith" Willow says, " Let her finish at least"
Dawn jumps up, ready to go " Done !" she says, heading for the door.
"Hey…hey, hey!" Faith says, calling her back.
"What?" Dawn says, trudging back.
" Whatcha say to Willow and Tara, Dawnie?" Faith asks, eyebrow raised.
Dawn blushes " Sorry. Thanks guys, it was great" She smiles, turns and heads for the door.
"Dawn…your lunch" Tara says, running after her.
"What was that about, Faith?" Willow asks, a little annoyed.
"Huh?" Faith asks, bewildered.
"First you tell her to hurry up or you'll be late, then you call her back and have her say thanks, wasting time" Willow says.
"Well, gee. Red. You and Tara went to a lot of trouble. Thought it was the right thing to do?" Faith says, feeling defensive.
"Well, we know she appreciated it. She ate!" Willow says.
" I'm sure it was great, Red." Faith says, agreeably, " Just not hungry. Tummy troubles, ya know?"
" We went to a lot of trouble. At least you could've made the effort, Faith" Willow says, irritated.
" I know you did , Red, " Faith says, calmly, but feeling her own back getting up, " But would've it been better for me to try to force something down, then run to the bathroom cuz I had to heave?"
Willow says nothing, just rolls her eyes as if saying " Why do I even bother?". She turns away.
Faith looks as if she wants to say more, but she decides against it. She turns and walks away.
Tara walks back in the kitchen, passing Faith as she leaves. She feels the vibe, and goes to Willow, who's washing dishes.
"Hey, sweetie" Tara says, " I'll get those".
"No it's fine" Willow says, a little briskly. " You made breakfast. I'll clean up".
Tara's brow furrows. " What's up, Willow?" She asks.
" Nothing, " Willow says, evasively, " just gotta get this stuff done before school".
" Ok, Willow. What happened?" Tara asks, to the point.
" What is with her?" Willow asks, referring to Faith. " I mean, we went to a lot of trouble to make this breakfast. Would it have killed her to at least make an effort to eat something? She's can't take 5 minutes for breakfast?"
"She wasn't feeling well, Willow" Tara says, reasonably, " she said that, you know".
"She probably would've felt better if she had something for breakfast besides coffee" Willow says, " it's not healthy to skip breakfast."
Tara shoots Willow a look. " Ok, Willow, what's really bothering you?" She asks.
" I just told you, Tara, …." Willow starts, but Tara cuts her off.
" Willow?" Tara says, in her 'don't even try to b.s. me Willow' tone.
"When did she become Dawnie's mom? I mean, did you hear her?" Willow complains
"What? I don't understand, Willow?" Tara says, really puzzled.
" Twice she sat there, or stood there, and told Dawn to thank us. I mean, geeze. Like we're strangers here or something." Willow says, scrubbing harder on the pan to work out some anger.
" Oh, she's terrible" Tara gently chides Willow, " Correcting Dawn's manners. She's a beast!"
"Tara!" Willow cries, turning towards Tara, " That's not the point. Sure, it would've been nice if Dawn had said thanks on her own, but even so, she's acting like we're guests , and she's Dawn's parent. We're all helping with Dawn. I don't see her helping Dawn with her studies".
" She's dyslexic, Willow, remember?" Tara says, " She's has a hard time reading. And, not like Dawn's had any studies, really. Except maybe for the little bits of magic we've been teaching her."
" I'm talking about last year, Tara" Willow says. " We helped a lot with Dawn's studies".
" Buffy was still… here then, Willow" Tara says quietly. " She was looking after Dawn then. Faith helped her then, too".
" Yeah, well, now that Buffy's … not here… it seems like Faith is shoving us out of the picture!" Willow says.
"No she's not, Willow" Tara says, " She lets us have plenty of time with Dawnie. I think I know what's upsetting you".
Willow says nothing, concentrating on the pan she's scrubbing.
" You're just a little jealous because Dawn likes to hang with Faith, too". Tara says
" I'm so not jealous!" Willow denies, " That's silly!"
" Is it? Because the way I see it , Dawn is like a connection to Buffy for the both of you. You both love Buffy" Tara says. Willow starts to protest, but Tara stops her. " We've talked about this, Willow. Don't be denying it. I'm not saying you're IN love with Buffy. But you both love Buffy, and being with Dawnie reminds you of her, in a way. So, you both, not just you, honey, Faith too, you both resent time the other gets with her. You both are strong willed," Willow starts to protest again, " Willow, please, I live with you, remember? You're both strong willed, and I'll bet you both failed Sharing in kindergarten."
