By Norwalker
Part 6 of ?
Rating : R for language, sexual situations and violence.
Category: Romance/Angst/Drama
Disclaimer: Most, if not all of the characters depicted here are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Inc. and Fox. This is a work of fiction; any similarities to anyone living or dead are purely coincidental.
Summary: Third in a series of stories started with " Summer of faith" and continued in "Seasons of faith". In the last book, Buffy died fighting Glorificus, the Hell goddess. This book picks up where that book ended. How does Faith deal with the loss of Buffy? How does life change for the scoobies? Buffy will be with them always, but is there more to it than just memories? Stay tuned.
Spoilers: Possible season 6 and season 7 spoilers. Hope you've watched them by now.
Timeline: Season 6, maybe season 7 and beyond( don't know yet).
WARNING: There is always the possibility of major character death. Romance between members of the same gender(duh). Sexual situations between members of the same gender. This is an Alternate Universe (AU) story. The real(by the series 'coda' ) relationship between Buffy and Faith never happened here. So if you're looking for the dark, knife wielding, don't give a crap about nothing but me Faith, She's not here.(ok, bit of an exaggeration, as we all know by now that Faith redeemed herself, but the "dark, evil" Faith never got a chance to live here). Violence happens. Adult themes( someday, I plan on being one, too). Sexual situations. All the usual stuff.
"What do you mean, she doesn't remember anything?" Willow asks. She's looking at Buffy, cowering in the corner.
" Nothing, Red. As in, she doesn't know her name, your name, my name…that she has a sister, a house, a life. I found her wandering around Restfield, being attacked by a bunch of vampires. She's still struggling with the concept of vampire… she doesn't believe in them, either. She tried to stop me from killing one of them, calling it murder. Nearly got me killed " Faith looks at Willow with askance, " Getting the picture?"
"That's not possible" Willow says, defensively, " I was so careful… I checked and rechecked everything. Nothing could've gone wrong. "
" Well, something went wacky. This isn't the Buffy we know" Faith says, walking over to the shaking girl. She gently takes her hand, and Buffy winces. She looks and sees the wounds.
" God, you're hands. " Faith says," What happened…" then it hits her, " I can tell you one thing you forgot, Red." Faith says, her tone derisive.
" What?" Willow asks. She's feeling cornered, and her anger is rising.
" Where Buffy was when you cast this spell. In a coffin, buried 6 feet deep. She had to claw her way out" She shows Willow Buffy's hands, which are badly cut and bleeding, " I'm going to take her upstairs and bandage her hands".
Willow looks at Faith, her expression guilty and defiant at the same time. She starts to follow Faith up the stairs until Faith, exasperated, holds out a hand, stopping her.
"Right now she's got enough to deal with, don't you think, Red? I don't need help bandaging her hands. Stay here. This isn't done yet" Faith says, turning away and starting upstairs, leading the confused Buffy with her.
" This isn't my fault!" She calls after the departing Faith. She walks back downstairs, and goes to the kitchen, getting herself a glass of water. She takes it with her to the dining room, where she sits, sipping it, trying to calm down.
" it's not my fault" She says, in a lower tone, I did it all right, Willow ponders, It would've been right, except for those vampires attacking. One of them smashed the urn. Maybe that's what went wrong. Maybe… it didn't have time to complete… it brought her back before all of her essence could be combined. Some of her core must've been lost. But… damn… how was I supposed to know there'd be a vampire attack? I suppose that was my fault? The ritual was specific, it had to be at the gravesite, at midnight. How could I avoid it? Maybe I shoulda brought Faith in. She could've stood guard, keeping the bad away. NO! That's stupid. She woulda just objected, and made a scene about it. Just like she did after she found out what we were doing. She would've nixed the whole idea.
Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't have done it. It certainly didn't turn out the way I wanted it to turn out. Maybe I shoulda just let it alone. But I couldn't. I had to do something. Things just weren't right. Look at Dawn. Stealing. That wouldn't happen if Buffy had been here. She was miserable, acting out. Faith was miserable, too. I couldn't leave it like that. We all missed her, needed her. And I… we were sure she was in some hell dimension, suffering torture. I couldn't leave it like that. I had to fix it. I had to save her. I had to bring her back. I did bring her back. Just…there are problems… But I can fix this, I know I can. I… I'll research it, find some way to restore her memories. I … there's gotta be a way…I know it. I can do this. I can make it right! Faith's wrong, I did the right thing, I know it. I just gotta find the way to bring back her memory. I'll do that. Then Faith can't bitch at me about it.
I'll fix this, I swear.
Willow sits, sipping her water, already trying to figure ways to restore Buffy's memory.
Faith leads Buffy into the bathroom, seating her on the edge of the tub.
" Let me see your hands" Faith says, gently.
Buffy shies away, the memory of clawing through the casket and earth still fresh. She's still freaking about that; freaking about everything. They were talking about her down there. Bringing her back from the dead? This night, everything and everyone in it is too weird. She's starting to panic, her breathing shallow and fast. She needs to get away… somewhere where she can figure it all out. These people say they're my friends, but I don't know them. They could be lying, but why? I can't think… can't remember. If I could only remember something…anything! She starts to moan softly, her panic and frustration reaching a high. She starts to edge away , hitting her head with her hands trying to make herself remember. But it's all too much. She feels trapped, cornered. Faith tries to approach her, but she bats her away, covering herself trying to hide. She needs to hide.
