From now on, this story shall be known as:

Extremely Bizarre Events- How not to write Harry Potter Fanfiction

Also known as This Author Likes to Write When Sleep-Deprived...

Thanks so much for all those great reviews! I have copied down all your suggestions and will find one way or another to incorporate them into the fic. They really are great inspiration. And if you see any more annoying clichés, be sure to keep 'em coming.

Chapter Six: Bye bye Mary Sue

"yes?" asked Harry

"Harry, to find Dumbledore, you must...follow..." began Mary Sue (alas, never to finish properly)

At this point the train doors again burst open and the characters in the story take a lunch break while five Italian Mafia thugs try to fit through the door at the same time...(heeheehee...just laughing at the mental images, don't mind me)

...and then all five of them shot at Mary Sue (yeah...let's just say I don't like her so much)

Miraculously (or more likely because she has not yet completed her part in this fic and is therefore invincible. Or maybe because she's a Mary Sue. Or both.) This did not kill her, but instead left her spluttering and coughing up blood whilst lying in a heroic (one must absolutely die in this way, any other pose would be out of vogue, dah-ling) way on the floor and dying.

"Harry...come closer" she spluttered (heroically)

Harry approached Mary Sue slowly, careful to step AROUND the growing puddle of blood on the floor (somewhere in a land far, far away, an electric- green, train-cleaning imp is heard to say "BLOOD!!! Do they know how hard that is to get off the carpets???" The author then becomes increasingly interested in the (now blood-splattered) carpet as the readers interestedly ask how she would know this)

"Harry...I'm not sure you should go near her! What if she's a spy for You- Know-Who?" asked Hermione worriedly (As the only major canon female part, Hermione gets stuck with the excessive mothering and/or worrying/fretting)

"Granger (guess who's speaking now? Yup...he's the only one that seems to call her that and that alone. Maybe someone should tell Draco that she has a first name) ...everyone KNOWS that I'M the secret spy for Voldemort who's eventually going to be torn between his allegiance to the Dark (Squishy- hunting. Couldn't resist a passing reference to squishies, sorry) Lord and his newfound non-canonical love for you. duh! like, get , like, with the times, girlfriend! (a nod to all you American ladies getting a bad reputation from those ELEVEN-YEAR OLDS WHO WON'T SHUT UP!!!)

[gap in which you can insert your own creative swear/curse words said by Hermione at the thought of ever, EVER even going NEAR Draco Malfoy]

[gap in which you can insert your own creative swear/curse words said by Ron Weasley at the thought of Hermione Granger ever, EVER even going NEAR Draco Malfoy]

[gap used by readers to snigger when a very embarrassed Malfoy and Hermione are found in an extremely compromising position together in a convenient broom closet, even though there are no broom closets on trains]

[gap in which Ron Weasley FINALLY makes it out of the luggage and lunges and Malfoy. The author watches, mildly, interested, as he pummels ferret- boy to bits]

[gap in which author runs away from readers telling her to tell the story properly with less gaps]

(yeah...got a bit carried away there...please don't shoot me, I'll put some actual plot in by the end of the chapter, promise! Getting back to where we were before the square brackets...)

Harry, disregarding Hermione's advice approaching Mary Sue, albeit warily (she IS a Mary Sue)

Mary Sue (somehow managing to have survived the amount of time it took the author to go off on a Draco/Hermione tangent...Drat! Will that woman never die?!?) leaned up towards Harry and whispered quietly in his ear (though for the sake of the fic this is loud enough for all the students to hear)

"to find Dumbledore, Harry, you must follow the Lemon Sherbet Trail." (she knows this even though she has just burst into the scene five minutes ago. And yes, vella, I've realised that its sherbet lemon, but not any more! From now on, it shall be known as Lemon Sherbet, and Lemon Sherbet ALONE!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!)

"you what now?" asked Harry, puzzled (hey, even child heroes have bad days)

"YOU'VE GOT TO FOLLOW THE LEMON SHERBET TRAIL!!!" came the yelled response from those who had actually managed to hear Mary Sue's words above the coughing and spluttering and dying sounds she was making (who knew heroes were so noisy about that whole dying business?)

"oh...right. What does that mean, Mary S..hit" for you see, Harry had turned around to face his classmates when they had yelled at him, and while they'd been telling him the message, the sender of the aforementioned message had died (author does victory dance along the lines of 'SHE GOT KILLED! SHE GOT KILLED!" till the readers tell her to shut up)

"What do you think it means, Harry?" asks Hermione (now with some VEEEEEERY suspicious looking marks on her neck...heeheehee....)

"i don't know, Mione (what a surprise. SOME child heroes have a LOT of bad days). I really don't know!"(he says this in case we haven't understood the full extent of his idiocy yet. the author now rolls her eyes in exasperation at the silly characters she's been given to work with)

AN: so you wanna find out what is ACTUALLY going on in this story? And whether it was Ron or Draco who left those...ahem...suspicious...coughcough...marks (aha! Betcha didn't see that one coming!) then you know what to do...

JUST REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next chapter: Cuban cigars and card games (and hermione in a sparkly dress) if I can manage it. Please do review and keep giving me cliché suggestions, they make my day!

xox

Asiopi

p.s. if you want to give me more detailed suggestions feel free to email me at brightgreencords [insert at sign seeing as ff.net WONT] hotmail.com remember to put ''EBE suggestions'' or something similar in the subject of the email, otherwise i might discard it as spam!