"That's so not true, Tara!" Willow says. I got a D.
" What you both have to learn is that Dawn needs you both" Tara says, gently. " You both are like… moms and sisters to her. So, stop fighting with Faith over Dawn, honey, and just be happy Dawnie's got two women who love her so much… well, three " Tara smiles, including herself.
" Yeah, well… ok" Willow grumbles. But she knows Tara's right. But admit it? Uh-huh.
"Oooo you're going to be my lil grumbly witch?" Tara teases her. She comes up behind her, and tickles Willow.
"STOP THAT" Willow giggles.
" Won't! " Tara says, tickling her some more.
STOP! STOP!" Willow begins to laugh. Tara takes her in a clutch, and they stand, face to face.
" Now, isn't this nicer?" Tara says, leaning in for a kiss.
" Oh, most definitely nicer!" Willow agrees, kissing her.
Faith comes out of the house, burning a little under the collar. What is with Red, anyway? Where's she get off getting all huffy? I'm not feeling so good, I didn't mean to insult anyone. God, sometimes…she can be such a … c'mon , Faith, you weren't all sweetness and light, either. Just chill, girl.
Dawn is waiting by the car, looking impatient. She wants to GO!
"P-nut, I got somethin' for ya too, it being your first day in high school and all" Faith says, smiling.
"Really?" Dawn says, getting excited. "What? Where is it?"
"Aren't we the little greedy guts?" Faith laughs. Dawn blushes, feeling embarrassed. Faith continues" It's ok, sweetie, I'm just yanking your chain. It's in the car. Why don't ya get it out?" Faith grins.
Dawn turns, and takes a box out of the back seat. She shows it to Faith, who nods affirmatively. Dawn looks at the box, trying to guess what's in it.
" What is it, Faith?" Dawn asks, rattling the box.
" Might be easier if you just opened it, Dawn" Faith teases her. She knows Dawn likes to guess. " Now remember, it's nothing cool like Tara and Red gave you, but I thought you might like it".
Dawn, her curiosity piqued, tears off the ribbon, and opens the box. Her eyes go wide, and she pulls out a leather jacket, somewhat like the one that Faith is wearing. She starts to jump up and down and squeal.
" I love it! I LOVE IT" She squeals. Faith makes a motion for her to hold it down. Dawn calms down, and shrugging off her old coat, puts on the jacket. She's grinning from ear to ear.
" This is so totally cool, Faith!" Dawn says.
" Yeah, well, it's no big. It's not as nice as what Red and Tara gave you. They made that special for you. This I just bought" Faith says, " I couldn't make you nothin nice like that".
" I love it!" Dawn says. She comes over and gives Faith a hug. Faith smiles.
"Well, you know me, school and stuff. Not my big thing. But I know being cool is always important… so I figured this'll help. And I saw you jonesing on mine. So I thought I'd protect my jacket, and get you your own".
Dawn models the jacket. Faith gives her the thumbs up.
"So, am I cool or what?" Dawn asks, grinning.
"Totally, girlfriend!" Faith says, " Hey, this being your first day and all, what say we make an impression and show up in style?" Faith grins.
"What do you mean?" Dawn asks, puzzled.
"Let's say we're so NOT taking the mom mobile today" Faith grins. Dawn looks confused.
Faith walks into the garage, and wheels out her bike. Dawn's eyes go wide.
" You're bike? You mean it? Really?" Dawn is getting all excited again. " But you hardly ever ride that these days".
"Yeah," Faith says quietly. Since Buffy's … been gone, riding the bike hasn't been as much fun for Faith. " But I think today's a good reason , don't you?" She grins.
" Oh, yeah!" Dawn agrees. " this is so… so!"
Walking to the car, Faith grabs her toolbox, and attaches it to the rear fender of the bike, strapping down with bungee cords. She smiles as it reminds her of the time she and Buffy rode this bike from L.A. to Sunnydale. Who woulda thought?
Faith hands Dawn a helmet. Dawn puts it on, and smiles. For a brief moment Faith sees Buffy standing there. It makes her heart do a flip. Faith smiles, and hops on the bike. She kick starts it, and it roars to life. Dawn hops on the back, and they're off.
Dawn wraps her arms around Faith's waist as she maneuvers expertly through traffic. She leans her head on Faith's back, and the hum of the motor lulls her into her own thoughts.