" Buffy… it's ok" Faith says, soothingly. She approaches Buffy slowly, trying not to panic her further, " I just want to help you. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to bandage your hands".
Buffy looks at Faith warily. She's trying to read her face. She sees concern, and worry… but nothing bad. She calms a little bit, and holds out her hands. They are cut, and bleeding. She decides to trust Faith… for now, anyway.
Faith, seeing a change, moves back. Buffy goes and sits on the edge of the tub. Her eyes are glued on Faith, watching every move she makes. Faith fills the sink with warm water, and gets a washcloth and soap. She moves to Buffy, and begins to gently wash the wounds… Buffy wincing at times, withdrawing her hands…then putting them out again. Faith takes it slowly and patiently, waiting for Buffy to accept the care being given. Faith, all the while she is tenderly taking care of Buffy, keeping her exterior calm, is seething inside. This is just way beyond wrong, Faith fumes. She's helpless. She's like a child. She doesn't know who or what to trust, she's afraid of me. God, she's been lots of things, but never afraid of me! She doesn't know me, not even a tiny bit. It… it's like we've never been together! Strangers, we're nothing but strangers.
After she finishes, she looks at Buffy. She's bedraggled and covered in grime. Faith decides it might be best for her to shower, then put on the bandages.
" Buffy, I'm going to get you some towels and a change of clothing. I think maybe you could use a shower?" Faith says, looking at the docile woman.
Buffy, feeling grimy and sweaty, nods. She can still smell the stink of the grave on her, and wants desperately to wash it off. Faith smiles tightly, and gets up to get the towels and clothing. Buffy reaches out and stops her.
" Thanks" Buffy says, smiling shyly. Faith gets up and leaves the bathroom.
As she's getting the towels, her insides are churning. She feels like vomiting. This is worse. 100 times worse. God, I never thought I'd think this, but I wish she weren't here… I wish she were still dead. Shit… that' s bogus. I want her alive… but not like this. NOT LIKE THIS!!! It's … she's… this isn't Buffy. it's her body, but not her. Faith takes the towels out of the closet, and has to count to 10 not to slam the door. She walks to the bedroom to get some clothes for Buffy. It's a cruel fucking joke. Her body is here, but she's somewhere else. I can't touch her without her wondering if I'm going to hurt her. I look in her eyes, but their blank… at least where I'm concerned. This …sucks. How'm I supposed to be with her, and not love her? How … god, she… it's never going to be the same. She's… new. It'll be … torture to be with her, see her, and not love her. Oh, god, I can't even think that way. I love her… but… is that her? I hate this!!!! She doesn't love me, she can't love me… I'm a blank to her. Goddamn you Red, if you wanted to hurt me, you did. Big time. Big fucking time!!!!
Faith, wrapped up in her thoughts, enters the bathroom without thinking. Buffy is just finishing her shower, stepping out. She squeals in surprise, and Faith, red faced, backs out.
" Sorry, sorry…god, … ummm… just reach out through the door, and I'll hand you the stuff" She calls through the door, feeling embarrassed. God, it's not like I've never seen her naked before. SHE doesn't know that. This is embarrassing and incredibly painful and stupid! I gotta have "letch" written on my forehead. The door opens, and Buffy sticks her hand out. Faith gives her the towels and clothing and the hand disappears back inside the bathroom. Faith sighs, cooling her heels in the hall. She can feel the anger building in her, and she takes deep breaths to tamp it down. It's not her fault… she doesn't remember the last 3 years. How am I gonna do this? Faith leans her head against the wall. How am I gonna pretend that the last three years never existed? Everything I've done in those years is tied up with B. This is bogus. I shoulda left when she died. Hopped on my bike, and got my ass outta here. But I couldn't. There was the P-nut. What was I supposed to do? B asked me to take care of her. And… leaving Buffy behind? How could I do that? But now I gotta. I'm supposed to pretend I guess, that we never existed. How do I do that?
" Faith?" Buffy opens the door and sticks her head out, " I'm decent" Faith looks at her, cleaned up, fresh faced, and thinks No babe, your gorgeous… None of that, Faith. That's so over. She sighs, and walks in.
"Faith, you really don't have to do this" Buffy says, quietly, " I can bandage myself".
" I want to" Faith replies, " It's no big, B … er … Buffy"
" Why do you call me Bea? I don't understand that. " Buffy asks.
" Not 'Bea' as in Beatrice, B…the initial of your first name. Kinda a nickname I gave you, I guess. Bad habit of mine. Do it with everyone. Sorry, I'll try to remember…" Faith says, as she gets the med kit.
"It's ok… kinda… cute, I dunno…but you can call me B, if you want" Buffy says. Faith pauses for a second, turned away from Buffy. She can't believe how that little thing is affecting her. She furtively wipes a tear, and turns to Buffy.
" Ok, B, let me have your hands" Faith says, kneeling before Buffy, who's sitting on the edge of the tub. Buffy holds out her hands, and Faith notes the wounds are already closed, starting to heal. Slayer healing is still intact. She puts some antiseptic on the wounds, which elicits a small cry from Buffy. Faith carefully applies the bandages, and then wraps them in tape.
