From now on, this story shall be known as:

Extremely Bizarre Events- How not to write Harry Potter Fanfiction

Also known as This Author Likes to Write When Sleep-Deprived...

Thanx to Xnedra, ash vault rose garden, L33t M4st3r, Bobette the Builder and Teenaged Banshee for reviewing.

I can't believe I got 13 reviews in one day...author now wanders off in daze to stare at her reviews. A whispered "my precioussssssssssssssssesssssssss" is heard, until she realises that she is NOT writing a crossover fic. She then settles for "my squishy! Mine!" (yeah, umm...how 'bout I write some story now and leave the crazed ravings till later? Hehehe...)

Chapter Four: Dumbledore is a cardboard cut out(!) and Mary Sue enters the scene(NOOOOO!!!)

"professor?"

"PROFESSOR???" (this is Harry shouting, by the way)

Ron Weasley got out of his seat (yeah, I've decided to give a him a little mention now and again :D ) and walked to where Professor Dumbledore was sitting. He walked round Dumbledore's seat about five times before realisation dawned (sometimes you wonder why hermione bothered to make friends with him in the first place...)

He stared in wonder (what else?), his mouth gaping wide open (what else would it do? I might find SOME uses for it later...MWAHAHAHAHA!!! wink wink nudge nudge), while he issued two words from it: "bloody 'ell!" (I took your advice Bobette)

"What is it, Ron?" asked Hermione (yees...I know she left, but...she has to be the one to make the clever observations, doesn't she?)

(but the author has decided that she has given Ron enough celebrity for a chapter, so he will say one more thing and then promptly be forgotten) "wicked!"

"Urgh! Ron! That's the only thing you ever say!" (author swiftly performs memory charm on Hermione. We can't have her learning the secrets of our stories, now, can we, precious? I mean..squishy!) "I hate you!" yells Hermione

"but Hermione...you KNOW we only argue to heighten the sexual tension which JK is building up between ...mmph...blurgh...argh...(strangled cries of help are heard as the author swiftly spellotapes Ron's mouth and throws him in with the luggage)

"umm...mione?" asks Harry timidly (because of course HERmione Granger throwing a temper tantrum is much scarier than having to face Voldemort or anything...)

"YES? WHAT IS IT?" (don't you just love ladies with PMS...)

"I think I know why Ron said that. You, umm...might want to come and have a look at this." (because as the author it is my duty to prolong the suspense and not give my readers any clue as to what is actually going on. It works for most authors!)

"Harry James Potter, this had better be good! You just interrupted one of the most sexually tense arguments that I've had with Ron to date!"

"EWW! Mione (author growls), I so, do NOT, like, want that image in my head! Like, girlfriend, get outta here! It is like, SO gross! (a tribute to 11 year old American girls who write Harry Potter fanfics with no idea as to what people in Britain actually talk like...)

"Harry, dude, this really should have been obvious to you by now, dude. Hate to break it to you like this, man, but...dude, what can I say? Word!"

"Righteous!"

(note to confused readers: above two paragraphs said by random Harry Potter fans sitting on train, a tribute to some of my more eccentric friends)

"that doesn't matter now, anyway, Mione. It is my duty, as the tragically oppressed hero in our trio, to inform you that we are in grave danger."

"but Harry..." Hermione was speechless. "You just stole Dumbledore's line!" (true, you gotta admit it)

"Mione, Dumbledore has gone!" (cue suspenseful music and simultaneous gasps from all Hogwarts students)

Hermione FINALLY goes up to what appears to be dumbledore's body and turns it around. She realises that it is a two-dimensional cardboard cutout, with a switch on the back that has "press for twinkly eyes" written next to it. A note is affixed to the cut-out with spellotape. All the students crowd round the sign (quite an acrobatic feat seeing as there's almost 20 of them!) It reads:

"this is what you get for not giving me my squishy! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Fear my wrath, little Hogwarts munchkins!!!!

Love, Voldy.

p.s. Draco, your father says did you remember to bring his strawberry bath lotion to London. He wants it back. (at this point we all pause to give Draco funny looks. Muffled coughs of "queer" can be heard)

p.p.s. any of you want to come to my party? Next week, Back of the Ritz. Dark Cloaks and scary masks a necessity. Can be bought at Woolworths.

p.p.p.s. Harry Potter, I'm going to kill you. (what's new?) and I shall make you my squishy!

I think that's all. Bye. He-Who-Really-Should-Come-Up-With-A-New-Name."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yells Harry. "he's going to kill me!"

"oh for goodness' sake, Harry, grow up! He's tried four times already, what makes you think he'll get lucky this time? And what on earth (because Hermione's too PRECIOUS to swear) was that stuff about squishies?" (author mumbles and blushes and continues to mumble a little till the readers start to ignore her again)

"umm..." Harry swiftly changes the subject "what are we going to do about Dumbledore? We need him to help us!"

(cue superman theme and the door to the train coach being burst open suddenly. A Heroic-looking figure struts in, but is stopped halfway through when the automatic doors start to close on her)

"oh...bugger it!" and with that she pulls her impressive Cloak out of the door.

"anyway...never fear, Hogwarts students! Mary Sue is here!"

Everyone looks at her, horrified. A muffled "bloody 'ell" is heard from the direction of the luggage. (the author whistles and gives the readers her most innocent look. What? What?)

"To rescue your most valiant headmaster, Harry Potter, you must..."

AN: hehehe. And there you are. If you really want to know what they must do, and if Ron ever makes it out of the luggage again...

REVIEW!!!! They'll make me very happy :D

xox

Asiopi