Her feelings about Faith had been taking an… interesting turn lately. Before, she just thought of Faith as Buffy's girlfriend. Kinda cool, a lot annoying, you know… typical. It was kinda weird for her to realize that Faith, like her sister, was a slayer. Before that, they'd always thought there was only one slayer at a time. Dawn figured that was why they kinda got along, and at times, didn't. She'd been a little wigged at Buffy and Faith being, well…lovers. Kinda the same when she found out about Tara and Willow. At school it'd made for some hard times, but she learned to just accept it. After all, Buffy was totally weird anyway, what with having a vampire as a boyfriend. Why shouldn't she kinda well… you know? She couldn't see it. She was totally into boys town. But her sister seemed happy, so she just shrugged.
After Buffy … was gone, things started to change for Dawn. Though she did her best to brave it out, not show her feelings, it'd been really tough for her. Mom dying, then Buffy soon after, had just really thrown her world into a loop. Being a mystical energy blob hadn't exactly been helpful, either. Nor did the fact that she was just barely a year old now, rather than 15. She had all these memories she knew in her head were false, but in her heart seemed to be so true. That first month after Buffy's death had been tough, really tough.
Faith had helped her get through that period intact. At least, that's what Dawn believed. Willow and Tara helped, to be sure. She loved them dearly, and they always made time for her. But it was Faith that kept her grounded. Faith was sympathetic, don't even believe otherwise, but she didn't let get away with stuff. She wasn't harsh, but she was definitely firm. Faith had been there, done that, and knew the tricks, better than the other two. She was totally cool about it, too. She didn't humiliate Dawn by calling her bluff in front of everybody. She took her aside, told her what's what, and let her know she was watching her. At first Dawn had resented it, feeling Faith was picking on her. But inside, it was what she needed… someone in charge, who wasn't going to be pushed around. She'd never ever admitted it , nor would she, but she was so glad that Faith took a stand. It gave her a feeling of security.
Thinking back, she realizes that Faith had always been there for her. In one way or another. When Buffy was being a total ogre to her, treating her like some kid, Faith stuck up for her, making Buffy realize that Dawn was growing up. When mom died, and Buffy seemed so remote, Faith lent a shoulder for Dawn to sob on. And when Buffy died, when she jumped into the vortex to save Dawn, Faith was there for her, helped her through that really rough patch. She sensed when Dawn wanted to be alone, and respected that. When Dawn needed someone to hold onto, Faith was there to hold onto. When Dawn had the incredible guilt over Buffy dying for her, Faith made her realize that Buffy wanted to do that, that she wanted Dawn to go on, live, and carry on the Summer's line. That it wasn't Dawn's fault that Buffy died, but Buffy's choice. Faith never once made Dawn feel like she'd wanted her to die instead. Dawn knew that Faith was torn up inside over losing Buffy. Yet each day Faith made Dawn feel like it was good she was alive, and that Buffy had made the right choice.
Dawn leaned her head on Faith's back. She was beginning to realize how important Faith was in her life. She was beginning to bond with Faith, thinking of her as more than a guardian, more than a big sister. Even more than a friend. Whenever Faith came in a room, Dawn was feeling a special happiness, a warm glow. When Faith was sad over Buffy, Dawn felt a sadness in her own heart, beyond her own grieving for her sister. She suspected she was getting a major crush on Faith, and she , strangely enough, liked it. She also knew that Faith didn't share that feeling, and probably never would. Dawn realized that Faith, despite her coolness, despite her giving her some room to be herself, despite treating her like an adult, would never see her like an adult. Not like she saw Buffy , anyway. Dawn found she didn't like that. She wanted Faith to see her as a woman, not a child. But she was smart enough to know that wasn't going to happen. And that she couldn't say what she was feeling. She didn't want the laughter, or worse, the pity. Nope, she had to keep these feelings to herself, never let Faith know what she was feeling. Things were bad enough without Faith getting wiggy on her. Better to just suffer in silence. Even if Faith couldn't deal with it, Dawn certainly could. She was mature, after all.
Faith came roaring up the block to the school. Dawn looked at the group gathering at the front steps, and saw the expressions when Faith's bike did a U turn in the street and came to a halt at the steps… a rather dramatic gesture, but Dawn was eating it up. She saw how the kids were like… blown away. Cool… just totally cool!
" Heya, P-nut, we're here" Faith says. " Think we blew 'em away?"
"Faith, don't call me that please" Dawn says
" Call you what, P-nut?" Faith asks, a little confused… maybe a little hurt.
