Extremely Bizarre Events

Otherwise known as This Author likes to write when sleep-deprived...

Clematis, how could I not write more after receiving such a great review?

Me: yup, I'm planning to go on with this cos I'm enjoying it a bit now. And Harry and Hermione are supposed to have an advantage so I can insert some "hermione helps desperate reformed draco in need stuff". Mary sues: definitely! I might put an army of them in a final battle or something...

And chapter two: Voldemort wants his squishy. Yup, I've been watching Finding Nemo. Again. Okayforthetwentiethtime. Mumble. But the ickle turtles are sooooooooooo sweeet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahem

The Gryffindors and Slytherins travelled ever closer to their destination, unaware that they were also travelling close to a great, evil force of darkness (yawn, yawn, yawn. Yup. Guess who? Time to introduce dear, ickle Voldy. heeheehee)

On the other side of London (even though, technically speaking, the students haven't yet reached a single side of London, but we'll let that slide cos I'm not in the mood for extended descriptions of the area) the Death Eaters were holding a party (yes? What are you giving me that look for? Evil secret societies can have parties too, you know! What do you mean, how do I know that?) Due to their somewhat...low...standing in the Wizarding community, these parties weren't usually all that much of a hit, but they held them anyway (mainly because they needed something other than "kill mudbloods" or "create another desperate plan to kill Harry Potter which shall undoubtedly fair due to the fact that Voldemort has committed the unfortunate oversight of not having a single clever, uninbred person in his club" to fill up their social calendars.) After all, there had to be some events in which Death Eater wives could participate.

Voldemort was, as usual, sitting in his Evil Overlord Chair (you know, like the ones in James Bond movies which that weird guy with the fluffy white cat sits in?!? does no one understand me? At this point, the author quietly goes off into a corner to sob quietly to herself), slightly tipsy after having had a few too many sherries (who says Dark Lords can't be lightweights. Lightweights being people who really can't take their alcohol. Me included. But now is not the time to talk about that unfortunate incident with the shandy, salsa and bread sticks...) and when Voldemort got drunk, he got depressed. And when he got depressed, it was always Lucius who had to sit with him and console him. Which is what he was doing right now, (yes I know its OOC but when is a fic with Lucius Malfoy in ever not?) though not very willingly (see? not so OOC anymore. smugs and before you ask, there is such a thing as smugging. i do it all the time :P).

"I'm telling you, Lucius, it's not fair!!!" sobbed Voldemort.

"umm...yes master, I completely agree. It isn't fair at all. If you don't mind me asking...what exactly is it that isn't fair?" replied Lucius, gingerly patting Voldemort on the back, and continuing, reassured, when he found that his hand was still intact.

"I want my squishy, Lucius! And they won't give him to me!"

"yes, my Lord, that is completely unfair of them. may I ask who they are?"

"Dumbledore. I send him a letter, asking politely if I could borrow Harry Potter for a little while, and you know what he says?"

"no. but I presume you're going to tell me." Muttered Lucius, just quiet enough for it not to be heard by anyone else.

"he says...he said...I mean (let us pause here while the author sorts out her by now extremely confused tenses...lessee...perfect, imperfect, pluperfect, present...oh sod it)...he said no! he sent me back an owl saying "so sorry, but he's a bit busy at the moment. And he sent some sherbet lemons with it! (because of course these are the only sweets authors can have Dumbledore eating as JK doesn't mention all that many and they absolutely must not break new ground) sherbet lemons! What does the Dark Lord Of The Entire Universe Who Possesses Entirely Too Many Names want with SHERBET LEMONS?!?"

"well, master, I had heard that they were quite...tasty." Ventured Lucius, now backing away slowly from Voldemort's chair.

"NO! This is not good enough!!!" Voldemort leapt to his feet (yeah, let's forget that he's drunk for a little while, okay? Deal? Good)

by now, the rest of the Death Eaters were also watching Voldemort. This was turning out to be a more interesting party than the last one (where Lucius had ended up getting out the family photos for lack of things to do), that was for sure.

"I'm telling you this now, Lucius! I shall find him! And I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine! And he shall be my squishy!" saying this, he remembered that he was supposed to be completely inebriated (author blushes and carefully examines the suddenly interesting carpet) and fell into Lucius' arms in a faint, leaving the Malfoy in a rather compromising position.

At this point (to provide some perfect comic timing) Narcissa Malfoy walked in and stared at the scene in front of her. Almost in tears (but let us add "Malfoys never cry" to the seemingly endless list of things that Malfoys never do, which for some reason never seems to appear in any of the actual books. Strange, no?) she began to yell at Lucius...

"Lucius, I always suspected this...but...(all fanfic writers seem to think Lucius and Voldemort have got it going on, don't ask me why!) I gave you a chance and this is how you repay me? By fondling Voldemort in the middle of a party straight after I go away to powder my nose?!? HOW COULD YOU?!?!!?"

"Narcissa...this is NOT what it looks like (hey, not original, i know, but that's what they all say). You have to believe me."

"no I don't! and now I'm going to commit incest with my cousin Sirius Black, (completely ignoring the fact that he's dead because most fanfic authors seem to be in denial about this) to show that I've gone over to the good side! So there!"

and with that, she was gone.

AN: woah. Don't ask me how I wrote so much. This stuff just comes out. Keep reading and if you have read it, please review. It won't take you long and they really do make authors feel good. Ciao