Hogwarts Express, a harry potter fanfic

This is a bit different than the book. But I tried to keep the changes minor. The song is "Wolf Creek Pass" by C.W. McCall. (If ANYONE ELSE has ever listened to my home-boy "See-Dubya" I'd like to know. I feel like the only 17 year old in the world who loves a song about a broken truck...) Anyway, this is set during Ron and Harry's trip to school, second year
(Original Song Lyrics)

Me an Earl was haulin' chickens
ona Flat bed outta' Wiggins
Me and Ron were trying to get to Hogwarts
In his dad's magical Ford Anglia, cause the gate just wouldn't let us through
And we 'as spent all night
on the uphill side
of 37 miles o' hell
called Wolf Creek Pass... Which is up on the Great Divide.
And we'd spend most of the morning
Flying above Northern England
Trying to track that train
Called the Hogwarts Express...It moves real fast.
We was sittin' there suckin' toothpicks
Drinkin' Knee- highs an' onion soup mix,
An' I says Earl, let's mail a card to mother
and send them chickens on down the other side,
Yeah let's giv'em a ride.
We were found some sticky toffee
In the glove compartment
And I says "Ron, I hope your mum never finds out
Do you even know how to drive?
This could get interesting..."

Chorus- Wolf Creek Pass
way up on the Great Divide
Truckin' on down the other side.
Hogwarts Express
Flying through the English country side
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.

Well Earl put down his bottle
An' mashed his foot down on the throttle
Then a couple of bulls
and a thousand cubes
of a 1948 peterbuilt screamed alive.
We woke up the chickens.
Well, we hopped into the car
Looked out for the muggles,
Then we turned it on,
It roared to life
And we lifted that baby into the sky
Hedwig looked a bit upset
We roared on off of that shoulder
sprayin' pinecones, rocks, and boulders,
and put 400 head
of them Rhode Island Red
and a couple of burned out roosters on the line.
Look out below cuz here we go.
We roared into the air,
Dodged Big Ben
And prayed we wouldn't get caught.
We were putting our education on the line
Look out below, cuz here we go....

Wolf Creek Pass
way up on the Great Divide
Truckin' on down the other side.
Hogwarts Express
Flying through the English country side
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.

Well we commenced to truckin'
and them hens, they commenced to cluckin'.
Then Earl took out a match,
scratched his pants
and lit up the unused half of a dollar cigar
and took a puff, 'says
My ain't this pertty up here.
Well we commenced to flying
And Hedwig shot out of the car, she didn't seem too keen on the idea
And Ron got that air he gets
When he thinks he's being exceptionally cool
I noticed we started to flicker
And he said "Harry, isn't this just wicked?"
I says Earl this hill can spill us,
you better slow down,
you gonna' kill us.
Just make one mistake
an' it's the pearly gates
85 crazy USDA approved cluckers.
You wanna' hit second.
I says Ron, we could be seen
You may want to fix this
Or else we're dead meat.
Just one muggle
And its buh-bye Hogwarts
Do you know what your mom would do?
You wanna go a bit higher?

Wolf Creek Pass
way up on the Great Divide
Truckin' on down the other side.
Hogwarts Express
Flying through the English country side
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.

Well Earl grabbed onto the shifter
and stabbed her into fifth gear.
Then the chromium-plated
fully illuminated
genuine accessory shift knob
come right off in his hand.
I says you wanna screw that back on there Earl?
Ron punched the button a couple a times
Then looked at me and sorta gulped
"What should we do?
We can't be seen!
Uh-oh..."
And I says "Maybe we should stay out of sight?"
Well he was tryin to thread it back on
when the fire fell off of his cigar
and dropped on down
sorta rolled around
and lit the cuff of Earls pants
an' burned a hole in his sock.
Yeah sorta set him right on fire.
Well, we did and it seemed to be going alright
We dipped down every once and a while
It was getting hot and the toffee wasn't so good anymore
And then the car shook
And the engine whined
And right out side of Hogwarts
We started diving towards the ground.
Well I looked on outta the window
an' started counting phone poles
goin' by at the rate of 4 to the 7th power.
Well I put 2 and 2 together
and added 12 an' carried 5,
come up with 22,000 telephone poles an hour.
Well, I looked outta the window
And watched as the Forbidden Forest flew below our feet
Going by at the rate of 4 to the 7th power
Well I put 2 and 2 together
And added 12 and carried 5
And came up with 22, 000 trees an hour
I looked at Earl and his eyes was wide
His lip was curled and his leg was fried
and his hand was froze to the wheel
like a tongue to a sled in the middle of a blizzard.
I looked at Ron and his eyes were wide
His face was white and he looked like he might puke up that there toffee
And he was turning the steering wheel wildly
Like a drag racer on a two way street.
I says Earl I'm not the type to complain
but the time has come for me to explain
that you don't apply some brake real soon,
their gonna' have to pick us up with a stick and a spoon.
And I said "Ron, I know this may not entirely be your fault
But I might want to mention that I want to make it past my first year
So you might want to work on a safe landing
Or else we're beyond even Pomfrey's help
Well Earl reared back, cocked his leg,
stepped down as hard as he could on the brake,
pedal went clear to the floor
' stayed right there on the floor.
Said it was kinda like steppin' on a plum.
Ron tried to gain control
Tried the pedals
Spun the wheel to the right
And it got stuck
It took the two of us to pull it left again.
Well from there on down it just wasn't real pertty,
it was hairpin county and switchback city.
One of 'em looked like a can full of worms,
another one looked like malaria germs.
It didn't seem to be improving....
The whine was louder
And we were diving faster
I think I wet myself
Right in the middle of the whole damn show
was a real nice tunnel now wouldn't you know.
That is a very large tree up ahead
The sign said clearance to the 12 foot line
but them chickens was stacked to 13-9.
Well we shot that tunnel at a hundred and ten
like gas through a funnel and eggs through a hen.
We took that top row of chickens off slicker than scum off a Louisiana swamp.
Ron tried to swerve
But it didn't work
We were headed straight for that tree
This is gonna hurt
Went down an' around an' around an' down
we ran outta ground at the edge of town
and bashed into the side of the feed store
in downtown Pagosa Springs.
We banged on in
And sat there,
Scared, trying to get over what had just happened
When we found out what a "Whomping Willow" is.

Wolf Creek Pass
way up on the Great Divide
Truckin' on down the other side.
Hogwarts Express
Flying through the English country side
In the clouds, we've got to hiiiiiiide.