"THAT! P-nut… it's so… so… babyish. I'm so not a baby, you know?" Dawn says
"Oh," Faith says, voice low and a little contrite, " Sorry P…er… Dawn. I didn't know. I just always called you that. Cuz you're so cute I could eat ya right up!" Faith grins, but her eyes are a little sad.
Dawn is sorry almost at once. "I'm sorry, Faith… I just…"
" No big, honey. I know. You're all grown up now, cute little pet names aren't so cute anymore… I got it" Faith says, smiling. " You know how we fogies can be." She shifts gears, "anyway, Willow's going to pick you up, right?" She asks.
"Yeah, after school" Dawn says. She knows she hurt Faith, and she wished now she hadn't . I can be so dumb sometimes! She thinks to herself.
"Well, have a good 'un, 'K? " Faith says, dropping her visor back down. " Seeya later, Dawnie" She kick- starts the bike, and pulls away, heading back to the other side of town.
Dawn stands there, watching Faith disappear in the distance, feeling all of 2" tall. She kicks herself for being such a dummy. She turns, and feeling a lot less jazzed than just five minutes ago, she walks into the school.
Night has l fallen over Sunnydale. There's a full moon out tonight, and the night is bright, casting long dark shadows from the trees. Most people are at home, enjoying their families, or watching TV, or doing the usual stuff they do. Others are out at the Bronze, or one of the other bars in Sunnydale, trying to create a new life for themselves. Then there's one figure alone, walking through the cemeteries and parks, watching out for the other denizens of the night. Doing what she's born to do, fulfilling her destiny.
Faith enjoys the night. Unlike Buffy, she feels at home in the half darkness… to her it brings some strange solace. She's as comfortable in the night as are the creatures that she hunts. For she's, above all, a huntress. She enjoys the pursuit, the confrontation, and the kill. All are satisfying to her on a deep level. She once told Buffy that slaying made her hungry and horny… but it was deeper than that. It stirs passions in her, some dark, some good. Again, unlike Buffy, she's never seen slaying as a job, but as a calling. Something she's good at, without thinking about it. Even more than Buffy, this comes naturally to her. Like breathing. She needs it to feel whole.
Faith is wandering through Restfield cemetery, doing routine patrol. It's been a pretty quiet night… but that's been true ever since Buffy had defeated Glory. The hellmouth wasn't attracting the beasties like it used to. Maybe it's gone inactive. Oh well, give it another half hour or so, and call it quits, she thinks.
Faith is still going over this morning in her head. She often uses the quiet times of patrol to do her thinking. Most other times, she's too busy to think about things. This is her quiet time, her time to reflect. To sort things out, and make them make sense.
A small rueful grin comes to her face. She hid it, but Dawn's remarks had really cut deep this morning. It's stupid, she knows that. Dawn was just being Dawn, trying to grow up way too fast… like her sister and Faith grew up way too fast. Faith knew it's just a little thing; hell, it was just a nickname after all.
It hurt, nonetheless. Though she tosses out her little nicknames casually, she really gives some thought to them. To her, they defined who the person is. Dawn, rejecting P-nut, kinda felt like she's rejecting Faith. To Faith , her pet names for people are a gesture of affection, it show she cares enough to bother. Having it rejected is sorta like telling Faith that her affections aren't wanted. It's silly, of course, she thought. It didn't mean that Dawn cares any less. She knows that in her head… if she could only get her heart to understand it. Sigh. Gee, mom, you're little girl is growing up. God, I get maudlin at times.
Faith looks up, and realizes she's near Buffy's grave. She figures she'll wander over, and say hi. Not as if she didn't say hi like every week, but hey… she misses Buffy, and visiting her grave gives her some small comfort. She changes direction, heading towards Buffy's grave, when she comes to a dead stop. Someone… or something… is standing by Buffy's grave. Her slayer sense is working overtime, so this wasn't some ordinary civilian. Her mood sours, and she starts moving cautiously. Some demon or vamp is going to try to disturb my baby's grave, Faith thought, feeling her anger rise. Well, screw that. He or she is gonna learn you don't mess with Buffy's grave… learn it the hard way… at the end of my stake!
She begins to move in circles, looking for other demons or vamps in the area. But there're none, just the one standing near Buffy's grave. Well, well , Faith thinks to herself, looks like the evening won't be a total bust, after all. This is her fave part of the hunt… circling the prey, bracing for the kill. It's gonna be so sweet, Faith thinks.