"Well, you're done. See, not so bad" Faith smiles at Buffy. She puts the med kit away, and turns back to Buffy.
" So… are you hungry? Thirsty?" Faith asks, solicitously. Buffy shakes her head, then yawns.
" A little tired" Buffy says. " Could sleep."
"Yeah, it's been a tough night for you. C'mon, I'll show you you're room" Faith says. She leads Buffy to the bedroom they once shared. She turns on the light. " Here we go… your room".
She looks around and smiles. " This is nice, " She says approvingly. She notes the bed is unmade, and the clothes over the chair by the vanity. Her brow scrunches up.
" Ummm… if I've… been gone… how come this room is …who's been living in this room?" She asks, curious.
Faith stares at the floor, trying to figure a way around this. She can't see one, so she tells the truth.
" We used to share the room, B" Faith says, distantly. " While you were … gone… I used it."
"We shared the room? But there's only one bed…how…" Buffy says, looking puzzled. She looks at Faith, who's blushing a little, and turned away. It slowly dawns on her. " you mean… you and… I…we …?" Buffy asks, her voice almost a whisper.
"Not important, B. I'll get my stuff out tomorrow. I can make something for myself downstairs, or something" Faith says, not wanting to look at Buffy. Buffy, however , is staring intently at her.
"It's very important, Faith. It's part of my past. I want to know" Buffy says, firmly.
"Sorry, B. I can't deal with it right now. Maybe later, not now" Faith says, her voice low." It's past tense. Let it go at that".
Buffy senses a wall between them. She decides not to push it. She changes the subject.
Faith?" Buffy asks, " What were you and that other girl…what was her name again?… what did you mean… "You're spell worked" … were you talking about me?"
"Yes," Faith says, hesitantly. She's at a loss how to explain this to Buffy. She doesn't believe in vampires. How'm I gonna convince her Red is a witch, and cast a spell to bring her back? She decides to just lay it out for her, " Buffy, I've got to tell you some things that are going to hard for you to understand. Or believe. But it's the truth, so please try to believe, ok?"
" Alright, " Buffy, puzzled, says. " I'll try"
Faith sighs. " About 4 months ago, you died" Faith says, calmly, " You saved all of us from something really bad" She decided trying to explain Glory and Dawn and all of that was not going to fly right now, if ever." It was… terrible, Buffy. We all missed you terribly" Faith says. She wonders if maybe Willow hadn't missed Buffy a little TOO much." Frankly it's been bad here, Buffy, without you" Faith says, truthfully enough." I know you have trouble accepting supernatural stuff, but … Willow is a witch, Buffy. She's a powerful witch. She… well, she cast a spell to resurrect you from death". She tries to read Buffy's reaction, but Buffy's face is just blank… she can't tell if she's believing this or not. She continues, " I… I found out earlier tonight what she was doing. When you didn't come back, we thought she'd failed. We left, not knowing you'd been … brought back. That's why no one was there when you… dug your way out." Faith stops. She didn't realize how hard it was going to be telling this. Thinking of Buffy digging her way out of her grave, and being all alone, not know what was going on, made her sick." I was out patrolling when I came across you…with those vamps." Faith stops.
"Patrolling? Are you a security guard, or something? I … you're not wearing a uniform" Buffy says, confused.
" Umm… no, not exactly" Faith says. How does she explain a slayer? God, this is murder!
" I was really dead?" Buffy asks. Trying to accept something that just didn't make sense.
" Yeah… you were" Faith says. She looks at Buffy to see if it's too much for her to understand.
" Dead" Buffy says, quietly, " But I'm alive now? I'm not … well, like a zombie or nothing… like in the movies?"
" No… no… you're alive, Buffy" Faith says.
" Why can't I remember anything?" Buffy says, plaintively, " It's just a huge blank. Why?".
" I… we don't know, Buffy" Faith says. She knows, she so knows, " something must've gone wrong."
"Went wrong?" Buffy says, her voice sounding funny, " Yeah, I guess something went wrong. I don't remember anything. That's really wrong." She feels her face flushing, and is feeling angry, " Why… why'd you do this… spell, if this could go wrong? It's … god, what were you thinking? Do you think I like this? Not knowing my name or anything else! It's hell, not knowing. Did anyone think about that? Did anyone think?"
" Buffy… no one knew it would turn out like this…" Faith says, defensively. God, what am I so defensive about? I didn't do this! I didn't WANT this!
" I wish you'd left me dead! At least, it wouldn't be like this." Buffy says, her voice beginning to rise. " Get out now, please. Just leave me alone… get OUT!"
Faith, stung, backs away. She turns, and leaves the room. She stands in the hallway, feeling like her body is made of stone. She can't move. She's barely breathing . She hates me. She despises me. The Buffy I knew, she's gone. Her body's here, but … she's gone. She's not coming back. Ever. Faith feels like acid has been poured down her throat; everything inside her hurts. She wants to cry, she wants to break something, hurt something like she's hurting. Grief, pain and anger churn through her, anger coming out as the winner. This is your fault, Red. She… was happy. You brought her back, and she's damaged. You're not getting away with this, Red. Don't even think it.
