Chapter 18
A/N: Sorry for the lapse in updates! I promise I'll be writing more often.
It was with a vague feeling of dread and a flittering moment of anticipation that Katherine pushed open the heavy wooden door to Severus' quarters. After leaving the hospital wing late in the afternoon, after Severus had given her an odd and completely unexpected kiss, she had taken a walk down to the lake. Casting a warming shield against the autumn chill, she sat and watched the giant squid float lazily in the waning sunlight, sending ripples through the water's calm surface. Every so often she would bring her fingers up to her lips, as if she still couldn't quite believe that just hours before Severus' lips had been pressed against her own. The blatant display of affection and longing was the last thing she had expected from the normally cold and argumentative Severus. Katherine found she was feeling very much like a boat suddenly lost at sea, her sense of direction suddenly thrown off balance. She had no idea of where she was headed, and it was a throughly unsettling feeling.
Clutching a small pile of worn looking books in her hands, Katherine walked through the dimly lit sitting room and knocked softly on the door to Severus' bedroom. Biting her lip, she tried to push down a sudden intense feeling of nervousness.
'Stop it!' Her inner voice demanded. 'You're not a giggling schoolgirl anymore!'
"No, your not." A smooth yet unsteady voice whispered from behind.
Katherine turned around, hugging the books tightly to her chest like a shield Severus stood before her, clearing his newly restored voice in an almost painful way. He looked solemn, but there was a fiery spark in his dark eyes.
"I'm not what?" Katherine asked, eying him strangely.
"Many things." Severus said, crossing the room with a slight limp that made Katherine cringe. "Certainly not what I expected."
Katherine cocked her head, as if to say the feeling was mutual. Severus certainly was not what she expected either.
"I know you're not a Death Eater." Severus whispered, taking a hesitant step towards her. "Not in the same way the others are."
Katherine felt her bottom lip begin to quiver, and her heart dropped so quickly that the rush of emotions made her feel faint.
"How could you even..." Katherine dropped the pile of book with a loud thud and clutched onto the back of the nearest chair. "...even suggest..."
Severus reached out to steady her, but she recoiled from his touch.
"No..." She whispered, visions of the Dark Lord's torture, of meeting the end of her days at the tip of his wand. "I'm loyal...please Severus, I am."
"No you're not." Severus shook his head. "It wasn't until today that I realized it, how blind I've been. It was right there the entire time, it was so obvious."
Katherine shook her head wildly, and began to feel around in her robes for her wand. The last thing she wanted was to hurt Severus, but she wasn't about to let him turn her in.
"I am loyal." Katherine said one last time, her voice sounding small and defeated.
"No you're not." Severus let out a small snorted laugh. "And neither am I."
For a moment, Katherine was positive that her blood had turned to ice.
"W-what?" She stammered.
"I am not trying to trick you, and I am taking a great personal risk at telling you this." He whispered, putting his hands on her shaking arms.
"But I saw you...but you are...even Lucius said.."
The words poured out of Katherine's mouth in a jumbled confusion until Severus put a long pale finger to her lips.
"I have succeeded then, if I had even you fooled." Severus said, looking suddenly very pleased with himself.
"Succeeded?" Katherine asked in confusion, some of the color returning to her ashen face. "Succeeded at what?"
"I don't think it would be wise to tell you, for your own safety." Severus said, a strange gleam in his eye. "Just as you joined the Dark Lord's ranks for your own reasons, I have stayed for mine."
"But your loyalty is as false as you claim my own to be?" Katherine asked, giving him a doubtful look.
"Yes, it is." Severus said in a smooth voice.
Katherine took in a deep breath, and put her hands on her hips.
"I-I don't know what to say anymore."
"Tell me why." Severus said, giving her an odd look. "Why did you join the Dark Lord?"
Katherine was silent for a moment, her mind carefully considering the possibilities. There was still a good chance that this was a trap, but what did Voldemort have to gain from exposing her? She was not doing him any harm, not exactly. True, she would like to see them all locked away in Azkaban or at worst dead, but she had never acted out on those feelings.