She makes herself silent. She moves slowly, carefully. She doesn't want to tip the creature that she's close. She hangs to the shadows as much as possible, letting her dark clothing blend with the night. Quietly she creeps up on the vampire… because she's sure it was a vampire now… and readies herself for the fight. As she draws closer, she gets the feeling that somehow the vamp is familiar. But that's silly, of course. She doesn't exactly let her prey escape. Any vamps she's met previously are dust. Pretty much, anyway. Still, try as she might, she can't quite shake the feeling. She eases closer, trying to get a better look at him… but he has his back to her.
Familiar or not, she thought, Mr. Vamps gonna find the business end of my stake. I don't like vamps, and I really don't like 'em hanging around Buffy's grave. Just a little closer now… closer… closer… hah!
Faith leaps on the vampire, using her weight to push him forward . He falls, evidently not expecting the attack. He recovers quickly… too quickly for Faith's liking. He throws her over his back, sending her flying. She crashes into a marker, where she lays, stunned.
The vampire comes up on quickly, and stands over her. He doesn't make a move on her, but just watches her as she recovers from her daze. Slowly, Faith looks up, getting her first good look at the vampire.
ANGEL!!!!
What the hell is he doing here?
"Heya, Fang. Long time no see… not long enough, though" Faith quips, getting up." What brings you to Sunnydale? Get bored brooding in L.A. ?"
" Hello, Faith. I see you're methods haven't changed, " He observes, wryly. " Stake first, ask questions later" He stands smirking at her. Eyebrow arched, she returns the smirk.
" Yeah, well, that's what I do. Stake vampires. It's in the manual, first rule " If in doubt, stake the bloodsucker". Really kind clear on that point" Faith said. " Well, tall, dark and toothy, gonna answer my question?"
"Which question would that be, Faith" Angel replied, being deliberately thick
Faith looked at Angel, a bit of irritation showing in her face. It's always a pleasure to chat with Fang… NOT.
" What're you doing in Sunnydale?? I thought you were playing detective in L.A." Faith says, cynically," What? L.A. not giving you enough to do?"
Instead of answering, Angel just looks at Buffy's grave. Faith follows his gaze, and notes that a fresh bunch of lilies have been placed in the grave vase. She looks back up at him, and notes his sad expression. For some strange reason, she feels sorry for the poor sap. He evidently still's in love with Buffy, though he gave her up a couple of years ago. She's well aware how close it came to going the other way. She's finding it harder and harder to hold a grudge against him.
" Look… ummm… Angel" Faith said, making the effort to use his real name, " I know we've had our … differences in the past. Maybe It's time we stop being snotty to each other, and call a truce. After all, I don't think Buffy would like us sniping at each other all the time".
Angel looked at Faith, impressed . She made the first move, he has to respond in kind. " I've got to agree, Faith. Maybe it's time to stop burying the hatchet in each other, and just throw it away" Angel responded, " Maybe this is a good thing. After all, I sorta half liked you. You got guts, if nothing else".
"Well, that's about the best left handed compliment I've gotten in awhile" Faith chuckles, " I gotta admit, you're not too bad yourself, even if your dead, pale and about as warm as an ice cube".
Angel smirks, Faith smirks. They turn back to the grave, both standing silently. After awhile, they both are still uncomfortable, despite their new "Truce". Faith finally speaks up.
" Look, I'm gonna finish my patrol. That'll give you some 'alone time' with B." Faith said, " I expect you'll be done by then?" Not really a question, more a statement.
" Yeah. Thanks, Faith" Angel said.
Without another word, Faith departs. Angel watches her go, a bemused look on his face. If he does live forever, he'll never figure her out. Maybe that's what's so fascinating about her.
After awhile, he turns back to the grave, and quietly kneels down by it.
Hidden by distance and a tree, Faith watches Angel by Buffy's grave.
She's still suspicious of him, even if they called a 'truce'. She could never figure out Buffy's attraction for him.
Ok, he's sorta cute in a pale, been dead for 2 and a half centuries kinda way. But… a vampire? C'mon. Dead thing. Doesn't breathe. Doesn't have body temp. Exactly how are you to 'warm up' to that? And a demon, remember? How can you tell whether he's looking at you in love, or as a meal? Ok, harsh. I admit it. But I went through my own hell waiting for Buffy to make her mind about who she loves. Even close to the end, Faith pauses… the ache of thinking of that is too raw… even then she kissed him. What did I miss? What'm I not seeing here?