Faith, her temper boiling, walks downstairs to confront Willow.
Faith finds Willow in the living room, sitting on the couch. She's intently studying a book. A volume on magic.
" Faith, I think I can fix this. I just need to find…." Willow says, but Faith interrupts her. She comes over, grabs the book out of Willow's hands, and flings it across the room, hitting a vase, smashing it to pieces. Willow stares at Faith, horrified.
"What… why'd you do that?" Willow asks, feeling fear in the pit of her stomach.
"No more goddamn magic, Red" Faith says, hissing, " Haven't you done enough?" She turns away, because if she looks at Willow, she's going to hurt her… bad.
"What is wrong with you? Why're you so mad?" Willow demands.
Faith is floored. Even after seeing Buffy the way she is, Willow still doesn't get it.
" You even HAVE to ask that?" Faith retorts," You don't get it yet? You're supposed to be so smart, Red, figure it out. Why would I be mad? Hmmm?" Faith mocks her
" It's not my fault…" Willow says, before Faith cuts in.
" Not your fault. Whose fault IS it then, Red? Tara? It's her fault? Is that what you're telling me? Maybe it was Xander? Maybe he's the guilty one. Or Anya? Or maybe the whole bunch of you. Tell me, Red, who's idea was it? Who planned it? Who decided to play with forces she didn't understand? WHO, RED?" Faith is so angry, her face is splotched with red.
Willow, never seeing her this angry before, backs away.
"Faith , calm down" Willow exclaims. " I can fix this, I know it".
" Calm down. How'm I supposed to calm down, Red? You brought back Buffy's shell. That's not Buffy. That's…" She stops, so angry and frustrated, she can't verbalize. She breathes deeply and continues, " She doesn't know who she is. And guess what, Red. She blames ME. Right, I'm the bad guy… again! Why? Because I didn't stop you. I didn't know what little secrets you were hiding. I thought I could trust you. You sure had me fooled, didn't you Red?" Faith is livid, " You and your little plans to bring back Buffy. Why? Why did you bring her back? What reason?"
" Because you and Dawn were suffering" Willow says, her own temper starting to rise, " I saw you walking around her, constantly out of it. You think you've been such a big help around here?" Willow says, " think again, Faith. You've been so consumed with grief, so in your own world, if not for me and Tara, Dawn wouldn't even be noticed, half the time."
"That's crap, Red, and you know it" Faith snaps, " Dawn is everything to me. I'd never let her get hurt . You're just trying to throw the blame on me. That's not gonna work, Red!"
" Really?" Willow rejoins," How about the drinking, Faith?"
"What?" Faith responds, angrily, " What's that got to do with anything?"
" That's real nice for Dawn, don't you think? I hide the damned bottles I find, so she won't see them. But you think it's good for a young girl to see her … 'guardian' drunk?"
"Dammit. I make sure I don't drink until after she's asleep!" Faith spits out," Why kind of moron do you think I am?"
' A pretty damned big one, if you think she doesn't notice the hangovers" Willow says, " You wake up pale and sick, you're eyes bloodshot, and usually dull as a butter knife. Think she doesn't notice ?"
"Pretty lame, Red" Faith sneers, " So, I guess, out of the goodness of your 'pure' heart, you brought Buffy back, huh? Well, I'm not buying that one. It stinks, Red."
" Oh? So, why did I do it then, Faith? Why don't you tell me?" Willow spits out, ready to fight.
"You brought her back because YOU wanted her back. That's why. Any other reason you try to foist on it is bogus, Red!" Faith snaps, " You talk about me not paying attention? Who was it found out that Dawn was stealing? You? Tara? Don't think so. You were so wrapped up in your schemes and your magicks, that you didn't even get she was stealing stuff. I admit, I was slow at it, but I at least found it out , and took steps to fix it. If I left it to you, she'd still be shoplifting stuff. Don't give me that excuse, Red. Admit the truth. You wanted Buffy back, and you brought her back because of that. Your own selfish reasons!"
"Get over yourself, Faith. You think you know everything. Well, you're so wrong" Willow says, her hackles rising, " I brought her back for yours and Dawn's sake. I also thought she might be suffering torment in a hell dimension. I was wrong about that, but strangely, I didn't learn about that until last night! Secrets, Faith? What about that secret? Hmmm? Why didn't you share that with anyone? Talk about selfish!"
" You're so full of it, Red, you reek. You brought her back for my sake? For Dawn's sake? Gimme a break. You brought her back for your own sake. You don't give a rat's ass about me! You've never liked me, Red. Fess up. You just tolerated me. You couldn't deal with the fact that Buffy loved ME. That she chose me over you, every time. It galled you that she preferred some street kid to you. Why don't you just admit it, Red. You hate me, and you do anything to hurt me. Including bringing Buffy back wrong!" Faith glares at Willow.
" You… bitch!" Willow hisses, " How dare you? I've done nothing but try to be your friend, and this … this is … you're a damned liar ! Why don't you admit you were jealous of Buffy and my friendship. You didn't like that she confided in me, when she wouldn't with you. Wanna know why, Faith? " Willow is glaring at Faith, her green eyes flashing. Despite the fact that the slayer could wipe the floor with her, she'd so love to smash her in the face right now. Wipe that self righteous smirk off her face.