"I thought it was the easiest way to get what I was after." Katherine finally said in a soft voice, deciding to take the risk "But I would like to see the Dark Lord defeated as much as any wizard, perhaps even more."
"What was it that you were after?" Severus slowly considered. "Lucius?"
Katherine let out a mournful little laugh, and shook her head.
"Not by any means. In fact, it was his fault that I have been put in this position in the first place."
"Oh?" Severus said, trying to hide the beginnings of a relieved smile. "How is that?"
"Well, I'd have to tell you the whole story for you to really understand, and I'm afraid its rather long..."
"I don't have anywhere to go." Severus said in a smooth voice, taking a seat beside the fire.
Katherine sighed, and then sat in the empty chair across from Severus. She didn't exactly enjoy reliving past mistakes and heartaches, but she had a suddenly irksome suspicion that he was bound to pry them from her sooner or later.
"Well, I suppose I have better start at the beginning then..."
I was very young then, barely even seventeen. I had just graduated from Beauxbatons, and the entire world seemed to be such an exciting and wondrous place. My parents gave my sister and I enough money to rent a sensible flat on Diagon Alley, and sent us off into the world with enough lectures and warnings to drive a person insane. Anne was two years older, and more beautiful and talented than I could ever hope to be. We both accepted positions at Gringott's, but it was painfully clear that Anne had her life on track while I was merely fooling around. She climbed the ranks there within months, while they worked me like a house elf. Perhaps I didn't take things seriously enough, and I often have to wonder that if maybe I had spent more time on building a career I wouldn't be in this mess now.
You see, one afternoon when I supposed to be hard at work I ducked out for a bit of air. I had never seen Knockturn Alley before, and decided that it was about time to do some exploring. I normally wouldn't have dared, my parents had told me enough stories about that place to scare an auror silly. Perhaps the months living on my own had made me bold, and it was broad daylight after all. The place was a far cry from the 'evil pit of hell' that my mother had described. It was only a dirty and shabby collection of stores, selling a few darker instruments of magic, but nothing overly dangerous. Just as I about to turn around and head back to work, who should I find combing the streets for me? Anne was standing at the entrance to Diagon Alley, her hands on her hips looking more furious than I had ever seen her. Merlin only knows how she figured out that I was there, she probably had a tracking spell on me. She was a very clever witch after all.
Being the near child that I was, I turned on my heels, intending to run and hide rather than face her wrath. Honestly, she was worse than my own mother! Perhaps I had been too hasty in my plan, because seconds later I was lying sprawled out on the ground. I hadn't even seen the young wizard coming out of that small dark alleyway, and by the time I did it was too late.
"Look what you've done now!" Anne had cried, storming through a crowd of tired looking hags.
My face felt like it was on fire as I helped the very attractive young man to his feet. He gracious and charming, and to my great surprise his eyes did not fall straight away to Anne, as was so common, but on my own much plainer face.
"A pretty witch such as yourself is more than welcome to bump into me anytime." He said, falling into a deep bow. "Let me introduce myself, Lucius Malfoy."
I extended a hand, which he kissed with a subdued yet charming flourish. My sister looked ready to tear Lucius's eyes out, but remained silent in the background, her hands on her hips.
"Katherine Killroy, very pleased to meet you."
Before the conversation could go any further Anne had grabbed my elbow and was roughly dragging me down the alley. If only I had known what lay in store, I would have followed much more willingly.
After that day Lucius started to owl me letters, no one had ever written such beautiful and tempting words about me before. Anne was livid, insisting that he was the wrong kind to mix with.
"You know how uppish those purebloods are!" Anne had lectured.
"But aren't we purebloods as well?" I asked, staring daggers at her.
"Yes, but not the same type. We're better than all of that nonsense. And I've heard rumors that Mr. Malfoy has ties to you-know-who himself, so you have better stay clear of him!"
I shrugged Anne's warnings away, and starting creeping away at night to meet Lucius. He was always so kind to me, and made me feel like I was the most beautiful and desirable person in the entire world. After a few months I was in love, and he had me convinced that he felt the same. I had a rude awakening a few weeks later, when my sister returning from a date looking extremely triumphant.