She watches him. He reaches out, and touches the stone, so like Faith when she does it to try to connect a little closer to Buffy. Though she can't hear him, she knows he's talking to her. She can tell by his movements, his gestures, that he really is caught up in her. That if he was capable of it, he'd be crying right now. Despite herself, she can't help feeling pity for him. He loves her and could never have her, never touch her. The curse, as Buffy told her, made him lose his soul, his 'humanity', at the moment of perfect happiness. And Buffy gave him that. Faith realizes, that in comparison to him, she's been extraordinarily lucky. She had Buffy. Buffy loved her, they shared their love, and it was beautiful. It didn't come with any tragic consequences. Except she's … dead now. Faith closes her eyes, trying to hold back the pain. At least we knew we could share our love, not having the dark cloud over it that Buffy and Angel had.
She looks at Angel in a different light. He's a poor tragic soul trapped. He can never love, not without hurting or killing the ones he loves. He can never know true happiness. How sad is that? She wouldn't wish that on anyone. Even Angel.
As she sits watching him grieve, she wonders if the pain is as fresh and raw in Angel as it is in her? He'll live forever, she muses, and will he mourn her forever? How long will he mourn her?
"That's a good question, Faith" A very familiar voice comes from behind her, " I just wanna know, though. How long you gonna mourn me?"
Faith feels the hairs on the back of her neck rise, and she turns slowly. She sees a familiar blonde woman standing behind her. She's smiling at her gently, and her arms are crossed over her chest.
"Uhhh… uhhh…" is all that Faith can choke out. She feels dizzy, and frightened.
" Gee, Dimples, is that all ya gotta say to me?" Buffy says, gently chiding her.
" Uhhh…." Faith feels her head go light, the night go blacker, and for the first time in her life, she faints.
Buffy, helpless to catch her, helpless to even touch her, just watches. She sighs, and walks over to the now prone Faith. With a mixture of consternation and amusement on her face, she kneels by the unconscious Faith. She waits patiently for Faith to recover.
Faith slowly swims back to consciousness. She remembers she was watching Angel, but after that it's a little foggy. She heard someone say something to her…and then boom, she's out. What the hell happened? She opens her eyes, and sees Buffy smiling down on her.
AWWWW SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
Faith quickly scrambles to her feet. She backs away from the apparition. Her face is pale, nearly blanched. Her eyes are wide, and her heart is threatening to punch a hole in her chest.
"Wha… who… how? This isn't real!" Faith declares. " This is … god, I don't know what the fuck this is, but …. I'm going nuts" She's all over the map," You're dead!!! You're not real!!!" Faith yells at Buffy.
"I'm real , Faith" Buffy says quietly, " Ok, not really real. I mean, I can't touch you, or visa versa, but I'm real. I think. Hell, I don't know. I'm not the ghost expert. But it's me".
" Shit, shit, shit! I've gone nuts" Faith curses, " I knew someday you were gonna drive me nuts. I knew it! Shit, what'm I saying, anyway? You're not real! You're not even there! God, I'm loony toons!" Faith looks around desperately for something to hold onto , something that makes sense to her until this madness goes away.
"Faith" Buffy says patiently, approaching the dark slayer. Faith backs up, not even wanting whatever that is to get any closer to her.
" Go away… GO AWAY!!!" Faith yells, " You…you're not real… or you're some kinda demon. Get the fuck away from me!"
"Faith DeMarco, goddammit knock it off" Buffy loses her patience. " Come here…. " She stamps her foot(?) impatiently, "Get that cute ass of yours over here NOW!" Buffy puts on her don't give me no crap look.
Faith, visibly upset, clearly scared half out of her mind, moves a little closer… and stops. She just can't deal with this.
" Here!" Buffy says, firmly. " Come here!" She points to a spot in front of herself.
Faith moves a little closer, but she can't seem to move close enough. Buffy, impatiently, forgetting herself and what she is, moves to Faith and tries to grab her arm to drag her closer. Her hand passes through Faith, and Faith feels a deep chill. She's blanches, and sits down hard on the ground.
"Well, I guess this'll just have to do" Buffy says, rolling her eyes. She sits next to Faith. " Look at me , Faith."
Faith doesn't look. She's afraid to look. She's afraid she's gone around the bend, bought that one way ticket to the rubber room, and this is her guide to looneyland. She looks at the ground instead.
"Faith, please, look at me" Buffy says. Something in the tone in ' Buffy's' voice causes Faith to look up, and she sees the soft expression and compassion in Buffy's eyes. Somehow, though Faith knows she's still a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, she relaxes a little.