"Oh, please, Red" Faith says, her tone dripping with acid," Please enlighten me!" Like I'd believe anything you say, bitch.
" She didn't trust you, Faith. She never knew where she stood with you" Willow spits out, " She always was afraid how'd you handle something important. You were all over the map, way she saw it." Willow's face takes on a condescending sneer, "You were like a spoiled child, Faith. If things didn't go just you're way, you'd get all pissy and withdraw, never trying to work stuff out. She had a lot of crap going on, but did you care? I mean, did you care about how it affected her? Don't think so. You just cared how it affected you. You wanted the fun, but not the pain that goes along with it, Faith. So get off your high horse, cuz you're no paragon, girl. There were lots of things I know she shoulda shared with you. But she didn't. Cuz she was afraid you'd just up and leave her again. Hop on your bike and leave her in the dust!"
Faith feels like someone just cut through her guts with a hot knife. Willow hit a big nerve. Buffy had so many times shut her out, and Faith had made herself nearly sick trying to figure it. She remembers how she was ready to walk on Buffy because of it. Now she hears that Buffy never felt she could rely on her. That she was afraid if things got too tough, Faith would just book. It's like it was a lie… three years of a lies. B never loved me? How could she, if she never trusted me to be there through anything. This…this has gotta be a lie! It's a fucking lie! But Faith feels the knives ripping at her heart. Buffy… God, how could you feel that way? After all the hell we went through. It's just not so. It's just not SO!!! If you didn't trust me, why did you want me to look after Dawn? Faith feels a cold chill running through her, something she's not felt in a while. She despises Will for trying to make her doubt Buffy's love.
" And yet" Faith says, her tone cold and hard, dismissing Willow," When it came to the crunch, whom did Buffy choose to look after the one thing she valued more than her own life?" Faith says, her voice cold, hard and cutting. She looks at Willow like she's some kind of specimen under a microscope. " Good shot, Red. You nearly did it. You tried to make me believe that Buffy didn't trust me, or really love me. Well, it failed." Faith , her lip curved in a sneer, looks at the Red-haired Wiccan." You're pathetic. You're beyond pathetic. I've tried to be your friend, tried for Buffy's sake, to care about you all these years, and this is the crap you pull. This is what I think of you, Red" Faith hawks up saliva, and spits on Willow.
Willow loses it. She sees Red, and she sees the object of her torment standing in front of her, mocking her, spitting on her. She feels the dark power rush through her, and her eyes go black. She starts to mutter a spell.
" Paro is res in incendia"
"Set this thing on fire!"
A fireball starts to form in Willow's hand. Faith sees it, and her eyes go wide. She looks around for an escape. SHIT! I forgot. Don't piss off the witch! Desperate, she's about to rush at Willow, when both of them hear a voice from above
" STOP IT. BOTH OF YOU. NOW!"
Both look up to see a very angry Tara looking down at them. Faith feels … relief. Willow looks like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She meekly mutters the counter spell.
"Permissum is incendia exsisto exstinguo"
" Let this fire be put out"
The fireball fades, but the tension in the room remains strong. The Slayer and the Witch stand staring at each other, shooting daggers at each other with their eyes. Tara, frightened(what was with the fireball?), confused, angry and still fighting off sleep, descends the stairs and stands between the two of them.
"Alright, the both of you" She says, in a tone she's unaccustomed to using, " What in the name of the Goddess are you two fighting about? You're so loud, you're gonna wake Dawnie up!"
Faith looks at Willow with a smirk on her face. " Go ahead, Red. Tell her" Faith says, her tone cold as ice. " Tell her ALL about it!"
"Tell me what?" Tara says, bewildered. She looks at Willow for explanation
Willow, caught in the crosshairs, just stands there, face sullen. She looks down and mumbles " Nothing ".
"Aw, c'mon, Red. Fess up. You were so damned eager to 'fix' it. I'm sure you can tell Tara what you did" Faith says, her tone ironic.
"Faith? That's enough" Tara says firmly. Faith, chastened, turns away, flushing. Tara turns to Willow, " Ok, Willow, calmly" She reaches out, and takes Willow's hands in hers, " Calmly tell me what this is about".
Before Willow can say anything, from up at the top of the stairs, a voice floats down to interrupt them
" Me. They were fighting about me" Buffy says, staring down at the group.
Tara looks up, and can't believe her eyes. " Buffy?" She calls out, " Is that really you?"
" I don't know. I can't remember. That's what they call me… All I know is I hate this. I hate all of this. I just want to get the hell out of here" Buffy, angry and confused, rushes away, back to the bedroom Faith left her in. They hear the door slam.
Faith starts to go after her, and Red has the same idea. They're both stopped cold by Tara.
" NO. Stop!" She says firmly, asserting herself, " I think you've both screwed this up plenty tonight. I'll talk to her!" She sees that if she leaves, Willow and Faith will probably get into it again. She's got to separate them. I wonder who're the real adults around here, sometimes. Tara sighs to herself"Willow, go up to our room, and wait there!" Tara says. Willow hesitates, and Tara says, more firmly, " That WASN'T a request! Go!". Willow, throwing one last angry look at Faith, trudges up the stairs to her room. Tara turns to Faith, and says, " Ok, what's going on here? Did the spell work? What did Buffy mean?" Tara says, calmly but firmly.
