Scavenger Hunt
Part 4
By Steph (awriter78hotmail.com)
Summary: The wedding of the year…well it's not who you'd expect. The man very reluctantly put in charge…he's exactly who you expect.
I do not own anything related to Gilmore Girls.
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"I don't know about this Kirk," Luke said uncomfortably. "Don't you have a family member you can talk to about this?"
"My father doesn't believe in discussing these types of topics. Not with me anyway. I suppose I could ask my mother, but that might be a little awkward."
"Sure," Luke agreed.
"Plus she used to make the most horrible noises when she and my father were intimate. I don't think it was pleasant for her. I want the copulation to be pleasant for Lulu."
Luke closed his eyes. He had planning this damn wedding for too long and had been sleeping too little. And now he was supposed to sit Kirk down and have "the talk." There were two options. He could knock Kirk unconscious. Or he could release the stress of the last week a different way.
Luke grinned. And then he started chuckling. Of course he would have to be the one to give Kirk sex advice. Who else but him would be such a fool? He threw his head back and laughed.
Kirk smiled nervously at him. Naturally Kirk was nervous; he probably suspected that Luke had finally crumbled under the pressure and was having a psychotic break.
"Well," Luke said, his voice cracking from the laughter, "sometimes when a man loves a woman he wants to show her. And see, a woman has an egg and a man has the sper--" He wiped a tear from his eye, still laughing.
Kirk looked positively frightened at this point. "I know the biology of it. I know how babies are made."
"So what do you need, Kirk?" Luke asked. "Some visual aids? I'll call Jackson to see if he can bring by some zucchini."
"Well, I don't think--"
"You still work at the video store, right?" Luke asked him. "Do you rent out pornography? Cause that might give you some tips. I mean some of the techniques might be a little advanced for a novice, but it might be a good starting off point."
"Luke--"
"Maybe Andrew has some books. I've heard really good things about the Kama Sutra." He could barely get the last part of the sentence out, he was laughing so hard.
"I need help, Luke," Kirk said. "And you're my best friend."
Luke stopped laughing. That was enough to sober anybody up. "What exactly do you want from me, Kirk?"
"I don't know," Kirk said. "I know the…the mechanics of the act. I know what is…supposed to happen. I've seen movies and…well Mother's gotten very addicted to Sex and the City."
"Sure," Luke said.
"I just need some pointers," Kirk said. "Tips you've picked up along the way. And I've heard that you're the guy to ask."
Luke couldn't have possibly heard that right. "I'm sorry?" Luke said.
"I went to a town meeting once, now this was years and years ago. I was sitting in front of Patty and Babette. You walked in with Rachel and once you two sat down, they started talking about you two."
"Yeah?" Luke asked. He should tell Kirk to stop. This was going to be bad. He knew it, he could feel it. "I don't think I'm going to want to hear this."
"No, it's a good thing. Babette made some comment about how happy Rachel looked. And Patty said of course she did. Patty said sleeping with Luke would make any girl happy, because and I quote 'he looks like a guy who knows what he's doing.'"
"We're stopping this part of the conversation now," Luke said. "In fact, if I was smart, I'd tell you to go home."
"You should be flattered," Kirk said earnestly. "I'd love to have your reputation. I have a reputation too…it isn't as flattering."
Luke frowned. "If we're going to have this conversation and God help me it looks like we are, all talk of my supposed reputation will cease immediately."
"I'm listening," Kirk said. He sat down across from Luke. He looked at him eagerly.
"I don't know what you--" Luke began.
"Wait," Kirk interrupted. He took out a mini tape recorder and pressed the play button,
"Nope," Luke said. He turned it off. "No way in hell."
"But I want to remember everything," Kirk said. "Do you have a notepad?"
"You won't need it," Luke said. "This is going to be short and sweet. And I don't want any evidence that this conversation ever took place."
"I'm listening," Kirk said.
Luke rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't even know where to begin with this."
"I've prepared a list of questions," Kirk said helpfully. He took a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. At Luke's stare, Kirk explained, "I've been taking an origami class. That's why it's in the shape of a dragon."
Luke unfolded the dragon. He looked at the list:
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Lulu likes chicken, but is allergic to some shellfish. She likes the colors pink and blue. She's not a big fan of lemon.