"Why?" Faith finally asks, deciding to play into the insanity. Her voice is low, thick with emotion and need.
"Why?" Buffy repeats, not understanding what Faith is asking.
" Why'd you leave me, B? Why?" Faith asks, her heart starting to hurt again, the tears threatening to roll.
"Ah , Faith, " Buffy sighs, the sigh heavy with emotion and regret, " the last thing in the world I wanted to do was leave you, honey. I'd finally figured it out, what you'd been trying to get through my thick skull all those years. Didn't Dawn tell you that?" Buffy asks, concerned.
"Y-Yes, she told me" Faith said, sadly, " but that didn't help. It just made it worse!" Faith says, letting a little of the anger she's felt out, too.
" I'm so sorry, Faith" Buffy says, her face reflecting her anguish, " I did what I had to do. I couldn't let Dawn jump. It wasn't her time. She has to live, honey. To grow up. She has something important to do, something she'll give to the world. I didn't know that then, I only knew she had to live, to carry on for me. The only thing I regret, baby, is that I had to leave you to do it. The hardest thing in the world for me was to jump off that tower. But it was my destiny, Faith. I had to do that. I know that now".
"It hurts, B. It hurts sooo bad!!!" Faith keens, her heart a raw wound." Every day I look for you, and you're not there. I forget sometimes, expecting to see you, and … then it hits me again, and it's all bad again, totally bad again. It's … it's like someone's inside me, twisting my heart. I can't take it, B. I just can't take it anymore!" Faith puts her face in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably now.
Buffy reaches out to comfort Faith, and stops herself. She looks up at the sky, her face a mask of rage
' How can you do this?' she cries at the Powers that Be, ' how can you bring me back here, and not let me touch her?'. Buffy struggles with herself, bringing herself back under control. She looks over at Faith, wishing with all her heart she could just take her in her arms and hold her until the tears stop. She waits until Faith pulls herself together.
"Faith, baby?" Buffy says quietly, " I don't have much time. You've gotta listen to me".
"You're leaving, again?" Faith says, her voice dull. " Why'd you even come? So you could hurt me some more?" Faith turns away from her.
" Baby" Buffy says, her tone pleading, " They didn't want me to come. They wanted to send someone else. But I begged to come. I had to see you again. I've missed you so much. I wanted to talk to you one more time. I can watch, but I can't talk to you, and it hurts me to watch you. God, I'm doing this so crappy… again"
Faith smiles a tiny rueful smile to herself. So typically Buffy. " Yeah, well… you never were exactly Tony Robbins, were ya?"
" Guess not" Buffy grins apologetically. But she warms to seeing even this tiny spark of Faith show through. She continues, " But I gotta try to be, anyway. Honey, you can't keep doing this".
"Doing what?" Faith asks, evasively.
" You have to stop killing yourself, Faith" Buffy says, firmly. Faith starts to protest, but Buffy cuts her off. " Faith, I'm watching you. Did you really think I could just stop being part of you? Even if I'm dead? I see you, late at night, drinking yourself to sleep. You're not eating, you're not sleeping, not really. You're walking around in a fog, not seeing what's around you. This is so not you. "
"What the hell do you expect, Buffy?" Faith says, getting angry, " you left me, and ripped out my heart and took it with you! I'm walking around in a fog? Well, excuse me for hurting! Excuse me for hating you for leaving me! Excuse me for wanting you back so badly I can't see straight. Every fucking day is a torture, living without you. Don't you get it? Don't you understand, even now? I love you with every bit of me. I always have, B! I've always loved you with everything I had to give. More than I had to give. Now you come here, and tell me to stop it. Well, I can't B. I just can't. I can't turn it on and off like a fucking goddamn water faucet. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?" Faith screams at the apparition.
Buffy bites her lip to keep it from trembling. She wishes she could bite her heart, to keep it from hurting.
" I expect you to live, Faith, " Buffy says, trying to keep herself calm. " If there were someway I could change things, make it so no one had to die… I would. But I had no choice, Faith. I did what I had to do. I hate it. I hate not being with you. I hate it more than I can ever say."
" But it's not about me and you, now, Faith. It's Dawn" Buffy says." Dawn needs you. She needs YOU, more than she needs anyone else. She needs you even more than she needed me" Buffy says, regretfully. " She's struggling right now, Faith. She's at a point in her life where a choice is to be made. An important choice. Right now she's in trouble" Buffy looks at Faith, gauging her reaction.