"He's married you know. I saw him as his wife strolling down Diagon Alley this afternoon." She announced, throwing her gloves on top of the open copy of the Prophet.
"Hey! I was reading that." I cried, giving her a foul look. "Who's married?"
"Lucius, that bloody bastard." Anne look positively dangerous. "I could kill him for lying to you, I could honestly kill him."
"You couldn't kill anyone." I whispered, once the shock had worn off.
"You have better drop him now, before that pretty wife of his finds out." Was Anne's only reply.
It was true Narcissa was pretty. And rich. And respected. As I found out over the next few days, she was everything that I was not. When I met Lucius in a darkened room above the Leaky Cauldron that night, I honestly intended to break it off. But as I discovered, Lucius does not give up his prizes so easily.
A few weeks under the imperious curse seemed to do the trick. Even after the curse was lifted, I doubt that I would have left even if I wanted to. The next few months of my life were hardly pleasant. Lucius no longer bothered to hide our love affair from Narcissa, and it appeared that she wanted more than anything to hex me straight into my next lifetime. Anne was ever lecturing me about Lucius and my lack of strength and will, my poor choices...and even Lucius was increasingly unpleasant. He was beginning to treat me more like an unruly child and less like an object of his affection.
Then, when it appeared that things just couldn't get any worse, it happened. I awoke one morning to discover that nearly half a year had passed by...poof...just like that. Anne was gone, all her things had disappeared. Lucius acted as if I was crazy, but eventually started blaming Narcissa. My parents blamed me for Anne's disappearance, saying it my foolhardy nature and callous decisions that lead to it. There is nothing so frightening as losing part of your memory, it is like waking up in a strange land and being entirely unsure of how you got there For a few weeks I lived in a haze, frantically trying to collect the fragments of my life. Then in a single day, my entire world was shattered beyond any hope of repair. It started that morning, when I had been walking up the steps to my flat. Madam Little, our shriveled old landlady passed me on the stairs, and instead of giving me her usual curt nob she grabbed me by the wrist.
"Will that sister of yours be returning soon?" She asked in her raspy voice.
Fighting back a sudden rush of tears, I simply nodded rather than try to explain.
"Good. Someone in your condition shouldn't be alone anyway."
"Condition?" I asked, a sinking feeling forming in the pit of my stomach.
"Your sister told me, you know, about the baby."
For a moment all I could hear was the rush of blood in my ears. I shoved past Madam Little and charged up the stairs, no longer able to contain my shock and horror. A sudden memory had broken through the charm, sitting on the windowsill beside Anne, and crying because I didn't know what I was going to do...
I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew that I had to confront Lucius. I had heard just days earlier that Narcissa was due any day with a child of her own, and I'm sure that she wasn't exactly open to the idea of any competition in that department. Oh Merlin, I could have killed the lot of them. I went straight to Malfoy Manor, not caring that Narcissa would be there, staring daggers at me. Not caring that Lucius would probably hex me senseless for even daring to barge in on him in his own home only to accuse him of...well I wasn't exactly sure of what I should accuse him of. Apparating onto the front drive I broke out into a run, only to see Bellatrix Lestrange sauntering out of the front doors, her husband following meekly behind. One look at her, and everything fell into place. Around her neck was the extremely rare and expensive necklace my sister had treasured, it was the only one of its kind, and she never took it off. They had Anne, and they were going to use this against me. Gathering my wits about me, I decided that confronting Lucius would be pointless. It would probably lead to another round of the imperious curse or another black hole in my memory. The best I could do was to leave London for home, and decide later where to go from there. I knew that the most important thing was finding Anne, and that would be impossible under Lucius's thumb. He knew that as long as he had Anne, he had me. He knew it would only be a matter of time before I would return to him in desperation, but I still had to try.