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Luke closed his eyes. He opened them again. Yep, Kirk was still sitting there, watching expectantly. He looked again at the list. "I don't know what to do with this."
"What do you mean?" Kirk asked. "I thought the questions were pretty straightforward."
"Lulu likes chicken…" Luke read, dumbfounded. "I don't know what to make of this. Is that some sort of a code?"
"Lulu likes chicken?" Kirk repeated. "I don't understand. Let me see that."
Luke handed him the paper. Kirk read it over. "This is bad, Luke. If I gave you this list, I gave the other list…the one with my questions to…" He paled.
"Who?" Luke asked.
"I gave my questions to Sookie," he said hoarsely.
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He was happy that it was busy in the diner. If there had been any dead time, any break, he feared that he would lean against the wall and his eyes would close.
After Kirk had figured out the list mix-up, he had paced around Luke's tiny apartment. "She'd asked me for any requests for the menu right about the time that I had come up with the list of questions for you. I had put your list in the shape of dragon and hers in the shape of an elephant. But I'm just learning origami and maybe my dragon looks like an elephant…maybe my elephant looks like a dragon. And now she has my questions. I need to get them back. Now."
"Kirk, it's ten. It's too late."
"No," Kirk said. "I have to go now! Let's go."
"No," Luke said. "They have a baby. Let them sleep. You'll get it back tomorrow."
"Tomorrow," Kirk echoed dully.
"Why don't you go home?" Luke suggested. "Get some sleep. Tomorrow you'll get your list back."
"Please don't send me home without any words of advice. I know I don't have my prepared questions, but please just give me something to work with."
Luke stifled a yawn. "I'm really tired, Kirk."
"I know you are," he said. "And I'll leave soon. Just please don't send me away yet. Five minutes of your time."
"Fine," Luke said. "I'll give you some quick advice. Just a few words, no question and answer session."
"Fantastic," Kirk said. "I'm all ears."
Luke thought a second before saying, "Just remember to be considerate of Lulu. I know sometimes when one's…" He paused looking for the least awkward way to finish his thought, "in the moment, it's easy to…well…lose one's concentration… try not to lose focus on her…feelings or what she…wants." This was proving to be as awkward as he had imagined. He was looking at the ground as he spoke. "I don't know what else to say, Kirk. This is really uncomfortable for me."
"I know," Kirk said. "But that's good advice. To use everyday, not just during intercourse..."
"Don't say that word," Luke said trying not to shudder.
"You've done so much for me," Kirk said. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
Luke looked at him again. Every once in awhile, he felt twinges of affection for Kirk. Sure, most of the time he just wanted to throttle him, but sometimes (very rarely) he almost felt protective of him. Like now. Kirk looked so solemn, that Luke almost felt a bizarre sort of fondness toward him.
"You know what's weird?" Kirk asked. "You're so full of good advice about how to treat women. And yet, you can't seem to keep a girlfriend yourself."
And with that, the fondness evaporated, replaced with the all-too-familiar feeling of aggravation.
"I think it's time to go," Luke said through gritted teeth. "It's very late."
"Thanks again," Kirk said standing up. "The advice will come in handy."
"Well, I hope when the time comes, you'll remember what I said.
"Yes, when the time comes to consummate with Lulu, I'll definitely be thinking of you."
Luke decided, for his sanity's sake, he would pretend that Kirk had never said that.
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"I'll trade you a dragon for an elephant," Sookie said cheerfully to him the next day.
Luke wiped his hands on his jeans and took the multi-creased piece of paper out of his pocket. "All yours."
She scanned the paper. "Well, this is more of what I was expecting. This one is yours," she said.
"So you know about the switch."
"Well," Sookie said, "I had a suspicion that I had the wrong list immediately. I doubted that Kirk was really that interested in my opinion of the missionary position."
"Jeez," Luke said wincing.
"All I have to say," Sookie said giggling, "is judging from some of those questions, Lulu's in for quite a night."
"Stop," Luke begged her. He scanned the list quickly before throwing it away. "We will never talk of this again."
"Only a few more days and they'll be married," she told him. "Keep repeating that to yourself. It might make you feel better."
"Only a few more days," he said.
She was right. It did make him feel a little better.
To be continued….