"Trouble? Dawn?" Faith asks, " What kind of trouble?"
"I can't tell you that, Faith," Buffy says, " you have to find out on your own. I wasn't even supposed to tell you that much" She looks up, hoping the PtB aren't too angry. "Thing is, Faith, you've been so consumed by your grief, you can't see it".
Faith looks at Buffy, her expression blank. She's keeping what she's feeling bottled inside.
" You've gotta stop dying Faith, and start to live. I know it's hard" Buffy says, " I told Dawn the same thing. The hardest thing about this world is living in it. But you gotta do it, Faith. For me, for Dawn… and for yourself."
" And, if I don't want to? What?" Faith asks, quietly.
"Then…it's over" Buffy says, simply." Dawn is going to do something wonderful for the world. That's her destiny. It's still a long way off, it'll be many years before she does it. But, if you're not there for her now, if you … withdraw from life, or…worse… then, it'll never happen. She'll never fulfill her destiny." Buffy raises her hand to forestall Faith's obvious question. " I don't know what it is . The Powers that Be don't make me privy to their plans. But Dawn is special… more special than you or I know. All I do know is that if she doesn't do what she's supposed to do, the world will be infinitely darker for it. "
"What about Red?" Faith asks, "What about Tara? They're able to raise Dawn. Why do I need to be here?"
"All of you are important, Faith" Buffy says, " but you most of all. You more than anyone shapes Dawn into what she's to become. Without you… " She trails off.
" What if I just don't care?" Faith asks, bitterly.
Buffy looks at Faith, a small smile playing on her lips. " Liar" She says, quietly.
"WHAT??" Faith asks, offended and hurt.
" You care, Faith" Buffy says firmly, "Don't even pretend you don't. You love Dawnie like a sister. You think I don't hear you? You think I don't see how you treat her? She was so jazzed this morning about the jacket. And the ride. Boy, I miss riding with you on that bike." Buffy shakes it off, " Oh, and she's sorry , really sorry, about this morning. So, don't be too upset with her, ok?"
" I'm not, really. Just a little hurt. I'll get over it" Faith smiles for the first time. Her smile fades. "How'm I gonna do it, B? How'm I gonna go on without you?". Her face falls into a sad expression again.
" It'll get better, baby. I promise" Buffy says, " And it's not forever. Someday, when it's your time…REALLY your time… we'll be together again. " Buffy says quietly. God, she hates how long she's gonna have to wait. Faith is supposed to live a rich, full, and long life. Yikes!
"I'll try, B." Faith promises, " I'll really try. But it's so hard." Her voice cracks again. She slumps, the pain overwhelming her.
Buffy looks up again. She pleads… please, just this once. Can't we bend the rule a little, just this once?
Faith feels the tears threatening again when she feels a small touch on her shoulder. She turns, and Buffy is sitting next to her. She looks… fuller, more real somehow. She sees that it's Buffy that's touched her. Her face is reflects her confusion.
" I've only got a minute left" Buffy whispers. She leans in, and gently kisses Faith. Faith feels the soft, warm lips she's so familiar with touching hers, and her heart starts to beat again. Buffy breaks the kiss, and Faith can see the tears rolling down her cheeks. She instinctively reaches to brush them away, and she almost faints again when she can.
"Buffeee?" Faith says, her voice questioning.
"I have to go, Faith," Buffy says, her image starting to fade. " I love you" She says, fading away.
" I … I love you" Faith calls out, but Buffy is gone. " I… love you" She says quietly.
Faith sits there, not moving for the longest time. She thinks about what's been said, and tries to believe that it really happened. She wants to believe that she was talking to Buffy, but her cynical nature just refuses to buy into it. She's almost convinced herself that it was just a mental break, that it was all an illusion, when she feels something in her hand. She opens it, and laying across her palm is the little gold necklace she gave Buffy on her 18th birthday. The one with the entwined hearts. She stares at it. It can't be. They buried it with her… but … she turns it over, and reads the inscription:
"My heart is yours forever, Faith".
It's hers…not mine…hers! But… but that's impossible…it's….
Faith believes. She knows it happened. She gets up from where she's sitting. Looking at her casually, you couldn't tell anything had changed. But her eyes had a new fire, a new desire. Her heart felt lighter than it has in months. She was still grieving: life without Buffy was hell. But she finally was convinced that she could live it, hell or not.
She walked out of the cemetery, towards home.
Little did she or Buffy know, that the Powers that Be had something up their sleeve for them yet. They just so loved their little jokes.
To be continued.