Faith, as briefly as possible, explains the events of the evening. Tara's eyes go wide at a few parts, then she quietly digests what Faith's told her.
" I think you've both made a pretty hash of this" Tara decides, " We have one frightened, confused woman on our hands, who can't even remember her own name. Did either of you consider her feelings and needs?" Tara asks. Faith looks at her hands. " No, I guess not. Look, Faith, I'm not angry with you… ok, maybe I'm a little angry with you, and with Willow. I expected more from you. This kind of behavior I expect from Dawn, not you two" Tara says. She smiles a tiny smile, " Did you really spit on Willow?" She asks. Faith nods, blushing. Tara half grins, " It was the wrong thing to do, but after what she said, I can sorta understand it. Don't tell her I said that, though. I'll deny it." Faith looks up, hopeful. " Look, you stay down here, and I mean it. Stay here. I'll talk to Buffy. So far, I haven't made her feel too strange. I hope I can ease her a bit. But you two… stop acting like children, and start considering what's best for all. Got it?" Faith nods, embarrassed.
" Ok, I'll call you WHEN and IF I need you, ok?" Tara says, quietly.
" Ok " Faith says, feeling pretty stupid.
Tara gets up, and starts towards the stairs. She turns back, and addresses Faith.
" Don't worry. Willow's going to hear about it, too" Tara smiles briefly, turns and walks upstairs.
Faith sits down on the couch, wishing right now she were anywhere but here.
Tara approaches the door to Buffy and Faith's room. She looks in on Dawn, who fortunately (Goddess only knows how) is still asleep. She knocks quietly on Buffy's door.
Buffy opens the door a crack. She looks out, and sees the strange woman who was standing between Faith and … god, what's her name? Willow…yeah… that's it. She stands there, staring at her. She finally speaks.
"What do you want?" Buffy says, warily. She's tired of these 'friends' of hers. All she wants is to go."Buffy, can we talk?" Tara asks gently, " I know you're confused and upset. I just want to help, if I can".
Despite herself, Buffy feels a sense of … trust?… something good… about this woman. She opens the door wider.
" I don't know what there's to talk about. God, I don't know anything. I…" She trails off, feeling incredibly stupid on top of everything else. She sighs. " Come in, please" She invites Tara in.
The two women sit on the bed. For awhile, their silent, just sitting and thinking. Tara sits, rubbing her hands together, trying to think of what to say to Buffy. Buffy sits, picking at her shirtsleeve, not understanding any of this. She wants to understand; she wants to know. But she's afraid to know too. She has no idea what is going on, who she was, or what any of this means. All she knows right now is she's afraid and alone. So terribly alone; it's hell to be alone and not know who you are.
" Who are you?" Buffy asks finally.
"Tara " Tara replies, " I'm … a friend of Willows."
"Oh," Buffy replies, " do we know each other?"
" Oh, yes," Tara says emphatically, " We've known each other nearly 2 years. We're friends, too".
"Really?" Buffy says, looking over at Tara hopefully. Something about the woman's quiet confidence encourages trust in Buffy. " I'd… I'd like that".
Tara smiles briefly at Buffy. They sit again, quiet for a little while. Buffy turns back to her.
" Why?" She asks, " Why'd they … I still can't understand this, but… why'd they bring me back?".
"Actually, Buffy, it was Willow that brought you back. Faith didn't know anything about it, "Tara says.
" Oh, " Buffy says, " Alright, why did Willow bring me back, then?".
"It's complicated, Buffy" Tara says, a small pained expression crossing her face. " I don't have an easy answer for you".
" You're the first one that hasn't treated me like a 'tard" Buffy says, a slightly angry edge to her tone, " Please don't start now".
" I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't mean to make you feel like that" Tara says, " I just meant, I don't understand it all myself. I do know that Willow did have some good reasons for bringing you back. Your sister…." Tara is interrupted by Faith.
" My sister?" Buffy queries, " Faith said I had a sister. Kinda dumb, forgetting your sister".
" Would you like to see her?" Tara says
" Yeah I think I would" Buffy says.
They get up, and walk across the hall to Dawn's room. Dawn is still sleeping. They look in on the sleeping girl.
" She's kinda pretty, isn't she?" Buffy says, quietly. Tara smiles at her. She nods her head, indicating they should go back to Buffy's room.
Tara continues her tale, " Dawn…that's your sister, and Faith, missed you terribly. I think Willow wanted to ease their suffering. Also, she was afraid that wherever you were, you were suffering torment. We didn't know exactly where you were." Buffy looks very puzzled at this. Tara sees that this is going to require some background.
For the next couple of hours, Tara fills in Buffy's life as completely as she knows it. She is frequently interrupted by a less than believing Buffy, who just can't quite get her head wrapped around all that Tara is saying. Still, she finds she trusts her…certainly more than the other two women. Finally, at the end of it, she sits there with her mouth agape.