I took with me only the things I treasured the most, and that night apparated back home. My parents looking more old and frail than I have ever seen them, greeted me with the saddest smiles I have ever seen. By then I knew I had gotten myself into a mess I couldn't possibly fight my way out of, but I knew I had to try. For five months I tried to search for Anne, asking discrete questions to right people, bribing anyone who might know, but it was all in vain. When my parents died within days of each other, I decided to make the sacrifice and return to Lucius. Hoping against hope that it would lead me to Anne I lived as Lucius's lover for a year, giving in to his every desire save for one. I would not join to the Death Eaters, as he wished of me. I knew then it was only another form of control, and I would not subject myself to it. He didn't force me, but I could sense he was close to it. He used to brag about all the recruits he had brought his Dark Lord, like it was a badge of honor. It came time to leave again when I could no longer take the internal battle I was facing. In all honesty, I both loved and hated Lucius with a frightening passion. He had ruined my life, but he was also the one who had first made me feel whole. When I started to sense that I was dangerously close to being dragged into his grip forever, I fled again. Mere days the later the Dark Lord fell, I had left at the perfect time.
I lived among muggles for seven years, hiding my identity as best I could. Everyday was a constant reminder of life I had left behind, and of Anne, of the sister I had betrayed. It became painfully clear that I could nothing stranded in the world of muggles, and even though the odds that Anne was still alive were slim, I had to try. Lucius was more than happy to possess me once again, but this time around things were more complicated. His son, then a lively and throughly snobby seven year old, was a constant reminder of the child that had been stolen from me. Lucius was so proud, and spoke of him often. But young Draco was a thorn in my side. I am ashamed that I sunk so low as to hate a child, but it distracted me from my real goal. I wasn't any closer to solving the mystery of my sister's disappearance, and time was running short. Again, I found the strength to break free. This time I had no intent to return.
I spent nearly ten years living in France, earning my way as a medi- witch. It was pleasant work, and for the first time I felt that the past was truly behind me. I dated a plain but kind healer from America, who knew everything about my past but loved me anyway. I was happier then I had been in a long while, and that I was finally able to move on. Then came the whispered stories of the Dark Lord's return, of his graveyard battle with the boy-who-lived. I would have stayed away, had it not been for Bellatrix. The beast herself had the nerve to send me a very detailed letter outlining my sisters torture and murder. I knew it was an attempt from Lucius to win be back, to finally secure me as him forever. And I knew it was a lie. This might sound slightly insane, but I don't know how I knew. Just something in her words, something in the callousness in which she spoke just wasn't right. Perhaps Lucius thought I would come back to seek revenge. If only he knew.
I formulated a plan in mere hours. Kissing my American healer goodbye, I apparated to London. I didn't go after Lucius from there, I had learned my lesson. Instead I found Peter Pettigrew, hiding out in a ramshackle inn outside of London. He was more than happy to take to before Voldemort himself, so I could express my new found desire to join his ranks. I knew there was I good chance that I would end up dead, but it was the best chance I had at finding Anne. By some miracle he did not see past my stammered excuses and my faint thoughts, and thus I became a Death Eater. Taking the mark, and the terrifying initiation that followed, were something I will never be able to purge from my mind. But I knew it would be worth it. As a Death Eater I was put up on an unreachable shelf. Lucius could no longer control me, I had come on my own right and doing so would encroach on the Dark Lord's territory. I could question Bellatrix to my sister's whereabouts (subtly of course), without fear of being killed outright. After using the truth serum, I learned that Anne is alive. I couldn't question her anymore without rasing suspicions, but it is only a matter time. You can imagine my shock when just three weeks after taking the mark I was called before the Dark Lord to fulfill a mission of great importance. I am to pretend to be the wife of Severus Snape, and infiltrate the school of Hogwarts. I am to gain the trust of one Hermione Granger, feed her a potion that will led her to hate and distrust her closest friends, and then bring her willingly before the Dark Lord. She will be the perfect pawn in his hands, because not even Dumbledore himself will suspect it. There will be no curse to detect, no hex to guard against, she will be acting on her own free will. So complicated, and yet eerily simple. And then, Hermione will kill Potter with her own hands. I have to admit it is clever. Hopefully I will find my sister before that time, and get her to safety before the deed is done. If not, I am not sure if I will be able to live with myself.