" So, I died fighting some hell god, trying to save my sister, and the world?… and Willow resurrected me? Using magic?" Buffy asks incredulously. Tara nods solemnly. Buffy sits back, trying to absorb everything Tara told her. This is totally nuts she thinks to herself nobody has a life like that. It sounds like a TV show. Or a movie, or something. Not like someone's life. They must be crazy. But…how did they bring me back, then? DID they bring me back then? What else fits? I just suddenly lost my memory and was buried for no good reason? She looks at Tara, and continues I don't think she'd lie to me. Not deliberately. And she seems sane enough… but then, she lives with these others. That doesn't exactly give her the bona fides, does it? God, this is just crazy. I mean, I'd like to believe I'm some kinda super chick with super powers that goes around fighting evil monsters and stuff. Kinda cool. But, it's just totally silly.
"Tara, I … I don't want to hurt your feelings. I think you've been straight with me… or, at least you think you have. But c'mon… think about it. It just sounds too … insane to be real" Buffy says, a little regretfully. She'd really like to believe it. But it's just too out there…
The memory of earlier this morning kicks in. Faith battling those creeps that tried to attack her. How…distorted their faces were… all crumpled like…and those teeth! Like … vampires! … and how that creep Faith was fighting turned to dust… and how she somehow broke that other creeps leg… just kicking it. Could it be? Aw, c'mon, now you're going nuts. NO such thing as vampires and ghoulies and monsters.
"Buffy?" Tara says, " Can I show you something?"
"Sure" Buffy shrugs. Why not?
Tara pulls a trunk from the end of the bed. Buffy, curious, comes over by her. Tara opens the lid, and it looks for all the world to be a typical hope trunk… they usual keepsakes, etc. stored inside. Tara pulls off the shelf, and underneath, there are … Crosses, stakes, holy water, and assorted weapons.
"Huh?" Buffy says, looking at Tara, " What's all this stuff?".
"Your supplies… yours and Faiths" Tara replies. Buffy looks at it, and …gets an uneasy feeling. Like it's familiar… and not. She reaches out, and picks up a knife. It feels…right. She turns it in her hand, and examines it. It… seems familiar. Suddenly she drops it, and backs away from the chest, her face fearful.
" Buffy?" Tara says, going to Buffy… but Buffy begins to back away from her, too. This is just too crazy… too insane. It can't be happening.
"No, no, no! You're lying to me, I know you are" Buffy says, quietly panicking, " This … isn't… real!" She says, backing into a corner.
" Buffy" Tara comes to her, not trapping her, but just getting closer to her. " You felt something. I know you did".
"It…felt familiar… I… felt like I'd used it, a lot… but that's just nuts!" Buffy says, her voice anxious, " This is all insane. I don't know why you're doing this… but … " Buffy looks around the room, feeling claustrophobic." Please… go away…now…".
Tara sees that Buffy is in overload mode. She walks to the door, and turns back, " Ok, Buffy. You need time to think. But, if you need to talk, or have questions, or need anything… I'm just down the hall. Ok?" Buffy nods, but isn't really paying attention. Tara looks at her, the sympathy written all over her face. She turns and leaves the room.
Buffy, feeling totally confused, wanders around the room. This is crazy. CRAZY. Run…RUN NOW! Her mind screams at her, but somehow she can't. Something in what Tara told her resonates with something deep inside her. She can't remember any of it, it's totally like a novel. But somehow, it rings true. The inmates have taken over the asylum. Run, girl, save yourself. Or you'll be as nutty as they are! But…what if it's not nuts? What if it's true? She wanders around the room, looking at things. Some seem familiar, some don't. She looks at the pictures on the mirror, on the dresser…all over the room. Here's one with her and that red-headed girl…Willow…and some guy. Here's one of her with her sister, Dawn. Sister, that's so… god, why can't I remember anything about her? Here's one with her and Faith… kissing? She smiles. We DO look happy. I wanna be happy. She wanders back to the trunk…looking down inside it. She picks up a… god, is this a sword? … She swings it around, playfully…and it just feels so…natural. A shiver goes through her… Slayer. You're the slayer. That's gotta be a fairy tale. Doesn't it? She puts the sword back into the trunk, and closes it back up. She sits on the bed, then lies back, frustrated. It's all too much to handle. God, what do I do now? Finally, exhaustion takes over, and Buffy falls asleep, still trying to puzzle it all out.
Faith is currently sitting on the couch, wringing her hands nervously.
For the last two hours she's been on tenterhooks. She's been up and down, pacing, sitting… a few times she even climbed the stairs, determined to go in and just talk to Buffy. She stopped herself, however, not wanting to mess things up further. She felt guilty, even though she hadn't had anything to do with Buffy's being resurrected. She'd let her anger get the better of her, rather than take care of Buffy and her needs. She should've tried harder with Buffy, but she'd been so angry with Red, she couldn't wait to come down and ream her out.
Still pissed at Red, though. No, not pissed…angry. Those things she said to me… I'm so tired of this. I've tried for 3 years to be what 'they' wanted. I've worked my ass off making myself over into a 'better' person. Gee, and what do I get? Heartache, pain and a whole lotta crap. Well, excuse me for not being born in one of your little suburban houses, with the 2 parents and the two cars in the garage. Excuse me for being a street kid who's had to fight just to live til tomorrow. Excuse me for making something more of myself. Excuse me for daring to love your 'friend', Red. Believe me, wasn't my choice to fall for her. But I did, and I'm damned tired of having to defend it all the fucking time. Especially to you!!!! Get OVER it, Red. Like it or not, she loved me back…much as she could. Looking down your nose at me? Please give me a break. You're not such hot stuff, kiddo. You got no right to make me feel like you did, tonight. You got no right to think you're better than me, because girlfriend, you want to add it up at the end of the month, I'm the one supporting this household…by far. I'm not going to some college and working part time to 'contribute'. I'm makin' sure there's food on the table, lights on when you hit the switch, and all the other collected little things that make life go. If it weren't for me, girl, you'd be askin' mummy 'n daddykins to be helpin' out, trust me!
And remember, little witch, it wasn't me that screwed up that spell. You fucked it up, so if I get over the top mad, you better not threaten me again, girl. Or I'll….
At this point, she hears a noise, and looking up, sees Tara coming down the stairs. Swallowing her rising temper, she goes over to her.
" Is she ok, Tara? Is she …feeling better?" Faith asks, concerned.
" Let's sit down, Faith. We need to talk a little" Tara says, heading for a chair. She's frankly tired. She's not used to keeping a conversation going for 2 hours, never mind it's late and her sleeps been interrupted. And she's worried about Buffy, Faith and Willow. And Dawn.
" I've calmed her down, but she's still very freaked out over this, Faith" Tara says, " She still can't bring herself to believe half of what I told her, though it's the truth. She's scared. She doesn't understand what's going on…you can't blame her"
"No, of course not. It's gotta be so… weird for her. Hell, if it happened to me, I'd probably running away 'bout now" Faith says. She adds, muttering to herself…almost inaudibly, " Like anyone would care".
Tara looks at her, surprised. " I'd care, Faith" She says, quietly. Faith blushes. She didn't really mean for her to hear that.
" Yeah, but I'd betcha Red would be dancin' if I happened to disappear" Faith says, a little bitterly.
"Faith, " Tara sighs, " Willow doesn't hate you. She just doesn't get you, is all ".
" Yeah, well… I don't get her, either. She acts like she's better than me. Like I'm some kinda sponge, not pulling my weight. But I'm the one makin' sure things go around here, working full time and patrolling every night. Think that's a breeze? I try to cut her slack, why can't she do the same, huh?" Faith asks, " What do I do to deserve getting made to feel like some kinda pond scum?"
"Faith" Tara says, " Unfortunately, you both are so alike, it's …eerie. You both are protective of those you care about, you'd go to the wall for them, and you both got big hearts. Just for some reason, you rub each other the wrong way, and you can't get along. Problem is, you gotta find a way. Both of you. The sniping at each other's gotta stop. We got both Dawn and Buffy to worry about now. You got to try to settle this".
"I'll try" Faith says, reluctantly, " But I'm done putting up with the crap, Tara. I've done my best to get along here, she's gotta put out a better effort. I'm really tired of feeling like I gotta apologize for who I am all the time. I'm not exactly slackin' around here, and I don't like being made to feel like I am." Faith pauses, working to keep her temper from rising." And I really don't like takin' the blame for something I didn't do. She screwed this up, Tara. She never shoulda done it in the first place, and I so don't like her makin' me feel like it's my fault. "
"She's going to hear about it, Faith" Tara says," Trust me on that. Maybe not tonight, because frankly I'm exhausted. But I'll make sure she understands that she's gotta do better too. A lot better."
" I'm sorry, Tara" Faith says, contrite, " I should let you get to bed".
" No, we've got a little more to discuss about Buffy, Faith" Tara says, " Best to do it now, while we have a little time. Faith, I know in the past you've been patient with Buffy, but you're gonna have to be even more patient now. She simply isn't the same person anymore. If we're gonna even recover a little of who she was, we have to be extremely patient with her, especially now. I think she's still at her core, the same person, more or less. But she's different now. All her relationships with all of us are not the same. She's gotta test it out, see what's what." Tara stops, because the next part is the hardest, " Faith… you're going to have to prepare for the possibility that your and her relationship is never going to be the same".
Faith closes her eyes, and bows her head. " I know that, Tara. I kinda got that when I realized she didn't know who the hell she was, or I was, or anything. " Faith's voice grows cold, " One thing, though. I can't forgive Red for this one. She took Buffy away from me. I didn't have much, but I had my memories of her. Now those are shot, too, because she's alive. And she'll probably never love me again. And that's Red's fault, pure and simple. I won't… I can't forgive her that!". Faith looks up, her face set. Tara bites her lip. She's never seen Faith this …. unbendable before. It worries her.
"Faith, please, don't rush…" Tara starts, but Faith cuts her off.
" No, don't Tara. Don't try to defend her on this one" Faith says, " I'll do my best to get along, but frankly, if I never saw her again, it'd be too soon". She turns away, heading for the couch.
" Faith, please" Tara says, following her. Faith turns around.
"Tara, Goodnight. This isn't open to discussion now… or ever" Faith sits on the couch. " I'm tired, you're tired. Lets just leave it alone, ok?" Faith says, cutting off all further discussion.
" Goodnight, Faith" Tara says, knowing Faith isn't going to listen to anything she says on the subject. She turns for the stairs.
She suddenly feels a whole lot more tired.
To be continued.